Deadbeat Grandparents?
danalynne
21 years ago
Featured Answer
Comments (22)
adjones826
21 years agomariend
21 years agoRelated Discussions
Honesty or spare feelings?
Comments (45)I wasn't trying to tell Love to pretend. I'm saying that Love should carefully choose when the best times to shed light on WBSM so that Dad's perception is not clouded. The difference between KKNY and Love is that KKNY is the parent sticking up for her child (Mama Bear... we all have her in us!) and Love IS the child. Totally different dynamic. In order to say she won't tolerate snide comments etc. she will have to prove somehow to Dad that she's not just misinterpreting the actions of *poor* WBSM who is so *misunderstood*. In my experience the only way to do that is to move a little quicker (once you realize the name of the game she is playing) and not do anything that could be misconstrued as being petty or vindictive or sulky/whiny/childish and have clear proof that is not TOLD to dad but SHOWN to dad. Of course, in my situation dad had to see it time and time and time again with different people, and he kept excusing SM as being really *nice* but that people *for some reason* just didn't see that side of her. Finally enough people gave him such similar feedback: "dude, your wife's a beyotch" that he listened. The last instance was him and her telling me what constituted a "good hostess" and listed the people who were, and who weren't. When my dad was talking to me alone later I said that it was kind of ironic that SM would be dissecting the hospitality of others when so many had negative experiences at her home. (we've come to the point where if I put things gently enough, pointing them out gently then stepping back, my dad will kind of discover/realize on his own) He was shocked, and realized that people who weren't "nice" to SM.... well... she's not particularly that "nice" either. Hm... now what? I suppose someday we'll be at a place that we can just talk about it without me fearing I will be misinterpreted. But, in my case too, this all started when I was 18. Love has enough years past 18 that she can approach it with a little more dignity than I did; first crying, telling dad she was mean to me, saying she did *little* things; looks, gestures... actions... that looked like they were nice but were really passive aggressive; next pointing it out right when it happened "see! THAT'S what I'm talking about"; next, removing myself from their life; next, bending over backwards to make her comfortable ie shut her up and then feeling horrible and crying after; finally, outmaneuvering her by being strong and kind and exposing her actions as she goes. Not pointing. Not talking. Letting her dig holes in front of me then stepping out of the way and watching her fall in. And then, the hardest part: not laughing, pointing, calling attention. Letting her call attention to herself. I'm just sending out the warning. Being direct does not always work and can make things worse....See MoreSo damaging!
Comments (18)I'm in a different situation and I'll explain so maybe a different point of view will help. My dd is 10 and she is the one that requires constant contact. I have to admit that when BD and I separated, at first it was very difficult for me to not talk to her for an entire weekend. At 4 yrs old, sending her off for a weekend was very hard on me however there were other factors to add to that. I had never sent her to daycare. Yes I had an occasional babysitter and she stayed with grandparents over night. Once we went away for a weekend without her when she was almost 4 and that was very difficult for me. It wasn't that I didn't trust my parents but I had a deep guilt for leaving her in someone else's care while I was off for three days. My problem back then and probably a contributor to my divorce was not asking for help. Thinking that it was a sign of weakness. Also I often critisized other parents who would send their kids to daycare so they could get their hair done or to have an afternoon alone. I now see the importance of taking care of yourself when you are a mom, especially for stay at home mom's. But back then, I couldn't allow myself to do it. So when it came time to go back to work (because of the divorce) I was now leaving my child in the care of someone else AND I was also without her for an entire weekend not knowing if she was doing ok. Time healed those concerns but I was expected to just snap into my new circumstances, a life I did not want, a divorce I was not prepared for, but something that wasnt up to me anymore. And before I could get used to the change, there was someone new sleeping in my bed, in my home, putting my sweet little girl to bed three nights a week and taking her to preschool... While I had no contact. I wasn't jealous that there was someone new. It wasn't jealousy at all. Bd could move on, I was ok with that but I wasn't ready for my daughter to move on. She was so little that she didn't care. Nothing bothered her. She loved the new people in her life BUT she missed her mommy too. And didn't understand either. So fast forward, I have since moved on and I am remarried and I now have a toddler that keeps me super busy when dd is away. But it doesn't mean that everytime I walk in to her empty room to put her laundry away 1st 3rd and 5th weekends of the month, my stomach doesn't ache into a knot longing just to know that she is ok. It's been 6 years... But it doesn't make a difference how long it has been-- she is still very much a part of me and I want to have 'reasonable access' to her at all times as I'm sure BD would like to have 'reasonable access' to her as well. In our most recent court order, I was ordered to buy and pay monthly charges for dd a cell phone. It's to be taken back and forth and cannot be tampered with, turned off or taken away as punishment. It is strictly for dd to have 'reasonable access' to both parents at all times. Dd told her court appointed therapist that she would like to call both parents before bed or whenever she feels like saying hi. She feels that she can't ask either parent if she can use the phone because she doesn't ever know when a good time is. I don't discourage dd from calling bd but I won't let her call if it's after 9 out of respect for their household and I know there have been times that she has said, I want to call my dad and it's really legitimately not been a good time. He does not answer when she calls but they refuse to allow her to use their phone to call me EVER. I don't expect her to call me every single day. Surely it would be nice but I will respect that it annoys them (and obviously others here) for her to call me every single day that she is with them. I want her to grow into a strong, independent young lady and part of allowing her to do that is simply letting go. I have learned over the years that even though I want something, in this very special family dynamic, I am just NOT going to get that. I have a friend who is married and they have a child. Dad travels a lot. He calls my friend several times during the day while he is away and text messages when he can. He also calls his child every night before bed to say good night and talks with his wife for a while before they go to sleep. This