There are a thousand different ways to handle this. :-) Marriage does change things in some respects, because state laws stipulate what assets remains premarital property and what becomes owned jointly.

A couple of thoughts:
- The deed to the house establishes ownership; the mortgage is just a secured loan which pays for that deed. There can be different names on the deed and the mortgage. I wouldn't do anything about this now; I'm just clarifying a common point of confusion.
- If at least one of you tracks his/her budget -- or is willing to do so -- it won't be hard to keep track of income and expenses, and you might find it simpler and cheaper to pay expenses out of your individual accounts rather than deal with the logistics of a small combined account.
- You're old enough (no offense :-)) to understand the power of money on people. Your girlfriend earns less than you do and will be moving into your house. Be aware that this creates a situation in which it's very easy for her to feel somewhat marginalized because it is not really her home and she does not earn as much money. On the other hand, does she feel it is fair to kick in 50% on most expenses if she earns only 2/3 of what you do? Does she feel she should contribute less because she makes less?
- You don't say if your girlfriend has a house which will need to be maintained and/or sold; that will come with a budget of its own which must be addressed. Also, I'm not sure why you would want to split up who pays property taxes and insurance when you clearly can handle those payments along with the mortgage.

Beyond that, it's whatever works for both of you. In my first marriage, I earned twice what my wife earned but we pooled all the funds and we didn't argue about money. In my current marriage, we earn close to the same amount and yet have maintained separate accounts and we just check periodically to make sure no one is contributing "too much". The key, I think, is to have similar attitudes toward money. If one of you is a spendthrift and the other lives to save, you'll have to work around it. If neither one of you will spend more than $50 without the other okaying it, it will be less work.

Congratulations, and good luck!

I've been in a similar situation for many years. We maintain separate accounts. We keep a 2-column list in the kitchen. When either of us buys something for the household (groceries, potted plants, toothpaste) the amount gets listed in that person's column. We do not consult one another unless it's a big item, like a stereo, or a vacuum cleaner, tv, etc.). I generally pay the utilities, and they go up on the list under my name. At the end of the month, we tally the list, and whoever has spent less gives the other person half the difference in cash. In essence, everything is split 50-50, unless it is something like me buying a smartphone for myself, or her buying a Kindle or some clothes for herself, etc. As for the mortgage and/or property taxes, you'll have to work out what's a fair share for her to pay you.

We are both retired. His income is 3-4 times bigger than mine. We decided that we would pool our incomes in a household account and pay everything from it. We each have a certain amount of spending money in our own separate accounts. I was about your girlfriends age when we married and hated the thought of having to ask or thinking I should ask for every purchase. Since we both have our spending accounts separate from the household account we have seldom had arguments about money. Hubby does not like keeping track of the bills so I handle all of them. Talk about who should pay what. We include our 2 credit cards in the household account because we use it for trips for both of us but it might be best for a while not to use the household account for that. Most bills are set up to be automatically paid so other than review little effort is needed.

It sounds like you have not discussed this with her yet. The two of you need to have a brain storming session or two now not in a couple of months as you are moving in together. After all are you expecting her to pay all the costs of the move?

Both of you need to go over all of your bills since taking calls from creditors is not good for a relationship.

There is no right or wrong way to split expenses. All that is required is that both of you agree to a plan that you think is fair. This should happen before you move in.

DH and I have been married for 45 years. This topic is amazing to me. OP, will you be 'roommates' or 'a couple'?

Kudzu9 -- I can't imagine posting every purchase on a tally sheet -- gosh, I would have spent YEARS of my life doing that. Do you eat the same amount of food? Does each person have 'a shelf' in the fridge?

Is there a line down the middle of every room with one person responsible for keeping 'his half' clean -- like kids sharing a bedroom? Is there a set 'credit' for washing the kitchen floor or cleaning the shower? Who decides what needs doing and when? Do you share a car? Who walks the dog? Who takes out the garbage? Who mows the lawn, washes the windows, bakes the cakes, strips the bed? Who chooses a new shower curtain? Who 'owns' the TV remote?

My mind boggles! LOL

I'm with Chisue on this one. For a ocuple of months, you can take careful note of what you spend every week/month on general household expenses, including groceries, and establish a household expense allowance, not including house payment/taxes/insurance and separate car expenses.

