luvstocraft has written an excellent post, IMO. I agree with her completly. I'd also like to add something for you to consider. I unexpectedly lost my own Mom was I was 19. She was my best friend. Painful loss. When I married, I was overjoyed to have a Mom's presence again. Not that MIL would/could replace my own mother but she was there for me when I had questions or just needed to talk. We developed a strong, loving relationship. In time, I called her, "Mom". I'm certain my real Mom watched my relationship with MIL bloom with pleasure. She would not have wanted it to be strained in any way. My MIL was not a perfect woman. Neither am I. She cooked different than my mother. She raised her children different than I was raised. Her accent was different. Her mannerisms were different. But, her love was the same...I've no doubts it was genuine & came from her heart. MIL often told me that she worried raising her two sons that, someday, she would have bad relationships with her DILs...and how happy she was that I accepted her. Her worst fear of her son's marrying was rejection. She was afraid that her importance in her son's life would be reduced to an obligatory phone call on Mother's Day. She was afraid her son would spend all of the Holidays with his wife's family because she'd taught him to honor his wife. She'd raised her son to be independant & strong. That left her afraid he would no longer need her in his life. When the grandkids came, she was afraid her DIL would always turn to her own mother & there would be no place for her in the grandkids' lives. We lost MIL 3 years ago come the end of June. We lost FIL January '08. I miss them both terribly. I believe our relationships are what we make of them. I became the daughter my MIL never had. She became the mother I lost. It worked because we both put forth great effort to bridge the differences. We talked together, we argued with each other & then apologized for harsh words, we cried together over silly girl-stuff, we disagreed & then agreed it was OK that we viewed something different than the other. Someday, your MIL will be gone. You will either view her as a valued & cherished member of your family or you will be bitter & angry at your differences. The choice is really up to you. The ball is in your court to either allow her a place in your family & heart, or not. Like it or not...woman are the glue that sticks families together. There's an old New England custom...summer homes are popular here (they're called "camps"). When the patriarch/matriarch of the family passes...the "camp" is often willed to the wife of the oldest son. Yes, the property goes to the wife. Why? Because it is respected that women will hold the family together & even through difficult times the summer house will be filled with family laughter making good memories. You are the glue between your DH's family & your own. You can embrace that responsibility & honor it...or you can reject it. We reap what we sow. The next time you see your MIL...greet her with a genuine from the heart big hug & a smile, tell her how glad you are to see her looking well & that the kids can spend some time with their grammy. Then, look in her eyes. Look hard. Watch them soften. Someday, you may find yourself in the role of MIL. Be a good example to your kids. Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh. I'm getting old & I've lost a lot of family. Don't wait until they're gone to appreciate them. /tricia

I have a MIL and FIL just like that! And a SIL, BIL and wife too. Evidently, when the BIL's youngest daughter was born, they thought this would be the last grandchild, Then, DH and I had a son (3yrs.) and a daughter (14 mos). When we asked if they wanted to spend time with the kids, us, anything... the response is always busy. They told other family members that they retired and they aren't doing grandchildren anymore, yet they moved next door to BIL to be closer to grandaughter. They didn't retire from bing grandparents, they just retired from my family. They have sleep overs, babysit, take the other grand kids to lunch, santa, etc. They never include my kids. Once, the BIL's daughter told my son to move out of his chair because she wanted to sit next to her "Aunt Robin, and that she was the favorite". My 2 yr. old son, moved to another chair. When I commented that that wasn't very nice to say, MIL said "Oh let her have her fun!". They only live 15 min. away. I have decided that I will not tolerate this behavior anymore, and nor will I make my children tolerate this. I don't want my kids to know that they are not the favorite, or that their family even has favorites. I don't want my kids exposed to the "demeaning way" that my ILs treat me. I dont' want them to think it's okay to treat anyone that way. My family begins here. My holiday events will be happy, fun, and surrounded by people who love each other. Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. are at my house. If anyone wants to come, they can, provided they treat my family with respect and kindness. If not, they are not welcome here. In my house, I am allowed to say that, and inforce it. I haven't had the chance to say it yet, they never visit. Julie

