Return to the Grandparents Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
Uninterested Grandparents

Posted by Jensor04 (jensor04@aol.com) on
Fri, Jun 24, 05 at 10:53

I need some advice! My husband's parents are local and they only see our children very little, maybe once a month or so, and my parents on the other hand see my children all the time! My children are 4 years old and 5 months old and I dont understand why they never want to see them! Also they never even call to see how the children are doing and I feel that they dont really care about my children and I want to go to them about this but dont really know how! Most grandparents always want to see there grandchildren and I get lucky if they even call to check on them. I need advice please!


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Did his parents keep regular contact with their son and you before you had children? My children have the same kind of Grandma. She sees them only occasionally, but none the less, I know she loves the children. She's just the type of person that has always kept to herself. She will help out when needed, but we usually have to ask. Maybe your hubby's parents are like her. Do his parents remember the children's b-days and other special occasions? Are your children the only grandkids?


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I was saw a lot of our grandchildren when they were young. I initiated seeking the family out as a whole, not just to see the grandchildren. When the Gkids got older they initiated the contact with us, because we have a fun environment for them. I did not baby sit except for emergencies, because we had 9 grandchildren from three families living near us. I did not want to spend the next 10 years raising them, I wanted to run around with my husband.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I've lurked here off and on, my first grandchild is due in 12 weeks, and I can't wait!

Just leave your in-laws alone, they will not change and nothing you say will make any difference to them. They probably weren't great parents, either. Be cordial, keep them up to date on the kids, through phone calls, email, whatever, but don't expect any response. Set your expectations low and you won't be disappointed. They will have to live with the consequences.

My ex mother-in-law declared that she was too young to be a grandmother when we told her we were expecting our first child 28 years ago, and it turns out, she meant it. (She was a terrible mother, too) She spent very little time with our children, and I'm glad. She is not a pleasant person to be around, and spending time with here was difficult for all of us. To this day, the kids don't like her, and now that she's moved far, far away - out of sight, out of mind! My XFIL popped up every now and then for a few hours, be we never let him take the kids anywhere, he drank!

My parents, on the other hand, were wonderful grandparents, and we all miss them terribly. My father's mother was the same, a wonderful grandmother to me. I had great role models, and I hope I can do as well.

Enjoy your kids, and let them bask in the love your parents give them. Don't worry about the other side of the family, there's too many more important things to do.

Good luck.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Mom, I can see the other side of the coin. I had two children and that was all I wanted. I really enjoyed them, never frustrated because a baby cried, only worried about why he was crying. We did family things as they grew up, camping, hiking, church,etc.. I see grandmother's caring for the GKids and they are so wrapped up in them, their relationship with their husband deteriorates. I chose to be with my husband over cuddling babys, which was a sacrifice, but dirty diapers and crying babies I didn't want, been there done that. I wanted adult companionship. And I was a good mother, but I didn't want to take care of babies while their parents went on carefree vacations, dinner and dancing or whatever. It was my turn to do those things with my husband.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I don't see grandparenting as all or nothing, I think most of us fall/will fall somewhere along the grandparenting continuum.

My parents were wonderful grandparents, but they had a good balance, their priorty was taking care of themselves and doing what interested them. They didn't babysit very often, they only watched the kids once when we went away, no carefree vacations, dinner or dancing for us. If we needed a babysitter, we hired one. We got together alot, for lunch or dinner or just a visit, since we lived close by, and they only had 4 grandchildren. And when they were with their grandchildren, they were such loving grandparents, doing all the things grandparents do to spoil them. My kids have wonderful memories of them.

My XMIL, on the other hand, made no effort to see the kids, would call at the last minute to cancel a visit because something else came up, rarely invited us over for a visit, and on the few occasions we did visit, she lurked like a vulture over the kids, scolding them if they moved. She rarely gave them birthday or Christmas cards, much less gifts. Yet she boasted about all the time and money she spent on the pastor's kids, at her church. She is, of course, is a "fine christian woman," or so she says. My kids think she's a bad joke.

I think we all have to find what works for us, but if grandparents aren't interested, I doubt there is anything that will change that behavior. And remember Time wounds all heels says Ann Landers, or was that Dear Abby?


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Hope you don't mind me snooping! i am not a grandparent (kids are 17 and 22!), but i have the momj's mil. gifts consist of gifts from the dollar store, but she expects designer gifts. her son my dh is very ill, double amputee, has had 7 heart attacks this past year, cannot have surgery, because he won't make it. she reminds us that she is having a bd, but doesn't remember our kids. my sil has 2 adopted children (which is nice, don't get me wrong), but these kids are her pride and joy. my kids hate this woman (i also know too strong of a word), she babysat and charged us 5.00 per hour so this happened only once, didn't go to any special things the kids were in. the threat here is -- wanna go see gramma, they reply what did we do wrong? this woman lives 3 blocks away from us, lives by herself, doesn't have any friends, so that is not the issue. so Folks, out there, i envy you all who enjoy your grandchildren. when i become a grandparent, i know just how i want to act and be~ So go out there and hug your little or not so little ones!


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I am in a similar situation with one set of my children's grandparents. I find their disinterest in our children absolutely hurtful and unnecessary since they live locally. I have decided to spare my children's feelings by cutting them out of our lives (although they haven't seemed to notice!!) completely. Although the kids are young now (a toddler and a baby), one day they will figure out that their grandparents are too selfish and self-involved in their own lives, to give them their time or love. I want to protect them from knowing that ugly truth. Truly, it is their loss as the children are such a joy to be with, and their childhood is passing quickly. Luckily, their other grandparents visit often and truly enjoy spending time with them when they can. I don't blame you a bit for the way you feel towards them - they are selfish and really, anyone who doesen't enjoy their own grandkids doesn't deserve to see them anyway.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

WOW!!!!! I feel a lot better now!!!!! My kids are wonderful (both) and are 10 and 8. They are in competitive activities and the grandparents complain that it is a waste of money. They have other grandchildren and seem to love the ones more that need things and money all of the time. We never ask for a dime, just their time and attention. They resent that we spend so much time and money on our kids. The inlaws used to watch them off and on, but as our kids got older they got bored with going over there. They are too old to sit around watching cartoons and playing with baby toys! My mother watched them maybe twice, but doesn't really care. Neither calls to see how they are. It seems like they are getting old and selfish. I hope someone slaps me good and hard if I ever start being that way!!!!!!!!!


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Here's another view. How often do you call them and ask them to join you for dinner or just come over for a visit?

As a new grandmother, I have a similar situation where I only see the GD every 4-6 weeks, but it's not by choice. The DIL's family seems to always come first (which I can understand) and like me, your MIL may find it difficult to schedule a time where she can spend one-on-one time with the grandkids without someone else over there.
Maybe this is not the case with your MIL, but it's worth considering.

If she's never invited she could be thinking you don't want her over there, so I would call and ask your MIL if she'd like you to bring the kids over or invite the inlaws for a 'private' visit . Maybe even ask if they want to watch them while you run an errand. If they're not interested after such an offer, then they may not be interested in babysitting!


