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Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

Posted by dmissy (My Page) on
Mon, Jul 30, 07 at 20:34

And won't stop braggin about their's? It's not that I am not happy for other's in a better place, but when they say their 'husband pays for everything', 'we make tooooo much money' lol, when they know ya got it tough. Isn't that inconsiderate? I've tried to be quiet about it, but she keeps bringin it up..but I confronted her one day, after her bragging and asked her, 'what do you need money for?' (since she works)...one minute she brags, next; she's doin all the OT she can? She finally said it is for a second house. When I don't answer an email, she asks if my service was disconnected? Time for this to end? Sure hope nothin happens to her husband. She hasn't spoke since I had the comeback, so she should know this is touchy area. She's never had any struggles to be empathetic to anyone else..


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

That's a hard one to answer because some people make themselves feel big by making other people feel small. I really think that money, as well as religion and politics, shouldn't be discussed in too great a detail if you want to remain friends or at least friendly. Even without ever being told outright or ever really knowing for sure, we all get a hint about the circumstances and philosophies of our friends and acquaintances. Maybe this person is actually a bit insecure and bragging, etc. is her way of compensating. But it is a fact of life, no matter how much one has, there's always someone who has more - and sometimes you run into that one person who has more and just loves to shove it down your throat. And unless she's really dense or totally self-absorbed, she should get the idea that this is a topic you don't want to hear about.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

She's bragging because she's insecure. That said, she's also insensitive, boastful, malicious, and not much of a friend.

I've been good friends with one of my ex-bosses for four decades now. I'm a ghetto rat and his ancestors came over on the Mayflower. They have more money than they know what to do with, compared to us. Usually they treat us when we get together, but about 30% of the time we treat them - we do whatever feels right.

They have never, ever made us feel inferior in any way - since we're not! It's a friendship of equals, and we all exchange a great deal of love and respect with one another. My only regret is that they moved back to the East Coast, so we only can get together once or twice a year.

It's a very old-fashioned word to use, but that's what it means when someone truly does have "class". It has everything to do with character, and NOTHING to do with money.

If I were you, I'd find some real friends.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

When she starts on about all the money they have, why not use this one liner...

"Are you bragging or complaining"

Maybe she will stop and think how she must sound to others. I'd say it whenever the need arose...like whenever she was bragging about money. If you ask it often enough, she might just understand what she says that always prompts you to ask.

Sue


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

I had a very dear friend (now deceased) who was a multi-millionaire. He drove a little yellow Volkswagen and wore khaki pants and shirts most of the time.Many who had known him for years, had no idea of his wealthy background. Those who insist on bragging are usually very insecure. If it bothers you, I would advise ending the friendship(??).


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

I can be friends with someone who is on a different socio-economic level (lower or higher) but I probably wouldn't try to save a friendship with someone as boastful and insensitive (and probably dishonest) as this person. I get the feeling that she is insecure and the reason may be because they don't have as much disposable income as she claims.

If she doesn't have any redeeming qualities and this is her main trait, I'd let the friendship die.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

"It has everything to do with character, and NOTHING to do with money."

That is the trueth. I use to be good friends with someone with money. She lived in a simple home and had the best personalitly. Once she moved into a huge home she really changed. She only spent time with her huge home friends. The last party she had i spent time with her new neighbors. WOW! I was out of place! All they talked about was money.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

I agree that this friendship isn't worth saving. True friends may be insecure, but not unempathic. True friends uplift you, they don't put you down, either directly or indirectly.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

I'm around a lot of people who don't make or have much money, especially in my garden clubs. Its a don't ask, don't tell relationship. They will, on occasion, make comments about my car but that's it. I love these people and income differences aren't relevant to me.

A long time good friend that I met in our previous neighborhood (different state) has gone seriously nuts! She and her husband make a lot more than we ever did, but we saved like idiots and they spend like idiots. Our FL retirement is more than comfortable, but this lady used to use me as a verbal "punching bag" after her husband told her he would never move to FL. (That was her fondest dream!) I recently terminated that relationship, long after it should have been done. She is so bitter and envious of my life! (She would be bored stiff by it!)

In a reversal, next month we will be visiting Canadian friends who use to own the house across the street. They own multiple McDonald's and could buy us over and over again. They have been begging for us to visit for the last 4 years and are thrilled that its finally happening. They are really nice, gracious people who have been very good friends. We will have a great time up there and the only mention of money will us coaching them in funding their retirement. That will cause a lot of laughter but they respect our knowledge.

