Yes we have right of first refusal but in the past it's been my word against his in court. He is notorious for lying under oath. He has been caught buy nothing has ever happened to him except embarrassment so they continue to do it. As far as school, I have exclusive right over education and BD has the right to be informed, speak to teachers, be at activities etc. The school already knows that and understand the situation so even though dad requests that when it's 'his' day he be notified first, the school feels it's easier to contact the custodial parent first. His days do not begin until school is dismissed and end when school resumes so during school hours that is technically my day. I opted not to fight this battle because I felt it was too much of a headache. So far I have no idea if the school has ever contacted him about anything and frankly as long as I am notified or kept in the loop -- if they make two phone calls that is A-Ok with me. I think they expected me to throw a tantrum over SM signing school work and were even more annoyed when I didn't. For them it's opposite of a normal parents feelings. I feel relieved when I don't hear anything from them. They get frustrated and strengthen their stance against me when I stay quiet. sm is notorious in the last 4 yrs for trying to provoke me in to flipping out so she can say SEE BM is nuts!! I haven't reacted to her openly in a long time and it gets her so worked up. Before, I would flip and shoot off my mouth and she would smile and laugh and basically pat herself on the back for pusing my buttons and proving to the world that I'm nuts... I've grown so much from that person I was when my divorce was so raw and I was still emotional and still 'learning' to cope... But it seems that they aren't happy or relieved that I am not that person anymore. They have this attitude that I took something away from them when BD lost rights and so now they are wanting to pay me back. I just don't even want to deal with it. I just want to get along. Let DD have a good time. I was going to offer that they could have DD for spring break even though it's my year. I also had planned to offer more weekends and some week time during the summer. I want to send an email to say I don't have any plans for these dates if you want DD in addition to what you already have. Even offering her bday weekend since they haven't had her in 3 yrs nor the yr before making that 4 yrs on her bday. I don't want anything in return. Even my attorney told me No don't do that because they may turn around and say I am pushing DD off on to them instead of spending my time with her. Ugh I just can't do anything right it seems ... Or come up with a plan to throw up my white flag without it biting me later on. I agree with you PO1 if dad isn't home -- DD just needs to stay with me. She does not feel comfortable with SM yet. She enjoys her step sister though but says SM treats them different. DD is told she is not allowed to attend any extra curricular activities while visiting them. Which I can understand. I won't argue with that because the last thing I want to do is to cart DD around on our weekends to activities that BD had signed her up for plus anything I might sign her up for. All activities DD is in are during the week and I won't allow them to interfere with his weekends. However while BD is working all weekend, DD has to sit through stepsisters gymnastics and soccer and wait around for girl scouts stuff. My question is why not put DD in those things so they can do them together. BD told me he pays enough in child support that he isn't going to pay hundreds of $'s a month for her activities too. Real winner huh? The thing with DD being alone with SM is that is when things happen. That is when she talks to DD about inappropriate things. But it's my word against hers or DDs word against hers and there isn't much they do except slap her on the hand. The therapist told BD and the courts he needs to be the one that is doing everything from pick ups to drop offs to spending one on one time with DD to build their relationship. He has yet to do that and DD tells the therapist there is no one on one time and therapist just sends a 'reminder'email to BD about his time and responsibilities. How Many times do you have to tell someone what their job is as a parent before they get it? I think that is why I feel like giving up. I just don't want to fight these things anymore because nothing will be done anyway so shouldn't I just let it go too? If I try to stand my ground and tell BD through email be a dad ... Do your job.. Be there for DD ... Your absence is hurting her... It becomes a pissing match... I don't feel like it. Am I giving up?? Is it ok for me to give up?? My mom's point is that we have fought for 3 yrs to keep these things from happening -- to make SM back down. And my point is -- at what cost? At who's expense? Mine! My families! My other child who needs more from me than what he gets because I'm constantly dealing with this. Going to court, going to therapists, writing emails, doing research, having conferences, paying money -- lots and lots of money... I hope I'm making myself clear-- I am not giving up on DD I'm just wanting to get along with her father and make peace. I'm not saying I was ever wrong for fighting in the courts. I'm not saying their points are right or wrong ... Just tired of nit picking. If DD came home with a serious problem.. I would do something but these little things, if I'm able to let them go, shouldn't I? Or should I keep telling the courts and telling the therapist 'well BD did it again or SM is asserting herself into our lives again.. SM is playing a power struggle again. And that is all it is so if I give up the struggle it doesn't mean they have won or she is now MOM it just means, she doesn't threaten me anymore. I'm not threatened by her taking my place. That used to upset me when DD was younger because I was single and struggling. BD and SM were living the life BD and I used to live. A happy little family, while it was just me and DD and I thought OMGosh it's going to be this way forever. They can provide more.. They have a house and DD is going to want that more than what I have to offer. They will be able to buy her and I won't be able to do that. Well... That is how I USED to feel. What I finally realized about 3 months ago is that SM underestimates my relationship with DD. She thinks that by making DD call her MOM then DD is going to forget that I am her MOM ... But what she failed to realize (and I think i did too) is that no matter what DD calls her, DD knows that I am her mom and the bond we share is not replaceable by anyone but me. I can ruin DDs faith in me but sm will never be able to take it away from me. I think once I realized how much DD is connected to me and not be hearing it from everyone else... But actually seeing it for myself, in relation to SM that is when she no longer was a threat to me in my mind... And I could finally let go of that power struggle. Does that make sense?