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I am sure all young mothers remember their grandmothers lovingly. Usually they didn't work. Today's grandmothers and fathers possibly have different problems--lots more are still working and others are worrying about their savings and money issues. I still work full time in a difficult profession as does my husband. We still do make time for the grandchildren but we have 7 of them. I was just asked if I would take care of a 6 month old and a 7 year old for a weekend so the parents could get away. I am happy to do it, and made arrangements. But I don't think I would be able to do that another whole weekend in the same month by another family member. There's only so much energy you have at my age and I need weekends to get laundry, etc. done.
Every grandparent has different things they like to do. I personally like having a grandchild overnite or for a whole day when we can take them to the zoo, park, etc. Others want to go out to lunch with the grandchild and the parents, and thats all. I think you need to find out what they want to do and what they don't like. Some people like to do family pot lucks or camping. Personally I hope I don't have to watch another soccer game in this lifetime.
I think its important to realize that your birthfamily likes to interrelate in a certain way. The other family is different. Its nice if grandparents like to babysit or take the kids out. But thats their choice. My in laws didn't want to babysit at all. That didn't mean they were bad parents. They enjoyed square dancing, but they didn't insist we go and watch.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

This one really hit home with me!!! My daughter has told me i was disinterested in my grandkids and do not know them and has cut ties with me.
I have babysit my grandkids occasionally and during emergencies, and i truly love them. As far as wanting to babysit for hours at a time or when they go on vacations i do not. My daughter is a stay at home mom. If she worked or needed to i would be glad to pitch in.
Ive raised 5 children of my own and still have a 14 year old at home.
My daughters children to not mind me very well and i find i no longer have the patience of job.
Also i do like the time me and my husband get to spend alone now ive really been looking forward to it all these years.
My daughter says iam selfish and a bad grandma but i feel ive spent the last 25 years being unselfish what is wrong with wanting a little freedom now?
I would love it if she would invite us over or bring the kids over for no particular reason and all of them visit.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

My situation is entirely different after the babies became children, it was their desire to come to out house. They loved our home because Grandpa and I would talk to them, give them one on one attention, played Nintendo with them and had lots of new garage sale toys every visit.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

At the time our daughter was born in Missouri, my husband was 44 & I was 40 so we weren't spring chickens. We've struggled with my parents (both age 63, living in Georgia when our daughter was born) & their lack of interest by never calling to talk to her about school or activities she's involved in at church or school. When they do come to visit (this last May was the first time in 20 months), they stay in their RV (30 min. away which we can respect for rest, our lack of extra room, etc) yet out of 11 days they spent in our town, they were with my husband, daughter & myself for a total of 14 hours. Our daughter spent time walking with her Grandpa during one of our visits to their RV but her Grandma didn't spend any one-on-one time with her. Our daughter wanted to spend the night with them & help do things for her Grandma, yet she never ended up being invited for even one night.
They were grandparents to my husband's two older daughters long before our daughter we had together was born. They were interested in the girls the first 2-3 years after we were married then they (mostly my mother) focused more on children of their younger friends in their hometown in Georgia.
Both of my husband's daughters have children of their own which are my parents' great-grandchildren yet still no interest by my parents.
The last Christmas we spent with my parents was 7 years ago when we went there & our daughter was two years old. We were set to go to their home in Georgia again the next year during the week after Christmas. We took my husband's youngest daughter back home to Arkansas after her Christmas visitation & planned to leave from there for Georgia on Dec. 26. A friend of my mother emailed me on Dec. 17 to tell me my parents changed plans & were going to Texas for Christmas & New Years to see my mother's sister & family. Neither of my parents had the guts to call & tell me this change in plans. This year, I found out by a Facebook message that was posted on my Dad's wall they were going to visit this same friend & her family with their RV (over 1,000 mile trip one-way). Neither of them bothered to call us or our daughter on Christmas Day, yesterday, just sent a cell fon text message. After a lot of praying & talking with my husband, I sent an email to my father & told him that after expressing my feelings about our odd family relationship more than once with Mom over the last 6 years that we won't be making any further effort. They're the ones missing out! God & time will help heal us!


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Not knowing the real circumstances of your situation I am not able to say why it is the way it is. Below is how it works for us and our grandchildren.

Our daughter lives one mile from us and I do not just drop in for a chat or to see the grandchildren. Every adult child needs to lead their own lives without grandparents popping in all the time.

I have chosen to give my daughter/family "space" to live their own lives. We have 5 children and only one lives in the same city we do.

My daughter is the bread winner and son-in-law a stay at home dad. His mother is there often during the day and that is fine. I did not feel comfortable going over with only son-in-law there, he is not the social kind of person.

We do go to visit when invited and I do drop things off at the door, say high/bye. Our daughter invites us for dinner occasionally and always on birthdays, Mother's Day, etc. We take our daughter and 4 children to the resturant after church every Sunday (s-i-l is welcome too). We also have "sewing day" at our house one day a week after school from about 3:30 to 8:00 p.m. No, we do not always sew, they eat, do home work, play, or we do something they are interested in. Grandpa has done woodworking with them at times, I teach them sewing, etc. We also babysit occasionally when daughter wants to go to a movie, months between times. She does not take advantage of us.

In the past we had family get together once a month at our house with all children/grandchildren, Finally had to stop after grandchildren became involved in activities on weekends.

Our son has two children and lives 1 1/2 hrs from us. His children are involved in many activities. We tried going to their soccer games a few times, however, it was hard on us since the games were at 9:00 a.m., bleachers very uncomfortable for ailing back, folding chairs not that great either. The wind blew sand in our eyes constantly and I have blepharitis/dry eyes. We had to stop going. We go to special events, piano, ballet, gymnastics, horseback, and swimming. We simply cannot hold up to going every weekend to their activities. We need to live our life too and not all of our time devoted to going to granchildren activities.

Grandparents visits depends on the parents specifically inviting grandparents to come visit, making them feel welcome and comfortable, etc. Many grandparents have chosen what I have, let their adult children live their own lives without popping in on them all the time. Parents know when it is convenient to have visitors and when it is not, thus, let the grandparents know, extend an invitation.

Our local grandchildren miss out on our being at many of their functions because they do not bother to let us know when they are scheduled.

We also have two grandsons living in another state, nearest airport is 1 1/2 hrs. away, so, we drive. Visiting them is difficult due to forest fires, control forest burns that cause us extreme respiratory illness. One time we thought we had the flu only to clear up as soon as we were out of range of the smoke. I do not fare well at high altitude. In the winter snow storms and closing of highways make car travel difficult. The summer is the best time to go, however, last summer I was recovering from shoulder surgery, in therapy and could not attempt a 12 hr. trip.

Take a look at what you do or do not do and see if you see a pattern that may make the grandparents not feel all that welcome.

Remember that grandparents had their heyday of going to children activities all the time, they may not be up to doing the same for grandchildren, they are worn out!!

Hope this is of some value, it is the path I have chosen.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Krissie,
You make a lot of excuses as to why you cannot visit! From high altitude, to forrest fires. Come on! I can see why your children don't bother to let you know about events, something would probably be too uncomfortable for you, so why bother? I am sorry but family is the most important, even if I am old and worn out, when I have grandchildren someone will have to force me away from them for me to stay away. My husbands parents are the same way you are...we don't bother to visit them much. We are happy with the life we have created and we don't give two craps about lazy grandparents who make every excuse in the book as to why they are busy. Hope you are having fun, because one day when you are old you will probably be sitting in a nursing home somewhere in your own poop, and YOUR children will be too irritated by "the long drive" or "low altitude" or "dust in the air" to come visit!


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I asked my retired parents to come and stay with us and help take care of their infant granddaughter while we wait for a spot in the day care center. She is a delight and a very good baby. My husband and I are alternating taking time off and using all of the leave time we can. We will both need to return to work when she is 8 months old. We have a three bedroom home and there is plenty of room.

My parents say they are too old to take care of the baby and they can't seem to imagine living with us either. My mom is 70 and my dad is a very active 82.

It hurts me a lot to know that they are not interested in caring for their granddaughter and I can't stop thinking about it. To make matters worse, friends and relatives always ask me if my parents are helping us and friends often tell me that the grandparents are helping with child care. When we do get the spot in day care, the cost will be $1122 per month and I don't even know how we will afford it.

I am a good cook and could help my parents have healthy delicious meals while they stay with us. Why don't they want to care for their granddaughter?

My mom did come to stay with us for a week after the baby was born. I had a c-section. She didn't change diapers and was most interested in getting her photo with the baby for her Facebook page.

