My mother recently remarried. She started dating him after I had grown up and moved away. My husband and I are expecting our first child, within weeks actually, and I have had some disagreement with my mother over what our child will call her new husband, Reed. He is technically my step-father, but I am over 25, and my father is still alive. Without going into detail, no one in my mother's family agrees with her choice (due to how he treats her), but Reed is her husband, and wants to have a "grandparent-type" relationship with our child. Because our yet unborn child already has two "Grampas", and I don't have a close relationship with Reed (nor do I want to), my mother has decided that my husband's and my request that he be called "Reed", just as he is to us, no longer stands. It will hurt him, and it is also disrespectful, she says. I don't want him to have an intimate, loving title like "grandpa", if his relationship with our child is going to be as superficial as it is with us. I've read over a few comments on this page, and others that have said that children respond to genuine affection, and if so, it will not matter whether or not the first name is used. We are not telling the child not to love Reed (the step-grandfather) or treat him with the same respect as the other grandfathers. He is as welcomed as everyone else in the family, but there is a distinction between him and the biological grandfathers. I figure that by the time our baby can address Reed with a title, he/she will have chosen a name based on the affection and genuineness of the relationship between Reed and himself/herself. So, any ideas? Am I wrong in wanting our request to stand as it is for now, with the babe calling him "Reed"? Pressured in Canada

My children are older now, not babies or children, but I had the same ideas as you when they were little - limited tv, limits on sugary snacks and sweet drinks, breast feeding, etc. And, like you, my mom laughed or ignored some of them. Fast forward 20 years later, my mom appreciates the way I raised my children and she understands now why I made the choices I did. I am very, very glad I had the rules I did when my kids were young - I was right and I'm glad I held my ground. None of your choices sound extreme to me - limiting sugary snacks, limiting t.v., wanting a schedule and more time just the 3 of you, no trip to the beach at 4 months old - those are all reasonable choices. Cheri is right, your parenting ideas will change as your daughter grows. And she is right, your parents have things to contribute as grandparents. But that doesn't mean that you have to raise your children according to your parents' priorities and wishes. However, keep in mind a few things - whenever you talk about the way you want to raise your kids differently - many grandparents would see that as a criticism of how they raised you, their own child. Before you phrase things, think about how they might come across to your parents as implying that their methods were lacking. Also, be sure and make it a point to mention to your parents what they did right. My mom and I have different ideas about television, putting coke in baby bottles, etc., but my mom is also the person who taught me that when things look hopeless you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and work as hard as you can to change things. That is a gift she gave me infinitely more precious than riches or even education. Be sure and tell your parents what things they taught you that you will pass on to your children. Another suggestion that worked for us is that I told my mom that my husband wanted those rules. My mom simply ignored my rules if they were my rules, but she thinks my husband hung the moon and should have whatever he wants, so she (sometimes) listened if she thought it was my husband's wish. She did whatever she dang well pleased if it was just something I wanted. If my mom was particularly stubborn, my husband told her himself that he wanted it that way. Another thing that works well (with grandparents and babies) is to redirect. If your mom wants to take the baby somewhere, tell her no, now is not a good time, but this weekend would be great, how about then. Or if she wants to give the baby icing, tell her no, but baby loves sweet potatoes, why don't you give her that. Grandparents love to see "firsts" - first bite of chocolate, first time at the beach. Tell your parents, no, you can't take her to the beach this year, but when she's 2 you can take her and be there for her first time. You are being more than reasonable to limit tv, unhealthy snacks, limit visits to less frequently than daily or every other day, and set the expectation of higher education for your children early. Your mother is right, your daughter will express preferences of her own one day in education, food, hobbies, etc. That is still no reason not to set your standards high. If you are raising your daughter significantly different than the way you were raised, it will take years for your parents to change their minds. But when they see your daughter as a teenager, healthy and maintaining a healthy weight, doing well in school, winning awards and doing whatever extracurriculars (sports, violin, girl scouts, dance, whatever rings her bell), trust me, your parents will tell you you did your job well. I want to address something else cheri mentioned - her daughter's desire to use organic food, use cloth diapers, read to her children daily (I heartily endorse the part about reading to your children daily, by the way). The drive to be the best mom she could possibly be was strong in cheri's daughter, and even if her daughter changed her ways, she still probably has a strong drive to do her best. That drive should be honored, respected, and as much as reasonable should be indulged by grandparents. The realities of life will knock some practicality into the heads of young parents - let them have their dreams and give it their best shot. When my oldest was a baby my mother-in-law told me this, "In every young mother's life there comes a time when she has to look at her mother and say, 'Mother, you raised your kids the way you wanted, now it's my turn to raise my kids the way I want'." Be loving, be kind, include and affirm the grandparents, and let the grandparents have their way when it isn't important to you. But stand your ground with kindness on the things that matter. Everything you're asking for is reasonable and healthy for your child.