What a mess! But if anyone can figure it out and come up with the right thing to do, I suspect it'll be you, JNM. Maybe SD's counselor could help you sort things through? (He sounds like a terriffic guy.) As much as I hate to admit it, I can see a little of BM's point of view -- Learning to forgive yourself for your mistakes, and wanting SD to take some responsibility (if it was SD who left SD's pills out in the open and not BM leaving BM's pills out, though any decent mother with a 2 year old KNOWS you have to safeguard medicines.) But even so -- She's deflecting and counter-accusing instead of listening. Did you read SD's email? Was she clear? Reasonably respectful? (No better counter-punch to 'sassy witch' than a respectful tone -- though that's awfully hard to maintain on the phone. Would 'Round Two' of the email, with a stronger "I need you to listen to what I'm saying - I'm not trying to hurt your feelings" message stand a chance? And is SD talking about recent happenings and decisions instead of old news? It's clear how desperate BM is to avoid serious introspection. Sure - you have to forgive yourself. But that's NOT the first step. First, you have to take a good hard look at your actions, identify the lessons you need to learn, feel true remorse, acknowledge the need for change, start to make those changes, and THEN you get to forgive yourself! Not before. Not instead of... Of course, you DON'T EVER say "Don't come back until you apologize!" to your kid. EVER. Because SD heard "I don't want you!" not "I'm so angry I'm not thinking straight!" What a mess...

BM told DH that SD is getting on her nerves & she doesn't think she can take it any/much longer (I may have not gotten the exact words from DH, I wasn't there). I don't know what BM has told SD, but it wouldn't surprise me if she says hurtful things to her. I don't even know if she's playing that angle anymore... saying she wants SD. It was pretty cold what she did/said at SD's birthday party. She showed up 40 minutes late, no gift & stayed in the corner with her BF & baby... then SD got my permission to spend an hour with BM after the party (I thought BM had agreed) and when SD asked her, BM said "no honey, I've got to get the baby home, it's such a long drive... I don't know how HE'S lasted THIS long!", like coming to her party was a major inconvenience. I mean the baby was sleeping the whole time... he was a month old. That was a HUGE eye opener for SD... BM did that right in front of me & MIL. mattie~ If someone had told me as a young adult, that I would witness so many mother's not parenting their own children, I would not have believed it. I had my first when I was still 17. I made a choice to be a parent. Abortion was legal, I could have chosen adoption (because I am pro-life), but my choice was to be a parent & take the responsibility for my actions, since my child was not planned. I NEVER imagined that dumping my child off on anyone else, including the father, was an option. I was flabbergasted when I met my exBF. HE had three children & their mother had walked out for a new boyfriend. She came to see the kids once or twice a year.. never called or saw them on holidays or birthdays, never bought them anything or paid support. But, then I got a job in social services & then I really saw how many kids are being raised by father's, grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, siblings, etc. & foster care. and within my own family, I have a couple of female cousins & a sister that left the children to pursue their own life (with or without someone else) but they walked away too. I thought the bonding & love that developed between me & my children when I was pregnant & as they grew up, was something ALL women felt for their offspring. It is somewhat understandable if men don't have that same bonding experience, because they don't physically carry, give birth & nurse the baby. IMO, the maternal instinct is to nurture & protect your offspring & the paternal instinct is to protect & provide for the offspring. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to comprehend how a mother can not want to nurture her child, but put herself first & use her own child to further her own agenda. and I do think this affects me more because I have my own (deep) issues with my own mother. I was just telling my dad yesterday, that I am 41 years old & still have not given up completely that my mother would be different. I have accepted that we will never have a mother/daughter relationship where we go shopping, get our nails done & have lunch. I've grieved it as it is a loss & have accepted that she isn't that kind of mother, but then again it is something that I hope could happen... even though I know it isn't likely, which is what SD does with her mom.. she knows she isn't getting from her mom what she wants, she just hasn't gotten to the point of accepting that that's the way it is. I think she's getting there & it's a painful journey.. I know because I've been there. That is where all of my anger toward BM three years ago came from... I knew we'd get to this place and it made me angry that I could do nothing about it. I actually feel bad for BM & DIL because they might think they can make up for it later & have that relationship someday... the one my mom once talked about with me, but it never happened because those relationships take time & energy. Those kinds of mothers don't want to invest their time & energy into building it, then wonder what went wrong with it's not there later. I feel sad for BM & DIL that they are missing out on so much with their children... but it's not really about MY feelings.

myfampg, your ex is a jerk. And you are correct, you cannot change the temporary order any more than he can. For a brief period, way back when, it was alternating holidays with BM. According to DH she never showed up for hers, and that only lasted for a few months anyway. Then the judge stripped all holidays from her; for right now it's a straight every third weekend visitation schedule with holidays not taken into account at all. (Way to go, judge-idiot! I sincerely hope that they have saved you a special corner in purgatory where you can contemplate the consequences of your 30-second, I don't feel like dealing with this, split the baby, "decision".) Anyway, I think the original schedule was something like Christmas Eve until 9:00 AM Christmas morning, and then the rest of Christmas Day with the other parent. For young kids with parents who live close together, I think that that is not a bad one. When I was a kid, my parents lived in separate states. There was no court order because they never went to court for custody but worked it out themselves. We usually spent most of Christmas break with my father; since the distance was as far as it when we went was based more on when weekends fell in relationship to Christmas than anything else (if parents drove they met half-way, it was an all day drive so they needed to do it on a weekend, although at holidays sometimes we flew or took the train). Our schedule was more like Parent of One's DD. It's a tough one because of course the non-custodial parent wants to see their kid as much as they can, but particularly as kids start to head into their teen years it's hard to miss every holiday or summer event with their friends.