Sectsteve I appreciate your input. no she really isn't getting any help. She has the very active twins and was finding it very hard to deal with them so she asked her family doctor for an anti anxiety medication. The reality is there are people for whom motherhood is more difficult than normal and she is one of those and then to have twins it has just been too much. All the care of the children is turned over to my son the minute he walks in the door from work. We volunteered to pay for all day preschool at a lab school connected to the university where they live to help her out. They discussed it and called us and said they would take us up on the offer. We thought that would help her, but what happened is that she turned inward even more. She drinks at home . she posts on facebook that after meeting her friends at the bar for a few drinks, when her friends leaves, she stays behind for just one more drink by herself. And last year and this the girls are in school all day. It should be getting better and it is not. For 3 of their 6 years, these girls have been in all day school. I took the opportunity at the time Whitney Houston died to discuss it with my son that she shouldn't be drinking and the other night I mentioned it to her. She says her doc says it is okay. perhaps he thinks she is drinking an occasional glass of wine when she goes out to dinner. Thanks to all of you have been supportive. I did not intend to get into a discussion of all the back issues. And for all the others I hope your posts brought you great pleasure. You're right, there is a lot more to this story. I could get into the failure to thrive issue because mom didn't have enough breast milk and refused to supplement them even when the pediatrician told her to. Finally at 6 months when they were so far behind, not sitting up, not doing anything normal 6 month old babies do she agreed to supplement them. Yup there sure is a lot more to this story..

Any advice on how to deal with resentment to husband caused by MIL? This post really resonated with me, although my MIL is a good, kind woman and it sounds like your MIL isn't. As nice as my MIL is, we still have an uneasy relationship. You and your MIL have very different expectations about what your relationship with one another should/will be. She has made it clear she doesn't want the kind of loving family relationship you want. You cannot change that. It doesn't matter how nice you are, how many texts or pictures of the kids you send or anything else you do, you cannot make her like you, love you or want to be around you. Accept that. Your husband can't change that, either. There is absolutely nothing he can say or do to make her love you, like you, or want to be around you. Accept that, too. If your family is abroad and you would like to embrace your husband's family as your own, that is not going to happen. Not because of you, but because they are not that kind of family. They aren't going to help you, call you, keep in touch with you, and your husband cannot make them. Accept that. Develop other close family-like friendships so you will have a network of support, but don't look for a support network from your husband's family. There are probably other people in your area who have no family or a dysfunctional family and would love to have close family-like ties with friends. Stop worrying about what she wants the kids to call her and whether or not she tries to manipulate the kids by sending gifts. Let her send all the gifts she wants. Kids love their moms. Stop worrying about what your MIL tells the rest of the family about you. Your MIL sounds creepy, selfish and mean and the rest of the family probably knows how she is. If she's been that way toward you, she's been that way toward other people, too. Stop making little digging comments to your husband about your MIL. If he comes home and tells you she said hi, just let it roll off your back. That doesn't mean you should never discuss your feelings or concerns with him, just don't make a lot of little digging comments. Save your discussion for when it really matters, then sit down sometime when you aren't angry and have a calm discussion. She is your husband's mom. He loves her very much, regardless of her faults. Trying to get him to include you in their phone calls, emails and texts is a losing battle, I think. If you keep insisting, what you will probably accomplish is that he will talk to her just the two of them anyway and he will stop mentioning it to you. She sounds like a mean and unpleasant person, so really, this works out great for you to not even have to talk to her. This problem is between you, your husband, and your MIL. Don't drag the kids into it, don't encourage them to ignore your MIL or treat her badly. In time your children will notice things for themselves. It sounds like they won't see her often, anyway, and it sounds like she's not really a kid person, anyway. Counseling would help you sort out what expectations are reasonable and what aren't. Having said all that, my husband would never in a million years scream at me, shake me or call me names. Please get some counseling so you can get some perspective on this. Your family is abroad, you sound isolated, make sure you build some ties with friends in the area. Keep your job skills current and make sure you have all the tools you need to become independent if you want to or need to do that. Best of everything to you and your little family.