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Out of Control Grandparents
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Posted by GbSongbird (My Page) on Mon, Oct 21, 02 at 4:30
| I need some input as to what to do about my parents. I am an only child and was fairly spoiled by my parents except when it came to sitting and watching sports that I participated in. I married at 19 to a wonderful guy and had my first child at 21. When our son came into this world my mother doted on him to the point of excluding everything (and everyone) else. When our second child came along 3 yrs later (a son as well) he was treated good but not the same as our first son. My parents began to defy our wishes almost immediately. They would buy toys that we said the boys couldn't have (violent toys and video games). We fought and fought but kept finding out they had these items at my parents house and were being told not to tell us they had them there. When my oldest was 13 my parents started buying him cigarettes because he asked for them. I had always been told if they caught me smoking they would make me eat it and then they were buying them for my child. Unfortunately we didn't find out for 2 yrs they were doing this. They justified it by saying they thought he wouldn't do drugs if they bought him cigarettes. It didn't stop him -- he even tried lsd and called them to pick him up from work when he had a bad trip. We only found this out a month ago -- they never told us about it and didn't even try to get him help for it. There have been battles about many things over the years and my husband and I have looked like the bad guys because we said "no" sometimes and they could ask their grandparents and get what they wanted. Our boys are now 16 and 19 and the oldest is away at a culinary school. We thought since he would be 6 hours away that maybe this cycle would be broken. We were wrong. Our son has decided that drinking and doing drugs is more important than going to school and he has become quite a problem. We cut off his loan disbursements so he has to to finance the rest on his own. We have asked my parents to stay out of this and allow him to grow up and take responsibility for his actions. They tell us they are and then turn around and send hundreds of dollars a month to him behind our backs. The last straw that made us stop communicating with them happened a few weeks ago. My parents were going to give our oldest their 2nd vehicle after he finished school. We begged them to reconsider because of his current behavior and how unsafe it would be for him to drive drunk or under the influence of drugs. They offered our youngest child the car instead. They had him stop down one evening to sign over the title and were going to transfer it the next day. They asked my husband to give them our truck (the youngest had been driving it) so they could use it as a trade-in to buy our oldest a car too. We refused as we do not belive it is in his best interests to have a car right now. They left a message on my husband's cell phone the next day that they had changed their mind about giving the car to our youngest. They were going to give it to our oldest in a few weeks. We were livid -- our son was hurt and wanted to know why they had chosen his brother over him. We haven't talked to my parents ever since. Is there someone out there who can give us some advice on how to deal with the destructive nature of my parents? I don't know how we can have a relationship with them or if we even want to try. |
Follow-Up Postings:
RE: Out of Control Grandparents
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| You say your parents began to defy your wishes almost immediately. Why didn't you put your foot down then? Why didn't you tell your parents that if they do not abide by the rules that YOU have set forth for YOUR children they will not be allowed unsupervised visits with them? The issues you are facing now needed to be dealt wih years ago, because I'm willing to bet your parents have always tried to get their way when it comes to these kids. I'm sorry to say but I think you may have missed the boat on this one. I think it's too late to do anything about this situation now. It's obvious that your parents have little or no respect for your authority as a parent or adult. I would hold them accountable for helping your children destroy their lives, and God help your relationship with your parents because I don't see how you could have one with them after all of this. |
RE: Out of Control Grandparents
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| As I was reading the post I felt sorry for you. You tried what you thought would be best but nothing worked. I think you should have stopped communication years ago to see if you got through to your parents then. Especially when you read how far some of the things went...like buying cigarettes? Now come on! What grandparent sees that as okay? The bad part now is that your kids are older. Your oldest is an adult and honestly you have no control now over what goes on. Your parents can do whatever and he can accept anything he wants, whether you like it or not. I'm sorry but I guess honestly, it is too late. You still have a few years to work with the youngest son and I'm sure by now he's not too happy with his grandparents favortism anyway. Good luck. |
RE: Out of Control Grandparents
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| I don't think it's too late to help your son. He's still young. Your parents are another matter. My grandson lives with his dad and other grandparents. He's 17. I called him one evening about a year ago and he was totally incoherent. Come to find out he'd been doing drugs for 4 years right under their noses. They had no idea. He's now in a depression and unable to attend school. He throws a fit if they want him to take meds and they let him get away with it. I don't mean to go on about my problems but I want you to know that I understand and wish I could help. |
RE: Out of Control Grandparents
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| I'm sorry, but I think it's way too late to do anything. I hold you and your husband responsible for this mess. You should have made your parents butt out or you should have cut off any contact between your parents and your sons. From what you've written, the situation was out of control when your boys were toddlers. That's when you should have handled this. Arguing and fighting with your parents was useless because they refused to respect your wishes. Once you realized they were not going to be persuaded by reason, you should have stopped acting so passively and taken action to protect your children. I'm very sorry for your pain and suffering and for the messed up lives of your children. I sincerely hope that your sons can straighten out their lives. |
RE: Out of Control Grandparents
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In reading your post and the follow ups I would suggest some counseling for you so you can make decisions to help all involved. I came from a very controling parent and that affected my entire life. Because my DH was stronger in common sense than myself we were very very lucky that all the kids turned out pretty darn good. My mom did buy the kids way too much, but we recognized the problem early enough that we were able to take control as parents not children of my parents. It is so easy to look back and to say if only. Because there appears to be drugs and liquor involved, I would only suggest some outside help. Sit down with your youngest and be very honest and tell him Why you do not want him to accept things from his grandparents against your wishes. As to your oldest, I really cannot give advice. Be sure and let your parents know if they give the oldest one a car and he drives and kills someone you will let the law enforcement know that they are completly responsible. The could even go to jail over this matter. And you will not bail them out. Maybe, and just maybe they will stop buying love with money. Again I would suggest professional guidanance.
With hugs for the right decisions
Marie |
RE: Out of Control Grandparents
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| This is harsh, and I apologize. But your parents didn't create your son's problems. They have been out of line, yes, and you should've put a stop to it long ago, but they didn't make him the mess he seems to be (from your description); they just assisted him in his destruction. The responsibility is yours, not your parents'. Why was your son looking to do all those things? He went looking for them, remember; your parents didn't force them on him. And yes, I agree that it's too late with your parents. I think that all you can do now is place the responsibility on your son, where it belongs, to pick himself up, dust himself off, and become an adult. |
RE: Out of Control Grandparents
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I agree to you.. and very good article thanks...
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RE: Out of Control Grandparents
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| You should have cut off contact with your parents a very long time ago. They should not have been able to have contact with YOUR CHILDREN. Your oldest son has to decide for himself at this point what he wants out of life. You need to sit down and have along talk with your youngest son. Show him the life the oldest son has and what a part his grandparents have played in it. Go about it carefully.. Do it and do it now! |
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