Grandparents angry at Mom, suggestions?

17 years ago

I feel very badly for my mother at the moment, and my grandparents.

Tell me honestly what you all think is really going on here.

My mother is very lucky to have both her parents alive, fairly healthy, and less than 20 minutes away. They both are still independent, live in the house they have always had, and both can still drive. They have been retired for some years and are in their mid-late 70's. They also have two sons in addition to my mother; one out of state who visits twice a year and another who lives closeby, but they rarely see him.

My mother is the type who strives to please everyone. She works fulltime teaching highschool (where there is much afterhours work as well), and my father works hard also to make ends meet. She takes care of 4 children, acts as housewife, cooks all meals and supervises everything on the farm, and barely has time for much else. BUT, she sees her parents several times a week, does her mother's hair, visits with them, and every weekend we have them for a barbeque, or in winter, Sunday dinner. Us "kids" are always around with the grandparents when they are over instead of off doing their own thing. We have been on several legnthy vacations with them in their RV, which they store here, with us of course paying for the vast majority of it. We see them FAR more than my father's parents, who are luckily also still around.We dearly enjoy spending time with family, thus the reason why the following doesn't make sense.

My parents and us kids recently returned from a much-needed week's vacation. A few days after our return, my mother was running errands, and apparently her parents were out and about and called the house to stop by. My ill sister answered, saying mom should be back in a bit, and that they were welcome to come by. My grandmother began making statements like "Oh I see, she's avoiding us again!" When mom returned, she called to see what that was about, and asked them to come for coffe or vice versa, when Grandma began yelling at her, saying things like Mom neglects them, only does things out of obligation, and is avoiding them. Grandma said "we are NOT close anymore, I dont know if we will ever be...good daughters do this and that..." It ended up being an aweful argument, my grandma was putting her on a giant guilt trip, and grandpa was supporting it. My mom was FLOORED, crying throughout the night. She tries so hard to please them, and really enjoys her parents for the most part. We cannot figure out what prompted this behavior......

We think maybe my grandma sees her elder, ailing sister who has a terrible husband and no children ending up alone, and maybe she panicked? Grandma never worked so maybe she doesnt get Mom's position? Or maybe, since they recently began slowing down a lot, they realize that my Mom is their only child who will care for them when they are no longer independent, and they are afraid of losing her attention? Any suggestions?

We have told them again and again that whatever they need, we are here, and we act on it too. They will never go into assisted living if they dont want to, etc., and its not like we are doing things out of obligation, waiting around for some inheritance or something (there wont BE any).

Mom is going to wait a few days before going over there, because everyone needs to cool down a bit.

But what do you think the problem is? Has this ever happened to you?

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