Then each of you throw 1/2 of that amount plus maybe 10% into a separate account expenses from that. Or if you want to save for a vacation, for example, or for throwing a party, add a little more every month. So if your utilities, household products, groceries, basic phone (excluding cell phones), cable, etc etc. all total about $1000, each of you put $550 into the joint account.

But please, just use this as a test. Feel free to change it as things come up. When you are married, you may, like us, just eventually do away with the individual accounts, and maintain a joint account. Remember that a marriage is based on trust, and you should grow beyond the "yours, mine, ours" mentality at some point.

Good luck!

If you are serious about a long term relationship, and I presume that you are, I would set a long term goal of similar incomes after retirement.
I would work backwards from that to how current expenses should be shared.

The attitude towards your home sets up a red flag for me. Sometimes it is best to go out and buy a home you have chosen as a couple and not deal with the baggage that comes with an old home.
Perhaps set a date for marriage and aim to have a new home by that time.

Keeping a list sounds great for roomates, not so much in a relationship.

You've got some good advice here, let me throw mine out.

Sit down and talk with her and see what she wants to do. If it's acceptable to you, do it her way. Life will be easier that way.

- She is making 65% of your income, (may be because her line of profession, or may be because she is 8 years younger than you with less work experience), but you want her to pitch in the same amount of expense as you do.

- It is likely a man uses more utility and grocery than a woman (yes, I am following your nikel-and-dime rule here). If it is true, you are asking her to pay for part of your expense.

- You want her to pay monthly wear and tear while she is living in "your" house. Is she a tenant or a friend? Most landlords would only charge a one time "wear and tear" fee. When a friend stays over, we don't charge "wear and tear".

- Do both of you have any savings/investments? Since she is making less, and she is younger, it is very likely that your net worth is bigger than hers. So how could the 50-50 split be fair?

- Once you are married, will you put her name on the deed of the house?

- This is the arrangement while she is working and healthy, what arrangement would you make if she does not, or cannot bring in any income?

You asked "How does all of this sound?" Well, it does not sound she has any inputs to this plan yet, is it correct?

Since you appear to want to continue funding the cost of the house yourself, it seems logical to me that you should also pay the property tax and insurance. Two separate accounts and the one joint account seems like a good plan.

Azmom, I think you missed something pretty important. He's not asking her to pay any rent. Rather than call the $100 a month "wear & tear" just call it rent. Pretty cheap rent if you ask me.

Orv1, I did not miss it. It is why I asked if she is a tenant or a friend.

So she will be paying the "rent", in other words she is helping funding the house but would not get any of the tax benefit from it.

The arragement is so roomating. If this is a relationship, it surely is a "nickel-and-dime" type, hope she is fully aware of that.

chisue-
Keeping track of our purchases takes almost no time at all. Really, how many household purchases do you make a month?

In most cases we each just charge everything and pay it off at the end of the month. I spend two minutes looking at my Visa charges and subtract out things that are exclusively for me; the balance goes on the tally sheet. We've been doing this for 35 years and it takes much less time than trying to manage a joint household account or consult on mundane things. I can't imagine anything being simpler...

Azmom, So you think she shouldn't have any financial obligation towards housing? Good deal if you can get it. Seems she would be better off than living on her own.

A couple of years down the road in the relationship I would agree with your point of view, not yet though.

Lots of great info here. I really appreciate all of the responses. I'll just make a general post to clarify some things that were brought up.

Splitting the utilities, property taxes, insurance, cable/internet as I have suggested is no where near half of all expenses. I'm still paying for all of the mortgage plus any other housing expenses that come up. For example, if an appliance breaks then I will be paying to have it fixed or replaced. When I factor in all of my monthly costs, that puts me at over 2/3 of all the monthly costs which I am fine with.

I understand what some folks are saying about the property taxes, but if I do not include half of those then she will be paying less than a quarter of all the costs. I suppose I could itemize it a different way bt removing the property taxes and increase the $100 wear and tear to a few more hundred dollars. We've had a few conversations about this already and have pretty much agreed to a 2/3 and 1/3 split. With the arrangement I have alluded to she will be spending a bit less than where she is living now. The suggestion about a brain storming session is a good one and we will do that soon. I just want to throw out some of my thoughts to see what others think.

