No good deed goes unpunished!

18 years ago

My middle daughter (45) married again - she had divorced her first husband - he was an alcoholic and sadly died of cirrhosis after the divorce (he had know he was dying but didnt tell anyone) They had 2 children - a girl now 18 and a boy now 15.

The second husband moved in while husband no.1 was still alive. Only this year did both my gchildren tell me that no.2 had been hitting the little boy (then 10) and no.1 had asked social workers to investigate. The children were told to say nothing.

No 2 comes from another country - he has managed to get my daughter to remortgage the house (which was paid for) to buy 2 properties in his country (supposedly for a holiday investment scheme) - now his family live in the houses.

My daughter had a lovely baby boy (now 2). Husband 2 will not go out to work - he is supposed to have a uni.degree which could be converted to UK standards if he passed some basic exams in English 0 although he has been here for over 10 years he refuses to do this.

OK so none of this is my business.

But every year since he moved in - the eldest gchaildren have left home temporarily because of his behaviour. My grandson has told me that he will kill him if he touches him again. Sometimes my daughter asks us to have him 'while things cool down'. He came to us before Christmas and again a couple of weeks ago. He is a lovely boy - studious, a loner, still grieving for his father.

He went back last week when my daughter decided to stay home for a while to try to sort things out.

Now - we are the baddies - she wont speak to us or allow the kids to apeak to us. It seems so unfair. She didnt even say thankyou or sorry.

How can I put this behind me (me 68 dh70)? Now I'm questioning everyone my daughter had told us about no.1 and feel so guilty.

Comments (3)

