Jim, Grandmother's Hat is a splendid rose here in Southern California. I grow three of them here in Encino; I had two in my Newhall garden and there are two GHats and one Larry Daniels (lighter sport) in clients' gardens in the Santa Clarita Valley. It's a very versatile rose! It performs wonderfully kept pruned as a taller shrub and can easily be trained up over an arch or pergola as a friend in Old Orchard, Valencia, grows it. It flowers nearly year round here and is wonderfully fragrant. The new growth has a sweet pepper-cedar scent and the flowers are intensely sweetly fragrant. Many shoots can be entirely prickle free while others have scattered prickles. For me, there has never been any mildew and I've only seen black spot on new, young, un established plants. I love pruning it at home and in my clients' gardens because it scents my hands with its wonderful plant fragrance, just as Mutabilis does when I trim it back. Another you may enjoy here is Gloire des Rosomanes, the old Ragged Robin as it is very much like Grandmother's Hat in many respects. The flower is less double, not quite as large and a deeper red, but it carries the same wonderful plant and flower scent, and it is as shade tolerant at Grandmother's Hat. Mutabilis, I guess, COULD be termed "messy", depending upon your definition of the word. If you're more in to tailored "rose gardens", you probably won't like it. But, if you like shrubs which flower incessantly, you'll love it. Nothing makes as beautiful a bank or shed cover as Mutabilis! It's a remarkable landscape shrub in these parts and it's (thankfully) becoming more well known and used. I found one gallon, own root plants of it for $10 at the Green Arrow in North Hills on Sepulveda last week while out searching for peat pellets to plant my rose seeds. The flower colors vary daily and also by temperature, light intensity and location, so in some places, they'll be more intense, while others will show them more pastel. It's a trait of the China rose color shift, just you see in roses like Double Delight, the variegated Teas and Joseph's Coat. Cooler temperatures and less intense light cause them to be paler. Increase the light and heat intensity and the colors saturate more completely. Mutabilis can be pruned with hedge clippers or simply trimmed to maintain it where you want it. The new foliage is a wonderful bronzy red with darker green mature foliage and it will literally flower twelve months of the year. I use it here between the house and the awful white vinyl fence the up hill neighbors installed when the huge pine fell and took out the old chain link. It's allowed to do its thing and fill the space, reducing the reflected light off that fence and it is gorgeous with Dalechampia tangled in it. Like Banksias, it is totally trouble free, here. I use both Mutabilis and Grandmother's Hat in my rose breeding efforts and love them both. Scents, total plant as well as flower, are important to me. I honestly don't care for plants which don't provide me some sensual pleasures when not in flower. There has to be either scent, or enjoyable texture or beautiful foliage or plant architecture to it when not blooming or I don't want to use my resources on it. I will tolerate light infections of fungus on plants which, otherwise, give me what I seek. When the infections seriously detract from the enjoyment or weaken the plant, the shovel comes out. In my seedlings, I am far more ruthless. You might also take a look at Comtesse du Cayla. She makes a large shrub, flowering all year and is one I'm using with Mutabilis for breeding. Polyanthas you and your daughter may enjoy are Pink Pet, White Pet, Lamarne, Verdun, Lauren, Sunshine, Werner von Blon, Lullaby and, particularly the bush form of Mlle Cecile Brunner and Perle d'Or. I honestly wouldn't grow Cl. Cecile Brunner unless you're trying to slip cover your garage. The bush or Spray Cecile are much more satisfying and will literally flower year round. J&P's Wild Dancer seems immune to any disease here (Santa Clarita Valley and Encino). Louis Lens roses do rather well here, too. Walferdange, Bouquet Parfait, Jet Flame (NOT a "mini", just smaller flowers), Jacqueline Humery are gorgeous as is his Plaisanterie. Sean McCann's Smiling Jean has been absolutely trouble free here in Encino. You honestly should also investigate Secret Garden Musk Climber for scent (plant and flowers), perpetual bloom and ease of growth. Sally Holmes is nearly as ubiquitous as Iceberg here for the same reasons...perpetual flowering, bullet proof plant, sensual appeal. Just like Camrys and Accords, they just WORK. I grew an own root plant of it in Newhall for 18 years, keeping it pruned as a free standing, six foot shrub. It was enormous and looked like a huge, white Hydrangea on steroids. Friends used to tease that it looked like it found the septic tank! Linda Campbell is the only hybrid Rugosa which performs with as few problems as possible in my experience. There can be a bit of blackspot on young, un established plants, but she quickly out grows it (unless you live in the fog belt) and flowers year round in large, brilliant clusters. She really IS Ralph