I should have been more clear on our incomes. Even though her salary is about about 40k less than me, when you take her full compensation package into consideration (ie full pension plan, cheaper health benefits, more paid vacation) it is probably more like a 25k difference.
She rents an apartment and the lease will be up in a couple of months. The move will be simple as she lives in the same neighborhood and we are just doing it by ourselves little by little. Technically we're currently living together and have been for the last 4 months.

We both have similar attitudes towards money. We're definitely more savers than spenders but the things that we do spend on are things that we both appreciate (ie traveling, food, wine).

Chisue - I understand what you are saying re roommates vs couple and I thought that same thing before I posted this but don't you think these things should be discussed?

The suggestion about purchasing a new home is something I am not comfortable with. My current home is one I built three years ago and selling it now would not be a good idea financially. She likes the home (much nicer than her apartmeent) but is not crazy about some of the furniture, interior choices. We've already discussed this and have made plans to gradually change things in order for her to feel it is her home too.

I've been married for 17 years. I moved into my husband's house 1 year before our wedding (after living on my own for 10 years). He wouldn't think of taking money from me for anything.

After we got married, he added my name to his accounts and I just deposited my checks into our new joint checking.

I would be disappointed if my daughter moved in with a guy and he took money from her before they were married.

Sorry.

Why wouldn't you want your life partner's name to be on the house as well? This sounds very cold to me. Perhaps you should wait awhile and purchase a house TOGETHER. When I got married, both my husband and I held assets singularly. Everything now is joint.

As for asking her first,- she may be so enamored at this stage of the game that the relationship is moving forward - that she will agree to the 'rent' - or whatever you call it

I'm curious, and it really is none of my business, but I'm wondering if neither of you have ever been married before, or if one or the other of you was in a relationship where there were much different spending priorities.

I'm thinking that you are maybe thinking long term, like way on down the road, what 'might' happen if the marriage just did not work out. Then you could stand to lose your house, or have to sell it to split the equity.

Have the 2 of you talked about a prenup agreement yet, or do you think it might be something that the 2 of you should consider?

Even though her name would not be on the house, in the event of your death, it would be hers (once you married), unless there was another name on the deed or you willed it to someone else.

I wish you both well.

Sue

From where you and your girlfiend (possibly eventual fiancee) stand right now, I think graywings had it right. Each maintain your separate accounts and open a joint into which you pool whatever seems right and proportional.

At ages 43 and 35, each of you should have some kind of an estate built up independently. Is she willing to put your name on everything she has? At 18, two people who are basically starting from ground zero are perfectly happy with the concept of "ours"; at your ages finances are a bit more complicated. And only because each of you is bringing something into them - a house, cars, accumulated assets, things.

It's your house; keep your name on the deed, title, mortgage, whatever and remain solely responsible for the taxes and insurance, putting the new roof on it, etc.

The minute you start nickel and diming eachother, you've got problems.

Orv1, I see making a decision of "moving in" as the relationship has already reached to the stage of "at a couple of years down the road in the relationship".

Along the same line I am with tlbb, I would be disappointed if my son had his girl friend moved in to his place and he took money from her before they were married.

Yes, a prenup is a good idea, especially if OP is in a community property state.

Suze Orman had a show about this a while ago. Go look at her website and see if they list shows from the past. I don't remember exactly what she said but I remember it had to do with percentages. Someone called in the show with the same question.

The couple did not make the same amount and were trying to figure out a fair way to pay for everything. I believe she said to total the main expenses for a year, figure out the percentage that each should pay according to the individual income. It should not be based on salary difference, but rather the percentage of the salary.

Sorry, maybe someone saw that show.

Jane

Derive percentage only based on individual's income is not sufficient. It should also factor in total networth.

For example, if one person's annual income is $100k, but only has $10k savings, and the other person has $5 Millions worth of asset in land, growth (none dividend)stocks, gold, diamonds, collectibles..etc.) but little income. Does it mean the person who makes $100k should carry most of the expenses?

Well, the easiest way to solve this would be to get married and merge everything. But it sounds like you're not there yet. I understand those who maintain separate finances, I really do. But those schemes usually work one of two ways: each puts in half of the "overhead" every month and keeps the rest; or each puts in a percentage share based on income, and keeps the rest. Of course there are always the arguments as to what should be considered overhead vs. what is an individual expenditure (if car payments are "overhead" is it fair to you if she trades hers for something more expensive, or vice versa? What about child support payments, or income, if that is an issue?), but I digress.

