ms500 - I hate to hear you are having such a hard time. I too am divorced - my ex wanted to devote 24-7 to building his own business and didn't want the responsibilities of a family to hold him down. This after almost 17 years of living our life around that business which included losing almost everything, including our home. It always came first and so I shouldn't have been surprised when he said he wanted out. I look back now and realize what a doormat I had become and now that my oldest son had tossed me aside, I don't know why I am surprised. He learned from his dad to put everything above family and if family gets in the way just walk away. I asked my counselor why, what I did - provide a loving and supportive home, be the nurturer and the disciplinarian, and not leave, did not influence him as much as what his dad did. His answer was - my son knows where his rock is when he needed someone. He knew who he could rely and he has no reason to believe you will not always be there. On the other hand - he doesn't have that with his dad and therefore will not push him or take him for granted because he doesn't trust him as much. I still remember people telling me that the payoff for raising kids came when they were older and understand what it is to be a parent. So yes I feel cheated in more ways than one. My ex who wanted more than his family is the one that gets to enjoy his family. What is fair about that. Yet I believe that in time you reap what you sow. I know what I have sown and what I am experienceing now is not my reward. I believe the same for you. For some reason they seem to be in denial of the neglect and abuse you took on their behalf because of their dad. Have faith and hope that in time you will be rewarded for your effort. I can say "that" even though I have never even met my only grandchild - because I believe someone greater than me is in control. Good luck and best wishes.

Full disclosure: My husband and I have no children, but we know many people who struggle with situations similar to yours. It's unfortunate and he may or may not be a "good person", but the bottom line here is he's a loser! Toss him out on his arse, change the locks on your house - be sure your car(s) is/are locked and ignore any pleas for help. There's an excellent blog called LIVING STINGY and it addresses many issues and "basement living children" is one of them. It's ridiculous to constantly bail this kid out - he's got to learn that in real life there ARE no safety nets. I'm sure it'll be the toughest battle of your life, but you really have no choice - otherwise he'll nickel and dime you until you have NO money left and that is not acceptable, right? Good luck.

Yes you reminded me Nanny. I should have been more clear on dogs with history and adoptions for the inexperienced. I was targeting the local dog pound type places. Not saying that is always bad either but many of these dogs have history and that can add another layer. The extra layer is something experienced dog people can handle a little better. We once adopted a beautiful abused long coat Retriever from the Pet Mobil. She was sweet to us, her canine brothers and sisters but would out of the blue try to kill other dogs. It was weird. She also did not like men in hats. We had her for twelve wonderful years but she had to be watched. Some if not most of dog rescue organizations that specialize in specific breeds can be great and are my favorite. I went to one such place when adopting my Rottweiler. They only did Rottweilers. We had a very detailed home inspection plus I had to bring my other pets in so they could observe the interaction. Before that I had filled out a form where I described the temperament I was seeking. We got exactly what we were looking for. What a perfect fit and loving dog. Most of breed specialty rescue organizations also have dogs who like and have been around cats if one is looking for that. These type of rescue organizations take the time to make a good fit. They really know the dog. My last adoption was from a rescue group who specializes in dogs that have been sick and or were unadoptable due to behavioral issues. Their days were numbered. My little Brussels/Yorkie mix had been kept in a crate with a sibling with no socialization, filth and not much care. He was sick and would poo and pee all over anyone who held him. However, I was filled in with all the problems and knew what I was getting into. What a loving little character this dog is now. He still has some fear issues when being walked and goes insane when a car passes us but is improving all the time. I'm now down to two.

When I speak about adoption issues I am speaking as an adoptive mother and wife of an adult adoptee. I am stating what I learned as co-leader of a search and support group for adult adoptees and birthparents in Chicago. It was one of many across the nation: Truth Seekers in Adoption. One of our goals was to forward the right of adult adoptees to access their own birth records. In opposition were (and are) many possessive adoptive parents and adoption profiteers. I'm speaking based on what I learned from hundreds of families over a period of a dozen years. We had adoptees who waited until their adoptive parents died to search. Family members still accused them of 'disloyalty'. We had adoptive parents who were *terrified* they would be 'replaced' if an adopted child searched. Most of our group's birth parents had surrendered (an apt word) because they had no means of support -- as pregnant teenagers or abandoned wives. They had trusted agencies to place their babies in better circumstances; sometimes that had happened. We had birth mothers who had agonized for decades, wondering whether their child had been cared for -- had been wounded or killed in the military -- only to find the child had died in infancy or in an accident twenty years earlier. Many faced unwarranted anger -- most often from male children; men have little understanding of a woman's limited choices. All of these women *loved* their children -- rarely would any be accepted as "Mother" to them. Nobody who searched was sorry they had done it. Fantasies and fears were replaced with facts. Adoptive parents lost their fears and were sometimes surprised at how much more 'at peace' they were. Adoptees learned the who and the why that every born-to child never has to wonder about -- or resist wondering about. This should be a *choice* for adoptees, who had no voice in their removal from one family and placement in another one. In no other social setting do sealed records prevent adults from finding one another and asking if they can meet and talk. Adoption should have nothing to do with 'replacements'.