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estrangement/how to make amends
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Posted by dixiedoll (My Page) on Fri, Aug 28, 09 at 17:34
My son is an addict. He and his wife are now divorced.
His addiction was well hidden and my husband and I paid for three rehabs to help him and one halfway house so I feel we tried to help. My son has a little boy that is three. He is our only grandchild. Along the way on this journey of addiction things were said by everyone. Many feelings were hurt.
We did the best we could to help the former dil financially
but she considered it to be controlling even though she took the money we offered. She has since told me that she doesn't want me around my grandson . There are just so many, many hurt feelings.
My son and I are estranged because he has relapsed.
Is there any way you can think of that amends can be made on my part to her? She will not speak to me or acknowledge me whatsoever.
There are far to many details to go into. I just wonder if a rift such as this can ever be corrected.
My grandson, at age three, does not know me even though we live in the same town. I have offered to babysit but I have been told not to "volunteer". That I need to be asked.
That is the temperature of the relationship.
Thanks for any input.
dixie |
Follow-Up Postings:
RE: estrangement/how to make amends
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| Personally I would not make any overtures toward them. If you call them and it causes problems, you are just adding fuel to the fires. This what a counselor told one of our family members. Just back off and find your self something to do that takes your mind off your situation. I would never let anyone know how much they had hurt me. |
RE: estrangement/how to make amends
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| This girl will take advantage no matter what you do. I understand about your grandson--it would kill me not to see mine. Your daughter-in-law sounds like a taker and even if you grovelled to her there is no guarantee that would give you more access to the boy. |
RE: estrangement/how to make amends
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| I know how painful it is to imagine not having your grandchild in your life. I am coming to that bridge, too. It is especially difficult when your son is disconnected. It leaves the DIL in total control. My DIL and her family have pushed me away for years, and finally, has the granddaugher I was so close to--saying I am not her grandmother anymore. There is nothing that can be done. The magnitude hasn't hit me yet. I guess I knew deep down that it would come to this. They win. |
RE: estrangement/how to make amends
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| I'm so sorry. Keep your phone number in the book for that grandchild. |
RE: estrangement/how to make amends
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| I hope you and your husband are in the AA//NA programs for family members of addicts. They are a wonderful resource and can offer information, advice and support. It sounds like your family, your ex-DIL and grandson have been dragged through hell by your son/her husband/his father. I’m sure a lot of accusations and blame were made to both you and your ex-DIL, which only added to the pain. You might consider approaching her by acknowledging that you both love this man, and all of you have been terribly hurt by his actions – and that you understand that your son, and only your son, is responsible for his behavior and bad choices. Consider inviting her to lunch (no grandson). You can apologize for hurting her, and begin to explore the ways all of you can get through this terrible situation. I think you need to establish a relationship with your ex-DIL before you can expect her to trust you with your grandson. It may be a slow, painful reconciliation, it may take many attempts to even get her to talk to you, but your grandson will be the one to benefit the most by the example set by the mature, loving adults in his life. Good luck. |
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