Just leave your in-laws alone, they will not change and nothing you say will make any difference to them. They probably weren't great parents, either. Be cordial, keep them up to date on the kids, through phone calls, email, whatever, but don't expect any response. Set your expectations low and you won't be disappointed. They will have to live with the consequences.

My ex mother-in-law declared that she was too young to be a grandmother when we told her we were expecting our first child 28 years ago, and it turns out, she meant it. (She was a terrible mother, too) She spent very little time with our children, and I'm glad. She is not a pleasant person to be around, and spending time with here was difficult for all of us. To this day, the kids don't like her, and now that she's moved far, far away - out of sight, out of mind! My XFIL popped up every now and then for a few hours, be we never let him take the kids anywhere, he drank!

My parents, on the other hand, were wonderful grandparents, and we all miss them terribly. My father's mother was the same, a wonderful grandmother to me. I had great role models, and I hope I can do as well.

Enjoy your kids, and let them bask in the love your parents give them. Don't worry about the other side of the family, there's too many more important things to do.

Good luck.

My parents were wonderful grandparents, but they had a good balance, their priorty was taking care of themselves and doing what interested them. They didn't babysit very often, they only watched the kids once when we went away, no carefree vacations, dinner or dancing for us. If we needed a babysitter, we hired one. We got together alot, for lunch or dinner or just a visit, since we lived close by, and they only had 4 grandchildren. And when they were with their grandchildren, they were such loving grandparents, doing all the things grandparents do to spoil them. My kids have wonderful memories of them.

My XMIL, on the other hand, made no effort to see the kids, would call at the last minute to cancel a visit because something else came up, rarely invited us over for a visit, and on the few occasions we did visit, she lurked like a vulture over the kids, scolding them if they moved. She rarely gave them birthday or Christmas cards, much less gifts. Yet she boasted about all the time and money she spent on the pastor's kids, at her church. She is, of course, is a "fine christian woman," or so she says. My kids think she's a bad joke.

I think we all have to find what works for us, but if grandparents aren't interested, I doubt there is anything that will change that behavior. And remember Time wounds all heels says Ann Landers, or was that Dear Abby?

As a new grandmother, I have a similar situation where I only see the GD every 4-6 weeks, but it's not by choice. The DIL's family seems to always come first (which I can understand) and like me, your MIL may find it difficult to schedule a time where she can spend one-on-one time with the grandkids without someone else over there.
Maybe this is not the case with your MIL, but it's worth considering.

If she's never invited she could be thinking you don't want her over there, so I would call and ask your MIL if she'd like you to bring the kids over or invite the inlaws for a 'private' visit . Maybe even ask if they want to watch them while you run an errand. If they're not interested after such an offer, then they may not be interested in babysitting!

Our daughter lives one mile from us and I do not just drop in for a chat or to see the grandchildren. Every adult child needs to lead their own lives without grandparents popping in all the time.

I have chosen to give my daughter/family "space" to live their own lives. We have 5 children and only one lives in the same city we do.

My daughter is the bread winner and son-in-law a stay at home dad. His mother is there often during the day and that is fine. I did not feel comfortable going over with only son-in-law there, he is not the social kind of person.

We do go to visit when invited and I do drop things off at the door, say high/bye. Our daughter invites us for dinner occasionally and always on birthdays, Mother's Day, etc. We take our daughter and 4 children to the resturant after church every Sunday (s-i-l is welcome too). We also have "sewing day" at our house one day a week after school from about 3:30 to 8:00 p.m. No, we do not always sew, they eat, do home work, play, or we do something they are interested in. Grandpa has done woodworking with them at times, I teach them sewing, etc. We also babysit occasionally when daughter wants to go to a movie, months between times. She does not take advantage of us.

In the past we had family get together once a month at our house with all children/grandchildren, Finally had to stop after grandchildren became involved in activities on weekends.

Our son has two children and lives 1 1/2 hrs from us. His children are involved in many activities. We tried going to their soccer games a few times, however, it was hard on us since the games were at 9:00 a.m., bleachers very uncomfortable for ailing back, folding chairs not that great either. The wind blew sand in our eyes constantly and I have blepharitis/dry eyes. We had to stop going. We go to special events, piano, ballet, gymnastics, horseback, and swimming. We simply cannot hold up to going every weekend to their activities. We need to live our life too and not all of our time devoted to going to granchildren activities.

Grandparents visits depends on the parents specifically inviting grandparents to come visit, making them feel welcome and comfortable, etc. Many grandparents have chosen what I have, let their adult children live their own lives without popping in on them all the time. Parents know when it is convenient to have visitors and when it is not, thus, let the grandparents know, extend an invitation.

Our local grandchildren miss out on our being at many of their functions because they do not bother to let us know when they are scheduled.

We also have two grandsons living in another state, nearest airport is 1 1/2 hrs. away, so, we drive. Visiting them is difficult due to forest fires, control forest burns that cause us extreme respiratory illness. One time we thought we had the flu only to clear up as soon as we were out of range of the smoke. I do not fare well at high altitude. In the winter snow storms and closing of highways make car travel difficult. The summer is the best time to go, however, last summer I was recovering from shoulder surgery, in therapy and could not attempt a 12 hr. trip.

Take a look at what you do or do not do and see if you see a pattern that may make the grandparents not feel all that welcome.