What should I do?


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Sandra,

Have you considered staying home with your baby? Take a hard look at your finances. There are expenses associated with working, such as clothes and transportation, that you won't have as a stay-at-home-mom. How were you planning to cope before she was born? I don't know your particular situation, of course.

I don't blame your parents for not wanting to become live-in nannies. It has nothing to do with their love for their new granddaughter, or their love for you, either. They just recognize their limitations. My MIL used to say, "There's a reason G-d gave children to the young!"


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I don't blame them either. Your expectations of your parents, Sandra, are way out of line. I don't know of very many elderly couples who would willingly uproot themselves from their own lives and their own house to provide a grandchild with working parents with full-time childcare. Much as my DH and I love our grandson, I can't even begin to imagine doing that unless, of course, it was an unplanned emergency. IMHO, it's very unfair of you to hold that against them.

You and your husband need to figure out how to handle your situation yourself. After all, you had many months before the baby was born to think about it. I'm sure you'll be able to work out something on your own because, after all, that's what most people do.

Amanda - That was a very nasty post and completely uncalled for. How ironic that you, who aren't even a grandparent, are so willing to villify someone who is.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

My daughter is a stay at home mom and her husband works nights. She has a 2 year old and a 4year old. I work and my hubby is retired. She always calls us to her home, when her hubby has to work, so that she can get the help. She wants some free time, which I understand. But, when I tell her to come to my house, to drop off the kids, she wont do that. It is just at her home. When I go there, all I do is sit in the house. She wants her free time. She questions us as to why we dont praise her as a good mother. She is always asking me to baby sit. I work all week and I value my free time for errands, etc. When I told her Ill come over so we can take the kids out, she replied that she want time without the kids. These kids are close in age and are mildly special needs. My hubby has a bad leg, but she insists we go their. Never want to come to our house.
What do you suggest.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I work 40 plus hours per week and my husband 50 plus hours per week, we are both over 55...the only time I get to see my husband is usually after 9 at nite and he has off Sat evenings and Sundays...really getting a guilt trip from my daughter in law who wants me to baby sit on the weekends. It seems this is the only time they contact us and they use facebook and texting to communicate...I really dont want to give up the little time I have with my husband to babysit over nite on Friday/Sat when I have so little free time...and we are exhausted after taking two little ones overnite. I have been removed from her facebook wall access since I said no to babysitting the last couple of times she asked...they seen to always have time for her family and friends and going out but we dont ever get invited over and I dont get to see my grand children unless I want to babysit...I think this is unfair..I know life is unfair....am I over-reacting? Sad Grandma...


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

JUST SAY NO!

Wow - the apparent expectations of the young parents described on these pages is amazing. "It's all about me", it seems. Were they raised to always expect things to be done for them rather than to take responsbility for themselves? Or did they just suddenly become this way?


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

This past weekend it had been arranged that I would babysit for my grandson "for a while." I called to confirm and was told that actual babysitting needed to be from 7:00a.m. to about 3:00p.m. I told my DIL that I had a few things to do (I work full-time and am 61 years old) and that I would be delighted to babysit from lunchtime through the afternoon. She said that was fine, she would ask her mother to babysit in the morning.
Apparently, after she thought about it, she was unhappy with the fact that I had things to do (computer repair, etc) and she complained to my son - her feelings were hurt that I didn't love my grandson enough to want to spend every available moment with him. My son called me up, absolutely outraged - said many hateful, hurtful things (certainly not the first time) and told me he didn't care if I ever saw my grandchild again. Long story short, I wound up going to the other grandmother's house so I could see my grandson, and then later in the day, called my DIL for a long talk.
She said that it hurts her that I don't make the effort to see my grandson more (I see him at least twice a week), and that his grandfather (my exhusband) who lives several states away somes several times a month to see him - meaning he loves him more, and her parents babysit him daily. On and on it went - this is not the first time we have had this conversation, but she apparently wants more.
Sooooooooooo, my son and I aren't speaking, I feel very alienated from my DIL (even though I reached out to her BOTH times this issue has arisen), and although I adore my grandson, I can't seem to convince anyone that spending 8, 9, 10 hours alone with a 13 month old child, is VERY hard on someone with arthritis, blood clots, and other "old lady" stuff. My son told me I was "lazy."
What can I do? This looks like a no-win situation to me.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

My in laws shows a lack of interest and a lack of generosity towards my 4 month old boy. It is really hurtful and disappointing for me and also my husband. They are well-off but all my son has got from them is a book, a piece of clothing and a tiny soft toy. My in-laws live close by and they didn't bother to visit my son till after 3days of him being born. And when they finally came to see my son all my father in law wanted was just to see my brother in laws new bride. When i was pregnant, i was told that it was my fault my brother in law and his then fiance could not get the wedding date that they wanted because it was close to my due date. I'm just really sad for my son and often cry thinking about how disinterested my in laws are towards my son. When they do see my son, they are just terrible at handling him, really rough and just ignores my 4 month old boy. I really don't know what to do, neither does my husband. We are just glad and thankful that my parents and my family loves our son very much and would not go more than a day without seeing him. And my parents are just so caring, loving and gentle towards my son in comparison to my in laws. Just hope that my in laws will start caring.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Your expectations for grandparents seem to be showering the child with gifts and visiting him every day. That's very unrealistic and would actually be resented as "smothering" by many new parents. Small gifts and waiting until the child is all of three days old seem just fine to me and certainly nothing to cry about. Maybe you have post-partum depression?

You need to accept the fact that your baby is not the center of everyone's life. There should be room in an extended family for a new baby and a new bride without all this resentment. Even if you're right and your inlaws are more focused on their other son's affairs, this isn't something you're going to change overnight. The worst thing you could do now is to make an issue of it with them. That will only drive them farther away. A wise parent learns to accept her/his in-laws for what they are, with all their foibles, and gracefully accepts what they do have to offer.

And who knows? Maybe they'll became very attached to your son when he gets older. Believe it or not, a fair number of people (epecially men) just don't find babies overwhelmingly interesting. Don't put them on the defensive now. Instead, try to relax, enjoy your baby and just let these relationships develop over time.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I am 60 years old and I love my grandchildren with all my heart and I have raised one grandchild since the age of 2, he is 18 now and still lives with me. My other son has 3 children ages 10, 9, 5 and we live about 20 minutes away. I know I dont see them as much as I should and when I keep them overnight my son and DIL want me to keep all the children at once. I am on disability and I can hardly walk along with other problems but they dont understand when you just dont feel like babysitting anymore. I feel so guilty that I dont keep them but about once a month but they dont want to stay at grandmas they have to be going someplace every minute to Monkey Joes, get nails done, shopping, park etc. I take one at a time sometimes and when I return that child I pick up another and they want you to do this all the time.Please say something to make me not feel so guilty because I am also raising a parent with alzheimers


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

No reason to feel guity. Anyone dealing with a alzheimer parent is excused from devoting herself to her grandcildren.

The oldest two, at least, are getting beyond the age where just spending time with Grandma is good enough. Quite naturally, they have their own interests and want to go places. Their parents should be able to handle those chores without expecting you to be there to do them. It's really not fair of them to expect regular babysitting from you when you're that burdened with elder care.