Moore's masterpiece. Even he thought so. Lamarque is gorgeous here. I grow Mme Alfred Carriere at a client's home in Valencia and will replace it this year. There is just too much mildew and the prickles are too sharp and numerous for anything I have to be so up close and personal with. Unless the area is huge, so you can have the too large plant required to provide the flower quantity you desire, I would put her on the second or third choice list. Reve d'Or is gorgeous when established. Duchesse d'Auerstadt (again, once established) is gorgeous. Cl. Maman Cochet can't be beaten. Mons. Tillier, General Schablikine, Rosette Delizy are all beautiful flowers with decent plants under them. Unless budded, they will require a few seasons to strut their stuff, but patience will be rewarded. Souv. de Pierre Notting, William R. Smith and the bush of Maman Cochet are very nice. The first two were the most disease free Teas we ever grew at The Outdoor Room in Pacific Palisades, two blocks from the surf at Gladstone's. Social Climber has proven itself to be a tremendous, smaller climber in the SCV and here in my experience. It flowers all the time and is very disease resistant in no spray gardens. It remains inbounds and flowers repeatedly, particularly if dead headed. I have it in a large pot on a client's patio, growing up in to her patio cover in Old Newhall and on iron fencing in Stevenson Ranch. At the beach, it was flawless as canned, staked plants. Now for the "advertisement", if you want a climber which flowers all the time, is totally prickle free, highly scented and a true joy to work with, my Annie Laurie McDowell (available from Burlington Roses) is one I am very proud of. Like a number of roses, she will climb faster if started in a can of good potting soil and disbudded until she produces the root system and structure required to be the size of plant desired. Otherwise, she will spend a long time just blooming. Her foliage is the "peach tree type", resembling that of Kathleen and Grandmother's Hat. She flowers toward the cane ends, at many of the leaf axils like Hybrid Musks. The buds are plump and "fuzzy" and the flowers are very double, about the same color pink as Grandmother's Hat and very sweetly scented. This is a plant I gave a client in Old Orchard in Valencia. http://www.helpmefind.com/rose/l.php?l=21.148224 No, I receive nothing for sales of the plant other than the satisfaction and enjoyment of hearing others report of their pleasure growing it. Pruning her is a joy as she does NOT bite! I put her where she is deliberately as the homeowner likes to sit there, enjoying his evening cigar and tossing the ball for his enormous Golden Retriever. She is the garden lover; he loves her so the garden is tolerated. I explained to him what the rose was and why I placed it where it is...so he would be shaded from the hotter sun in the late afternoons, with fragrance and never any blood letting and now he loves the rose. Annie Laurie was a very dear friend, who, with her husband, introduced me to volunteering at The Huntington 25+ years ago. You should also take a look at Portland from Glendora. I grew it for 18 years in the SCV and friends there still have it. A very nice "Portland" type flower. Jacques Cartier is one I use all the time to fill space, provide continuous flowers and fragrance. Comte de Chambord is another good one where there is warmth without nightly drenching of fog/dew. If Mermaid is off your list, take a look at Golden Wings, and/or Little Mermaid. The former has large, Mermaid like flowers on a much smaller plant and flowers spring through fall. The other is the dwarf root sport of Mermaid, introduced by Sequoia. It's a MUCH better choice than Happenstance as it has none of the die back Happenstance is infamous for. It flowers all the time, also, and is diminutive in all respects, other than eventual plant size as it can make a large mass with time and little to no pruning. Two "ramblers" which have done quite well for me are Paul Barden's Mel's Heritage and Purple Skyliner. I also have Perennial Blue, but it just doesn't flower here. Purple Skyliner flowered all summer last year, it's first year here. I love violet roses, so Blue For You came home and has pleased in every respect. Rhapsody in Blue is pretty, but shuts down in the heat. Blue For You also remains shorter and bushier, flowering all the time for me. Because they were selected in a climate similar to what you're going to be growing roses in, I may also offer more of my own "offspring", Lynnie (named for my favorite Aunt); Too Cute and Little Butterfly. Not traditional HT types, for sure, but each has been reported very hardy, healthy and floriferous in a wide range of environments. I don't know if they're still there, but a few years ago, I sold plants of Mutabilis, various Salvias (including Madrensis) and three bushes of Little Butterfly to the garden designer who planted the area outside the Rose Window at St. Monica's Catholic Church in Santa Monica. She was to plant the Little Butterfly bushes under the Rose Window in the Church's new addition. One of these days, I have to get down there to take a look.

