Need advice on boundaries
jules0988
16 years ago
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16 years agolast modified: 9 years agojules0988
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Pre-schooler testing boundaries - advice
Comments (63)I really appreciate everybody's input. It has been really valuable to me to read and help me work through this. I talked with her BFFs parents last night whose daughter is not at the school. Her BFFs mom picked up for me as I got stuck in traffic behind a wreck. She read her folder notes and was a bit shocked about the complaints such as wasted time during center time, not standing still in line, etc. Then her husband mentioned that it is not worth for your child to be feeling like she isn't good or picked on at this point in her life when you can do something about it since even though the teachers doesn't say it all the kids know who is the one they call bad and no point in harming her self esteem at this age. He also said he has never ever seen her act like anything but a normal 5 year old and they are around us a lot. They also have a strong willed daughter. He told me to listen to my instincts. I felt better to have talked to them and validate that I think it is a bit extreme. He also said he was sure the administrator wasn't used to talking to somebody who is well educated and researches everything and then contradicts her. They both know the person in question. It is funny because that is almost exactly word for word what I thought after talking to her yesterday morning about what the law actually says. Yesterday went good and later in the afternoon when I checked in to see how things were going they said if she wasn't asleep by a certain time then she'd get to read books and do puzzles. Seems like they decided to listen to me about what the state said after all. This morning was more like a normal drop off with one exception. My daughter said as soon as I parked and came to her side to help her out that "Mommy I have a tummy ache" and I asked if she needed to go and potty, the answer was no and I could feel it seemed more psychological than physical as she was dragging to go into school. Since late last week this has been going on about not wanting to go in vs. she used to run ahead of me and be all excited. I really feel for her as it can't be easy to process. I left her with that I think she is an awesome kid and I know she is the best and she reluctantly let me go. Then this morning I got a call from principal at the school we were hoping she would get into for Kindergarten - didn't make it into pre-K, saying they have an opening in the Spring in the pre-K class. I'm going in on Tuesday to meet with the principal. DH and I are going to discuss some more, but we are fairly certain we will switch. I don't want to deal with anymore threats of you can leave if you don't like it when discussing things as I feel it is unproductive and I feel bullied when it is said. The upside too is that if she already is a student then she can continue into the Kindergarten program and we don't have to worry about being on the waiting list. I also looked at their published schedule and they have story/naptime and at a much later time that seem to fit much better with an older childs need for a nap than the 1.5 hr earlier that they enforce at her current school which works for younger children. Their time is more in line with the time she actually falls asleep on the weekend than the time we tell her to go and take the nap (we try to stick to the same schedule as school). This just seems like a wonderful gift to me as I was worried about moving her through too many places and doesn't seem like it could have come at a better time. One of the boys on our street is also in this class and she plays with him and his older sister who is in 1st grade at the school. This post was edited by lyfia on Fri, Dec 13, 13 at 15:07...See MoreAdvice needed about where to draw boundaries with step kids.
Comments (49)Serenity...I see what you're saying, but I don't think I'm going to ask for a copy of the divorce certificate, I think that would sound like I don't trust him and I always like to trust someone until they prove otherwise. Work and gossip is not an issue, we live an hour apart in a big city and have very different lines of work so that will never get mixed up. I know I'm not their step mother, I'm Daddy's gf, but I'm the only one so I don't think it's too traumatic for them having me around. Their mom has a new man now and from the sounds of it is trying to buy their affection with day trips and half the gift shop. Good luck with that. Bunglogrl...I asked him if he had been playing the field a bit since he'd been separated (hoping he had!) and he said he hasn't dated anyone. I agree, he should have been seeing different women but the fact is he was alone for a year or so and didn't. He's just not that type of person. I know another recently separated man with 2 small children and he has been sleeping with about every 3rd woman he meets if the rumours are true. Some people need to, some don't. My bf is a relationship person, and that is not such a bad thing, having been cheated on by my last boyfriend, it is attractive for me to be with a man that sustained a relationship for so long. Obviously he is not like my ex that just wanted to go and screw around. I do see the point when people say he is just looking for a replacement wife and here I am! Well, is that such a bad thing? He likes having me round and making me dinner and buys me little gifts (something I am not used to either). I haven't come across many people that like to be alone. I have done all the things you do in your 20's, college, work, travel, a few boyfriends, and I know I'm ready now to settle down and I'd like to get married (but not desperate to, I never had the "princess day" fantasy about the white dress haha) and have my own baby soon. I don't mind helping out with his kids and he does frequently ask me for advice about parenting. He knows I'm not a parent but I tell him what I know and it usually works if he does it. He told me he has done his grieving for the relationship, and wants to move on, so if a new wife is what he wants, then that's not such a bad thing. I'm very independent, I work full time, pay my own way and I still travel without him, so it's not like I'm going to slot right into to being his housekeeper, chef and babysitter. We are both respectful to each other and know we are lucky to have met each other. There are a few reasons we want to move in together. He can't pay his mortgage alone and I can't afford to buy a house on my own (house prices have skyrocketed in the last few years in my city). Plus we live an hour apart so with our jobs, the nights he has his kids, the gym and social committments we don't get to see each other very often. I know it sounds like a rush but it doesn't feel like it. It takes months to buy/move houses anyway so it likely won't happen until the new year. Anyway, I'm working it out with the kids, and I have told me I want to help him and I can, if he asks but he has permission to tell me to shut up if I go overboard or offend him. Thanks for all the advice......See MoreBoundaries With Adult Children