is what keeps them strong with all of the travel. My brother is in the military and at the moment his family does not live with him because he deploys for 3 weeks a month. He skypes with his kids every night. He does homework with them, reads books, chats-- he also facebooks and shares picture, calls and texts. This is how they get through the time apart. It's rare they miss a night unless they just happen to 'miss' each other but honestly both families make a point to be available for this time. How is their life any different with their children than my life with my children? Just because I am divorced from the father of my child, doesn't mean that I shouldnt get to say goodnight to them every single night. An opposite opinion, even hypocritical to what I just wrote is that I don't 'expect' to talk to my daughter when she is only gone one night. I've come to not expect to even hear from her over the weekend. But if a parent and a child have a truely healthy relationship as I do with my child, why can't there be a goodnight phone call? Why is it BM/BD evading the privacy of the other just to say good night OR good morning whichever it may be? The parents like Love's BM that is angry and causing SS so much anxiety and causing problems is one thing and should be stopped. I would not allow the phone calls. (if it were me) I would stop them. But someone like me that is not asking questions or showing anger or saying hateful things, in my opinion should be allowed access to their child at all times reasonable. Constant contact can be healthy if the parent is in a good place. If I were still married to the man, I possibly would still be spending every day with my child without having daycare or weekends apart... Just because we are divorced does not mean, I divorced my child. I am one in a million I know.. I know that most BMs get angry and jealous and aren't happy when someone does for their children. I have felt that gut wrenching anxiety pain in my chest about some things, especially when she was younger and I was single and struggling financially and BD and Sm were not... They could do the things I wanted to do with dd but then, one day I guess I just realized that I was so glad he was doing something for her and that she was having fun and I wasn't having to pay for it... But by the time I came to this conclusion, they weren't seeing her anymore unsupervised... I never told them that I was 'jealous' or whatever you will call it. I'm more internal so I let it eat me up on the inside and made myself internally miserable... But I understand not all people do that. They will actually lash out and the easiest person is the kid who has unconditional love for them. I've learned to not have constant contact with my child and surprisingly it was her request to be able to call me whenever she wants... But it doesn't mean that every time she is away I don't ache to hear her little voice say 'hi momma'. BD picks dd up from school on his days and takes her back to school. In the beginning of this arrangement which was only a few months ago, it was hard for me not to toss and turn wondering if she even made it home from school. Then one day when she was forgotten and the school called me... I realized I could relax because if she doesn't get picked up, the school will call.. If I dont hear from anyone then all must be going as planned. It still bothers me but it would be nice to get a phone call to say, I'm home! Now that she will have a cell phone going forward, hopefully that part of my anxiety will go away. Until the day that she forgets to call me and then we start all over again lol......See MoreThoughts?
Comments (9)I also think--and I may get blasted for this---that moms tend to harbor more jealousy and possessiveness over their children. I really think it is one of those primal things--an innate biological tendency to protect your own---that fathers don't have *as much.* IE--with my SS's BM, she has (in the past) been snippy and irritable when SS refers to my DD (his stepsister) as his "sister." She has complained to DH (not recently but within the last two years) that she doesn't like that because they are not *real siblings.* I get it. BUT that does NOT change the fact that SS and DD DO refer to one another as "my sister" or "my brother." That's how they introduce each other to friends, it's how they refer to one another in conversation, etc. They both call DH "daddy" and they really just do view and love each other as siblings. And more power to them! I think it's adorable and sweet, and if they choose to not use the term "step" (which they never ever have) then I'm not going to go out of my way to "correct" them. BM was irritated by this. Some form of jealousy on her part comes into play. Then there is my DH. He has, from the getgo, been SUPER accepting of SS's two (half) sisters from BM. DH always, always refers to those girls as SS's "sisters," and he oohs and ahhs over pictures SS might share with us, laughs at funny things SS says about them, etc. DH, in essence, has always fostered a healthy relationship and made it abundantly clear to SS that it is good and wonderful that he has sisters at his mom's. Same goes for his SF. DH is always, always positive to SS when talking about his SF. IE, his SF took him fishing a month or so ago, and DH said how great that was, how he hoped SS would have a great time, catch a lot, etc. BM is just not that way with me and MY relationship with SS, though she is getting better....See MoreBM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!
Comments (41)Ok thanks Po1 I was sooooo confused! Lol As far as the tax, it is a federal offense, look it up. If they are doing it, you don't have to go back to court, you contact the IRS. Period. Momof3 I believe you have said you are in NJ so please correct me if I am wrong. BUT on their website www.njchildsupport.org it specifically states, child support is calculated by both parents NET income combined. AND it also specifically states that other children in the paying parents household are considered into the percentage because she has to be able to provide for her other biological children. So there you go. $56 is fair for her income and the # of children she has based on her salary AND your husband's salary. NET is after all withholdings are taken out. Taxes, insurance, life insurance, etc. I understand your frustration BUT some of your anger is misguided at BM. Be made at the state of New Jersey for calculating your husband's income. And as far as the health insurance goes, neither BM nor BD provide health insurance for the child. Unfortunately what you are doing is not recognized by NJ. It states stepparent/grandparent income, contributions or their other bio children do not count in this equation. It is soley mom and dad period. So the person you should be mad at is the state not BM. You are giving her a free ride of health insurance and according to that website, you will not be reimbursed. I am so sorry that you deal with such a wonderful (sarcasm) mother. I am sorry that you have to pick up the pieces. But you are putting too much on your back for the role you have. God bless you honey. :)...See MoreCara_6
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