I've watched and read this thread with interest. My mother was the victim of horrible abuse as a very small child at the hands of her father. It was physical and emotional. The emotional abuse continued until he died. My mother left me with my grandparents as an infant and lived on the other side of the country until I was 9. As she wasn't around I was unaware of the acrimony between my mother and grandfather. When she came for a visit the battles began anew with me a pawn in their war. When she moved back to the town we lived in it was all out war most of the time. As I grew older and she lived near by, she began to abuse me. Some of it was subtle and cruel mental/emotional abuse some of it was her venting her fury on me physically with several awful beatings in my teens. Mostly I was aware that I was a symbol of unhappiness for her and she unconsciously wanted to destroy me. And my grandfather never abused me, he expressed affection in his grumpy way. My grandmother told me he felt sorry for me because my mother didn't love me. So that didn't help my relationship with my mother either as you can imagine. She had another child, my half sister. She pushed me away even more and attempted to have me sent away to a juvenile prison. She nearly succeeded. Fast forward. I am an adult with small children of my own. A year of therapy in my late 20s helped me resolve a lot of the painful and conflicted emotions about my mother. The damage exists, though, and still effects my relationships. Therapy and self examination help me to be more aware and conscious of my reactions. That doesn't always keep them from happening, however. I put on my big girl pants and make no excuses. One night when she was visiting and the kids were asleep, she started talking about my grandfather and told me the full tale of the vicious abuse she received and his alcoholism. She had an infant sister that died of leukemia. My grandfather turned his grief and anger on my mother who was three at the time. All news to me including the alcoholism. He was a teetotaler by the time I arrived. I sat there horrified and transfixed. That I knew nothing of this from my grandmother was no surprise as she didn't ever discuss unpleasant family events, ever. (I didn't even know about the infant who died until I stumbled on a family photo of two babies when I was 13 or so, one was obviously my mother, one was not but looked like family. I asked about that baby and my grandmother told me she had died.) How much was true? I will never know. I know my mother reinterprets events to suit her own needs. So I have to consider that. But she thinks it's true. Right then and there I forgave her all the pain I had suffered. Have I forgotten? No. And I keep both myself and my children shielded from her and have little but cursory and cordial contact. She plays obvious favorites with her grandchildren. My sister's kids get lots more attention and regular gifts. My kids understand that Nana J isn't a warm normal grandmother. But out of sight out of mind. Not perfect but not painful, either. I won't comment on your relationships, Tricia, as all families are unique. I'm simply sharing my own story of the multi-generational ripple effects of familial abuse.