There's always someone out there who makes more or less money. Who cares? Its not how much money people have. Its all about their comfort level with and to that wealth!


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

Agreed, this is not really about money.
I have friends who have not been nearly as fortunate as I have been, friends who have made terrible financial decisions and friends with terrible luck.
If they bring up money, I'll talk about it, but I don't reveal much about our situation, because it could be hurtful and rude and generally not relevant to the conversation.
The problem with your "friend" is not that she makes "Tooo much money", it is that she is crass. If you decide to end this friendship, please don't make it about money and don't stoop to her level of rudeness.
Best of luck with this one.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

chemocurl -- I learn the BEST things here! What a great response: Are you braggin' or complainin'? LOL There's no good answer to THAT.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

As you get older you realize that you have a certain time together with friends. Sometimes that special time is over. It might be that you had kids in common or being newlyweds or neighbors. Then your circumstances change--you don't carpool to grade school or commiserate over your job. Gradually you see less of them. That's okay. You don't have to have a farewell party for the occasion.
It isn't necessary to worry about what to say. Just move on. Find friends who are fun and who you want to spend time with.
You get to pick your friends--its your relatives you are stuck with.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

I have a friend who is also a braggert about her money. At first, it startled me to hear someone discuss it so much. As I got to know her, I realized her bragging was compensation to prove her self-worth to others- as if money were really the answer. Apparently, proving her self-worth to her mother was important in her life. Even though she brags about money, she is also very generous with it. Actually, to the point that we had to tell her, gently, that she needn't buy our affections. She has no idea how her "finance" talk is uncomfortable for others. But, her good qualities overcome these annoyances. I know she will be there for me in any situation, in any crisis I may have. We have helped each other over the years... me to be stronger, her to be less judgemental. Ask yourself what you are getting out of the relationship. Maybe she is just excited over her good fortune and wants you-her good friend- to share in that excitement. Just like someone who gets a new car or new curtains... you want someone to say " yeah, what a great car... or what pretty curtains" . Maybe thats all she needs to not go on about it.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

Maybe deep down she feels a little guilty or insecure over her good fortune, maybe deep down you are more jealous than you would like, who knows, I'm not a psychologist...If I don't respond to my sister right away, she is the same way, but she isn't slamming my income, it's her way of asking why didn't I respond.
It sounds like the real basis for a friendship is lacking here: mutual respect, interests and enjoyment of each other's company.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

I've only read the initial post so far. And that's intentional.

Real, TRUE, genuine friendships are based on commonly held interests and beliefs. Those two things will carry a friendship over the rough ground when one friend experiences an increase/decrease in "means".

Seems odd to me that your friend is so interested in YOUR finances and it makes me wonder if that is her way of "checking" to see if HER OWN FAMILY'S finances are on solid ground. ;)

Only you can make choices about who will/won't be your friend. Sometimes we "outgrow" people we once thought were incredibly fun and cool, too. Don't trouble yourself by overthinking this; if (s)he makes you uncomfortable it's your option to "cool it". If you so choose, you can add the focus on finances takes the fun out of the time you spend together.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

I think what you describe is very insensitive and inconsiderate. I personally don't find myself gravitating to people like that - in fact I tend to drift away from folks like that and they don't become close friends. I guess you have to ask yourself if this person really is a friend you'd miss having contact with - or an acquaintance you wouldn't miss if she weren't around in the future.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

" It's not that I am not happy for other's in a better place, but when they say their 'husband pays for everything', 'we make tooooo much money' lol, when they know ya got it tough. Isn't that inconsiderate?"

Yes, that IS inconsiderate.

What she is doing is called "keeping up with the Jones's". As long as she feels like she has more money (is better) than you, she can feel good about herself.

Unless she has any other redeeming qualities, I would choose to limit my time (and emails) with her.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

Money doesn't count... it's the person. I've been on both sides of the fence (to the tune of turning off my printer to save $4 a month to going to an income I can't possibly spend).

The folks that I felt intimidated me (In my mind) when I was poor turned out to have Jack -- unless you counted huge credit card debts and mortages to go with the 'lifestyle'.

