I only gave the girls' boyfriends a gift if they were with us during a time when we were opening gifts so that they wouldn't feel left out. Even then, I made the gift pretty generic like a DVD or an iTunes card tucked into a cute box of cookies. Otherwise, I felt that exchanging gifts should be only between the couple.

I know you said she doesn't wear much jewelry but the Alex and Ani bracelets are very popular with teens now, and you can just buy one or two. They layer them, each one has a different charm on it. They are very simple, so even if she doesn't wear jewelry, she might like them.

I think it is a nice gesture when they've been together for a long time. You never know it could last for a long time and I think it sets the tone for the future. I wouldn't spend a lot though.

You're in cold weather area right? How about scarves or something like that.

No, I don't, but I think it would be appropriate if the relationship is fairly serious and she'll be around during the holidays. Maybe a nice makeup set? Something she wouldn't splurge on for herself.

DS's girlfriend is usually with us on Christmas day so I try to give her as many gifts as I do DS - although not nearly as expensive. I know her style pretty well and she loves funky accessories so I'll get her stuff like a hat, gloves, scarf or earrings. Oh, one year I got her some really cute pajamas. I know she'll be happy with just about anything from Anthropologie. I also give cash - kids love cash! I have special cash boxes that I keep year after year and they know exactly what's in that box.

A gift card would be nice as a supplemental gift but I like giving at least something that has to be unwrapped.

I do if they have been somewhat long term. Having two boys I love buying the girlfriends gifts because itâÂÂs so much fun buying for a young lady for a change. This year I have no âÂÂothersâ to buy for. One son has a revolving door of three. Of the three one is trying hard to make a connection with me but IâÂÂm still not over losing the last one. I get too attached as they have all been really good people. One little slip of a thing liked dresses so thatâÂÂs what she got and another liked great big bright colored leather purses. I would also buy some fresh clean smelly things like body sprays or lotions. There is a product called âÂÂCleanâ and in that line there is a fragrance called CLEAN warm cotton and CLEAN fresh laundry there is a nice CLEAN lotion as well. They are very light and sort of a go too regardless of your tastes in perfumes and such so itâÂÂs a safe gift thats always appreciated.

This post was edited by jterrilynn on Mon, Dec 9, 13 at 18:42

I did. I think a pretty scarf would be perfect-one of those long ones that can be wrapped. Around here, all the girls wear them inside and out. I just always felt that a little something was a sweet gesture and as lyfia said, you never know...

Yes, I have always gotten things for the GF's. Things like hats, gloves, scarves, fun lounge pajamas, earrings, gift cards, body stuff, nail polish, etc. I would figure out how much you'd like to spend and go from there. If she is opening gifts with you than a few smaller things, if not, maybe one nice thing. I was never going to spend nearly as much on them as my own kids so didn't feel the need to give the same number of gifts.

I buy gifts for the nieces and nephews who have serious mates-- i have bought the couples gift cards for a nicer restaurant than their budgets allow (but one I know they like) as well as actual gifts. I don't know any of them well but I do know a few of their likes. For a girl, I like the scarf suggestion-- I'd go for a really nice one (that I got at a cheap price lol-- think tj maxx cashmere) or something that is a small indulgence. Something she wouldn't likely buy for herself.

One year I got the neighbor girl an adorable compact from Kate Spade-- we all need one but how many of us would buy one at 18? I don't see anything like that on their site now but there are some adorable small accessories and everything is 30% off today. Does she go to the beach with you? Perhaps a sweet makeup bag for the beach. Or a day pack?

My older nieces all like urban outfitters, anthropologie and american eagle. Not much that's an indulgence there-- but definitely some fun and unusual gifts-- oh, and UncommonGoods too.

I'd hesitate on jewelry if she doesn't wear much-- jewelry is tricky and their tastes change so quickly when young. Especially between hs and college.

I think no matter what you give her, she'll feel special.

If a boyfriend or girlfriend was going to be with us for Christmas Eve, which is when we open our gifts, I would probably get a generic itunes gift card for the person. None of our kids has had a serious relationship and I guess that's when they start celebrating holidays with each others' families.

Let me start with a "Bah humbug".

Okay, glad to get that out of the way.

My kids are too young yet for any of this, but I have seen a lot with my older siblings and their children's girlfriends and boyfriends.

I would not give her anything. Personally, I don't want my children to get in serious relationships until they have been out in the world. Ideally, been to college, lived on their own, supported themselves, first. Until then I would like them to have lots of friends and lots of experiences. I see a lot of parents "legitimize" relationships at very young ages, and make the other person part of the family. I think it encourages kids to grow up way too fast and take "young love" far too seriously.

IMHO, a gift at this juncture is not needed. Any future relationship will be based on how you treat her as a person, not a token gift.

(edited for a missing word)

This post was edited by mtnrdredux on Tue, Dec 10, 13 at 0:10

Fifteen months is a lifetime in teenage years, so I think that you have to acknowledge it. I have three boys in their twenties and have been round and round this dilemma. I disagree with mtn; I don't think that you "legitimize" the relationship by giving the young woman a nice cashmere scarf or gloves. Whether or not they last, most young people have serious relationships in college!

I don't think a gift card is acceptable. I think it should look like you put some effort into it. Just my .02.