It all sounds equitable and logical until its time to have children, or a disability appears, and someone by necessity isn't working for a while. The still-working partner is still in the "my money" mindset, and I see this cause huge problems with couples ("I work hard for this money, so I should be able to get a boat, X-box, fur coat", whatever) and the non-working partner gets second-class status.

It sounds like the decision to move in together officially was spurred by her lease expiring -- not by anything that happened in the relationship itself to take it to the next level. So, it's sort of all about money, anyway. And you're clearly wary of having her connected legally in any way to your home. So why not just keep doing what you've been doing? You said she has been there for four months, anyway -- has she been contributing? If not, then why start contributing now? Just because she no longer has her rent overhead she should now contribute? If you want to keep it separated, keep it all separated. She's a guest, and guests don't pay.

Here's what we did:

I bought a house by myself, while living with my boyfriend. His income was much lower than mine. We kept our financial accounts strictly separate. He paid me rent ($200 a month). We split utilities evenly, just like roommates. As the landlord, I was responsible for expenses like home repairs, purchasing the washing machine, etc.

When we got married, we opened a joint checking account. We stayed in the house I owned for four more years. Then, we purchased a house in both of our names.

After we moved to the new house, he said that it had made him uncomfortable to live in a house that was owned by me alone. People assumed he was the homeowner, which made him feel strange.

Best of luck to you and your girlfriend! For what it's worth, I think living together before marriage is a sensible thing to do. We lived together for 7 years, and have been happily married for 15 (knock on wood).

Well, the easiest way to solve this would be to get married and merge everything.
Imho that might be fine if they were both starting out (ages 18-early twenties) with nothing much more than a car and a car payment.

When we got married, we opened a joint checking account. We stayed in the house I owned for four more years. Then, we purchased a house in both of our names.

After we moved to the new house, he said that it had made him uncomfortable to live in a house that was owned by me alone. People assumed he was the homeowner, which made him feel strange.
I'm confused (nothing new there though). If you purchased a house in both of your names, why would he be uncomfortable living in the new house? Didn't you say that you purchased it in both names? I'm taking that to mean both names on the mortgage and on the deed.

chemocurl - neither one of us have ever been married. Nor has either of us ever lived with anyone else so the spending arrangements are new to both of us.

I am really not interested in a prenup. I can't imagine even bringing something like that up.

xminion - purchasing a house together is something I see for the both of us in the future. It would not be a good idea to do this now simply because of the depressed housing market. I/we would take a sizeable hit on selling the house I currently own.

pipersville_carol - I'm glad to hear this worked out for you as it is much like the road we are thinking of taking as well.

Chem - I think the husband was just reflecting back on how he felt about living in the previous home in which he had no stake.

Put a for sale sign on your house, sell it, and buy a new one with someone who is still basically your girlfriend??? Does anyone see any pitfalls here? I say - as the OP did, move her things in, incorporate some of them in the interior decorating scheme to give her a sense of belonging in the house you will be sharing. Furniture and things are a bit easier to make an accommodation for than would be selling and buying houses in this economic climate.

None of my/our business, but is this woman bringing anything into the relationship besides perhaps a car, a smattering of furniture, clothing, and her annual salary? Upon stepping over your threshhold, will she be adding your name as beneficiary to any 403(b), 401k? Will she be anxious to start the process of putting your name as TOD/POD on any CDs, bank, brokerage accounts, insurance policies? Is there any debt - credit card, student loans?

Lots more to consider than divvying up a cable bill once under the same roof.

duluthinbloomz4 - I'm glad you understand my point about the house. Very well put. I have already mentioned that she is happy with the house we are currently living in.

Materialistically, she is not bringing anything else in other than what you mention. No outstanding debt except a small student loan. As far as making each other beneficiaries, I do not think that will be an issue and I have already done so for her in a few cases.

My approach is different than what most have suggested and it's what has worked very well for my husband and I for the last 13 years.

Since you already have the house and are paying it's bills, I'd suggest that you keep doing just that. However, if she has a cell phone or other bills that are unique to her, I'd suggest that she alone pay them.

What I'd ask her to be responsible for is all groceries and also to start building the joint account/fund that will be used for capital improvements/out of the ordinary repairs to the home (new washing machine, visit by plumber etc etc) and purchases of new items that are to be used jointly.

