In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below. About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck . He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, "Pull over!" The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour. Who says Trooper's don't have a sense of humor. ************** Here's another one for you ( I love these stupid jokes) Deer Roping I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and did not seem to have much fear of me a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not four feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it to a holding pen.I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education. The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance!! That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die, slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death. I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set beforehand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head - almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down. Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co-op . I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling "what happened" I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear...not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer." I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did. Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the heck out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something EVERYBODY for miles around soon knew about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider - a "city folk". I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there is the dumb *** that tried to rope the deer. ******************* Last one for tonight (and I know it's not politically correct, just take for what it is): ********************** It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the heck the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood so they would be prepared for it. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Dallasblooms, Yes, we're in a 10 year old subdivision. Thanks for your insight. I called the city engineers out last week. I wanted to be sure we were doing things by the book or better. I didn't want any surprises so I insisted they send someone out to look at what was going on and advise us. The guy brought the grading plan for our subdivision which he left it with us. He looked it over and said all we need to do is re create the original swale. He told us we don't need a permit but might need some kind of permit to allow equipment to cross the sidewalk unless they use the driveway to access. He is checking on that and will let us know. He mentioned the silt fence, hubby already knew about this part. He didn't use the term re grading, which tipped me off on how to write the proposal to the HOA. :) /WINK. What we can't figure out is if previous owners filled in the original swale or if Mother Nature did it slowly over time..doesn't matter we have to fix it either way, and do it better than what was originally done. Landscapers are not going to be doing this work. We started with them to get an over all plan and connect with the proper contractors to do the earth moving part. The landscapers will lay out and prep the new beds since I am no longer physically able to do that kind of work. The project is moving a lot more slowly than I had hoped but we're getting there. :) My goal is for the work to be completed and new sod in place before the spring rains arrive. So, for now we're on schedule. Once the plan is written down, I will submit to the HOA and the city if need be. Since part of the plan involves new fencing we'll at least need a permit for that. This week, the gutters are being re placed with larger ones and more down spouts, to dump the water along the sides and towards the front of the house instead of out into the back yard. Everyone who has taken a look tells us that will make a tremendous difference with the amount of water needing to be directed out of the back yard towards the street, and be a good place to start. The neighbor's along both sides are aware and very agreeable to the plans to improve drainage, which will help with their drainage issues as well. I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I can start my winter sowing, since I'll have all the beds I want finished in time to plant this spring! :) Thank you for bringing up the original drainage plan, if I hadn't called the city engineer's office I wouldn't have known one existed or that I could have a copy of it. Hubby and the city engineer guy didn't think we needed any surveying done. They both seemed to think it was pretty cut and dried where and how much swale is needed as did the dirt mover guys who came out to give us estimates. I still can't picture what this is going to look like.

I'm a weeper: Almost every time I say goodbye to one of my six kids, I stand in the driveway, weeping and waving, and everybody laughs at me. The thing is, I see them frequently enough, but I still always weep like an idiot. They don't need me anymore, sob,sob,sob. I bawled my eyes out a week ago when the youngest graduated from college. Hubby and the older kids said it was from relief that finally the tuition payments were over, but it wasn't just that. She's off on a new life that, from my perspective, doesn't include me the way it always has. She wants to go to AUSTRALIA for pete's sake!!! After the party at our house, when all the kids had returned to their own homes, I was exhausted from all the weeping and waving, yet proud of our lovely bunch of coconuts. If I had my way, I'd be in the center of the family compound, my childrens' homes all within arms reach, dispensing wise advice, cookies and hugs to our kids and dozens of grandchildren, cooking, tending, interfering. Wallow and cry, Curly. You'll feel better soon, and then you'll run out of time to do all the things you want to do. She does need you, and always will. I still rely on my mom for things, and I'm 60! You did a good job raising kids who love you. I hope you can buck up, though, and don't spend as much time in the driveway weeping and waving as I do. Sherry

I don't know if this will be helpful to you but I read in some clematis book somewhere eons ago that the best time to prune clems was the same time you prune roses.........or when the forsythia is in bloom (as an indicator plant) and I have always followed that practice. In my climate, that is typically around President's Day or the end of February. I noticed that several of mine are already pushing a lot of new growth so I need to get out there and get whacking!! I tend also to be flexible about the exact timing. February can be cold in my climate as well and is always wet......and I don't do rain :-)) So I wait until a break in my schedule and a decent weather day coincide and prune as many as I can then. I also prune both my type 2's and 3's as type 3's - down to the third set of buds or about 18" - simply because it is easier and I don't have to remember who is who :-) At most it will delay the bloom period of the type 2's slightly......a few weeks to a month. All of my evergreen clems or type 1's I don't prune at all except very rarely to control size and that is done after their early bloom cycle.