My children are older now, not babies or children, but I had the same ideas as you when they were little - limited tv, limits on sugary snacks and sweet drinks, breast feeding, etc. And, like you, my mom laughed or ignored some of them. Fast forward 20 years later, my mom appreciates the way I raised my children and she understands now why I made the choices I did. I am very, very glad I had the rules I did when my kids were young - I was right and I'm glad I held my ground. None of your choices sound extreme to me - limiting sugary snacks, limiting t.v., wanting a schedule and more time just the 3 of you, no trip to the beach at 4 months old - those are all reasonable choices. Cheri is right, your parenting ideas will change as your daughter grows. And she is right, your parents have things to contribute as grandparents. But that doesn't mean that you have to raise your children according to your parents' priorities and wishes. However, keep in mind a few things - whenever you talk about the way you want to raise your kids differently - many grandparents would see that as a criticism of how they raised you, their own child. Before you phrase things, think about how they might come across to your parents as implying that their methods were lacking. Also, be sure and make it a point to mention to your parents what they did right. My mom and I have different ideas about television, putting coke in baby bottles, etc., but my mom is also the person who taught me that when things look hopeless you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and work as hard as you can to change things. That is a gift she gave me infinitely more precious than riches or even education. Be sure and tell your parents what things they taught you that you will pass on to your children. Another suggestion that worked for us is that I told my mom that my husband wanted those rules. My mom simply ignored my rules if they were my rules, but she thinks my husband hung the moon and should have whatever he wants, so she (sometimes) listened if she thought it was my husband's wish. She did whatever she dang well pleased if it was just something I wanted. If my mom was particularly stubborn, my husband told her himself that he wanted it that way. Another thing that works well (with grandparents and babies) is to redirect. If your mom wants to take the baby somewhere, tell her no, now is not a good time, but this weekend would be great, how about then. Or if she wants to give the baby icing, tell her no, but baby loves sweet potatoes, why don't you give her that. Grandparents love to see "firsts" - first bite of chocolate, first time at the beach. Tell your parents, no, you can't take her to the beach this year, but when she's 2 you can take her and be there for her first time. You are being more than reasonable to limit tv, unhealthy snacks, limit visits to less frequently than daily or every other day, and set the expectation of higher education for your children early. Your mother is right, your daughter will express preferences of her own one day in education, food, hobbies, etc. That is still no reason not to set your standards high. If you are raising your daughter significantly different than the way you were raised, it will take years for your parents to change their minds. But when they see your daughter as a teenager, healthy and maintaining a healthy weight, doing well in school, winning awards and doing whatever extracurriculars (sports, violin, girl scouts, dance, whatever rings her bell), trust me, your parents will tell you you did your job well. I want to address something else cheri mentioned - her daughter's desire to use organic food, use cloth diapers, read to her children daily (I heartily endorse the part about reading to your children daily, by the way). The drive to be the best mom she could possibly be was strong in cheri's daughter, and even if her daughter changed her ways, she still probably has a strong drive to do her best. That drive should be honored, respected, and as much as reasonable should be indulged by grandparents. The realities of life will knock some practicality into the heads of young parents - let them have their dreams and give it their best shot. When my oldest was a baby my mother-in-law told me this, "In every young mother's life there comes a time when she has to look at her mother and say, 'Mother, you raised your kids the way you wanted, now it's my turn to raise my kids the way I want'." Be loving, be kind, include and affirm the grandparents, and let the grandparents have their way when it isn't important to you. But stand your ground with kindness on the things that matter. Everything you're asking for is reasonable and healthy for your child.

In reading your post and the follow ups I would suggest some counseling for you so you can make decisions to help all involved. I came from a very controling parent and that affected my entire life. Because my DH was stronger in common sense than myself we were very very lucky that all the kids turned out pretty darn good. My mom did buy the kids way too much, but we recognized the problem early enough that we were able to take control as parents not children of my parents. It is so easy to look back and to say if only. Because there appears to be drugs and liquor involved, I would only suggest some outside help. Sit down with your youngest and be very honest and tell him Why you do not want him to accept things from his grandparents against your wishes. As to your oldest, I really cannot give advice. Be sure and let your parents know if they give the oldest one a car and he drives and kills someone you will let the law enforcement know that they are completly responsible. The could even go to jail over this matter. And you will not bail them out. Maybe, and just maybe they will stop buying love with money. Again I would suggest professional guidanance. With hugs for the right decisions Marie

