What would you do? Is this normal "new grandparent behavior"?

Thanks!

-Angelique

Our daughter lives 1 mile from us and has 3 of our grandchildren but we do not visit unless invited, no dropping by unexpected. They have the right to live their life the same as we did in our earlier years. I ask minimum questions. This is my "daughter" but it is the same with our sons/daughter-in-laws too.

Our daughter did not want help after babies were born and I honored that. She did not want anyone in the labor room execpt her husband and we honored that even tho nurses told me I could go back there.

Our children need space to breathe and it is up to parents/grandparents to give them the space. Our daughter brings the babies over to see us every week and off and on invites us for dinner. We invite them over off and on also. Our house has an open door to all our children and they know they can come at any time but we prefer to honor our children with private lives if they desire.

Naturally when the granddaughters visit we have a "tea party" or a "party meal". Fun for all.

Marie

Anyway-- I just had a little advice for the OP: be gentle with your MIL, remember that just as you are learning how to be a mother, she is learning how to be a grandmother. You said that she's a very sweet person-- so we have to assume that her motives are good and she is not intentionally aggravating you. She's probably excited and so nervous about doing it "right" that she is really being over the top! As for coming over-- she might have thought you would be nervous about being alone with the baby for the first time. Ask her what it was like for her when she first became a mother-- my mom had never been around babies and was SCARED TO DEATH-- your MIL might be trying to help you past whatever roughspots she remembers. As for all the questions-- were the two of you close before the baby? Could she be trying to get closer to you? Again, from my own experience-- my mom was afraid she wouldn't see us after the baby was born (that we would be too busy, etc.). Your MIL might be afraid of the same thing-- especially as the mother of a SON (you know, "a daughter's a daughter for the rest of her life, a son is a son 'til he takes a wife"). She might be wanting to be closer to you and to really be an involved grandparent and is just going about it clumsily. You live 1.5 hrs. from your MIL-- how far from your parents? Are you close with your parents? Could she be compensating for them not being around? Or could your closeness with them be adding to her fear that she will be "squeezed out"?
I have a friend who was in a similar situation (2 hrs from MIL). Her MIL invited herself over to STAY THE WEEKEND for the first month or so-- my friend was just about to really say something to her, when it just kind of worked itself out. Now, knowing my friend, I think she might have made a few off-hand comments... But 1.5 hrs is a long way to drive-- your in-laws aren't likely to make visits a daily occurrence.

So-- I don't guess that I gave you much actual advice, except that if you can figure out what might be motivating her behavior, you have a better shot at helping her get what she's looking for without driving you nuts.

I wish you luck!! Let us know how it goes!!

Magdelena

Let them come. Tell them the truth. You appreciate them thinking of you but you are not ready to leave the baby with anyone yet. Be gracious and let them know that you appreciate their offer and that you will take them up on it in a few months. You will probably be ready by then. I bet your MIL would be happy to help in any way you ask. My MIL did laundry, ran out to the supermarket, etc. when my babies were born. She did not expect to be entertained when my babies were very new. If you ask nicely and are appreciative of the help I bet they will do whatever you ask. But I WOULD let her spend some time with the baby while she visits. After all a new grandchild is SOOOOO special.

If your MIL is generally nice then I would assume good motives. She loves you, she loves your husband and she loves your daughter. She doesn't know how to be a grandmother any more than you know how to be a mother. You will both need to learn. You can do it together.

Regarding health. The older generation is much more obsessive about that kind of stuff compared to the younger generation. I had to lay the law down to my MIL. She is generally a very sweet, loving person, but she started the same nonsense about appointments and I finally had to tell her that I would keep her updated on the baby's progress but that I wasn't going to call her about every appointment for the rest of his life. She has always respected that. But unless I set the boundaries she would still be calling me and asking how many onces the baby gained. The baby is 8 now.

Mommabear