Most of my friends now have probably an annual income that I have monthly. I don't try to 'show off', I don't always 'buy', I try to fit in to their lifestyle so I can have some friends.

Maybe ask your friend, who's working all the OT she can, if maybe she wants to talk about it... maybe she needs your guidance on how to save.

Good luck


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

Is there any other things that you like about this friend? If there are, then you may want to put a rule such as that you don't like to talk about money matters. I do the same to my friends, we don't talk about politics and religions. Otherwise, we'd be debating forever and end up hurting each others feelings without meaning to.

If you don't have anything else that you like about her, then just end it. Otherwise, it's better to concentrate on one's goodness than badness.

I have a particular friend that is overly confidence. She thinks that her way is the only way. I don't think that she realizes she's doing that at times. Other friends had asked me why I still associate with her. My reply was "she has a good heart", that's enough for me to concentrate on our friendship.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

Thanks for responses. I thought I'd get one, 'oh your jealous' lines, but most seem to see thru this coworker.

I've decided to go own way other than work and keep speaking to minimum and light chat. But, had to laugh somewhat...she had to tell me she was going to get new haircut and color..lol....I never noticed how much she does this? (brags) Also, she went to bar$. There is a hint of her having an affair with a guy that sits in her vehicle every day at break (they are both married).....guess home life ain't so pretty...maybe her meal ticket is up?! lol...

What would ya brag about after that? Please God, never let me be this shallow.....poor, is almost better.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

This coworker, got served divorce papers. She has 40K debt and husband has been planning divorce since 2003! Did not think justice would come this swift....wow. Her braggin is over. He put another house in his parents name and the one in this area is only in her's.....and he has not been paying anything on it...she will lose everything. Think he finally got evidence of her affair. He was waiting for son to be 18 yrs. and his b'day is in Oct.! Wow, this is quite impressive..self-control and goin thru all the steps.

All the utilities are getting shut-off..she's been avoiding me at work.....still smug towards the end....but last Friday, I was starting up vehicle, and saw her tears and look of fear...lover guy coworker is starting to bale...did not take last break with her....he was smiling. No problems in his world unless his wife get's wind of things.

Oh! She asked me if I was still looking for roommate!!! Irony, is unbelievable!


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

It's a shame it had to get so ugly. She just sounds immature with little life experience- I'll bet if you run into her 10 years from now she will be a different person.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

Pride goes before a fall......


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

And did you tell her HECK YES!?!?!? That would cover lowering your housing expenses AND carpooling to work.

You may have to be the better person and suck up some bragging if you want to save your home. Make sure you request for rent is reasonable and not a reaction to her bragging. Make sure that you get a lease that spells everything out. (esp things like overnight guests, and quiet hours) Perhaps some kind of trial period......

Just an obvious side note.... Make sure that whatever household bills she pays, she pays YOU and you pay the bills (other than any that belong and affect only her), or you may be sitting in the dark, since she does not seem to have a good handle on her finances.

You have an opportunity to become a very good friend and save yourself at the same time. You may find that her attitude changes at home, when she doesn't have to put a "brave face" on for the world.

And now you know.... All her bragging was covering up a not nice home life and a lot of fear. Can you see it in a different light now?


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

yes, i can. simple reason is IT IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS HOW THEY HANDLE THEIR MONEY.

i won't loan money, nor borrow it, so it just does not come up.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

You ought to sign that girl right up as a room-mate! Waste no energy on discussing money with her aside from her rent and her half of the utilities.

I'd get the rent and utilities in CASH, too. And go directly to the bank with it.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

I think the woman had some problems and didn't know how to deal with them.
Irritating I'm sure.
I don't think that's any reason to feel gleeful.


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RE: Can you be friends with someone who has different finances?

I wouldn't have been gleeful, if she hadn't repeatedly made sure I knew how "great" her money situation was supposed to be. I am not one for discussing such matters either. Turns out, her situation, is totally opposite. I was honest, and said I had it kinda rough. She should feel bad about lieing, and then laughing in my face as she did so.

I totally ignore her at work. And, it's all a done deal. I am concentrating on training for a different field now. This has all made me see how I need to make a change. I've begun to see how some ppl don't want to make a change.

I believe my steady movement in the right direction, will provide a better future. I've never seen that as clearly as I do now. I am going to have ppl around me that are supportive and that want me to do well.


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