luvstocraft has written an excellent post, IMO. I agree with her completly. I'd also like to add something for you to consider. I unexpectedly lost my own Mom was I was 19. She was my best friend. Painful loss. When I married, I was overjoyed to have a Mom's presence again. Not that MIL would/could replace my own mother but she was there for me when I had questions or just needed to talk. We developed a strong, loving relationship. In time, I called her, "Mom". I'm certain my real Mom watched my relationship with MIL bloom with pleasure. She would not have wanted it to be strained in any way. My MIL was not a perfect woman. Neither am I. She cooked different than my mother. She raised her children different than I was raised. Her accent was different. Her mannerisms were different. But, her love was the same...I've no doubts it was genuine & came from her heart. MIL often told me that she worried raising her two sons that, someday, she would have bad relationships with her DILs...and how happy she was that I accepted her. Her worst fear of her son's marrying was rejection. She was afraid that her importance in her son's life would be reduced to an obligatory phone call on Mother's Day. She was afraid her son would spend all of the Holidays with his wife's family because she'd taught him to honor his wife. She'd raised her son to be independant & strong. That left her afraid he would no longer need her in his life. When the grandkids came, she was afraid her DIL would always turn to her own mother & there would be no place for her in the grandkids' lives. We lost MIL 3 years ago come the end of June. We lost FIL January '08. I miss them both terribly. I believe our relationships are what we make of them. I became the daughter my MIL never had. She became the mother I lost. It worked because we both put forth great effort to bridge the differences. We talked together, we argued with each other & then apologized for harsh words, we cried together over silly girl-stuff, we disagreed & then agreed it was OK that we viewed something different than the other. Someday, your MIL will be gone. You will either view her as a valued & cherished member of your family or you will be bitter & angry at your differences. The choice is really up to you. The ball is in your court to either allow her a place in your family & heart, or not. Like it or not...woman are the glue that sticks families together. There's an old New England custom...summer homes are popular here (they're called "camps"). When the patriarch/matriarch of the family passes...the "camp" is often willed to the wife of the oldest son. Yes, the property goes to the wife. Why? Because it is respected that women will hold the family together & even through difficult times the summer house will be filled with family laughter making good memories. You are the glue between your DH's family & your own. You can embrace that responsibility & honor it...or you can reject it. We reap what we sow. The next time you see your MIL...greet her with a genuine from the heart big hug & a smile, tell her how glad you are to see her looking well & that the kids can spend some time with their grammy. Then, look in her eyes. Look hard. Watch them soften. Someday, you may find yourself in the role of MIL. Be a good example to your kids. Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh. I'm getting old & I've lost a lot of family. Don't wait until they're gone to appreciate them. /tricia

Stop focusing on the other grandparents and focus on the grandchildren. No matter what or who the other grandmother is, you have to develop your own relationship with the girls. They will love you for you if you are loveable and fun no matter how much they love the other grandmother. It's not a competition and it's useless to compare. You are making yourself miserable. The other grandmother is not getting in the way of your relationship with your grandchildren. If she gets 10 hours a week and you get 2 every other week, make those 2 pleasant so everyone has a great time and great memories. Even if the girls enjoy being with the other grandmother, that doesn't mean they can't enjoy the time with you. People, children included, are drawn to what makes them happy and avoid what makes them unhappy. It really REALLY has NOTHING to do with her. Relationships have nothing to do with who buys children clothing, or spoons cereal in their mouths or what inane things are said on the phone. You are wasting your time criticizing this woman for what she gushes to toddlers on the phone or how she indulges them. Let their parents deal with grandmom, if she needs dealing with, and do your own thing. Eventually she'll stop doing that, and if she doesn't, the girls will eventually find her annoying and tedious. Overbearing, needy people (if indeed she is really as you describe her) always wear out their welcome. You certainly do not need to talk to grandmom on the phone if you don't enjoy it. I can see it would be annoying that she calls while the girls are with you, but it is only for a bit. There's only so much you can say on a phone to a 3 year old. Who cares if she is worried the girls will get 'too close' to you. That's her problem not yours. The girls will be close to you, and that's that. Just make sure you aren't doing the same. Think of her as McDonalds and yourselves as a 5 star restaurant. Maybe you don't go as often, but the experience is better. It's tempting to think you are entitled to your version of 'fair', as in more or less equal time, or equal babysitting, or equal clothes buying, or whatever. But that's not how life works. And grandmom doesn't love the girls less because she has other grandchildren, and you don't love them more because they are your only grandchildren. As for the hitting: toddler do that sometimes, if their parents are conscientious, they will teach the children how to do better. It's not the other grandmother's fault, it's just how kids are sometimes. Don't take it personally. Focus on your own relationship with them and less on grandmom. You'll be happier and there will be less resentment and stress on the relationship with your son, DIL and her family. The girls won't always be little; as they grown they will develop affection based on personality and experience.

Your sister's first responsibility is to her children. IMO she should not allow them to be exposed to such a hateful person and refuse to associate with the MIL. If her hubby doesn't like it, he'll have to decide whose feelings are more important, his mother's or his wife's. If he choose mommy over his wife, she and her kids would probably be better off without the whole clan. I'm sorry for being very cynical but I would not allow such treatment of my own kids either. Life's too short and our children are too important.

I have an iphone but I keep it in the silent mode. No rings, buzzes, vibrations, pings - whatever! I have to look at my phone to know if someone is trying to contact me and I won't do it in public or when I'm with someone. My family and friends hate it! But, I'm sorry, MY PHONE is for my convenience - not yours. DH says I'm a freak! If someone is iRuding (love it!) me, I simply walk away. I once had a situation where I was going to a concert with a friend. Just the two of us in her car for 45 minutes. She talked on the phone almost the entire time. Wasn't even important, just a "whatcha doing?" type conversation. After that night, I never spoke to her again.