Grandparents Won't Respect Our Rules
tlescak
21 years ago
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aileen
21 years agolindac
21 years agoRelated Discussions
Update to Grandparents Won't Respect...and Grandparents Dogs!
Comments (3)Boy, do I know what you're going thru. I have two children to a previous marriage, my first husband was killed. I remarried a few years later to a wonderful man that loves my two kids, and three years ago, we had a child of our own. Our daughter was born with Down Syndrome. She is beautiful and healthy. My husbands parents didn't react so well when they found our she was downs. They treated her like a sick child, they told people she had "a touch of Down Syndrome". Well, to make a long story short, we told them that we didn't want her treated differently than the other gkids. She is healthy and wonderful, and she need to be treated that way. They were angry and didn't speak to us for 8 mos. That was almost two years ago, and still to this day Alison isn't attached to her grandparents. We visit pretty often, but it is almost like they missed the bonding time when she was a baby and Alison knows it. I really hope that your mother realizes that building loving relationships with her family is too important to throw away on a stupid power struggle. If not, she will miss out on so much that can never be returned to her. I understand your frustration, but you can't make her resolve these differences. She made this decision to be angry, and she has to make the decision to get glad! You need to not be so hard on yourself. She's a grown woman with a mind of her own. Maybe you both just need a little distance right now....See MoreHelp, GrandParents! Am I wrong as a Parent?
Comments (4)My children are older now, not babies or children, but I had the same ideas as you when they were little - limited tv, limits on sugary snacks and sweet drinks, breast feeding, etc. And, like you, my mom laughed or ignored some of them. Fast forward 20 years later, my mom appreciates the way I raised my children and she understands now why I made the choices I did. I am very, very glad I had the rules I did when my kids were young - I was right and I'm glad I held my ground. None of your choices sound extreme to me - limiting sugary snacks, limiting t.v., wanting a schedule and more time just the 3 of you, no trip to the beach at 4 months old - those are all reasonable choices. Cheri is right, your parenting ideas will change as your daughter grows. And she is right, your parents have things to contribute as grandparents. But that doesn't mean that you have to raise your children according to your parents' priorities and wishes. However, keep in mind a few things - whenever you talk about the way you want to raise your kids differently - many grandparents would see that as a criticism of how they raised you, their own child. Before you phrase things, think about how they might come across to your parents as implying that their methods were lacking. Also, be sure and make it a point to mention to your parents what they did right. My mom and I have different ideas about television, putting coke in baby bottles, etc., but my mom is also the person who taught me that when things look hopeless you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and work as hard as you can to change things. That is a gift she gave me infinitely more precious than riches or even education. Be sure and tell your parents what things they taught you that you will pass on to your children. Another suggestion that worked for us is that I told my mom that my husband wanted those rules. My mom simply ignored my rules if they were my rules, but she thinks my husband hung the moon and should have whatever he wants, so she (sometimes) listened if she thought it was my husband's wish. She did whatever she dang well pleased if it was just something I wanted. If my mom was particularly stubborn, my husband told her himself that he wanted it that way. Another thing that works well (with grandparents and babies) is to redirect. If your mom wants to take the baby somewhere, tell her no, now is not a good time, but this weekend would be great, how about then. Or if she wants to give the baby icing, tell her no, but baby loves sweet potatoes, why don't you give her that. Grandparents love to see "firsts" - first bite of chocolate, first time at the beach. Tell your parents, no, you can't take her to the beach this year, but when she's 2 you can take her and be there for her first time. You are being more than reasonable to limit tv, unhealthy snacks, limit visits to less frequently than daily or every other day, and set the expectation of higher education for your children early. Your mother is right, your daughter will express preferences of her own one day in education, food, hobbies, etc. That is still no reason not to set your standards high. If you are raising your daughter significantly different than the way you were raised, it will take years for your parents to change their minds. But when they see your daughter as a teenager, healthy and maintaining a healthy weight, doing well in school, winning awards and doing whatever extracurriculars (sports, violin, girl scouts, dance, whatever rings her bell), trust me, your parents will tell you you did your job well. I want to address something else cheri mentioned - her daughter's desire to use organic food, use cloth diapers, read to her children daily (I heartily endorse the part about reading to your children daily, by the way). The drive to be the best mom she could possibly be was strong in cheri's daughter, and even if her daughter changed her ways, she still probably has a strong drive to do her best. That drive should be honored, respected, and as much as reasonable should be indulged by grandparents. The realities of life will knock some practicality into the heads of young parents - let them have their dreams and give it their best shot. When my oldest was a baby my mother-in-law told me this, "In every young mother's life there comes a time when she has to look at her mother and say, 'Mother, you raised your kids the way you wanted, now it's my turn to raise my kids the way I want'." Be loving, be kind, include and affirm the grandparents, and let the grandparents have their way when it isn't important to you. But stand your ground with kindness on the things that matter. Everything you're asking for is reasonable and healthy for your child....See MoreAdult step-daughter won't leave!
Comments (7)There're 3 unreasonable & obnoxious things going on here, & 1 of them is downright scary. #1: Your house rules say that once a child moves out, that child has well & truly moved out. However, the rule is being applied to only one. Yours. #2 You missed an opportunity to stand up to him when he ran your daughter off. (Can you imagine how your daughter feels?) #3 Your husband ran *your* daughter off, & now you're taking a back seat to *his* daughter & whatever she dishes out, & your husband is mad at you for being unhappy about it *& he isn't backing you up, & he isn't listening to you, & he is not acting like a partner*. The first thing an abuser does is isolate a victim from family & friends. You no longer have your own daughter living with you, & you're under the control of this man & his daughter. Your husband is the only one who can change things, & he's happy with everything but your "complaints". Women believe words, & men believe actions. If the situation is intolerable, you have to make it *his* problem rather than just objecting, no matter how well-founded your objections are. I my own self would change the locks & file for divorce, but I don't know your financial situation. If you cannot bring yourself to do that, you might just disengage- no meals, no laundry, no cleaning, no keeping either of them company. leave the house every week-end. I wish you the best....See MoreDecorative Gun Case - DH Won't Lock Up Guns!!
Comments (43)One more comment. Many gun death accidents happen with *unloaded guns* So even keeping ammo in a separate location from the gun in not foolproof, because all it takes is for one time to *think* the gun is not loaded when it is. My Dad was a gunsmith growing up. We were taught all the gun safety. On the way back from a Utah deer hunting trip (from So CA) all five of us kids in the back of the van and my parents up front. My oldest brother was carrying in one rifle into the house and blew a hole in the living room ceiling through the roof with the *unloaded* rifle that had traveled home from Utah to So CA in the back of the van. Another incident. Guns were locked up. My twin brothers were crazy anyways as in always doing stuff they shouldn't. One time after school I remember seeing my brothers in the utility room Showing one of their friends some handguns or one handgun. They were handling it. I think they were talking about shooting it in the backyard (can't remember exactly) but I was SCARED. All us kids KNEW not to touch or break into the guns. Period. It was drilled into us. Ummmm teens (boys or girls) have hormones raging through them, curiousity.. they Cannot see the danger as they have immature brains. That is all there is to it! Lets see .. one boy in our neighborhood lost his eye to a BB gun. ANY way to rationalize it and try to make a clear argument there is no excuse for locking away guns. I KNOW it defeats the purpose to have a gun for personal protection if you can't reach it quickly AND it be loaded .. but there is no easy answer! Thought I would share my stories...See Moreaileen
21 years agotlescak
21 years agoPaula_W
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21 years agomississaugamom
21 years agomariend
21 years ago
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