You sound like a good grandma to me and I speak as a gradmother myself. It's your right to decide how much energy you have left for three active grandkids and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I think they don't realize how old one is getting. I told my children [we are now into great grandkids] that we raised them and volunteered to babysit and went to their games etc when visiting them and now it is their turn to do it. It's a little hardier when in late sevnties & 80 to sit in sun or cold etc. I don't do Holiday dinners anymore if they want it at our house they have to do the cooking etc. I said I am like their grandkids I could use the help @ times.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I read alot of circumstances here tonight. While everyones feelings are ligitimate to themselves, my opinion is that we sometimes just want more then others can give. Rather it be our spouse, parents or even friends. I read before that you have no control over other peoples actions~only yours. That has stuck with me cuz it is so true. My mother was not the best mom and is an absent grandmother due to drugs. Its heartbreaking but I choose to not let it get in the way of my childrens life. My spouses parents are sweet and would watch my kids if I brought them to their house. My mother in law stayed with me after our last two kids were born. They are 10 years apart lol. She cooked and did what she could but they do not even see them on a monthly basis let alone daily. Sometimes its hard and I would love a "break" but one day they will be grown and perhaps living in another state...who knows what the future brings. I will have all the breaks I need. Till then I will enjoy watching them grow. Good luck everyone.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I think people are entirely too worried about who calls first and wear their feelings on their shoulders. Mothers...if you need a babysitter, hire one. Grandmothers...No one is asking you to raise their kids just because you keep your grandkids every once in a while to give Mom and Dad a break. When parents have breaks from their children, it makes them better parents. Just because you didn't get any nights out when you had your kids (which I suspect is not true) doesn't mean that your children do not deserve better. Grandparents...if you want your grandkids to care when you die, you better be close to them. Sounds harsh, I know, but that is the way it is.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

In my case it was a case of raising my grand children. Nine grandchildren from 3 sets of parents and none wanted to leave their children with strangers. I was the only non working grandmother so I was expected to keep them 8 or 9 hours a day? I call that raising them. I got a job.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

It could simply be a case of one of the grandparents not being able to drive so relies on their tired spouse, or perhaps it's just that they are currently worrying about and spending a lot of their time nursing one or more of their own elderly parents, taking them to continual medical appointments is truly draining. or perhaps they might have secret health problems of their own or mabe they just feel their son needs some family alone time with you and the kids as they mistakenly feel his in-laws and friends seem to always be there. I'm sure there is no intentional disinterest intended by them, get your husband to have a personal chat with them to see how their health and circumstances are.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Some of these posts are so old; most of the kids in question are probably already grown up. Fact is; PARENTS are what count - in a child�s life. And that is what this is really about, unresolved child / parent issues. Parents tend to use Grandchildren to manipulate and play (Daddy/Mommy issue) head games. There is a bonding that occurs between a child and a grandparent, that can�t just be turned on and off - like a light switch. Kids are people too, and a parent can withdraw a G-child or G-Parent - at whim. G -Parenting is entirely dependant on the Childs parent/s expectations. Grandparents are a GIFT that Parent/s gives to their child/ren. Are you being realistic in your expectations? Many older people tend to suffer from depression, low energy, are on a fixed income, may suffer from an illness, and may not be able to financially, physically or emotionally keep up with your expectations, and demands. What about the other G-Parents, are they interfering, bribing you into favoring them over the other, or being financially competitive with the child/ren? Does one G-Parent show up with a new toy or slick electronic gadget each time they visit? Bribery has a huge impact on young children, as well as grown adult children. How will the G-parent on a fixed income feel when the kids (and parents) prefer the wealthier G-Parent, over the poor ones? Gadgets, gifts and money, over a box of crayons, and a coloring book - really? Why not discuss the problem, and take the manipulation, and pressure out of G-parenting, and put the fun back into it.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Seems like you are extremely paranoid musen. I am in the same situation. My wifes mom is great. Calls almost daily and wants to see her grandkids as often as possible. She works in a factory and has almost no money. She also has health problems. My parents on the other hand are millionares and seem like they don't want anything to do with my kids. They see their other grandchildren all the time. It is kind of sad for my kids being the "outcast grandchildren" on my side of the family.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Seems like you are extremely paranoid musen. I am in the same situation. My wifes mom is great. Calls almost daily and wants to see her grandkids as often as possible. She works in a factory and has almost no money. She also has health problems. My parents on the other hand are millionares and seem like they don't want anything to do with my kids. They see their other grandchildren all the time. It is kind of sad for my kids being the "outcast grandchildren" on my side of the family.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

This forum has helped me so much. My inlaws live 90 minutes away and never come see any of their three grandkids sporting events. They maybe call once a year to see how they are doing. They then expect us to come to family get togethers and pressure or guilt us when we don't. I have decided to quit being hurt and realize this will be on them in the long run when they are older and the kids do not want to be around them because they don't feel close to them. They only have 5 grandchildren and the other two who live close they wouldn't see them unless they were dropped off. It's unthinkable a grandparent would be so selfish. My MIL will drive 90 minutes to get her hair cut or colored. She is also making a 5 hour trip to visit her niece and her kids. It's a great life lesson in what not to do to my kids when they have kids!!


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I'm not happy to hear that others experience this odd behavior but atleast I know that I'm not alone. It is very hurtful to experience this. I have two young, well behaved, wonderful boys. My Mom passed away when I was young and my Dad is in his 80's. My MIL seemed wonderful, almost like a 2nd Mom to me from the start. She seemed so loving and positive. When her 1st grandson was born in the family, she and her husband always had him, taking him places. They watched him all of the time and couldn't get enough of him. They even bought him clothing and planned out stuff before he was born. I felt blessed to know that my children will have very active grandparents in their lives when I have children.

Well, I had my 1st son and that was it. Hardly seen my in laws who only live 15 minutes away. No calls, nothing, nothing, nothing on all levels. I offered to bring the baby over to visit. No, "We're just so, so busy" is what I was told. My husband and I were very puzzled because his parents are complete opposite with their other grandchild. Trust me, we did self evaluation, did we do something? Are we not doing something? What is it? What happened? I guess it wouldn't be so puzzling if their behavior with their other grandson was the same but it's not.

Every other month she would have to drive by my house and stop in enroute to a doctors appointment (always before the appt. so she had a reason to leave fast and always called last minute). She would snap tons of pictures of my son and her holding him and that's it. I would make sure I would let her come over and was happy for any tibit of time she threw at us. I started to feel like a dog begging for scraps at times. Taking any time she would offer my child.

After about a year of that behavior, someone from her church said they thought she is such a wonderful grandmother with all the pics of my son and how nice it is she spends all this time our son. We're like "what?", no, she hardly visits. Maybe 6 times in a year for 10 minutes. We caught on after that. She wants the grandparent priviledges without being a grandparent.

I finally put my foot down one day when she stopped in after a few months and grabbed at my son who was almost 2 yrs old who started to scream, cry and hide. . because he didn't know her. BUT, he knows his 80 yr old grandfather (my Dad) who always wants to see him. She was crushed he didn't know his own grandmother but she brought it on herself.

To this day, her other grandson has is own room in her house. She bought a stroller, car seat for her newest grandson. My two sons never seen the time of day or a pair of socks. And oddly, we are the only ones that have ever done anything for them, tried to include them in on dinner, gatherings, bought gifts for them. I only get a text message from her when there is a gift that is required to be purchased like a baby shower or wedding and that's it. Only hear from her when she nees something from us/me. We've stopped trying and now focus our energy on the ones who show a loving interest towards our children.

