Distant grandparents/parents

15 years ago

Hi there! I would love some outside insight to this situation in my family as I feel like I have no one to talk to about it.

I was always pretty close to my parents and had a good relationship with them. We still have a relationship but it has changed and not in a good way really. During my teen years they were really unhappy and wanted to move to another state (we had already moved too much by then) but luckily they stayed put for me to finish high school. They are still living in the same town and sill complaining about it after 13 years. My husband and I and our son live 2 hours away in a larger city.

Things took a drastic change two years ago when I had my son. My folks were involved during my pregnancy and things were good. Our son was born and was in NICU for a while and we were distraut...but my parents did not offer much support. I was surprised. We had no other family there to help/support us through that time so we just got through it together. When our son came home they visited but only for part of a day and then would go home. When my mom would come to visit by herself she would stay 4 hours if that and not help me hardly at all. I had some post partum depression which she knew but still not much support. She would say "oh it is hard for everyone..I remember (you do? it was a long time ago when I was a baby mom!). When my son was fussy she would insist on the phone.."give him cereal (he was 2 months old) and formula, have him cry it out". We had to explain to my parents that this was not what we wanted to do with our son. My mom felt "hurt" by this. I did not get it. That all blew over but I fear the effects of that time have never healed.

My parents visit but not too often. My mom is noticebly depressed (my husband sees it) and will nap on our couch when they do visit instead of spending time with her grandson. They do not have a bad life mind you...financially secure live in a nice house, nice town etc. I have told her and my dad I am concerned but they blow it off every time.

They are good people and I miss the way they use to be. They both seem so dissatisfied with life and as their adult, and only, child I feel helpless to change things. My husband's parents were estranged from us for some time (before the birth of our son) but we have reconciled with them fortunately. They are great and have taken great interest in our son which I am so happy about. Even more interesting is that when I was ill this year my MIL send me a care package with vitamins and other things so I could get better. My mom never does those kind of things anymore. She is just "there" most of the time and we seem to not have a close relationship at all. If I try to bring this up she gets defensive and I somehow end up feeling like the bad person. My mom also treats me like I am a little girl still. They way she talks to me calling me "little sweetie" and things like that..but in a squeaky voice. The only time she really takes a lot of interest in talking to me is to talk about when I was little. I feel sad that she misses that time so much and try to be sensitive to that but at the same time she is missing the present! I feel that she does not know me as an adult at all and has just distanced herself from even trying.

Any thoughts? I know this is a lot of info to read I am sorry. I am just out of answers. Should I just move on with my life and let them come around some day? Why does this happen?

Alli

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Comments (4)

User
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
That's too bad, what a hard time this must have been. It appears that your mother needs a good exam by a physician and an evaluation for depression. Something is happening and it needs to be diagnosed.

Of course, if she won't do it and your dad can't get her to do it, nothing will change. Good luck.
stargazzer
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I thought the most difficult thing I have had to go through was the 5 years my husband had Alzheimer's, but when I thought about it I decided it wasn't. Relationships are the most difficult thing I have ever faced. After my husband died I met new people and bonded with some women, but after a year, it was the same way. There is to much you have to excuse or put up with to have someone in your life. I just want peace for the rest of my life, so am becoming a contented recluse.
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Boy, do I know what you're going thru. I have two children to a previous marriage, my first husband was killed. I remarried a few years later to a wonderful man that loves my two kids, and three years ago, we had a child of our own. Our daughter was born with Down Syndrome. She is beautiful and healthy. My husbands parents didn't react so well when they found our she was downs. They treated her like a sick child, they told people she had "a touch of Down Syndrome". Well, to make a long story short, we told them that we didn't want her treated differently than the other gkids. She is healthy and wonderful, and she need to be treated that way. They were angry and didn't speak to us for 8 mos. That was almost two years ago, and still to this day Alison isn't attached to her grandparents. We visit pretty often, but it is almost like they missed the bonding time when she was a baby and Alison knows it. I really hope that your mother realizes that building loving relationships with her family is too important to throw away on a stupid power struggle. If not, she will miss out on so much that can never be returned to her. I understand your frustration, but you can't make her resolve these differences. She made this decision to be angry, and she has to make the decision to get glad! You need to not be so hard on yourself. She's a grown woman with a mind of her own. Maybe you both just need a little distance right now.
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In reading your post and the follow ups I would suggest some counseling for you so you can make decisions to help all involved. I came from a very controling parent and that affected my entire life. Because my DH was stronger in common sense than myself we were very very lucky that all the kids turned out pretty darn good. My mom did buy the kids way too much, but we recognized the problem early enough that we were able to take control as parents not children of my parents. It is so easy to look back and to say if only. Because there appears to be drugs and liquor involved, I would only suggest some outside help. Sit down with your youngest and be very honest and tell him Why you do not want him to accept things from his grandparents against your wishes. As to your oldest, I really cannot give advice. Be sure and let your parents know if they give the oldest one a car and he drives and kills someone you will let the law enforcement know that they are completly responsible. The could even go to jail over this matter. And you will not bail them out. Maybe, and just maybe they will stop buying love with money. Again I would suggest professional guidanance. With hugs for the right decisions Marie
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I, too, am concerned about the dog situation. Perhaps I'm reading things that aren't there, but you said the dog was released from a pen--that sounds like it wasn't truly a 'house pet' kind of animal. Animals who spend a lot of time in pens often aren't as well socialized as those who spend all their time with the family and are much more likely to act aggressively. I'm sorry, but in a case like that, allowing the dog to run free around a 3-year-old when no one was apparently keeping an eye on the situation was a really, REALLY dangerous thing to do--the result was predictable. You also said that they sued your ins. to cover their medical bills and seemed to have a problem with with that--that's what you have insurance for. Why should the parents have footed the bill for damage your dog and your husband's carelessness caused? Your message seems to indicate that the little girl was pretty seriously hurt ('she's healed nicely' and the fact that their suit was apparently successful seem to indicate her wounds were fairly substantial). Actually, a dog bite is one of the easiest ways to get your home-owners cancelled--the companies consider that responsible pet owners have a duty to keep their pets under control, that bites are preventable. You seem to be blaming them for the cancellation--I don't know many young families today who can afford major medical bills, they probably did the only thing they could. You could, of course, prevented the claim, by offering to pay the bills yourself, right? Please consider how you would have felt years ago, if you thought someone caused harm and hurt to one of your children--you sound like you care about your children and would like to care about your gk--I imagine you'd have been pretty upset if someone else hurt one of them. Can you put yourself in the parents shoes and imagine how they might feel? I feel very badly that you're not getting to see your granddaughter as much as you'd like, but I do agree with the above poster. Some counselling would certainly be in order--for all the family--so that you can work out the many issues that your family faces. Good thoughts to you, your husband and the rest of your family. I truly hope you find the help you need to work this all out.
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sirens
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"There is to much you have to excuse or put up with to have someone in your life. I just want peace for the rest of my life, so am becoming a contented recluse."

Stargazer, I agree with you! Couldn't have said it better myself.

To the OP, it sounds like your parents cannot adjust to your being a Mom. They almost sound jealous....quite frankly, I would move on with my life and enjoy my son and husband --- if your in-laws are good to you, you are very lucky.

It isn't in your power to make your parents change - some folks just like being miserable.

Good luck to you
stargazzer
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thanks you sirens. It isn't often someone agrees with me. LOL

Distant grandparents/parents

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