One of my favorites courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield:

"My wife's cooking is so bad the flies pitched in to have the screen door fixed."

Good timing! I was just reading some Three Stooges one-liners.

"How dare you look like someone I hate!"

"Meet the wife, and don't laugh."

"Were them funny noises comin' outta you or the piano?"

:)

" It's a small world but I would hate to have to paint it."

- Steven Wright.

Mae West:

"I used to be Snow White -- but then I drifted ..."

"Cultivate your curves -- they may be dangerous -- but they won't be avoided"

hahahaha I would have laughed too

Love Phyllis Diller:
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast...turned out to be a trick knee.

Out of the mouths of babes...not a comedian.

Grandson was so glad to visit. We asked him if his mom was having one of her moments. He replied "She's had them from the day I was born or when she was born."

Mae West was such a trip:
When I'm good, I'm very very good, and when I'm bad, I'm better.

Oh it's hard to top Yogi Bera for one liners....and it's hard to stop at just one....

"The future isn't what it used to be."

Mrs. Lindsay to Yogi: "You certainly look cool." Yogi to Mrs Lindsay: "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."

Another Phyllis Diller: House work can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Not exactly one liner jokes, but I love these Winston Churchill comebacks:

Bessie Braddock: âÂÂSir, you are drunk.âÂÂ
Churchill: âÂÂMadam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.âÂÂ

Nancy Astor: âÂÂSir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.âÂÂ
Churchill: âÂÂIf I were your husband I would take it.âÂÂ

âÂÂDon't look at me in that tone of voice.âÂÂ

~Dorothy Parker

Thanks for the snickers so far everyone. Nice topic Faron!

Here is a link that might be useful: Caustic wit & wisecracks