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MIL hates me..Dh and Granddkids feel the pain

Posted by
rosesarered
(roses234@hotmail.com) on
Sat, Sep 1, 01 at 21:02

There is 11 years of history here..but i will try to be breif..She has NEVER approved of me..for no reason DH and I can
find.
When Dh called to tell her we were getting married she hung up the phone(latter said it was from shock..dunno why we had
been living together for over a year)Did not come to wedding(we were in MA she was in WA)She said she "would rather send us
the $$ it cost to come ..do us moer good(I did not agree then or now..)We moved to WA to be near "His" family..And all they
do is complain about how we choose to live our life,and that we do not spend enough time with them. Dh works full time days
and part time nights.and goes to school, I work 30 or more hours per week, haev 7 yo twin boys ..and #3 is due any day
now..But they get mad when we try to "schedule" time to see them VS dropping in and hanging around for hours on end in a
house the kids can not make a mess in or go out to play (may ruin her ladscaping in back,,bad dog out front).
She never has a kind word for DH or the kids,,and me well I can say in 11 years she has used my name like 2x to address me.
Now the baby..I am 39 weeks,,she has NOT spoken to my DH more than 1x in those weeks She is MAD we area having this
baby(It is not like we mooch $$ or sitting or anything from her,Oh once 2 years a go when we thought DH was going to be laid
off and our house is part of his pay we needed a place to stay for a few weeks to get our act together to move back East..
DH asked her if we HAD to could we stay for a few weeks and she said NO!),she is welcome to see the boys when ever she
likes,she would even if she chose be free to drop in..but feels we should dance attendace on her." But like I said is mad
about the baby..has seen the twins 2 times in all this time..my mom in MA has spent more time with them in the past year
than the GM who lives here!)
Her and my SIL were invited to a suprise shower a friend gave for me..both said "OH no we have plans". Hurt but not
unexpected...
Dh does not know what to do he is hurt and confused how can anyone "cut off" their son and GK's?
I have for years made sure (DH)he calls her goes sees her, gets the Mom's day gift We do Christmas easter Turkey
day.anything she asks . I will admit I am LOUSY with thank you notes nd have not always given them for the gifts she has
given the boys. She gets mad beacuse we choose to have kid b-day parties for our boys and not small private family only
ones.(They are 7 in 2nd grade and spend all school year going to others parties and really do want them like we have them,,)
She will not allow her Dh to talk to me..him and I grow roses,,he called for some advice we were chatting away and then I
hear him say" I am talikng to sara(me)" ,,he comes back,,sound very funny not at all like the friendly tone we just had,,and
says well"I gotta go now" and hangs up..MIL came in and asked who he was talking to! At this point as much as I hate to hurt
Dh I said if this woman shows up when I have this baby with out some apology I am going to loose it on her!DH broke both
arms ,,she was no help, no sympathy my mom and sister offered to leave their jobs and come fly here to help me while he was
getting better(he had to be fed,bathed not able or weeks to be left alone.I was doing his night job so he did not loose
it,as well as my job, the kids and the house..
Well anyhow..I do not know waht to do..neither does Dh,I tried for years to not make waves, and shut up tp keep the peace,
FIL just says" well thats just the way she is" BIL says "we do not want to upset her (mom) by saying anything..She now as
wella s being rude very rarely leaves the house dismisses anything light and funny as a waste of time,,shows serious signs
of depression...and while Dh reconizes it can do nothing..Nothing that he has done sice he has met me has been right,every
opinion is wrong, his mom thinks I controll him,,which is a laugh as my mom says Dh control's me.. My Boys do ask to see her.but she refuses to see them on a planned visit,! And she has ot called to see thma ta all...what do I do?--


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: MIL hates me..Dh and Granddkids feel the pain

You might consider some family counseling to approach this problem so you and your family will handle the situation without deep bitter feelings.
If you are unable to move, you might write down your resements on paper, tear/burn it up. I see alot of hurt from you and your husband and in my case it was my mother that caused such deep hurts involving my inlaws who i really liked. So much jeasouly it has taken me years to get over it. It is easy to say just forget it, because later people say if I only did this --or that--. if and when you do talk to her on the phone, try real hard to be brief and pleasant. Even write down what you might say, don't let her destroy your family. She may be afraid she is losing her son, or if she is on medication, this may affect her, she might have high blood pressure, or any number of problems she may not know about, or will not tell any one. Don't let all this hate "eat" you up. I know, I have been there. Try going one day at a time, even hour by hour. think postive and if you are talking to your FIL, be brief and say I need to ask you a question etc. Say Thanks and tell everyone HI. They BYe. And yes 2nd graders really enjoy birthday parties with their friends as opposed to family. Just a thought, if you do not belong to any church, you might try a small community church. Sending those special thoughts for you and your family.
Marie


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RE: MIL hates me..Dh and Granddkids feel the pain

Honey, it just doesn't sound like it's worth it to try anymore. Just put the ball in her court and leave it there. You don't have to make a stink about it, just go on with your lives. Have your own Thanksgiving and let dh invite her. Same with Christmas and birthdays. You have a family of your own now and you don't need her approval or her sour attitude mucking up your family. Let your husband take the kids to visit if he wants to. I'm sorry, but reading something like this at this stage in my life, I just think it's not even worth wasting your time on the woman. If you can't see a glimmer of friendship in her after eleven years, then let her do all the work.