My inlaws are missing out on something wonderful. But, when my boys are old enough to cut grass and to help out around the yard, it won't be their yard! Blood is NOT always thicker than water. I'm blessed to have the wonderful people in my life who WANT to be there. I thank God for those blessings. Good luck to all of you who are questioning, "What did we do?" You didn't do anything. Don't beat yourself up, move on and enjoy the journey life offers. And, be the grandparent your children didn't have. Break the chain.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

The majority of these daughters/dil are selfish, spoiled, children! We have raised our children. Now it is time for us to have our life. That means that we can visit and enjoy our granchildren when they fit into our schedule. Does that make me a bad grandma? I don't think so. Over the years I've had all my grandchildren over alone, as groups, all the cousins, or whatever for weeks, for holidays,just because, etc.. But, I don't want to go to all the soccer/baseball games where we cheer them on just because they touch the ball. When they get to be in the teens, then I'll probably be more interested.
I also don't feel that a grandparent needs to be on any schedule to be considered loving. My grandparents all lived within 30 minutes of me growing up. We saw them on holidays, birthdays, when they needed help in the garden, or the weather was perfect for a game of croquet. I still feel like I had the most wonderful grandparents! My big Christmas gift from the grandparents? This was 40 years ago, but one gave all grandchildren -every year- a transister radio and the other gave all grandchildren $2.
My children know that we love them AND their children VERY, VERY Much, but we have a life to live/


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

My mom never raised me or my two other siblings, but as soon as I had my first DD who is now 12 my mom bragged about her all the time. Now that all 3 of my DD are 12,8&3 my mom lives less than 10miles from me. I never ask her to really babysit. I am a stay at home mom and yes we need a break every once in awhile. However if and when I do ask her, she always says to me that she has to look in her calender. My mom is 50 and she does work full time, but she was always a selfish person considering she never raised me or my siblings. We do invite her over for bdays and such, but she is always in a hurry to leave or makes me feel guilty for the day I have it planned as if I ruined her whole day. She and I go to the same church and when we go on sundays, she acts like she is the Grandmother of the year! I think my kids get more attention when they are at church then what they really get outside of it. Not to mention she has stated a couple of times that she thinks my 12yr old DD who is becoming hormonal is a little B*%�%! So many times Ive wanted to knock her the hell out for that, but I cant becase she is my mom. Im to the point that I dont want to ask her to come for bday, holidays or any school function. This is the true idenity of one messed up grandparent. It hurts because she is my "real mom" and I missed out on knowing who she is and Ithink thats why I am so bitter abiut her.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I agree with Red Granny. We have raised our kids and adore our grandkids on our own terms. It's the parents of our grandkids(our kids!)that have expectations and want us to sacrifice in any and every way so that they can benefit in some way or another. Be it, save money on childcare, get time away from their own kids, make their life more comfortable at the expense of old grandma. It's not enough just to be loving grandparents. They want us toiling away and catering for the rest of our lives so that they can be more comfortable with their choices. Who cares about grandma? Why is she so under valued unless she's hopping and running for the PARENTS benefit. Get it through your heads...we LOVE our grandchildren and will do what we can and what we want to do for and with them. If we aren't begging you to let us babysit constantly...then leave it alone and don't get offended. Take responsibility for your own choices and pay for that daycare or babysitter! Quit emotionally blackmailing and judging your own parents! We aren't asking you for anything, are we, but unconditional love but YOU feel entitled to ask away and then get upset when you don't get the answer YOU want. And try not to compare the two sets of grandparents. Everyone is different and has their own circumstances and capabilities. We love you and we love our grandchildren. Don't say or think we don't just because we grandparent differently than what you want. Can you love your parents even when they aren't catering and sacrificing their lives to their dying day for whatever your needs or wants may be?


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I would like to address all you grandparents in this forum who feel you have too much of a life to spend time with your grandchildren. Please open up eyes and realize you are being extremely selfish. I get that you've raised your kids. We don't want you to raise ours. But is it too much to ask to spend some time with them? My grandparents were SAINTS and would be appalled at what some of you are saying. Who doesn't want to enjoy their grandkids? Are you nuts? My grandparents were able to invest TIME TIME TIME into my and sister, and my 5 cousins. Because, all they had was time, something our parents were limited on because of working. We all went on trips with our grandparents, learned how to garden, how to cook. There is SO MUCH you can teach your grandkids. My grandpa took me to my first circle track race and I'm still hooked on it today, some 30 years later. I enjoyed learning their values about how to treat people, how to be patriotic; serve our country; love our flag. I enjoyed hearing the old timey stories of how they met and how things were when they were in school, and on and on and on. I enjoyed being taken to fairs, concerts, fireworks. That is what FAMILY does, people!!! Stop being so selfish and all about yourself. Don't you want to pass down your heritage and your family values to the next generations? I guess if your values are selfish, then they're probably better off not spending time with you. In spite of how you treat them, we parents will still instill in them, the value of family, ALWAYS being there for each other, and that's it's sad that there are people like this in the world. I feel sorry for you. You're missing out. But our children won't, that's for SURE!


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

WOW, got that off your chest didn't you. I spent a lot of time with our grandchildren, any time they wanted to come over and spend time with us, they could and did, BUT I had 4 sets of parents wanting me to do day care for them while they worked, all at the same time....9 kids total. I was not about to run a day care for any reason. So don't lump us all together. I chose to stay home so I wouldn't have to leave my children with other people. I would have never have asked my Mom to do that for me. They were my children, my responsibility and I took care of them instead of dumping them on someone else to raise.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Brittsmom, no one is saying they don't want to spend time with their grandchildren. I spend plenty of time with mine and enjoy it when I can do it on my own terms. The parents want scheduled daycare from me so that they can save money and sleep late on those days. They also ask me to go pick her up and bring her home from my home those days. This diminishes my joy of being a grandmother. I would much rather go on fun outings and overnight weekend stays, which I also do and enjoy. But, the parents feelings of entitlement is a turn off and I resent it. I too, stayed home and raised my kids without thinking of infringing on my parents for daycare. I would like to be done with the "raising" part and get on with the fun only part. That is often the problem with this scenario. I think that when some of you complain that grandparents "don't want to spend time with their grandchildren", you mean they don't/won't babysit for you so you can do whatever. Frankly, most grandparents love the spending time part and maybe an occasional babysitting but we don't want to be pressured about what we can and what WE want to do with our grandchildren. We don't wish to be taken advantage of and we want you to be sensitive to that and accept it. Grandparents are a bonus and a gift as are the grandchildren to grandparents. Please don't diminish the experience for both by expecting your parents to sacrifice themselves for your expectations and agenda that is sometimes more than what grandparents want to(or can)do. We are not being selfish and we also are not the ones asking you for anything, are we? We love our grandchildren and we love you but these are your children to raise and ours to love and spoil :)


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Wow, I am learning so much here. And I don't fit either category, as a uninterested grandparent or a parent dealing with one. I'm the shut-out grandparent, the one whose grandchildren (out of state) were taken into the system and split up into foster homes. Due to health issues and other circustances I could not relocate in the middle of a recession that affected us horribly, to try to take all the children into our home. That said, not all foster moms are good parents; I am not permitted to see these children, and long to be a grandparent. I try to send thoughtfully chosen, age appropriate gifts on special occasions; when I am contacted to pinch-hit for Santa, when one foster family is having financial problems, I gladly step forward with wallet open, grateful for the opportunity to make their wishes come true. For this I get slapped in the face, as the grandchildren are not permitted to see me. I am supposed to just be a money tree at their convenience?! I don't think so!

So, if any of you young parents wishes to adopt some loving proxy grandparents, and are in south FL (you can email me if you wish), I'd be happy to meet some delightful, vibrant young people.

Grammy


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Grammy -- I am very sorry for your situation. I can only suggest that - if you want to take full custody of your grandkids, or just have a better ability to visit -- you look for a large law firm that has a good pro bono program in your area. This is what my firm does. We help families in various situations. It has been done and can be done. Just start asking around.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

There are always two sides to the story.

Do you invite them over?

Do you make them feel welcome when the come?

Are they only invited over for 'events' where a lot of other people are there, and they don't get any 'quality time' with you or the kids?

Maybe they are trying to be respectful and not force themselves onto your family uninvited. Maybe they are of the mindset that they raised their family, did all the hard parenting stuff, and no longer want to stand around in a damp soccer field, or get mosquito-bitten at a large outdoor birthday party.