Ok...well I thought I would give my thoughts...you are so right...there is no reason for jealousy because how could any parent not want the grandparents to love their child... But here is where the reptile...a snake in this case spits venom....when a DIL sees that her children may lean more favorable to their husbands mother...that is a no-no.....in my case, I am the more fun grandmother...my grandchildren gravitate to me when around both grandparents.... My DIL hates it and likely me as well...and for this reason...she just backed off in our lives...our son basically goes with her flow...so we are grandparents with a lot of love to give but only when we initiate a time with them....my son only comes over with his family on a holiday or a meal is involved...but I have had some foot issues in the last couple of years...not as active...and just had surg. To correct these issues...no visit...DIL or son has not gone out for a card for the kids to send...nothing ever nevrr... This got worse when DIL's mother left her husband and moved to the area...she used me for years as a babysitter...hated to see any attention her children gave me or me to them...she did not seem that interested in her own grandmother...so maybe that was the telltale sign of who she is.. While it takes a village, I am no village idiot...I know when I am being rejected....now my other DIL is expecting and I can tell it will be the same way...she knows how close my grandchildren were to me...she has a mother..she will protect her mothers best interest...I have decided to just let it be.... I am not going to put myself out there for anymore hurt...life is too short...and I am dealing with other issues in my own home to worry about someone elses....she is the most controlling person I have ever seen...she is even trying to control what people buy the baby for the baby shower tomorrow...which thankfully I am not attending.. I refuse to show up in a boit cast and crutches only 3 wks from surgery for this woman...its not the babys day yet...its still hers...I bought some great gifts for the baby, but was told that she told her own mother if she did not get the right item, she would take it back... I even hesitate to give these items to her....for fear it will not be to her liking....never mind they are very nice items....this is just what my sons went out into the world and married...the total opposite of their mother....

Some people do not have the energy to deal with toddlers. I was with a friend with children the same age as your toddlers, and it is exhausting and all consuming. The two year old kept running to the stairs (even though the child could not do stairs) and the mom kept bringing the child to another area to play, but the child kept trying to go on back to the stairs. When the mom would pick the child up, the child would kick and scream and cry (AKA a major temper tantrum) returning again and again for the stairs. The mom was trying to visit with friends, and have a conversation, and the child made this impossible. At the same time, she was trying to keep and eye on her 3 year old who kept wandering off. Some people just do not enjoy babies and toddlers, and do not feel comfortable being responsible for someone else's toddlers. Friends would take turns watching each others toddler, while the other ran errands. After doing it a few times, it stopped, as the one child would scream for the entire 2 hours. No amount of distraction or toys helped. One of the friends said that the few hour break was not worth the price of having to return the favor and watch a child who cried so much. Toddlers take enormous energy, and you have to focus on them every minute. It is one thing when they are your children. It is another thing entirely when they belong to someone else. Trust her and try not to take it personally. Several years from now (5 or so) if they still leave your children out, then you may want to talk to them. But for now, don't force your toddlers on someone who is not willing. Perhaps you can do somethings with them bringing the toddlers, so that a relationship begins to develop, but you are there to help if your children cry or wander off. At some point, they may feel up to the challenge of an outing with one or both of your young children. This may have "nothing" to do with their step child versus your children, and have everything to do with the fact that some people are uncomfortable with babies and toddlers. Wait and see as your children become more self sufficient (around age 7-8) if they are included. If they are not, then I imagine it will be their loss. Many people simply do not have the energy to enjoy taking such young children out on outings. The others are right in that with the toddlers along, they would be unable to focus on the older grandchild. You yourself must know many parents who cannot even go out to dinner and actually enjoy it with toddlers. The child wants out of the high chair, and then is running around the restaurant, or will not go in the high chair and is crying if made to sit in a high chair. Or one of the parents is walking around outside with the toddler, while the other parent finishes eating., etc. Not a relaxing dinner out by any stretch of the imagination, for anyone. So again, try not to take it personally right now. Respect their discomfort being responsible for someone else's toddlers, and do not try and force them into something they are clearly uncomfortable with.