The baby nurse will be sleeping in the baby's room on the floor and will bring the baby to her if her husband is be out of town. We would be staying in a nearby hotel, as it is a 2 bedroom apt.

This is what her previously pregnant friends have done and it has worked out very well for them. I am having a lot of trouble with this, and it seems to be reinforcing some negative issues that are in our relationship: she can be extremely reactive to my feedback, and has chosen some critical times to have done so in the past. When I get on her nerves, for whatever reason, she seems to feel justified to respond back disrespectfully. It can occur in public, it is humiliating, and I will not respond back in the same manner. A rift is developing between us b/c of these repeated incidents, which continue to open up the wound each time.

She mentioned that with a baby nurse, the four of us could go out to eat if we wanted to during those first few days I am there. I am struggling with this as I wouldn't have ever left either of my newborn children, and it is against all of my philosophy as a mom.

If you have problems communicating with your daughter before a grandchild is born, you will continue to have them after! Just because you see your role in a cut and dried pattern, that doesn't mean your daughter or her husband see it the same way.

You said:
This is what her previously pregnant friends have done and it has worked out very well for them. I am having a lot of trouble with this, and it seems to be reinforcing some negative issues that are in our relationship: she can be extremely reactive to my feedback . . .

So, being "reactive" is nothing new. Do you think at a time when she is experiencing this new role of being a mother herself, she needs the tension that "negative issues" and "reactive to my feedback" would bring?

Your role should be to support your daughter and your grandchild as best you can. If this means sucking it up and being in a hotel, while a nurse tell her "how to" instead of being the one - - then do it! This is not the time for the two of you to hash out past issues, it is the time to forge a new respectful relationship. That new relationship must include allowing your daughter to make her own judgement calls regarding her child. Please remember advise is given, but it doesn't have to be taken!

Now, I know that I have been a bit harsh. I too had a difficult relationship with my mother. She walked in to "help" with the baby (my first born) to my freshly scrubbed home saying "What can I clean?" I had been up all night getting the house ready, including scrubbing floor on my hands and knees to make it acceptable to her, and I tell you it was spotless. I had a good friend and neighbor come over to "check" and she told me I was going overboard, OCD type of overboard. Still, it wasn't "good enough" for my mom! I had taken care of children and babies since I was 10 years old, but to her I didn't do anything right: I stored the diapers in the wrong place, I bathed the baby in the wrong spot (in a baby tub on the kitchen table, with all my supplies instead of the kitchen sink - as she had done), I breast fed instead of bottle, I had the baby in a bassinet by my bed instead of isolated in the crib on a different floor (in Navy housing - floor plan was poorly laid out). By the second day of her visit I was so nervous, my milk stopped flowing!

All I wanted from her was to coo and coddle the baby. Make a fuss over her, be a grandma. For me, well she was a great cook. Having a few home cooked meals prepared while I napped with the baby would have been a godsend. Instead, she wanted to shop, go out to see the sights of the city and invited company (brother, SIL and their two children to visit for 3 days - and nights) after all, she was in the area and not doing anything.

Mom is gone now, it was rough but out of 12 grands, only 2 have fond memories of her! To spotlight the reason: my DD went for a visit, just a day after her 7th birthday. No mention of the birthday was made. In a room she would share with cousins who arrived 2 days later were gifts, beautifully wrapped and labeled -- for the cousins -- nothing for DD! Grandma said to me "I'm sure she got lots of nice things for her birthday, I sent her a card, I guess she didn't get it before you came down." DD was heart broken, Grandma had gone on and on about how she never celebrated a birthday with her, and we had made special arrangements to be there (on a very limited budget). On top of that, cousins went on and on about how they were going to a tea shop for a special tea with Grandma THE DAY AFTER WE WENT HOME, JUST THE THREE OF THEM, SPECIAL!

So, I caution you to take a look at how you offer your feedback, how you treat your daughter and the new baby. We know that you feel that what you have said in the past is OK and her reaction is poor. But, truly look at it, is it critical? Do you expect your advise to be totally accepted and feel rejected if she modifies or chooses to not follow it, for whatever reason there may be? Foggyj used the term emotional game, but if there is a "game" being played, there has to be more than one player.

I wish you luck with your new grand baby and daughter, but please take it easy on her, after all she is new at this role -- just as you were once.

Susan

Susan, I do understand what you are saying: And you are right, it is my job to support whatever decisions DD makes. I also am a former military wife who breastfed, something my mother had not done. My mother was often critical of me when I was growing up and made me feel extremely self conscious about wearing glasses, the size of my nose, my ears, my friends, etc, It really wasn't until after I was married and we were both adults that we finally began to get along well. She and my dad did come out to CA to see the baby, and she did cook, I remember how frustrated I was b/c I really needed laundry done instead of baked stuffed shrimp, so I did the laundry and we all enjoyed the meal.

I think I am forgetting that DD has not developed maternal feelings yet, and is still trying to deal with raging hormones and quicker temper than usual, as well as to sort out her own feelings about being a mom.

By the way, She was our first born and she did not sleep in our room, which was very small anyways. I can remember how frustated I was that every time I put her down on the cool crib mattress after nursing, she would wake up. With the second one I layed his blanket on the rug , and I nursed him there. You learn as you go along, and she will too.

There are bound to be disagreements, but anger can be expressed respectfully, and without cursing. We have talked several times since I posted and have discussed this, and we are renewing efforts to think before speaking. I do know from experience that can be very hard for someone who is pregnant.

Susan, How unfortunate for you and your daughter, as well as the other grandchildren. it is hard enough My mother was a wonderful grandmother, although she died when my daughter was 7. We were in between moves, and happened to be home at my folks house when it happened.

I loved my own grandparents so much, and had looked forward to my children having that relationship. My husbands grandparents died when he was in his teens. Luckily for my children,( and me,) my grandparents lived into their late 90's.

So, we will see how things go. I am going to visit her the end of Sept while her DH is out ot town, and she is driving down for a few days in the end of Aug.

My desire to go is not based on imparting information, it's to see the baby and do whatever I can that my daughter feels needs to be done: dinner, laundry, dishes, walk the dog, dump the trash, and hold the baby! ) We would not be heading up there until the three of them have had some time to adjust, ( around 10 days after the birth or later if my daughter needs more time. I don't think anyone really knows how much that first one changes your lives until it happens.)