lizql
18 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sometimes you just have to detach yourself. My DD and I went through basically the same thing. My grandaughter is 5. I haven't seen her in two years. In that time there was a lot of grandma bashing. My DD calls every once in awhile and speaks of my grandaughter but I don't talk to the grandaughter. Part of me realizes that we will never have a relationship so why bother. Another part of me doesn't want to put hope of seeing grandma in my grandaughter. There is no perfect answer here. Sometimes you just have to walk away. I have and it is easier than you think. Yes, I still think about her, hope she's ok, and trust that some of the good values I instilled in her mother are still there somewhere. Just a little background, my DD and the baby moved in with us after a seperation from her husband. They lived with us for two years. In that time my DD ran up over 6k in bills that we had to pay.Our name. She had a hard time finding a job and when she did she then wanted to play and let mom take care of the baby. In that time baby and grandma got very close. Only grandma could do it. Once my DD met a man, off she went. Left us with the bills and disapeared.Left that man who told us about the grandma bashing. That baby wanted grandma so mom had to make up something. No phone calls, nothing for two years. Out of the blue, she called a few months ago, whining about her awful life. I believe she made her own bed.
kathy2533
18 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm in a similar nightmare now. My husband & I have pretty much raised our granddaughter since she was 5 weeks old. She is now four & 1/2 years old. My daughter is a lair, thief, & has been turning aggressive for some time. About a month ago she attacked me after calling me filthy names. The father of the kids got tired of the aggression, the drinking the pills, the stealing (7600 dollars out of his account) & the lying, he found another woman & ran for Florida. For seven weeks I baby sat for her son along with raising her daughter. The boy is large, he smells bad all the time, he has no manners, (blows nose on his clothes) he's three & 1/2 years old, not potty trained, has the biggest, worse smelling poopy. Talking to this child is like talking to drift wood. Not only is my daughter lazy but there is something terribly wrong with this child. He weights in at fifty some pounds & I am only 97 pounds. (He wears me out lifting him) My mother & I got together & got an appointment to have him evaluated. Mom took her cause I had my granddaughter & she lied to my Mom & said they SAID nothing was wrong with him. A few weeks later I get a phone call from them saying she & the boy missed the 2 hour evaluation. (Pull my hair out) I was only supposed to watch him for a day, which turned into seven weeks & she still wasn't even looking. (slit wrists) I have been taxiing her to work, stores, everywhere. (run cold water over bleeding wrists) This night I ask her why she wasn't looking for a sitter? Suddenly I'm a bad grandparent, we'd had a prior fight about her rent, I told her she needed to pay her own rent, she makes enough money, where was all her money going? She sure wasn't paying for a sitter, or food during the day, or gas & I didn't ask her to. I just wanted her to help herself. She went bonkers trying to spin it like I'm the bad grandparent, (this is a girl who we had in college, bought a new T-bird for she had everything I wish I'd had when I was a kid. She meets the father drops out of school, totals out the T-bird & turns up pregnant) Proceeds to dump the baby on me, which I took her, then gets pregnant again & wasn't happy when I informed her she wasn't dumping that one on me.) Anyway she is spoiled & thinks we owe her a living, she doesn't learn from her mistakes but faults others for them. I told her she was no longer welcome at our house after she attacked me. She comes takes my baby & now says we will never see her again. What a joy my daughter has turned out to be. I still see my granddaughter at my mothers, & she told me her mother locked her in the garage in the dark. She cries that she wants to come home with me & Papa, she cries for me all the time. She said Nana you got to do something, you got to try. (She talks like an old lady sometimes, I love it) So I called Child protective services. That was like 3 weeks ago, & I'm still waiting, in the mean time she has been evicted, & is due in court for a DUI. The girl lost her license years ago, has a DUI & is now driving a friends van.
It's a crazy world & I keep thinking with time she will have enough rope & hang herself (I mean that in legal terms of keeps getting in trouble) & I will be able to bring my granddaughter back home to the only stability she has ever known. Her court date for the DUI is Tuesday. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Westwinger, I feel for you!! My guess is that the children's father may not have been abusive either... My DH's ex took the kids from him and moved back in with her parents. Then she started making up allegations of abuse. After I came into the picture, she accused him of sexually abusing his daughter and drugging his son. She has since married and had a child with her new hubby. He thinks that my DH is an abusive/child molesting b*st*rd, and he (ex's hubby) helps her keep the children from my DH. (He hasn't seen them in nearly 3 1/2 years.) When things go down the toilet with them (which I'm sure they will) he will be in for a rude awakening. My Hubby is much like you, a hard working, good man who just wants to come home at the end of the day to a clean house and a hot meal (and a happy, well looked after family). Some women just suck. (To put it really eloquently). If she is already making those types of comments (about abuse) be prepared for anything. Consider keeping a running log of your activities (where you are and when)...especially if you split. You never know if/when she might accuse you of something, and if you keep a clear/concise log, you will be able to show it to police/judges if necessary. I really do mean be prepared for *anything*. In the last three and a half years, We have received over a dozen calls & visits from the RCMP, because of her false accusations. (Everything from child abuse (at the last visit) and stalking, to arson and B&E (we both got finger printed for the B&E). She even got an emergency protection order against him (including the seizure of his hunting equipment) based on false pretenses...he was away working, when he was "witnessed" at her house. If it does get that messy (I really hope it doesn't) remember to always be polite/respectful to the police (DH appologizes to them when they call, and explains that he's in a messy access dispute, and every time