Remember that grandparents had their heyday of going to children activities all the time, they may not be up to doing the same for grandchildren, they are worn out!!

Hope this is of some value, it is the path I have chosen.

My parents say they are too old to take care of the baby and they can't seem to imagine living with us either. My mom is 70 and my dad is a very active 82.

It hurts me a lot to know that they are not interested in caring for their granddaughter and I can't stop thinking about it. To make matters worse, friends and relatives always ask me if my parents are helping us and friends often tell me that the grandparents are helping with child care. When we do get the spot in day care, the cost will be $1122 per month and I don't even know how we will afford it.

I am a good cook and could help my parents have healthy delicious meals while they stay with us. Why don't they want to care for their granddaughter?

My mom did come to stay with us for a week after the baby was born. I had a c-section. She didn't change diapers and was most interested in getting her photo with the baby for her Facebook page.

What should I do?

Have you considered staying home with your baby? Take a hard look at your finances. There are expenses associated with working, such as clothes and transportation, that you won't have as a stay-at-home-mom. How were you planning to cope before she was born? I don't know your particular situation, of course.

I don't blame your parents for not wanting to become live-in nannies. It has nothing to do with their love for their new granddaughter, or their love for you, either. They just recognize their limitations. My MIL used to say, "There's a reason G-d gave children to the young!"

You and your husband need to figure out how to handle your situation yourself. After all, you had many months before the baby was born to think about it. I'm sure you'll be able to work out something on your own because, after all, that's what most people do.

Amanda - That was a very nasty post and completely uncalled for. How ironic that you, who aren't even a grandparent, are so willing to villify someone who is.

Wow - the apparent expectations of the young parents described on these pages is amazing. "It's all about me", it seems. Were they raised to always expect things to be done for them rather than to take responsbility for themselves? Or did they just suddenly become this way?

You need to accept the fact that your baby is not the center of everyone's life. There should be room in an extended family for a new baby and a new bride without all this resentment. Even if you're right and your inlaws are more focused on their other son's affairs, this isn't something you're going to change overnight. The worst thing you could do now is to make an issue of it with them. That will only drive them farther away. A wise parent learns to accept her/his in-laws for what they are, with all their foibles, and gracefully accepts what they do have to offer.

And who knows? Maybe they'll became very attached to your son when he gets older. Believe it or not, a fair number of people (epecially men) just don't find babies overwhelmingly interesting. Don't put them on the defensive now. Instead, try to relax, enjoy your baby and just let these relationships develop over time.

The oldest two, at least, are getting beyond the age where just spending time with Grandma is good enough. Quite naturally, they have their own interests and want to go places. Their parents should be able to handle those chores without expecting you to be there to do them. It's really not fair of them to expect regular babysitting from you when you're that burdened with elder care.

You sound like a good grandma to me and I speak as a gradmother myself. It's your right to decide how much energy you have left for three active grandkids and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Well, I had my 1st son and that was it. Hardly seen my in laws who only live 15 minutes away. No calls, nothing, nothing, nothing on all levels. I offered to bring the baby over to visit. No, "We're just so, so busy" is what I was told. My husband and I were very puzzled because his parents are complete opposite with their other grandchild. Trust me, we did self evaluation, did we do something? Are we not doing something? What is it? What happened? I guess it wouldn't be so puzzling if their behavior with their other grandson was the same but it's not.

Every other month she would have to drive by my house and stop in enroute to a doctors appointment (always before the appt. so she had a reason to leave fast and always called last minute). She would snap tons of pictures of my son and her holding him and that's it. I would make sure I would let her come over and was happy for any tibit of time she threw at us. I started to feel like a dog begging for scraps at times. Taking any time she would offer my child.

After about a year of that behavior, someone from her church said they thought she is such a wonderful grandmother with all the pics of my son and how nice it is she spends all this time our son. We're like "what?", no, she hardly visits. Maybe 6 times in a year for 10 minutes. We caught on after that. She wants the grandparent priviledges without being a grandparent.

I finally put my foot down one day when she stopped in after a few months and grabbed at my son who was almost 2 yrs old who started to scream, cry and hide. . because he didn't know her. BUT, he knows his 80 yr old grandfather (my Dad) who always wants to see him. She was crushed he didn't know his own grandmother but she brought it on herself.

To this day, her other grandson has is own room in her house. She bought a stroller, car seat for her newest grandson. My two sons never seen the time of day or a pair of socks. And oddly, we are the only ones that have ever done anything for them, tried to include them in on dinner, gatherings, bought gifts for them. I only get a text message from her when there is a gift that is required to be purchased like a baby shower or wedding and that's it. Only hear from her when she nees something from us/me. We've stopped trying and now focus our energy on the ones who show a loving interest towards our children.

My inlaws are missing out on something wonderful. But, when my boys are old enough to cut grass and to help out around the yard, it won't be their yard! Blood is NOT always thicker than water. I'm blessed to have the wonderful people in my life who WANT to be there. I thank God for those blessings. Good luck to all of you who are questioning, "What did we do?" You didn't do anything. Don't beat yourself up, move on and enjoy the journey life offers. And, be the grandparent your children didn't have. Break the chain.

So, if any of you young parents wishes to adopt some loving proxy grandparents, and are in south FL (you can email me if you wish), I'd be happy to meet some delightful, vibrant young people.

Grammy