to answer: Son and daughter relationship is the best one she has here. They have a nice thing together, he is very giving of his time, He is patient and kind with his discipline, and doesnt treat her like a baby. When her mom is not around she loves to be with him, they always have a science project in the works. When mom is here, she sort of tattles on any thing she can, to make him look bad. He knows its just jealousy, and doesnt give it much attention most of the time. He patiently tries to get her to see how it isnt a cool thing to do. So yes, it looks like there are issues with son, but I don't think that is the problem at all. I am going to sound crazy, but I think every thing she does is in an effort to control her mom. She needs more attention from her, son has tried to make mom accept it, I have stayed out of that. And to be honest, she is so damn difficult, it is tough to judge the mom too much. When nother does give her time, much of it is spent arguing and whining and throwing fits to get things or go places. If she learns she gets to go to a fair or shopping the next day, she spends every minute trying to get everyone to give her money or something new to wear, and getting to go to every other fun place she can come up with, when the day comes for the fair, theres no way the outing measures up to all she tried to manipulate, and every one has a crappy time. They have come home with her crying over a not getting her way every single time, I swear this. It's just an awful ritual. And, tho I see areas where mom could do things different, as a potential mother in law, I strongly feel it is not my place to point them out. That whole thing is so fragile between women. She is in trouble with school for not completing homework, and at home for lying about doing it much of the school year. I have never seen any sign of friends. When she moved in here, I offered to let her invite someone over, picking them up, what ever it took, and told the mom the same, eventually they both said all her friends were away for the summer. My gut doesn't think so. The times I have seen her with a neighbor I was hoping would become a friend, she is controlling and gets mad enough to scream at her. She took this twice and we have not been able to get her here again. There are issues that explain her behavior, I am not sure of all of them, but the ones I feel are of concern, are things kids have always had to deal with. She needs more time with mom. My son has told the mom this lots of times. She makes at attempt for a while and it slips thru the cracks, a common thing in parenting. As for me talling her this, I strongly feel that the relationship between Mother and wife or gf is so fragile that I am not the one to give her alot of correction on her parenting. And I strongly believe, what ever the excuses are as to why this girl behaves this way, when she is in the real world, no one is going to give a rip as to why she is selfish, or steals, or critical and jealous. And when they refuse to be her friend she may not ever understand why. So, and please correct me here if I am wrong, but I hope that the belief the behavior is unaccceptable, and it doesn't matter why, is a workable theory. She has been given many chances to stop it all before the consiquences became unpleasant, she knows that, she never let up, it was always full steam ahead. I think she absolutely cannot stand to be given a rule even if its about a computer that doesnt belong to her, and she disobeys for the power of seeing if she can make you back down. She wants to control everything. Thats my gut feeling lol And I don't have a clue how to change it in her. Hope this answered things guys, I thank you, It's so nice to hear others ideas. And please know, I gotta being doing something wrong here, so telling me so or pointing out my own bad attitude or what ever you may see, will be taken as an effort to be helpful, I just want to fix this, if I have to see my own faults to do it, hey, no surprise lol thanks laurily Her life is she was raised by a very young single mother, who put herself thru dental assisting school and has managed to give them both a pretty descent life. She had a long term thing a year before my son met her. The girl has never mentioned this man or if she cared about him. My belief is that his absence gave her more time alone with her mom so she was great with it. The mom suffers guilt over working, and it's not warranted, her hours are no worse than any one else's, but going to daycare after school for an hour was a constant complaint, and she would tell every one she could how awful it was that her mom made her go. I belie

LOL Too perfect. I do think I learn more from my GD than I'm teaching her. She wanted to go to bed last night but it was too early (getting dark earlier). I try to keep her up until at least 8:00 so she doesn't wake up at 4:00 AM. She sat on Papa's lap, asked how his day was, did he have to go to work tomorrow, blah, blah, blah. Then said, "Okay. We talked. Can I just go to bed now?" Poop is very important and wonderful and everyone in the house should come look at it. The older I get, the more I agree with her. There really is a difference between a bad poop and a good poop. "Don't worry, Nana. It's only water. It will dry." Mandarin oranges really are better than those store bought ones. Just don't read the label. It is sorta fun to ride your bikes around 47 city blocks, 14 times and introduce your self to everyone who may be out in their front yard. They're usually pretty nice and then they wave at you the next day. "Don't worry, Nana. It's just a piece of cookie. The dogs will get it then you don't have to bend over." Her profound statements always start with, "Don't worry, Nana....." She's always right.