We have 5 grown kids and are a pretty close family. Our oldest son's ex wife left when their son was 4 months old. She left him with his father ( our son ) because she said she knew he would be better off with him. He moved in with us so for the past 7 years my hubby and I have been helping raise our grandson. I have had constant 24 hour care of him and he is like my own. Our son does help but he works long hours so as you can imagine, I have had constant care of him. Our son also has primary custody of him. His mother came to see him about 6 times between the time he was 4 months old and 5 years. During those times, he really didn't have much to do with her because he really didn't know her. When he was 5, she wanted to get back together with our son and give it another try so she moved back in. When she moved back in, she didn't try to take over or anything like that, as a matter of fact, she was still more interested in being able to come and go when she wanted and having "her" time to herself. She did spend time with the grandson but she wasn't really interested in becoming his full time mom. After a year, she left again. This time it hurt our grandson.When she left the first time, he didn't know her so he didn't miss her. This time he did know her and now he misses her. Since she didn't really take over as his " Mom " all he knows of her is how much fun it was when Mom would play a game with him or spend a few minutes with her. After she left this second time, she came around twice to see him for about 30 minutes each time. Both times, he cried when she left . I am at a loss on how to explain it all to him. We do not want to talk bad about her to him and we are not out to make him hate her. We want him to get older and find out for himself what type of person she is and let him make up his own mind about how he feels about her. We did finally tell her not to come around anymore if she wasn't going to be there on a steady basis. We felt it was much harder on him to see her maybe every 6 months for 30 minutes than it was to just not see her at all. A year ago she moved out of state. He doesn't cry for her too often really, but there has been a couple times. When I find him crying I ask him what's wrong and he says he misses his Mom and wants to see her. I know he wants to see her but I also know that she is not willing to see him on a steady basis. She wants to come and go only when she feels like it. She sent an email a few days ago and asked if she could take him to where she lives now for about a month this summer. He has never been away from home here and won't even spend the night with his school friends yet. He is 7 now. I want to say absolutely not on him going to stay with her for a month, but I don't know if that would be best for him. I want what's best for him no matter what my feelings are. Should I let him go? Should I wait till he is a little older ?

I might add that she is not abusive, she is just self centered. I think she likes to be able to tell everyone she is a Mom but she doesn't want the responsibility of actually being one. I am sure she could probably handle it for a month, but should we let her see him only when it's good for her ? What is best for him ?

Thanks !

I agree that you need legal advice on any out-of-state visit. With that said and based on the legal advice of an attorney, I would consider taking the boy to where the mom is if at all possible and have some supervised visitation with his mom, until you are assured his best interest is served in visiting her, I think that is the key, his best interest. You gotta make sure that the mom can offer a safe, nourishing environment during the visit and how can you possibly know this without being there yourself.

I, too, am raising a 3 year old granddaughter. Her best interest would be to be with her mother, but her mother cannot financially and emotionally support her at this particular time, for a variety of reasons, so that weighed out heavily in the court's decision.

Of course, our granddaughter's dad walked out 3 months before she was born, so we don't have that added factor.

I try to facilitate visits with our daughter, phone calls, mailings, etc.

You don't want to end up in the position of being the one "who kept him from seeing his mother." Do everything you can to facilitate his connection to his mother, have boundaries, but at the same time putting his safety, stability and well-being first and foremost, as I am sure you already do and I would tell his mother that you are doing what is in HIS best interest, not hers, not yours, but his.

What does your son think about the visit? God Bless you for taking such good care of your grandson!

This is purely from one Mimi to another......we got no manual either with this phase of our life....we just try to keep our granddaughter's best interest in mind whatever decision needs to be made, regardless.

Brenda