I realize I'm very late and the OP has probably already made a decision. If she continued the affair we'll not likely find out what that decision was... She probably won't be back here. But here goes anyways.... Happy24-7 Emotional affairs are not made up, they are real. I was not in a relationship, but my friend�s girl fell for me and I fell for her pretty hard. At first it was purely emotional, but the connection was strong. A friend of mine also had this experience. A woman at work would compliment him all the time, tell him how creative, smart, etc he was. That�s huge to a man, men love the ego stroke, especially because women don�t dole out compliments all too often. His wife discovered this emotional affair, which is what it was, before it got to sex, but it was definitely moving that way. Luckily it didn�t get there. You�ll probably make all sorts of justifications and tell yourself that it�s ok, and that whatever activity you�re doing with him is purely work related. But just being close to someone you have such strong feelings for can lead to disaster. Eventually, it will lead to kissing, and after that, you probably won�t be able to turn back. You�ll tell yourself your happy marriage is over, and that you may as well throw it completely away and engage in coitus with this man. If you care anything for your hubby, back off, sever all ties with this man. IT�S NOT SAFE, NO MATTER WHAT YOU MAY THINK. You�re interested in this guy and that is dangerous. Remember, these amazing feelings you have for him aren�t forever, and will fade within several years. What then? You would have thrown away a great marriage and happy life for nothing. I also tend to agree with readinglady that an emotional affair is more serious. You don�t know how to tell him to stop calling? You have to tell him, but don�t tell him in person, and if you can, avoid telling him you�re having feelings for him. If he�s into you too, that will just fan the flames. If you�re telling him in person, he may decide to win you over with a spontaneous kiss, and there it all goes� I�d write a letter explaining how you feel, maybe that it�s inappropriate or something. Seems cold, but it might be the best way to keep your marriage intact. "The idea is just a symptom of the lack of intimacy in your own marriage. Do you think this could be the case ?" Seems like it could be, but that�s happening in my marriage and a discussion about our issues has made me realize what was missing. Now I�m trying to bring the intimacy back. "why do I fantasize about this other man and why do I behave like I do around him?" Because the grass is always greener, and good marriage or not, we always like someone crushing on us, it...

I think many things are happening at the same time. Yes , your SM does picture you the way you were at 18, pot smoking etc.etc.. Over the years of you 'fixing' yourself, she didn't see this improvement so off the bat she will be defensive of you returning into her life. BUT it also sounds to me, that she did have pent up frustration over he years, maybe at you, maybe at your dad and its all surfacing now. I dont believe you are bad, that you did anything wrong. I think the JR has fixed view of you when you were in your 'bad' time and sees no change. PLUS she maybe going through her own issues now..you nver know maybe she is depressed or going throuhg menal pause. or having marital problems with you dad that you are unaware of. BUt its obvious her anger has focuses on you and your daughter. I also had a 'evil ' stepmother wheni was young after my mother died. The second SM was great. Just like JR. Friendly like a school teacher and friend. I'm friends with her too. BUT i also went through a bad stage in my life and also had a falling out with my sm. There was a 7 year lapse between my sm, dad and me. I didn't call and if i did they would be angry and hate me...etc... It took a few years for both sides to rekindle a relationship and alot of coffee talk etc... So do not be discouraged with your SM. I think she feels resentful about your daughter because you were with a man who was violent and in most cases woman choose to end their pregnancy because of that. Were you on drugs during that time as well? did your sm or family know this? She is fixed on your past, she needs to see and hear all the good stuff , all the change you have made. In the end, ifyou truly value you relationship with her, i think baby steps are in order, the way i did with my SM. I liked my sm alot. I was hurt to tears for many years by her when she turned around and also said hurtful things like you are going through. Though i never did drugs i was a loner and aggressive etc..etc..Misunderstandings did occcur between me and her and as i said it tooks years to rekindle a relationship. My advice to you is to not let this consume you. i think speaking to both your dad and her will help. Sure, you had a kids she doens't agree with , its wont make your daughter disappear. She is a woman has to accept that but you daughter should not be punished for your 'poor' judgement. i think that is very important for you to convey this to JR. Basically saying, yes i F up in the past, but my daugther should not be crucified for my wrong doings and solo parenting. Maybe you sm does have an issue being called grandma...dont knw..But you both need a break from one another and you both need to take baby step to rekindle a relationship, IF that is what you want. You could also cut her off....but are you will to also cut your brothers off...and your daughter from her grandfather? You cannot force JR to love your daughter. That is her own issue here. BUT dont expose your daughter unsupervised anymore there if she shows little concern for her either. Visit as a family but for the meantime, dont leave your daughter for those one day breaks for yourself. Depend on someone else now until things can be resolved. And nivea, i know how you feel about father's lack of involvment...my father first marriage with 1st sm was very much like that....marry a woman to 'raise ' me but he had no concern of me...And we had a family meeting and he admitted that he married to have someone for his kids. We told him our mother is long gone and he should marry someone for himself. So..second marriage was MUCH better....i've had my ups and downs with her but now having my own family i see i have more respect and understanding with her position and we've rekindled a friendship.