Maybe, just maybe, they would enjoy taking one kid at a time to something special, like a museum, lunch, the zoo, that sort of thing. Some grandparents - and I am one of them! - can't handle the screaming, squealing, and crying of sibling drama out in public.

Just a thought.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I am so glad to have read these comments. I am a mother of two boys. Both sets of grandparents live in my town. The grandparents have different styles and sometimes this can upset me. I keep reminding myself not to take anything personally and to graciously accept the times we are together. I've never expected babysitting and rarely ask. I have been hurt when one set of grandparents seem uninterested in attending performances and sporting events. I know that they love my kids and the fact that they don't attend doesn't mean they are uncaring people.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Lori, I do understand your situation, and am sorry that both sets of parents seem to not be interested in the kids events. Oh how I wish I had the opportunity to participate in the special events and the opportunity to be close, to be there when little daily events come home with kids, eager to share with grandma. But, too many miles between us for that. I do what I can, and sometimes grieve over the distance. But, I know that I am doing everything I can to make special trips, to make special occasions a little more special. My next event visit is for a grandchild who has taken the lead in her school district's play. Since they have a small district, they have to combine the middle schoolers with the high schoolers to have enough students for a marching band, or a play, musical, whatever. She is only in seventh grade, and took the lead in the play, so that is quite an achievement. I am making 'the pilgrimage', a flight up the country, for several days' indulgence, and maybe I'll get to see some of the other grands. We can hope the mothers will be cooperative. Sometimes I get my requests accommodated, sometimes not. Sometimes hearts soften, sometimes not. I doubt my ex will attend. He hasn't availed himself of the opportunity to be a grandfather, since we were divorced many years back. Pity for the grands, as he most certainly would have been a wonderful, nurturing, grandpa to them. I can't change that, but I can let them all know that I care enough to be there as often as I can. There will come a time soon enough when I'll no longer be able to make the trip, with my ailing body. They will grow up and become busy college students, go away for trips or studies, and I will have had my chance to grandparent slowly evaporate as they become adults. That's the way of things, isn't it?

Just take good care of yourself, and your boys, Lori. Rejoice in each day's new dawn and give those kids the best you can. Keep inviting, showing photos, and then let go. For whatever reasons, the grandparents aren't hands-on. Their own lives may play out different some day - We can only hope.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I don't think it is a case of uninterested grandparents, I think it is about our children wanting us to drop every thing we do to baby sit their kids. I know it was true in our case. I had to decide whether to spend time with my husband or be my grand children's day care and grand parents should not be put on a spot like that. At our age we are short on time and we should be free to travel or go to garage sales and work at our hobbies. We have put in our time raising children and grands should be a pleasure and fun instead of a job.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I get what you are saying, EmmaR. It is difficult being put in that situation. I never was what I call 'the routine babysitter', the one who was used for regular parental substitute. That's simply unfair, as are many situations. I get it. And, many grandparents are still very involved in their work lives, maybe being able for the first time in their marriage to save for retirement. Others put off dreams of travel, time with friends, time for hobbies, until the years of grandparent status. I think a balance that makes all happy is the target. It's just hard if that target is always moving, lol. Just do what you want, and if you are able to be an occasional helper, by your choice, I'm sure that will be appreciated. One of the responsibilities some young parents have difficulty with is planning for the care of their offspring, while they juggle employment and other real-life demands. IMHO, that should be factored into the 'having a baby' plan, just like diapers and formula. Good luck, EmmaR, in juggling your life and grandparent role.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I have managed just fine. I have done a bit of traveling in the last 15 years.

This photo was taken in Kenya. We thought the cheetah was going to attack the Oryx and our guide said "Cheetahs don't climb trees, the Oryx have chased him up there". We watched as the cheetah teetered around a bit before he fell out of the tree. Then the Oryx chased him away. What an experience, the prey chasing away the predator. About the oryx. They think the Oryx started the legend of the unicorn. When you see them in profile you only see one horn.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I am appalled at some people on both sides of this. Some people expect grandparents to babysit and such, and get upset when they don't, while some grandparents think their children should be thankful for any tidbit of attention given. Here's my situation.
Both my parents and my husband's parents just don't care. At all. My son just turned three on Friday. Not only did none of them see him, he didn't even get a card. He's actually never gotten a card from them. He's a little better off than his younger brother though. My husband's parents did come by when my oldest was six months old. My youngest has never seen them. It's nothing we've done. They're like this with all the grandkids. So, the grandparents who think I'm whining and my expectations are too high are way out of line. I cry all the time wondering why they don't want anything to do with their grandkids.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Why in the world does lack of grandparents upset you so. If you don't make a big deal out of it the kids won't know the difference. They will just think it's normal.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I cry all the time wondering why they don't want anything to do with their grandkids.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, momoftwo22. I know it hurts your feelings.

I don't mean this to sound like callous advice, but kind and thoughtful advice from someone who has raised 2 children. There are a lot of unkind things and unfair things your children will have to deal with. You can't change that. But you can model the behaviors and attitudes you want your children to have. You want them to be resilient - to take the cards they're dealt with in life and make the best of them and not to dwell on the negatives. You want to teach them there is a better way to be - so model the kind of encompassing love you want them to know. No, they don't have loving grandparents but they have loving parents, and that is more than many kids have.

You will find that children often take their cues from their parents. Don't badmouth the grandparents to your children. Model grace and kindness when the topic of grandparents comes up. And if you don't let it upset you, then it probably won't upset them. If you get angry, they probably will see this as something to be angry over. If you are chill, they probably will be, too.

My children have a grandparent who doesn't see them or have any interest in them. It is not a failing in me or in my children, it is simply the way he is. Try not to let it hurt you. Your kids will be fine if you are.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

momoftwo -- I'm am really sorry to hear you have to deal with this. I know how it is to have something that hurts, and so you focus on it, feeling hurt even though there are many good things going on in life. What I have written below is meant to be a pep talk -- sort of a "drop those dingy old grandparents and get on with your wonderful life" kind of exhortation.

Anything you cry about will bring sadness into your home.
Anything you rejoice about will bring joy into your home.
Focus on ALL the great things in your life. Toss those unfeeling grandparents out with the recycling. They're missing something wonderful -- too bad for them.

When you feel sad about the uncaring grandparents, make yourself think a better thought -- focus on something good, like your eyesight or your kids' health. And congratulate yourself and your husband for creating a loving home despite the influence during your growing up years of people who seem to be out of touch with feelings.

It's like the uncaring grandparents don't exist in your kids' lives. But you DO exist, and if you are sad, even if you don't think you're showing it, it affects them. Don't let those people make you sad! They don't deserve that power in your life.

I wish you joy and freedom from the hurt.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I have to say....that if your in laws in any way feel that you favor your parents seeing your children over them, this might be reason they are not putting themselves out there....

This has happened in my life...my DIL was so jealous of my relationship with her kids...she was confused I am sure...she never promoted me as a grandparent at all....she once even excluded me purposely out of a photo...telling my husband she just wanted a picture with him and her son...can you imagine the hurt I felt...

My husband must have been tickled pink that this happened to me...as he did not even acknowledge my pain.....almost as if he supports my DIL's actions .... so sad...I have lost feelings for him....

Now that my GS's are 10 and 9 .... I rarely see them .. I am just the person that flits through their life...I blame my son even more...he sees it, but feels he does not want to go against her...she must be a hellraiset...when no one is there...

So ask yourself if your husband keeps his parents informed and in the picture...does he or you call them when they do something special? Do you both make reason to take them to their house on a random afternoon? All these things keep grandparents enthusiastic over seeing the kids...if you treat them ho hum....they will feel isolated..but you know that don't you?

I bet you call your Mom every day...does your husband call his Mom even once a month? It does not mean they were bad parents...little boys become men and really no longer find time for parents...if you have a son, you will get it one day sorry to say....

