Grandparents as Babysitters

13 years ago

We have 3 children and soon to be 6 grandchildren. We love spending time with our grandkids, but our 33 year old daughter has relied on us more and more in recent years. She is a single mother with 2 children and a third on the way. The father is no help at all and they are not together at this time. She works, but money is tight. I watched her two children all summer, taking them to their activities and trying to think of ways to entertain them. In order to do this, I gave up 5 weeks of camping that my husband and I had planned. My husband and I have been taking the children to school and picking them up, to help her out since school started. Her children attend school in a nearby town and not in the district that we live in.(They live one block away from us) I am newly retired, and was looking forward to it. When my daughter first found out she was pregnant with her third child, she asked me to babysit. At the time, I said yes. This was before giving up my summer. I recently told her that I could not babysit full time, but would do it 3 days a week. She became very upset and said that we will never see her or the children again and left. I have no idea how she is getting the kids to and from school. I have been having trouble with severe arthritis in my knee and carnying a new baby with no one else around kind of scares me as my knee gives out occasionally. Am I doing the right thing by telling her no? My daughter and I were very close until this happened. I am hoping that it is pregnancy hormones talking and things will get resolved. Thank you for any advice you can give.

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Comments (5)

daisyinga
13 years ago
I think you are doing the right thing. Go enjoy yourself camping with your husband and enjoy your retirement.

You are a sweet and thoughtful grandmother to babysit, and your daughter should be understanding when you have other plans.
oilpainter
13 years ago
Yes you are doing the right thing. Don't be held hostage by your daughter!!! I have 2 beautiful grandchildren and I love spending time with them, but Lord I'm worn out and ready to send them home when the time comes. It is unreasonable to ask you to put your life and plans on hold for years to raise your grandkids, and that is exactly what she is doing. It's nice to help out a bit, but this would be a full time job.