Comments (14)Thank you so very much for all your suggestions. I would like to point out a few things in order to make things a little more clear. But first, I would like to ask what OP means? (Sorry, IÂm not on forums much.) SS girlfriend (they have been together for 5-6 years but not married yet) usually is working or just stays home and enjoys the quiet time when they come down. I do not mind this part as I really do understand. I believe with all my heart SS motive is to spend time with me and his dad for continual contact and bonding. Truly, itÂs not that I mind that AT ALL! My son and my SS are the same age. Both boys have been through a lot of hurt growing up from our previous marriages. My husband & I have both tried very hard to bring healing to our boys (he has two) and make them feel loved and wanted, which is why SS does feel at home and comfortable. I really am glad that he does feel at home and welcome. I really do want him to. He even has started calling me mom lately, although I am very open about step-family issues and have NEVER EVER tried to replace his mother. A couple of years ago, before we moved to our current home, my SS would put my husband on a guilt trip if he didnÂt get his way about coming when he wanted without respect to our plans. He has never been considerate of our life or plans, which is one thing that really angers me a lot. We have been living somewhat primitive for about a year and a half now since buying our current property. We are trying to get on our feet financially. We bought 5 acres of property with the last penny we had. We had to temporarily move into an old house on the property (that had no indoor plumbing). When we first bought it, my SS was dropping off the kids for us to babysit EVERY weekend. ItÂs as thought he tries to make us feel obligated. My husband tried to help but finally had to tell him that we just couldnÂt do it every weekend due to trying to get ourselves situated. He got mad and didnÂt talk to us for awhile, even though my husband was very nice about it. We have since been able to put a little singlewide mobile home on the property (10 x 52). It is VERY small. My computer, paperwork and all that type of stuff is in the living room for lack of anywhere else to put it. The doors inside the trailer do not lock because they are sliding doors. (I had thought about trying to put my important stuff in one room and lock it somehow.) The children are only 1 ½ years old and 5 years old. SS doesnÂt really watch them real good. I wonÂt go into all the details of what they get into since everything is easy to reach and they are little after all. But, I do resent the fact that they are not kept out of important things and from tearing up things. (We have recently had our well drilled and expecting our trailer to be moved next Friday. So, we are making progress.) Another example is: one Saturday night, he didnÂt leave until 11 p.m. I got up at 5 the next morning to go to work. I knew he was planning to come back the next day because I was making him a resumeÂ. I was on the phone with him at work (about his resumeÂ) and mentioned to him that I was going to have to take a nap when I get home because I was SO tired. I thought he would take the hint to not come until later in the evening. When I got home, he was already there. He was under his car, changing the oil. My husband was outside too, and the kids were in the house demolishing everythingÂincluding breaking the phone. I was so tired and angry. This is why I feel invaded but donÂt know really how to approach it since I really do love my SS and step-grandkids. As for me, I do not want to babysit every weekend. Once a month is fine for me and if my husband wants to spend more time, I think he should go visit them at their home. Thanks for listening and please forgive me for such a long post....See MoreHow much hedging plants to plant vs. fence boundary alternative
Comments (14)And for a completely differing opinion....."Does just mulch look weird?", my answer would be not at all :-) There are all manner of mulches and some are better suited for some applications and locations than others and will have differing aesthetic qualities. Not all mulches will look "dead". I would also argue that nature does not necessarily cover all bare surfaces (other than rock) with plants. In many cases, the soil is covered by layer upon layer of discarded plant matter - fallen leaves and tree needles, dead annual vegetation, pieces of limbs and twigs, etc., forming a naturally occurring mulch that restricts or inhibits unwanted growth while nourishing existing plants I would also ague that some gardeners or homeowners do not want a solid, unbroken expanse of plant material. They prefer individual plants to be distinct and many even prefer that the plants never touch each other. And many groundcovers can be overly aggressive spreaders, requiring more time and attention to control than a typical mulch. Would I use mulch in place of a lawn? Generally, no. In that case groundcover plants might make more sense. Applied organic mulches - shredded bark, wood chips, leaves, certain seed or nut hulls, even compost or manures, etc. - are of huge benefit to a garden in that as they decompose over time, they release valuable plant nutrients and stimulate soil biology. They also help to retard weed growth, slow soil moisture evaporation and insulate both plants and soils against temperature swings. Groundcovers are just living mulches. But they are not the only solution nor necessarily the best. It all depends on one's preferences and application situation....See Moreeileenlamp
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