Ask yourself what YOU can do to make them want to be present more often...but if they were...you might not like it...and they know this apparently or sense it...most grandparents are ecstatic to have grandchildren local to them....maybe you left something out..


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I have to say....that if your in laws in any way feel that you favor your parents seeing your children over them, this might be reason they are not putting themselves out there....

This has happened in my life...my DIL was so jealous of my relationship with her kids...she was confused I am sure...she never promoted me as a grandparent at all....she once even excluded me purposely out of a photo...telling my husband she just wanted a picture with him and her son...can you imagine the hurt I felt...

My husband must have been tickled pink that this happened to me...as he did not even acknowledge my pain.....almost as if he supports my DIL's actions .... so sad...I have lost feelings for him....

Now that my GS's are 10 and 9 .... I rarely see them .. I am just the person that flits through their life...I blame my son even more...he sees it, but feels he does not want to go against her...she must be a hellraiset...when no one is there...

So ask yourself if your husband keeps his parents informed and in the picture...does he or you call them when they do something special? Do you both make reason to take them to their house on a random afternoon? All these things keep grandparents enthusiastic over seeing the kids...if you treat them ho hum....they will feel isolated..but you know that don't you?

I bet you call your Mom every day...does your husband call his Mom even once a month? It does not mean they were bad parents...little boys become men and really no longer find time for parents...if you have a son, you will get it one day sorry to say....

Ask yourself what YOU can do to make them want to be present more often...but if they were...you might not like it...and they know this apparently or sense it...most grandparents are ecstatic to have grandchildren local to them....maybe you left something out..


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I have to say....that if your in laws in any way feel that you favor your parents seeing your children over them, this might be reason they are not putting themselves out there....

This has happened in my life...my DIL was so jealous of my relationship with her kids...she was confused I am sure...she never promoted me as a grandparent at all....she once even excluded me purposely out of a photo...telling my husband she just wanted a picture with him and her son...can you imagine the hurt I felt...

My husband must have been tickled pink that this happened to me...as he did not even acknowledge my pain.....almost as if he supports my DIL's actions .... so sad...I have lost feelings for him....

Now that my GS's are 10 and 9 .... I rarely see them .. I am just the person that flits through their life...I blame my son even more...he sees it, but feels he does not want to go against her...she must be a hellraiset...when no one is there...

So ask yourself if your husband keeps his parents informed and in the picture...does he or you call them when they do something special? Do you both make reason to take them to their house on a random afternoon? All these things keep grandparents enthusiastic over seeing the kids...if you treat them ho hum....they will feel isolated..but you know that don't you?

I bet you call your Mom every day...does your husband call his Mom even once a month? It does not mean they were bad parents...little boys become men and really no longer find time for parents...if you have a son, you will get it one day sorry to say....

Ask yourself what YOU can do to make them want to be present more often...but if they were...you might not like it...and they know this apparently or sense it...most grandparents are ecstatic to have grandchildren local to them....maybe you left something out..


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Oh you mothers who think you producing kids means grandparents should come running when you think are going to love me. lol

Get a grip. Your expectations are just that, yours. There are 2 sides to every story and complaining mothers here like to agree with each other. Oh poor me.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I agree Time....they want a grandparent from their parents, but many times, they will only abide the husbands parents when they can get an afternoon out or gifts...

I have seen women get MIL's to babysit and go out shopping with their moms, buy them lunch...really spend quality time with them, but not even thank the MIL when they come home...making the statement that she should be glad to see her granchildren..this happened many times to a neighbor till the DIL's comments came back to her...she shut down the daycare....and had an excuse everytime DIL and her mommy wanted time out...

She had only one son that she never had that quality time with, just like my situation....and she had to make many emotional adjustments but stuck to her stand...when I heard about how she dealt with it, it was too late for me to do any adjustments, but I felt like it was not a problem only I dealt with...

Women need to understand, their hand might rock the cradle and rule their world, but your MIL could give a %#$.... they talk about you to their hairdresser....get a clue..


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

To Jensor04 in response to your question ,it sounds like your husband ,it's not your mother in law' s favorite son .My mom treats me differently then my other brothers ,we are four brothers .She treats the young one and the oldest better then she treats me and anything I do it's never good enough for her ,so my children are not her favorite grandkids .When I have invited her to my kid's birthday's or special celebration, like holidays she has never gone to celebrate with us ,but if is my brothers she does. Also my wife is not her favorite daughter in law .My other brother's wives are her favorites .

This post was edited by SotoRon on Tue, Dec 31, 13 at 6:20


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Bingo SotRon. I also was in the position of not being the favored child, and my children were not the favored grandchildren because of my mother's feelings towards me. Some parents play favorites. It's wrong, but it's the way it is. The favorite child's children become the favorite grandchildren. You can't change a person who acts this way, so don't let her get to you. Take the higher road. It's filled with less sadness and without guilt. Teach your children well, treat them fairly, and break the cycle.
Best of luck!


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I don't understand this at all. We have 2 toddler girls, cute as can be, my parents love staying at a distance. Yes, they are elderly (70s), they are healthy, its a distance to travel (need to fly), but they refused to come last year to visit (at all), and even this year they are already saying (esp my mom) that they may not. Wife and them get along fine, no issues there. Its like they want to be grandparents from a distance. I don't get it. It's very hurtful to me, and obviously it'll p*ss off my wife if they won't come this year either. They just talk themselves out of it (ahhhh maybe next year etc etc). They give gifts and love the kids, but from a distance.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

If they are in their 70's maybe they uncomfortable traveling alone. I have traveled all over the world but always with tour companies, never alone. I have made my last road trip, no more unless I hire a driver. Do you ever go see them?


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Confusedson, are you able to ask your parents directly if there's something preventing them visiting, or some worries or fears they have, associated with visiting? Perhaps they aren't aware they are possibly hurting their daughter-in-law's feelings (and yours as well), by their seeming ambivalence. If this is their vision of retirement, it may be a deep, life-long desire to be alone, just the two of them. I'm not saying it's right, but without being able to 'get inside their heads', you can't know.

They are missing out, I assure you. But don't let that cause problems in your family. It's their own choice.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I am not in the same situation as this one, but I have family in my city and I don't want to spend time with them and the ones out of town would be hurt if I stayed in a hotel. I like my peace and quiet. I don't want to spend time with any of my family.

For whatever reason don't put a guilt trip on them. They are in their last few years, let them live them the way they want to. I would hate to have them lose a child over something like this.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Mon, Jan 6, 14 at 21:06


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

confusedson, it could also be that your parents are like my late mother. She liked to be the "queen bee" and felt it was OUR duty to visit HER, not the other way around. Notwithstanding the fact that DH worked weird shifts and I worked weekends, and with DD in school there wasn't enough time left to schedule a four hour round trip to visit her often. The irony was that she was retired and could easily have come to us, with her travelling time occurring simultaneously with our work time, so that we could have been at our place at the same time and been able to spend more time together, but she never saw it that way. It was easier to complain that she never saw us and to be jealous of DH's parents, who lived much closer, visited us, and were located in a place that we would be driving past anyway when we had to go to town.
She had no problems driving distances, did it all the time, just never in our direction :-(


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I'm a brand new grandparent (1 month old) and I would like to comment from this perspective.

I raised two beautiful children as a single parent. Had my first at age 21, and have devoted the last 33 years of my life to my kids. I have never been on a trip outside the US; never owned a new car. But my kids both graduated from college debt free. That's what I wanted for them - not to struggle as I did.

They are both the loves of my life. So, never in a million years would I have thought of myself as a person who would be an "uninterested grandparent." But my son married a woman who turned out to be much different from the lovely person that I first thought she was. She would *not allow me* to give a rehearsal dinner at their wedding. Because it was 'her special time." That was a bad start - as my intention was to throw this dinner as a *celebration* of their marriage. Apparently, my joy at their happiness was not relevant to her....

