Out of Control Grandparents

21 years ago

I need some input as to what to do about my parents. I am an only child and was fairly spoiled by my parents except when it came to sitting and watching sports that I participated in. I married at 19 to a wonderful guy and had my first child at 21. When our son came into this world my mother doted on him to the point of excluding everything (and everyone) else. When our second child came along 3 yrs later (a son as well) he was treated good but not the same as our first son. My parents began to defy our wishes almost immediately. They would buy toys that we said the boys couldn't have (violent toys and video games). We fought and fought but kept finding out they had these items at my parents house and were being told not to tell us they had them there. When my oldest was 13 my parents started buying him cigarettes because he asked for them. I had always been told if they caught me smoking they would make me eat it and then they were buying them for my child. Unfortunately we didn't find out for 2 yrs they were doing this. They justified it by saying they thought he wouldn't do drugs if they bought him cigarettes. It didn't stop him -- he even tried lsd and called them to pick him up from work when he had a bad trip. We only found this out a month ago -- they never told us about it and didn't even try to get him help for it. There have been battles about many things over the years and my husband and I have looked like the bad guys because we said "no" sometimes and they could ask their grandparents and get what they wanted. Our boys are now 16 and 19 and the oldest is away at a culinary school. We thought since he would be 6 hours away that maybe this cycle would be broken. We were wrong. Our son has decided that drinking and doing drugs is more important than going to school and he has become quite a problem. We cut off his loan disbursements so he has to to finance the rest on his own. We have asked my parents to stay out of this and allow him to grow up and take responsibility for his actions. They tell us they are and then turn around and send hundreds of dollars a month to him behind our backs. The last straw that made us stop communicating with them happened a few weeks ago. My parents were going to give our oldest their 2nd vehicle after he finished school. We begged them to reconsider because of his current behavior and how unsafe it would be for him to drive drunk or under the influence of drugs. They offered our youngest child the car instead. They had him stop down one evening to sign over the title and were going to transfer it the next day. They asked my husband to give them our truck (the youngest had been driving it) so they could use it as a trade-in to buy our oldest a car too. We refused as we do not belive it is in his best interests to have a car right now. They left a message on my husband's cell phone the next day that they had changed their mind about giving the car to our youngest. They were going to give it to our oldest in a few weeks. We were livid -- our son was hurt and wanted to know why they had chosen his brother over him. We haven't talked to my parents ever since. Is there someone out there who can give us some advice on how to deal with the destructive nature of my parents? I don't know how we can have a relationship with them or if we even want to try.

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Comments (7)

tlescak
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You say your parents began to defy your wishes almost immediately. Why didn't you put your foot down then? Why didn't you tell your parents that if they do not abide by the rules that YOU have set forth for YOUR children they will not be allowed unsupervised visits with them?

The issues you are facing now needed to be dealt wih years ago, because I'm willing to bet your parents have always tried to get their way when it comes to these kids.

I'm sorry to say but I think you may have missed the boat on this one. I think it's too late to do anything about this situation now. It's obvious that your parents have little or no respect for your authority as a parent or adult. I would hold them accountable for helping your children destroy their lives, and God help your relationship with your parents because I don't see how you could have one with them after all of this.
nadastimer
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
As I was reading the post I felt sorry for you. You tried what you thought would be best but nothing worked. I think you should have stopped communication years ago to see if you got through to your parents then. Especially when you read how far some of the things went...like buying cigarettes? Now come on! What grandparent sees that as okay? The bad part now is that your kids are older. Your oldest is an adult and honestly you have no control now over what goes on. Your parents can do whatever and he can accept anything he wants, whether you like it or not. I'm sorry but I guess honestly, it is too late. You still have a few years to work with the youngest son and I'm sure by now he's not too happy with his grandparents favortism anyway.

