This weekend, my husband was at work, I had one baby sleeping,and my little girl was upstairs playing. I was in my pyjamas writing an essay for a course I am taking. I saw their car pull up, and I feel terrible, but I didn't answer the door, I just stayed with my little girl in her room. After they knocked, I could hear them testing the door to see if it was open. They have also gone in the back laneway to see if my car is in the garage. I am a private person, and I like to be prepared (house clean, something to serve). I don't want to be mean, but we are such busy people, we can't really accomodate them all the time, and the drop-ins are driving me nuts. My MIL and I don't have a close relationship by any means, but we're civil. I don't want to make it worse than it already is, and my husband is useless - when he finally does say something about any issues with them, he goes over the top and makes matters worse. I just wanted some advice from some Grandparents out there on how to handle this.

Good luck!

Magdelena

P.S. I'm not a grandparent-- they might have a different take on it and better advice for you.

Have you outright asked them to stop the unannounced visits?

We had one and made some somewhat subtle comments which seem to have stopped the habit. But hubby knows that if it ever becomes a problem he will have to say something (he knows that if he doesn't I will).

Perhaps you could say something to them. For example, the day you were in you jammies, what if you had answered the door and just said "As you can see, a visit really isn't convenient now. In the future please call before coming to avoid a wasted trip."

Any chance that would work?

Have you outright asked them to stop the unannounced visits?

We had one and made some somewhat subtle comments which seem to have stopped the habit. But hubby knows that if it ever becomes a problem he will have to say something (he knows that if he doesn't I will).

Perhaps you could say something to them. For example, the day you were in you jammies, what if you had answered the door and just said "As you can see, a visit really isn't convenient now. In the future please call before coming to avoid a wasted trip."

Any chance that would work?

Any way you handle this, it could get tense, just be polite and direct.

On UN-announced visits, I point to the kettle and remind them where the cups are, continue with lunch if that is what we are doing without making an offer, DD is wearing her play clothes and more often than not covered in paint or dry-erase marker, and I am in my grubbies. I continue to clean or fold laundry, while carrying on a conversation with no eye contact or from a distance if that is necessary. I may even ask them to move something for me, hold something, or assign them part of the chore.

Some people don't mind it, others are offended by it. Those who are offended call the next time. Those who are not start pitching in themselves without being asked ROFL. Either way, you win.

I know that MILs are in a different class, but maybe if you accepted her dropping in as you would a neighbor, it might be easier to handle.

You really don't need to have the house clean, nor do you need to have something to serve. Relax, it makes the time pass faster. And I would like to remind you that should you or your husband become seriously ill and need help...these are the people that you will have to rely on. It happens more often than you think, and if they don't feel welcome in your house now, it will be difficult then.

I speak from experience on this. My DIL made it very plain that she did not enjoy having us in her house. So we went as little as possible. Then she developed lymphoma. To her horror, the only people that she could depend on to take care of her house, children and husband was her MIL and FIL. It was a very bitter pill for her to swallow. She died last week at the age of 40 and her MIL was the one to see that her children were dressed and ready for her funeral. My guess is that she did not rest easy in her casket.

Linda, you say "If you have a good and loving relationship with the woman who raised your husband, you could learn to think of her as a friend and not just a nuisance who interrupted your day."

That's a *big* if. I bet that if her best friend stopped by unannounced repeatedly and tried Sandman's locks as her ILs do, Sandman would set her friend straight in a hurry. She's asking for advice in dealing with this behavior from her ILs because she knows her ILs will be sensitive about it and she's trying to give them the special treatment they merit.

Aileen, I'm glad for you that you had the final word with your DIL, and your story makes me think. My MIL has gotten the message that she's not welcome here (although her son is the one who objects most, but as the DIL I get the bad rap) and maybe my MIL'll get to have the final word, too. She has *zero* positive to say to us, and when we object to her acerbic comments, she says we're too sensitive. I can't speak for DH, but yes, ma'am, I am too sensitive. I'm too sensitive to swim in hydrochloric acid, I'm too sensitive to sleep in fire, I'm too sensitive to have open-heart surgery without anaesthetic, and I'm way too sensitive to be around MIL.