Anyway, in the time since then , it has not gotten better, although I have tried. My son has invited me over to their house, however, she has never once in three years met me at the door and said "hi thanks for coming" "can i get you a coke?" or anything of the sort. She will sleep on the couch in front of me when I am in the living room. Once, I had to wait outside for my son to get home to be let in, when she was upstairs "napping".

I am just an included accessory that comes with the package of her husband.

It is awful. My son & I tried to discuss things a few months ago. He said that he knew she had "been bad in the past" but that she has changed, and as proof of this, he said to me that "she's even hoping you'll babysit when she goes back to work."

I know he meant that to be a positive thing, because he desperately wants things to be OK. But it had the exact opposite effect on me. *Of course* she wants me to babysit so she can go back to work. *Of course, she does*. But that has nothing to do with me being loved or appreciated by her, and it has nothing to do with what is best for the child. It has to do with what is convenient and cost-saving for her.

Or worse, it's just some BS she is telling him, and she would gouge her eyeballs out with a spoon before she'd let me near her kid...

In any case, I tell this story to ask you to look at your situation and ask yourself first, if you treat your mother in law like a human being. Do you try to develop any kind of relationship with her at all? Or is she just an add-on?

If you are not showing your appreciation for her as a person to start with, she will probably be in my situation -- which is that I do not want to get attached to the grandchild, there is no point, because she will just break my heart. I learned that lesson once already - my son & barely speak because it's all just too difficult for both of us.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

ElizaJane, I feel so much sorrow for you, your son, and your grandchild. This goes to show that sometimes the adult child's choice in mate creates poor family dynamics. What a loss for you, and for the grandchild. I agree, seeing the babysitting offer as a negative overture would be hard to take. And if you were to do that to be in your grandchild's life, what happens when you handle the usual occasional naughty thing that children all try? More hurt and heartbreak for you, I'm afraid. I'd be taking the same stand. In fact, I once had a young daughter-in-law comment to me that she had to learn that some grandparents don't want to provide free daycare (she called it babysitting). I did not cave, went back to school and earned my accounting degree. These types don't always remain with the healthy spouse they married. Don't get suckered into an unhealthy relationship. It will hurt the grandchild, once attached to you, to suddenly be yanked out of your grandchild's life, for a real or imagined (more likely) transgression. Blessings to you!


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

After reading thru many of these posts, I kinda get the "why" in many of these situations. For us, we have two children, we do not live in the same area as my husbands parents, my parents are dead. We get that they spend time with the grands closest to them. We get that they are the favorites, we may not like that, but we get it. There is one other set of grandkids that live five minutes from us. In the past two years, the Grandparents have come for special events for those kids, understandable, but what we-my husband and I, do not get is that the grandparents can be in town for two to three days before he(my husband) is even aware that they are here.They do not have any desire to see our children-(5 and 9) even being five minutes away, we could happily go there to visit them, but his parents are not interested. I just really want them to know that our kids are fantastic too. And I don't want my kids to feel bad when they know that Grandma is here visiting their cousins, but has no desire to visit them. How do you address it?
Thanks much


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I am not an uninterested grandparent but somehow not matter how much you do it is never enough. I have grandchildren from 21 years to 20 months. The older I get the harder it is to do. I still work. I have opted however to only work three days a week so I can help my youngest with her almost two year old. She is going to school and I want to support her and I love being with my granddaughter. I cherish the times we share. This week however I was scared to travel the hour and a half due to the threat of bad weather. I did it last week and was lucky to arrive alive. I feel guilty that I did not go, because she counts on me being there. I wish it was easier not to feel this way.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

MoChick,

You have more company than you probably realize. Go back and read more about favorite children and their children become the favored ones. The problem is not with the favored children and grandchildren. Assign the problem to the grandparents who do not treat all equally. Been there, and own the Tshirt.

As to how to handle this when the grandparents are coming into town, perhaps the other parents would become allied with you, and tip you off so you can plan something child friendly, that all the grandchildren could participate in. One example, though the possibilities are endless, would be take all the kids rollerskating. The parents and grandparents could visit, kiss boo-boos, and the cousins could have a wonderful time. Maybe there's some bonding you can make with the cousins and their parents, to strengthen the kids' bonds. Maybe they will someday be able to break that cycle. I feel for you!


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I had grand kids living in the city near me and some living 300 miles away. I had no favorites even though I saw the ones in town a lot. Every holiday I sent gifts to the out of town kids, not always expensive gifts even though they weren't gift giving holidays. They were very young and I made a special effort for them to know me through the mail. They started calling me Grandma _____(the city I lived in). I loved that.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I love that idea! But, if we keep moving, they won't know who we are!


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

No problem with me moving I looked for a new home last month and couldn't find any new development without HOA's. I am in that now and want out. I especially wanted to move to Ft Smith Arkansas, and I will go back when I recover from cataract removal and look for an older home.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I can really relate to this. My parents are both retired, well off financially and are awful grandparents. Admittedly my Father is disabled, though this doesnt stop them having holidays abroad, having a social life with friends and lots of other things. They only have our kids as their grandchildren and their idea of a fun day for the kids is to stick them in front of the TV. Anything that involves them leaving the house generally ends in upset as my Mum always complains and or lets us down at the last minute. When my eldest was first born she made a big fuss about what the kids would refer to her as.

In contrast to my wifes Father who still works, has many more grandchildren and is less well off financially he bends over backwards to have a good relationship with all his 7 grandkids.

Ive always had a bad relationship with my Mother and it has come to ahead as i can see her inflicting her selfish ways on my kids, the only option I can see is to take a step back, keep contact to a minumum and let them ask if they want to see their Grandchildren.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

Most people are thrilled by the idea of being grandparents, but the reality can sometimes be a real eye-opener. Maybe dealing with loud, wild kids is beyond their temperament. Maybe one on one would be better then dealing with all of them at once. It isn't fair to say a grandparent is selfish when they are at a loss as to how to entertain a bunch of young children; some people are better at it than others. Yes, maybe they are active with friends and travel, but haven't they earned that privilege? Having the 3 girls over for the afternoon absolutely exhausted me, and I'm not yet 50; someone much older, I would imagine, would have even more difficulty with all the (lovely, exuberant) chaos and noise that comes with young kids....


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

! I have come to the conclusion that after trying for 12 years to initiate occasional visits and phone calls with my childrens' Grandparents, it has been fruitless and useless. I am finally done and moving on. I only have 2 tween aged children, and it is so sad when my son asks why his Grandparents do not like him. He compares himself to the kids at school who seem to always have their grandfolks around. I have never used my folks for day care,trips, babysitting, etc. The only reasoning I can think of is my parents never really wanted me in the first place, and they are now taking it out on my children. I feel awful that it has taken me this long to figure it out. At least I now know that when my children have families of their own, I will look forward to being a loving & involved part of it!


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I was at the mall one day and as I was leaving a white headed woman could not hold on to a toddler struggling to get down out of her arms. He finally got free and ran right out in front of a car. Thankfully he was not hit, but she should not have had the responsibility of that child, she could not handle him.


 o
RE: Uninterested Grandparents

I don't think anyone is asking for grandparents to become surrogate parents. Little things like phoning grandkids on their birthdays, or coming to watch a school or sports event would make all the difference.

My parents also pretend to be great grandparents to their friends, they've recently discovered Facebook and love to brag on it about the grandkids they never bother to contact. Last week was the final straw when they posted about going to see someone else's GKids perform in a concert just down the road from us, they never bothered to call in and we haven't heard from them in 3 months !

Like a previous poster said... I'm done with it. If you want to be a grandparent you have to act like it.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Grandparents Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here