What on earth is she doing having a baby when she's in that situation. She has to learn to be responsible, and if money is tight and she has to pay for daycare, maybe she will think of the consequences, before she acts.
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It would have been much better if you had set perameters when your granddaughter was born, but it's not too late now. I think your daughter is taking advantage of you and you are allowing her to, because you fear losing your granddaughter. I can see that, but I can also see that this is just the tip of the iceburg, and she will take advantage as long as you allow her to. You don't have to have an all out war. Begin with little steps-- When she assumes you are going to babysit tell her you have other plans. Tell her you can no longer afford to meet her. Let her get up earlier and deliver your granddaughter to your door. If she goes for daycare she will soon find out that it is not cheap. I don't know what they charge where you live but here they charge $40 a day, that comes to $200 for a 5 day week. There are not often no spaces left and if there are they only have set times they are open. She will have to find a sitter for the times they just want to go out and babysitter fees are not very cheap either. I think she will soon come to the conclusion she has a sweet deal.
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The more I read on here, the better I feel. I grew up with no grandparents, they all died when I was little. My kids grew up with only one set of grandparents because my dad and their dad's dad were far away and didn't care too much. My mom and dad lived about 4 hours away. We saw her every Christmas and sometimes in between when I could afford to go visit her. So my kids didn't get to see them too often, but we had good times when we did. Did it bother me that my mom didn't come to visit me? Yes, but I never cut her off for not being the perfect mom or grandma. But I vowed I would do better. I have 4 daughters, and when I got my first granddaughter, I still had a 5 year old and 11 yr old, and 17 yr old. By the time I had my next two grandsons, I still had two daughters at home. It was like having more kids, especially since they all lived with me when in financial crisis, when going through a divorce, etc. I remember my daughter telling me it was my job as a grandmother to babysit the kids and I should want to, and besides, I had nothing else to do anyways. She was dating online at the time and I finally said no more. I would babysit for her, but not every weekend while she was going out with a new guy each time. Now back to the present where she has cut me out of her life......when she was throwing all the stuff about me being selfish and not spending enough time with the boys, I asked her why she never invited me over her house to visit.... bbq or play cards (I had mentioned it to her more than once) and her only excuse was she couldn't afford to bbq because her bf wasn't working enough. When I asked her why she never came over when I invited her and boys to go swimming.....well, she ignored that one. Two weeks before she posted about me on fb, I finally got them to come swimming, but she brought this new friend of hers and her kids with her and spent the whole time talking to her, so I think that was the only reason she finally came. One week before she posted the fb post about me, I had emailed her from work asking if they wanted to go to a baseball game cause my work offered me free tickets. I thought the boys would enjoy it. She refused. Two days before the post, I had emailed her because I knew her birthday was coming up and I offered to babysit the boys (including her bf's son) so they could go do something special and she said no thank you and don't ask why. I thought at the time it was cause she was mad at her bf. And then I get the post about being such a bad grandma-so I truly was it total shock. I had to stay home two day from work I was so upset. I just don't understand.....if it all really mattered to her, why doesn't she want to make it work when it's offered? Instead she says no, I don't care, I don't miss you, the boys are losing much, and I'm embarrassed to call any of you family. That was also even after two of her sisters said sorry for not visiting more (even though they live far away)
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So sweet, thanks for sharing. My kids only have one grandparent left, my Mom. But they love her fiercely. Any time my daughter would head down to Chicago for a show or a band thing in college, she would take a group of her band buddies and stay at Gram's house, where they would of course be fed with huge meals. Not too shabby for starving college students. My son and my niece are planning to spend spring break with Gramma next week. Gwen, my niece, is flying in from Colorado and Ted will be traveling down from Madison. How awesome is that that they would forgo the wild partying of spring break to spend it with their Gramma?
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Thanks ladies. I decided--it doesn't MATTER if he *gets it* or not. I cannot make him understand my feelings on the matter, all I can do is decide what I am comfortable with--draw and enforce my own boundaries. I am responsible for SS after school on ALL of DH's custodial days---every Wed, Thurs and every other Friday. I know this and I am FINE with it, even enjoy it. BM knows her own days and this is her issue. SHE can decide all by herself if going to Parent Night is important enough to drive back and forth or not. That is her choice. DH is not angry with me or anything, he seems to respect my decision, even though I can tell he doesn't understand. "And I know you don't mind having SS with you... and that's where they got you. If you say no, you're the evil SM who doesn't want to care for SS. If you say yes, you're their doormat." Silver, that is exactly it. I need to FORGET about that, though. It doesn't matter what BM thinks or doesn't think.I care about SS and she knows that, and so does DH, but caring does NOT equal being a doormat. As far as I'm concerned, SHE needs to take me out of the equation. No more of her asking "Can Love do it?" She is welcome to ask DH for a favor anytime she wants, but if HE says no, that's the end of the line. Parent---grandparents are not an option. DH's parents are not in town and BM's parents are just NOt grandparent-ly, helpful types. They just do not do that kind of stuff---ie, helping out with the grandkids. "
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peanutmom
13 years ago
I guess you could say I can see both sides of the story. I am 36 and expecting child number 4. I also have an 18 yr old daughter with a 3 month old daughter of her own. She wasn't planning hers and neither was I, but here we are. I do help her with babysitting, but I have a life of my own. I have simply told her that when my baby comes along I will have my hands full, and even though she will be welcome to visit at any time, I will not babysit for her until I am able to take care of my own and the soon to be 4 year old by myself first. I am having a c-section.

In your circumstances, I feel you are right to say that you are not going to be able to care for the children constantly. I am certain that when she calms down and is able to look at things calmly, she will appreciate what you are able to do, and see the value in it. You have said that she is in a bad situation that is going to get a little rougher. I can say that even though unplanned pregnancies are rough, they are not the end of the world and your daughter will get over it eventually.

I would suggest a phone call even if it means leaving a voicemail or message, and tell her if you are still willing to help her out, but make sure she understands that it is not just for your convenience, but also for the children's safety. If she is unwilling to listen to reason after that, you will just have to keep yourself occupied and wait for her to deal with it on her own.

I hope things work out for you. Good luck and God bless.
vala55
13 years ago
At one time I had to make the choice of going with my husband or taking care of the GKs, I opted to be with my husband. As a result he and I became much closer. We really enjoyed the things we did.
Terrapots
12 years ago
You absolutely have a perfect right and obligation to live your own life the way you want. As well as your daughter. If she wants to have children she is responsinble for their care until they become of legal age. It is her obligation to care for the children she so freely having. Don't let her give you a guilt trip, that is mean and vindictive. She wants to control your life. It may sound hard hearted but it's really not. I don't baby sit for my grandchildren except in rare emergencies. I have one daughter who couldn't do that and now she has a single mom living with her and when asked for help around the house she is offended, or tired or angry with her. It's easy for kids to turn against parents when parents don't do as they want. Life is short, enjoy your retirement while you still have your health and energy. Good luck.

Grandparents as Babysitters

Comments (5)

daisyinga

oilpainter

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