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Was it an implication that I put my grandson's safety at risk?

Posted by whoopitup (My Page) on
Sat, Feb 4, 12 at 16:36

I could use some insight/advice from any experienced person out there.
briefly without alot of details which I can provide upon request :
DIL gave birth to our first grandchild one month ago. Baby is fine - a boy. SHe has been experiencing P.Partum depression that came on gradually. My son is very supportive and her parents have been helping alot with the baby who has a BAD case of night and day mixed up ( not unusual). Baby lives about 45 min from us , nearer her parents.
We have always been very loving toward her and have a good relationship although it could be better. I have stopped by only twice since the birth and brought food and held the baby and tried not to stay too long. I have emailed numerous times making it VERY clear I would love to help with the baby whenever they may need me , I'm just waiting for the call. I don't give advice unless it's asked for. 2 weeks ago , the grandpa and I were asked to keep the baby as the other grandparents couldn't that night and the parents were exhausted and the mom was having a particularly bad time of depression. We gladly helped ( even tho I had to go to work the next day , my husband is retired and he helped during the night). Our son was the one who lined it up at the last minute , and brought the baby to us with some very quick instructions. The baby is bottle-fed. We did fine with our grandson - and he actually slept longer and pooped more under our care. I kept a log of everything we did , when fed , when pooped, when slept, etc.- for the mom to have.
A few days later, I sent a very nice email addressed to both my son and DIL - saying how much we enjoyed the baby, but sorry it was under the circumstances - but it's surely nothing to be ashamed of and we hope and pray (mom) gets better real soon - just all loving words - and I sent a couple of photos of the baby at our house. One was of him laying in the "play and go" with a stuffed monkey I had made,sitting beside him and an "I love Grandma" blanket on him that I had made. I innocently sent this pic to them.
When he slept here, I did not have the monkey in there with him and I kept the blanket way down just covering his lower legs. He was on his back/side just as our son had instructed us to do and prop him that way. But our son had given us a little bassinet thing that they keep him in in their bed at night. He didn't say specifically that this is where he needed to sleep when we had him. We made sure when we laid him in the 'play and go ' that his face was clear of any loose cloth etc. He doesnt' even move when he's put in a position.
The next day , after the photos and email were sent, my son sent me an email - and all it was was a forward from the baby's mom to my son and then to me ( indirect) and it was a list of the guidelines to prevent SIDS. No note, no thank you, no response to my mail - just this. I didn't know how to respond. So I didn't respond. Still haven't. It hurt me so. Was she implying that I put the baby at risk? Was she thinking I compromised his safety while in my care??? Oh my, this is a precious baby , my grandson ! And my husband and I were so attentive to him. I believe my son was just the go-between for the email. I have let this really get to me in last few weeks. If she had only just written a little sweet note with it, I would have received it gladly. We met with our son for dinner recently and I did not bring it up. He mentioned how she is still having problems and that the baby is her life right now. But he brought the baby with him to dinner and we got to hold him. She didn't come and there was some reason he gave. We have not even talked or had any communication to or from the mom in weeks. I'm tired of emailing her and getting no response. Yes, she's having some postpartum stuff and wasn't able to breastfeed - but is that really an excuse to be so rude and ungrateful toward us. Her family has just taken over helping with the baby and I don't see where we fit in. I love being a helper ! My husband and I have not offered any more and decided to just lay low and give it time. But the idea of her implying that I put the child at risk for SIDS has really done a number on me.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Was it an implication that I put my grandson's safety at risk

I would suggest that your DIL get some professional help. She appears to have a bad case of some type of depression. Please have your son talk to her OB Doc. or social services at the hospital, or ??? She appears to be quite concerned about SIDS< and may feel that something will happen and she could be blamed for it. Please, don't worry about whether she responds in writing or emails about thanking you for what you did or did not do. That IS NOT the problem Yes with 4 granddaughters and 3 greats, I to have been some of this and Yes it did hurt me, but looking back, I wish I had handled things different. It was NOT about me, but it was about the Mom and baby. Another thing, find out if she has had any friends who have lost babies. Or has she seen any movies, about what to do for SIDS. Look for the the reasons not the actions. Talk to your son, etc. I wish all of you the best.
Do any of you go to church? If so, if you feel confortable talk to either the Pastor or some others in the church, unless there is no religous connnection with your children and church. Just be very carefull.
Hope this helps.


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RE: Was it an implication that I put my grandson's safety at risk

You should not have mentioned her illness at all in your email to her. You say one pleasant thing and then give her a zinger. "We enjoyed having the baby" was fine, but then you say "sorry about the circumstances". Don't be ashamed(imply there is shame),pray she gets better, etc. Not nice things to say to a women who has PPD. Don't write any more emails to your son or dil. She isn't thinking clearly right now. You aren't helping the matter with the emails. Talk to your son either face to face or on the phone. Politely ask your son if your dil is receiving help for her PPD and let it go at that. Thank him for the SIDS info. I don't think she was rude to you at all. She is suffering from a very real illness. As the other poster said...it is Not about you. Don't try and make it so. NancyLouise


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RE: Was it an implication that I put my grandson's safety at risk

somehow we grandparents with sons don't have a chance...so i don't ask, i'm told when we can see the kids of ds2...

our older ds1 it's easier to be involved as we were the grandparents of choice (other gma was working)

don't take it to heart, speak when spoken to and pray her ppd is being cared for and she recovers quickly...do as the other ladies suggest...

in case you might be interested look at the book written by marie osmond...it might help you understand...


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