Good luck.
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This sounds horrible. And probably there isn't much you can do about it. However, you might google "Gentle Discipline" and learn more about this method. If there's a forum, you might present some of these problems. If there is an 'ask the expert portion" maybe you could ask also. But I doubt your daughter will be very receptive to much imput from you. I remember being in a bookstore at Xmas and seeing 2 4 years old boys running amok among stacks of books. Their mother was weakly saying, "Darling, please, darling, please". Finally, an employee told the kids to knock it off, and the mother leaned closer to the employee confidentially: "I'm so glad you said something." I also have a friend who is deaf and got a divorce and whose mother thinks her granddaughter is the poorest most put upon little thing on earth. Poor steffi, from a broken family. Poor Steffi, who mother is deaf. Poor Steffi sounds just like your granddaughter, and I have to say, now that Poor Steffi is 8, things are not going so well for her. She's a bully at school, has few friends, is disliked by teachers, in therapy, and a month or so ago this friend actually had to call the police on her daughter. (Friend lives out of state, so I don't know the whole story yet). Friends had to cut off bad-influence grandma who would insist Steffi be allowed to do whatever she wanted even as Mom was saying no. Grandma would actually fight with mom over it infront of poor Steffi. As re your granddaughter, I'd stick to things that actually affect your directly: such as the food being thrown. No one should have to endure getting food thrown at them. You may try talking to your daughter again, or maybe choose not to share dinners until Steffi is old enough not to throw food (how old would that be, btw) Also, you may want all your visiting to be done in house when your daughter is available to do the disciplining. Maybe stop taking your granddaughter on trips to the mall until your granddaughter can be relied upon to behave. My nephew did something once similar to your mall experience. He stubbed his toe (abt age 7) and fell on the ground clutching it and howling, all out of proportion to the pain even the most severe toe stubbing could cause. I stood and watched him and once when he peered out at me, I said: "What are you doing!" He said, "My toe hurts, my toe hurts." I said: "Why are you crying so much." He said, "I always cry a lot." Me: "Really? Why?" Him: "Because I'm very sensitive." Me: "Well, I'm sensitive too and that noise hurts by ears. Why don't you go in the bedroom and do it." He looked shocked. "I'm done now." Me: "Just the same, you must have worn yourself out yelling like that. You need to lay down for a half hour and get collected." I can't say we are very close, but he's not close with hardly anyone. (At age 9 he fell on the ground because his grandmother wouldn't give him ice cream at 10 am. I walked up on him thrashing about on the floor and my MIL hoovering anxiously trying to get him to stop. She couldn't even get him an ice cream because the store was closed. As I walked up to them, I heard him howl: "Who do you think you are talking to?" This coming from a 9 year old to his 65 year old grandmother. Me, I would have answered, "I'm talking to a 9 year old who's about to spend his day writing sentences. Why? Who do you think YOU'RE talking to?" But I figured it wasn't my problem, or my drama. It was between grandma, grandson and ultimately mom and dad. The boy is now eleven and not doing well, has school social workrs and therapists and may have to go to a special school for emotionally troubled kids. It's too bad. I feel for you, but I don't think there's much you can do but protect yourself furtively, and hope when the inevitable happens, it isn't too bad.
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junemn
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I don't think it's too late to help your son. He's still young. Your parents are another matter. My grandson lives with his dad and other grandparents. He's 17. I called him one evening about a year ago and he was totally incoherent. Come to find out he'd been doing drugs for 4 years right under their noses. They had no idea. He's now in a depression and unable to attend school. He throws a fit if they want him to take meds and they let him get away with it. I don't mean to go on about my problems but I want you to know that I understand and wish I could help.
akaDenise
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm sorry, but I think it's way too late to do anything. I hold you and your husband responsible for this mess. You should have made your parents butt out or you should have cut off any contact between your parents and your sons. From what you've written, the situation was out of control when your boys were toddlers. That's when you should have handled this. Arguing and fighting with your parents was useless because they refused to respect your wishes. Once you realized they were not going to be persuaded by reason, you should have stopped acting so passively and taken action to protect your children.

I'm very sorry for your pain and suffering and for the messed up lives of your children. I sincerely hope that your sons can straighten out their lives.
mariend
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
In reading your post and the follow ups I would suggest some counseling for you so you can make decisions to help all involved. I came from a very controling parent and that affected my entire life. Because my DH was stronger in common sense than myself we were very very lucky that all the kids turned out pretty darn good. My mom did buy the kids way too much, but we recognized the problem early enough that we were able to take control as parents not children of my parents. It is so easy to look back and to say if only. Because there appears to be drugs and liquor involved, I would only suggest some outside help. Sit down with your youngest and be very honest and tell him Why you do not want him to accept things from his grandparents against your wishes. As to your oldest, I really cannot give advice. Be sure and let your parents know if they give the oldest one a car and he drives and kills someone you will let the law enforcement know that they are completly responsible. The could even go to jail over this matter. And you will not bail them out. Maybe, and just maybe they will stop buying love with money. Again I would suggest professional guidanance.
With hugs for the right decisions
Marie
suzieque
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
This is harsh, and I apologize. But your parents didn't create your son's problems. They have been out of line, yes, and you should've put a stop to it long ago, but they didn't make him the mess he seems to be (from your description); they just assisted him in his destruction. The responsibility is yours, not your parents'. Why was your son looking to do all those things? He went looking for them, remember; your parents didn't force them on him. And yes, I agree that it's too late with your parents. I think that all you can do now is place the responsibility on your son, where it belongs, to pick himself up, dust himself off, and become an adult.
susie53_gw
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You should have cut off contact with your parents a very long time ago. They should not have been able to have contact with YOUR CHILDREN. Your oldest son has to decide for himself at this point what he wants out of life. You need to sit down and have along talk with your youngest son. Show him the life the oldest son has and what a part his grandparents have played in it. Go about it carefully.. Do it and do it now!

Out of Control Grandparents

Comments (7)

tlescak

nadastimer

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