we get close to going into court, she does this..."I'm sorry that she is doing this again. I know how busy you guys are already."). The police are smart...if you are decent to them, they get to realize where the problems lie. (They still have to follow up on every complaint...but they get to be very good to deal with. They also understand that it's very frusterating for you.) Whatever you do, don't move out. (It may be tempting, but it weighs heavily against you when/if you go into court.) It may also be helpful to get a mini recorder and keep it with you. (Check your local laws, for useability.) In some states/provinces recordings are admissible as long as one party involved in the conversation is aware of the recording. In other states/provinces, both parties must be aware for it to be admissible. If only you have to be aware, then you may be able to get some good evidence for court. You might be surprised what stupid, self incriminating evidence can be said in the heat of the moment. If you do get something on tape make sure you log the date and time when the conversation took place. (DH's ex told him she was going to make him pay, make him hurt, that he was never going to see his kids again because he didn't deserve them if he wasn't with her, and when she accused him of sexually abusing his daughter she said expressed her anger (with colorful language) at his decision to file for joint custody, and then tacked on the accusation. Unfortunatly, we learned too late that we needed a tape recorder, and never got any of it...without a recording, it's just a bunch of 'he says/she says' and the courts, almost without fail, go in favor of the mother. You have an uphill battle ahead of you, no matter what you decide, but I'm glad to hear you have such good support from your staff. They must really care about you. Take comfort in the knowledge that you are a good man. Things may get worse before they get better, but they *will* get better. With kind thoughts, Verena "It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence to be ever in view and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words, 'And this, too, shall pass away.' How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction." -Abraham Lincoln, addressing the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society in 1859.
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Oh Dotmom, don't get me started on tapes! And I know you will feel my pain on this one. Back when I first got a VCR I started taping the Justin Wilson cooking shows. I had virtually every one of them taped for his Cookin' Cajun series and the Outdoor series. Loaned them out. Never to be seen again. And it's not on the air anymore. I've only found a couple episodes on the internet. Don't know whether to cry, spit nails or throw a puppy through a fan but I know I'll never loan an original again. Tough, tough way to learn a lesson. Had they not lived so far away I would only have loaned some of them at a time but I shudda gone with my gut! OTOH, I borrowed a tape from a friend one time and the remote on the VCR was acting up. I went to press rewind and it triggered record so it taped over about 10 seconds of the opening credits. I felt awful. But I owned up to it and told him about it. Rightly so he was beside himself upset and I asked what I can do to make it right. Well I just had to live with being reminded of it for a week or so. No bad. I got off easy. I guess I don't understand why people won't just admit when they goof up? Take your licks, make it right if you can. I just don't understand it. And then when people have borrowed CDs and they come back scratched all to... If they come back. That's why whenever I set up rules at companies, one of the first is no originals leave the secured area. Copies only or it's installed there. Every time that rule was violated, there were lost CDs.
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Bruising is receeding and still no evidence that a great amount of tissue will be lost. Not eating more than 10% of normal amount but drinking twice as much water. At 12 years old it might be a long time before returning to normal. We are just thankful they saved her. Thank you for asking.
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I want to tell my union story. I was a member of the teacher's union for years, just paying my dues. My school district got into its head that nurses should also teach in order to maximize their value to the district, so I was assigned a bunch of health classes which amounted to several hours a day. One was an over-enrolled K class of students who mostly knew no English. That one was a nightmare, the kids ran around, the administrators said it was my problem, I knew not enough Spanish to keep order and safety let alone teach health. Not a lot of thought was put into nursing, and teachers would send sick kids into my classroom while I was teaching. So then the poor secretary was forced into being the nurse while I taught, and there were some pretty unfortunate issues, like a child with a fracture being sent back to class with an ice pack, that arose out of this although I know she tried her best. After a serious asthma emergency that was mishandled by the office, I called the union. Please note that I am extremely hard working, got to work at 7AM daily so that any parents who needed a conference before they went to work could have one, rarely took a lunch out of the clinic because my opinion is that students don't become ill on a schedule and I wanted to be there when they did, and I rarely refused a request, but this shoddily arranged teaching assignment seemed headed for disaster and I did not know what to do, the school administrators just wanted to show their bosses that they were following the latest edict. The union took care of the issue and my teaching assignment was rescinded. I dare any one of you to fault either me or the union for what was done. To me, the union was a life saver, not only mine but I was sure that there would be a fatal disaster involving one of the students sooner or later if the situation continued. I don't see how anyone could fault them.
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debra7167_hotmail_com
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
my daughter just married a man that stole my credit card and he is moving her to gorgia, she has a 6 yr old daughter that is very close to me. he is 40 and she is 27. he has been mmarried 3 x and i have talked to his x and she told me he has a bad drinking problem and has stolen 10,000 or more from his dad and other people.i am very scared for my daughter and grandaughter.will u all pray for them.ty

No good deed goes unpunished!

Comments (3)

lizql

kathy2533

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