She and you should have separate checking accounts.

I would also suggest that each of you maintain independent financial responsibility for your cars.

Because her income is 65% of yours, I wouldn't go 50/50 on house bills at all.

For what it's worth (since my husband and I separated after 32 years of marriage) the approach we used was to put all income into one account, and then we each got a specific amount to withdraw for ourselves ($1000/month, by the end). It worked OK -- he preferred to eat out with friends a lot, and I preferred to buy things for the house and clothes.

My income was less throughout our marriage because I worked part-time for many years so he wouldn't have to worry about housework and I could be there for our 3 sons. But ultimately, money was a big factor in our separation because upon retirement, that extra $ wasn't there anymore.

chemocurl, you missed the "had" in my sentence:

After we moved to the new house, he said that it had made him uncomfortable to live in a house that was owned by me alone. People assumed he was the homeowner, which made him feel strange.

It HAD made him uncomfortable to live in the PREVIOUS house. He was proud to be a co-owner of the new house.

chemocurl, you missed the "had" in my sentence:
hmmm...I see that now. It doesn't take much to confuse ne, and in this case I confused myself.

This thread has certainly prompted a lot of food for thought.

Steamer67, if I was your girlfriend, I would think twice about moving in and considering you more than room mate. It sounds like you are more worried about money than love.

Before she moves in, get in writing what you expect her to pay every month. If you dont, we will see you two on day time court TV.

My husband and I moved in together, in a house we bought together, about 10 months before we married. We never gave the slightest thought of who was responsible for what; we simply pooled everything we had in one house, one account and one investment package. When you feel real commitment and have the intention of staying together permanently, I can't think of a single reason why you have to think about his and hers; it's all "ours". If you don't feel that way I don't know why you'd want to live together.

Ingrid, when a "saver" is married to a "spender," separate accounts give both the freedom - within limits - to live and spend as they want while remaining happy, secure and financially solvent.

+1 graywings.

In our case, we also have some financial considerations which would be difficult or expensive to dissolve/combine as a debt or funding source just for the sake of calling it "ours". And there are books and TV shows and divorce courts filled with people who could not negotiate "You make way more than I do. Why do I have to pay half?" or "I make $X. Why can't I buy (fill-in-the-blank) if I want?"

Steamer,
Congratulations on having a house that your GF likes! That makes it a lot easier.

However, you have only been dating for a year. Unless you were friends for a few years before that, you don't know for sure whether you will get married. (Maybe she will get tired of seeing your clothes on the floor or you will get tired of the toothpaste she leaves in the sink - or an old flame will show up. Who knows?)

I suggest that you pay the property taxes, share the joint expenses like food, and she pay for all the "extras" that you want as a couple - vacations, etc. This will not affect what you are already paying (mortgage, utilities, replacing appliances, etc.) If and when you get married, then you can reconsider who pays what. Meantime, encourage her to pay off her student loans quickly and build a "life happens" fund.

The others are right that a spender and saver are a difficult combination, but it does not sound like you will have that issue. In a good relationship between savers, it does not matter so much who pays what because there is always $$ left over for savings. You two (or at least she) has some work to do re savings if you will have a comfortable retirement. That is a long term issue which will benefit from attention in the early stages.

My husband (of 18+ years) and I are both savers, so who pays what has never been an issue. We each have our own checking accounts but charge nearly everything and pay that bill on line. About 15 years ago, we realized that we needed to increase retirement savings, so we have been transferring the excess funds to our investment accounts. We just paid off our mortgage, so we feel very comfortable.

Best wishes to you and your relationship. In the long term, who pays what this year should not matter too much. Keep it low key and focus on whether your life styles, attitudes, etc. are a good match. Don't marry her in a year because you feel obligated after she paid half of your property taxes!

graywings, you make a good point I hadn't thought of. I'm more on the saver side and frankly have never been attracted to a spender - too much room for arguments, and probably quite a difference in personality and world views.

colorcrazy, your comments and advice couldn't be bettered. Mine, I'm afraid, came from a narrower point of view. Still, on reading the poster's letter again there does still seem to be cause for concern because of the almost pedantic emphasis on who pays for what. With that kind of income, I'd concentrate on the relationship and would trust that my partner is fair enough to think of ways he/she could contribute without even being asked. If that didn't happen, it would be a rather good indicator of where the relationship may be headed.