They live across the country and we don't get to see them very often.

Our biggest problem with their raising them is their messy, messy filthy house! 2 dogs and a cat don't help.

I know their hands are full but it's pitiful. As soon as you walk in the front door, the smell of dog knocks you out. When the dogs aren't outside, they live on the stairway going to the basement. It REEKS of dog feces and urine.

The good size living room is constantly strewn with toys, food and crumbs as well as dog hair. I mean, "watch where you're walking" type of clutter.

We are no clean freaks by any stretch of the imagination ...but...It drives me NUTS..! We have suggested that the kids,(all of them) go to the park and me and Nana will "straighten things up a little". Nope. Not having it. We try to play a game with the kids that involves picking up their toys and putting them away. No...we'll do that later. Those babies have more toys than a family of 12 should have...and no place to put them!

The bathrooms..? Oh my goodness! Lets just say that there are a few bacterial experiments growing on the tile behind the rust colored (once white) porcelin toilet. The tub..urp..lets not go there.

We WANT to help but everytime we suggest a house cleaning or lets knock out a few loads of laundry, they seem embarrassed or "you guys are on vacation".

I can't stay there anymore. We keep making excuses or meeting somewhere else for vacations instead of staying at their house.

How can we get the message to them, without hurting them or retaliating by denying us the kids, that their home is mess and a health hazard?

If someone were to call Health Services to inspect the home, I'm scared to death what would happen to the children.

Why are they so messy? Neither my daughter or SIL were raised in a dirty, messy environment. They say they have no time, but will play video games for hours after the kids are in bed. Is this a generational thing?

No..they are not neglected at all. Their parents are doing a terrific job raising them...for the most part...except for the dirty dirty environment. I feel the kids wouldn't be sick as much if the house was clean.

I seriously doubt a cleaning company would take the job and we really can't afford it.

If they love their kids the kids may change things but they are the only ones who can. If the kids get embarassed to bring their friends home they will get on the parents case.

As for being healthier. I doubt it. Kids raised in a completely sterile environment tend to get sick oftener because they are not exposed to germs.

Take the febreeze with you when you visit(for yourself), but don't let them see you using it. Enjoy your grandkids and ignore the mess.

Poverty and filth breeds poverty and filth.

How judgmental!! Not everyone who lives in poverty lives in filth and not everyone who is rich is clean. The rich can just afford to pay someone to clean for them.

If her kids were old enough to get married they were old enough to do some cleaning too.

The only difference between your situation and ours is that we live 15 miles from them so we've never had to stay at their house. In your place, I'm afraid I'd have to risk hurt feelings and tell them that staying at their house just isn't possible. Stay at a nearby hotel, pick up the grands and take them to the park, movies, zoo...whatever.

I realize that's easy for me to say as I can pop in and kidnap my grandson almost anytime I want to.

I have no idea how my daughter became such a horrible housekeeper. I've wracked my brain and just don't get it. I also am sure there is nothing I can do or say to change her or her husband. I hope they will outgrow it (they are in their late 20s) but don't see that happening. In the meantime, I focus on my grandson and make sure he's a happy and healthy kid.

Good luck to you alamator. I hope you can enjoy your next visit!!

You cannot change others just because you wish to, even if you think it's better for the kids.

The only thing you are in charge of is how YOU react to the situation. You can leave and not come back, you can refuse to enter their house or you can call the childrens aid and have the kids removed from the house, or even sue for custody. Every one of these things come with consequences.

The alternative is to put up with the situation and do what you have to do to tolerate it. You can have the grandkids to stay with you occasionally and teach by example how things should be.

My sons were raise in a clean home and they picked up their own room and straightened the covers on their beds as soon as they were old enough to understand and do it. When they first married they tried to make their wives clean their home, but it was a hopeless job. You can not change anyone's character, they have to want to change.

I think there is a lot more behind living in filth than just being lazy. The ones I know with that kind of home have mental problems. They are not bipolar or manic depressive, just unstable.

I have never spent a night in my son's homes or had a meal there and I don't make an issue of it because you could not pay me to sleep in filth and with bugs that accompany it.

& they're embarrassed because it's a mess & they know it's a mess, but they feel like it's futile to try to do anything about it.

(Can you tell I have packrats & messy houskeepers in my family?)

I'd *never* report anyone to a "department" unless the children were in immediate danger.

Health & welfare departments aren't like dogs,
you can't call them off:

Once they enter the picture, they have the power & you don't.

Don't "report" your family.

even if you have to go over there with your own mop & bucket of water .