They live about 5 hours from us. They visited us in April 2001. We visited them in July 2001. We have not seen them since. We planned on spending Christmas with them but they had to cancel because of some work at my dad's office. We were planning to go visit them this weekend, but they've cancelled again. They have a good reason this time so I do understand.

They rarely call. At one point a couple years ago, I started counting the number of telephone conversations I had with my dad when he didn't ask about my kids. My son was 3 and my daughter was only a few months old. I think I got up to 8 conversations before I finally broke down and told him about it and how much it bothered me. Now he usually remembers to inquire about how they're doing.

When we do see them, there always seems to be something critical said. From "innocent" comments like "Don't worry -- ALL children manipulate their parents" to more confrontational situations like "We're concerned that you're not willing to discuss to Mary's problems."

My husband and I are firm parents and our children are very bright and well-behaved. Daycare teachers, babysitters and friends talk about my son's good manners, his long attention span and his ability to learn; they talk about the special spark in my daughter's eyes, her energy and joy, how quickly she's learning potty-training, etc.

Their other grandparents (my mother and my in-laws) realize that these kids are special and do take time for them even though they're farther away.

I know that my dad and stepmom have their own lives to live and I don't fault them for thinking they're too busy. I was very close to both of them (especially my dad), but this has been driving a wedge in our relationship since my son was born. It just hurts my heart that they're missing out on a fantastic relationship with some really wonderful children.

Is there anything I can do to spark an interest?

If you feel that this is driving a wedge in your relationship with your dad, then I suggest you take a good look at yourself. It is YOU that is driving the wedge, not what you perceive as HIS disinterest. Sorry to sound blunt, but that is the way it sounds to me. Accept your father as he is.

By the way, very few people would find details about how fast your child is being potty trained or how long the other ones attention span is, very interesting. I don't think I could manage to even pretend interest.

I'm not saying this is the case of the original poster... but this is the case of many divorced dads who remarry.

I will take Aileen's response to heart. It probably is my fault for driving the wedge -- but I can't imagine how I wouldn't feel hurt. You know the love and pride a mother feels for her children. But with a little more time and evaluation, I'm sure I'll be able to accept the situation and try to fix the relationship.

I hate to seem defensive, but I did want to explain one thing ... I don't talk to my parents (or others) about potty-training and attention spans. I guess I wrote those words to try to explain that my kids don't have behavior problems. If they were out-of-control or bratty, I might be able to understand the lack of interest.

The divorce question is interesting. I lived with my dad after the divorce and have been very close to both him and my stepmom. I'm also close to my step-siblings so I know that it's not just me -- grandpa and grandma seem to have little interest in her natural grandchildren either.

Thanks again for your comments. I look forward to hearing any other views out there.

I'm learning a lot as I get older about relationships with parents and in-laws and such. Often when someone complains about how rude the in-laws or they're parents have become and totally blame the parents, they don't stop to think and look at what they are doing. Like someone will say how they're parents never call or come to visit, however they fail to mention that they don't call they're parents or ever go see them. (I'm not saying this is the case, it's an example). Like you say that the grandfather doesn't mention or ask about the kids~do you usually just come out and tell him? Could this just be his nature? Is he a talker or a listener? who keeps the convertsation going the most? Was your father happy to know you were having kids, getting married, etc? There is something that is the reason for all this. Take a close look at things and try to figure it out. Ask your Mom if your father was interested in you as you were growing up or more later on? Some people don't like little kids and only grow closer to they're children as they get older. I hope you figure it out soon so you can feel better about the situation.

Oh, and here's something else I've learned about that really works~TALK to your Dad and get to the bottom of it. Ask why he's the way he is and get him to be totally honest. Be prepared for what may come, however. Too many people keep they're mouths shut and won't talk today about they're problems and then wonder why things are the way they are. Lots of relationships, marriages, friendships and such have broken up just because of the lack of communication. You don't want that to happen with you and your father.

~Leslie~

Sarah in the UK

I doubt your parents, neither dad nor his wife, are trying to be hurtful. Not all of us are meant to be caregivers for our entire lifespans. Some of us do the very best we can with utter attention and devotion to raise our own families, then we feel like we're done, and want to move on to other things in life. Just enjoy your babies. Appreciate every age and every stage. Maybe some day you, too, will want to be more removed from childrearing. You never know.
j

Maybe you can take all the kids for an outing and give her a day off every month, or every week, and then trade kids for a day, or take your kids over, and stay, and all do something together. She needs help from you, in both of your roles - as her daughter, and as a mother.

You have an amazing mother, willing to make such a sacrifice for her family, and give those kids the only chance they'll probably ever have for a decent life. You must be very proud of her.