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RE: MIL hates me..Dh and Granddkids feel the pain

Stop bending over and you will stop getting kicked in the ass. It's as simple as that. Think about it. :)


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RE: MIL hates me..Dh and Granddkids feel the pain

I have a MIL and FIL just like that! And a SIL, BIL and wife too. Evidently, when the BIL's youngest daughter was born, they thought this would be the last grandchild, Then, DH and I had a son (3yrs.) and a daughter (14 mos). When we asked if they wanted to spend time with the kids, us, anything... the response is always busy. They told other family members that they retired and they aren't doing grandchildren anymore, yet they moved next door to BIL to be closer to grandaughter. They didn't retire from bing grandparents, they just retired from my family. They have sleep overs, babysit, take the other grand kids to lunch, santa, etc. They never include my kids. Once, the BIL's daughter told my son to move out of his chair because she wanted to sit next to her "Aunt Robin, and that she was the favorite". My 2 yr. old son, moved to another chair. When I commented that that wasn't very nice to say, MIL said "Oh let her have her fun!". They only live 15 min. away. I have decided that I will not tolerate this behavior anymore, and nor will I make my children tolerate this. I don't want my kids to know that they are not the favorite, or that their family even has favorites. I don't want my kids exposed to the "demeaning way" that my ILs treat me. I dont' want them to think it's okay to treat anyone that way. My family begins here. My holiday events will be happy, fun, and surrounded by people who love each other. Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. are at my house. If anyone wants to come, they can, provided they treat my family with respect and kindness. If not, they are not welcome here. In my house, I am allowed to say that, and inforce it. I haven't had the chance to say it yet, they never visit.
Julie


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RE: MIL hates me..Dh and Granddkids feel the pain

Sounds like my MIL. A bitter woman who screamed at my daughter because she picked a leaf off of a houseplant. she always favored my husband's sisters kids. She even called my son a freak.


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RE: MIL hates me..Dh and Granddkids feel the pain

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! WOULD YOU REALLY WANT A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH A WOMAN LIKE THAT? SHE WOULD UNDOUBTEDLY MAKE YOU, YOUR HUSBAND AND CHILDREN'S LIVES UNBEARABLE.

LORI :^)


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RE: MIL hates me..Dh and Granddkids feel the pain

I know it is terriably hurtful not to have the "dream" family relationship with your in-laws. You are right to do what is necessary to protect your children. Are other grands available to pick up the slack? How are the other aunts and uncles? Knowing and having relationships with adults who care for them is an important part of learning what being "adult" is about -- modeling and that sort of psyc termanology. SO if there isn't someone in the family who will provide an acceptable role model outside of Mom and Dad, then find a friend who will be "Auntie or Uncle" or even an adopted Granny. As great as a parent you are (right?) you cannot be the sole emotional support, plus once in awhile you will need some support too.
You aren't getting this from the in-laws, so go adopt some new "grandparents". There are people out there with a lot of love to give and who haven't been blessed with children or grandchildren of their own.


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RE: MIL hates me..Dh and Granddkids feel the pain

My sister is very suppportive with my kids, and very loving. She even calls them on the phone just to say she loves them. At night my son remembers to bless her and her family all on his own. My next door neighbor is retired and her and her sister as kinda like pseudo grand-mothers. Most of my family lives far away. My husband and I actually stayed here when I got pregnant to be close to his family. If I had known, we would have moved closer to my relatives and friends (about a 3 hr drive). We, instead, built an addition onto our home and doubled it's size. It looks great, but, we will probably be moving anyway. My husband wants more property. My kids know alot of loving people that are just friends of ours. Many of our friends have kids close to the same age, so, they have people to play with. It would just be nice if they had a good relationship with their grandparents, cousins, etc. I had a terrific relationship with my grandparents, and so many wonderful memories. It was a special time in my life and now that they are gone, I feel lucky. My aunts and uncles and cousins all meet around the holidays and at other family events. We keep in touch, and it's nice. I just wish my kids could experience this.


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RE: MIL hates me..Dh and Granddkids feel the pain

I just wanted to let you know how sad I am for you. I understand what you are going through my "dear" MIL is the same, she favors the other gkids. Then she goes through a period of one to two weeks where she calls or comes by or invites the kids over and then boom they don't hear or see from her for months. It is really tearing my kids up let alone myself and my wonderful H. I can't believe he is really her son! My 3 month old was in the hospital for one week and she didn't bother calling or stopping by (15 min away) for another 2 months (however had no problem driving 6 hrs to pick up the other gkids) She makes a date with my 7 year old and then never shows up (she has done this over 3 times, now we don't let him make dates with her)
We have talked to them (twice), explained our postition and tried to be patient. However there has never been any change in behavior if anything it gets worse because we dared to accuse her. (She is one of those people who are never at fault and it must be someone else's problem or fault)My mother instincts are getting very fierce and I blew up at Easter. I won't apologize and we have decided as a family that we are done with them. I wish you luck and hope all works for you! I will pray for you and your family. Thanks for letting me vent! I hope you all know how much it helps to know I am not the only one!
Please email me if you would like to vent or just to chat! Angie


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RE: MIL hates me..Dh and Granddkids feel the pain

I have to agree that if she's this way, why are you wasting so much energy on the relationship? Leave it be. I don't wish anything bad on my MIL, but I wouldn't mind if she was out of my life! *LOL*

Now in her defense: you said yourself that she is showing serious signs of depression. This is a serious illness, and if she suffers from it, none of this is her fault for she can't help what she does.

Have DH call her family physician and explain her behaviour so he can investigate further on her next visit. Maybe there is a medical cause - but then again, you can't force her to get help.

Good luck and God bless.


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RE: MIL hates me..Dh and Granddkids feel the pain

How are things now? Have you moved away from MIL and FIL? Live you life and let them live theirs and many times you can live too close to the parents and ILs.


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