I think this is fairly typical behavior for some gtandparents. The older child is ignored because the new baby is here. It doesn't always have a thing to do with whether or not the older child is blood or step kin. They may not be aware of what the older child may feel. Perhaps you do need to say something like, "you don't seem to be paying as much attention to _______ as you once did. She is puzzled and can't understand it. Can you help make it easier for her?" Perhaps they would be willing to take her to a movie from time to time. If they ignore your request, then you need to try to make things a little easier for her with a little extra attention when they come to visit. Explain that many adults go nuts over new babies.

I'm not fussy about my house most of the time. Most of my furniture is hand-me-downs from family and looks like it. I decorate to help the cat hair blend in. But drawing on the furniture? Spilling coffee and not helping to clean it up or offer to pay for cleaning? That's just wrong. I mean, accidents happen, but grown-ups admit they had an accident, or by extension their kids, and do what they can to remedy the situation. It's not like you're going around putting newspaper down in the floor so people won't walk on the carpet. I agree, before the next visit, come up with some rules. Kids play in the kitchen/outside/on the porch/anywhere the damage can be limited. Food and drink stay in the kitchen. "Oh, Dear Step-Daughter, I don't want you to have to worry about what Little Terror's doing while he's here, and I want him to have good memories of visiting his grandfather, so I've prepared this room specially for him--he can do whatever he wants here. And you can relax and not worry about him at all!"

I'm Framboise (which really is my nickname) and I live in the Colorado Rockies. I had a hyst for humongo-broids in 99 after a 5-year unsuccessful attempt to have them shrivel up with menopause they way they were supposed to. Since then, I have done a lot of hormone research for myself, taken part in a web project to share our pooled gleanings, and learned a lot from following women's experiences on a number of forums. Since I too cannot afford to pay to stick around here, I will also be migrating to powersurge and a couple yahoo lists as well as continuing to maintain the hormone website. I agree with Anne that this has been a remarkably focused and easy to read forum, especially compared to many of the other availble ones. I'll be sorry to have to move along, but I certainly understand and sympathize with Spike's constraints.

Some people do not have the energy to deal with toddlers. I was with a friend with children the same age as your toddlers, and it is exhausting and all consuming. The two year old kept running to the stairs (even though the child could not do stairs) and the mom kept bringing the child to another area to play, but the child kept trying to go on back to the stairs. When the mom would pick the child up, the child would kick and scream and cry (AKA a major temper tantrum) returning again and again for the stairs. The mom was trying to visit with friends, and have a conversation, and the child made this impossible. At the same time, she was trying to keep and eye on her 3 year old who kept wandering off. Some people just do not enjoy babies and toddlers, and do not feel comfortable being responsible for someone else's toddlers. Friends would take turns watching each others toddler, while the other ran errands. After doing it a few times, it stopped, as the one child would scream for the entire 2 hours. No amount of distraction or toys helped. One of the friends said that the few hour break was not worth the price of having to return the favor and watch a child who cried so much. Toddlers take enormous energy, and you have to focus on them every minute. It is one thing when they are your children. It is another thing entirely when they belong to someone else. Trust her and try not to take it personally. Several years from now (5 or so) if they still leave your children out, then you may want to talk to them. But for now, don't force your toddlers on someone who is not willing. Perhaps you can do somethings with them bringing the toddlers, so that a relationship begins to develop, but you are there to help if your children cry or wander off. At some point, they may feel up to the challenge of an outing with one or both of your young children. This may have "nothing" to do with their step child versus your children, and have everything to do with the fact that some people are uncomfortable with babies and toddlers. Wait and see as your children become more self sufficient (around age 7-8) if they are included. If they are not, then I imagine it will be their loss. Many people simply do not have the energy to enjoy taking such young children out on outings. The others are right in that with the toddlers along, they would be unable to focus on the older grandchild. You yourself must know many parents who cannot even go out to dinner and actually enjoy it with toddlers. The child wants out of the high chair, and then is running around the restaurant, or will not go in the high chair and is crying if made to sit in a high chair. Or one of the parents is walking around outside with the toddler, while the other parent finishes eating., etc. Not a relaxing dinner out by any stretch of the imagination, for anyone. So again, try not to take it personally right now. Respect their discomfort being responsible for someone else's toddlers, and do not try and force them into something they are clearly uncomfortable with.