Thanks for all the ideas and advice. She will not be with us for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day -- I'm not exactly ready for that -- but I started actually wondering if HER parents would give DS something this year because they LOVE him (her mother made his birthday cake, don't get me started) and then I'd feel badly if I didn't give her something. In any case, I can also see Cranky Mtn's point to some extent. (Although I will say, good luck with preventing your kids from having serious boyfriends/girlfriends til they're out of college!)

Funky, thanks for the Kate Spade sale tip! I ordered one of the small cosmetic cases, already on sale plus the 30%, and if I decide to give it to her I will, and if I don't, I can give it to someone else! ...even me!

Oh good! Glad it worked out for you, Sue! It will come boxed nicely and will have pretty paper so it will feel special... and I think both patterns are just darling (but i love the pink polka dots with orange trim! I'd use it myself!)

I do get what Mtn is saying-- but a small gift isn't going to have any great impact on how serious the relationship is or isnt. It's going to make her feel special for a moment.. and don't we ALL need more of those moments?

This is what Bath and Body Works is for. The girlfriends that aren't in the adult, long term, potential in-law category.

When the boys were younger and they had young girlfriends-ones I knew woudn't be around the next holiday, I would get a small gift set from B&BW...they were always appreciated. As the boys got older, and the GF's more serious and long term, they got better gifts. My DS (he'll be 26 next month) has a new GF-not sure where she ranks in the ratings-he did bring her as his date to his sisters wedding, and he's brought her to dinner before, but they're not co-habitating. They spent T-giving together, so I'm thinking he'll bring her round for Christmas. So now I need to figure out what to get her for Christmas that is nicer than a teenagers gift, but not so personal as I would give if she were long-term. .

For BF's-I would always get a deluxe car wash/detailing gift cert. Depending on how serious the BF was depended on the level of the detailing service they got. THAT was always a big hit with the young guys. Now they're sons-in-law and I can get them couples gifts and then the guys a nice bottle of whatever adult beverage they like. They always love that!

"I see a lot of parents "legitimize" relationships at very young ages, and make the other person part of the family. I think it encourages kids to grow up way too fast and take "young love" far too seriously."

Agree heartily with this. DS2 had a slightly younger girlfriend at the end of HS for about a year and a half. Her family was from a country where the boyfriend, once officially approved by the dad, was treated like a member of the family---- expected to show up when relatives came to visit, holidays, etc. He was away in school and spent more time with them than us because they lived in the town, their DD was in a different but nearby prep school.

We wisely (for once) said nothing negative, and when he went off to college he got the dear john breakup call a few months later. We were relieved that he had not tied himself down irrevocably in any way. After "serious" relationships of three or four years in hS or college, the break ups among those young couples can be devastating....they are not emotionally ready for that kind of pain and it can wreak havoc with school, friends, activities, etc.

I also agree with Mtn to an extent. I guess I should have said that my DS is 26 and, while still too young, I love his girlfriend and hope she's "the one." They've been together for three years now.

For my DS the best thing that could have happened did. Right after graduating from HS, his girlfriend did something despicable and it really put life into perspective for him. It was heartbreaking to watch him struggle but he gained his footing and became a superior student with the "end game" in mind.

Just to be clear, she isn't invited for the holidays and we're not trying to make this relationship more serious or important than it is. DS has actually already hinted to us that he will mostly likely break up with her before he goes to school next fall (he is my pragmatic boy!), but honestly, I will be happy if they stay together until then simply because I don't want a heartbreak in the middle of his senior year! And they are both part of a large group of common friends, so it will make both of their social lives kinda awkward if they break up before graduation.

And yes, funky, I got the pink polka dots!

Hi, Cranky here!

I didn't think that you were trying to make it more serious, not at all. But I have a strong bias in favor of kids putting off marriage and it is through that prism that I see these things.

I have a nephew who is academically very very gifted. In high school he started dating a very nice, smart girl who is also beautiful. His parents, IMHO, did everything to encourage this match. She was almost immediately subsumed into holidays and vacations. He took a scholarship at a local school that afforded him the funds to get an apartment, where they lived together. They got married right after college and have bought a house and are thinking of starting a family (average time elapsed between such a public declaration and a baby? probably 9 1/2 months!). He has a "good" job and is doing well.

But, IMHO ... especially for a driven, ambitious smart kid, he has played it all wrong. He should have gotten into the best school possible regardless of location or cost. He should have studied abroad at least one year. Then, worked a year or so and gone back to business school or law school or medical school or whatever.

Within all of that, there was plenty of time for relationships, but not the pseudo marriage than started in HS and became an actual marriage. There is plenty of time in life for those things,IMHO. I really hope my children have their own life, first.

This is a long way from giving a small token at the holidays, but I secretly hope for break-ups for all of my (unmarried) nieces and nephews, since I think they are all too young. (Bah humbug again!) Meanwhile I see my brother and sister give such importance to these relationships. I am sure part of it is generational; my parents didn't take my BFs too seriously until I married them, LOL.

Crankymtn - I am so glad to hear you talk about this because I agree. My sons are 24 and 26 and have been in a relationship with their currents GF`s for 18 months. My friends are asking me when are they going to move in together, get married, etc and I`m like, say what!!! How about not for a long time.

Can I stop it, no. But I can sure advise them.

We really like their GF`s and will give them a little something at Christmas. At their ages these could be the ones and quite frankly, I want to start off on a good foot. It will be bad enough being the MIL if that ever comes to pass.

LOL, BLFenton! I know, of course, that I cannot control it, but I certainly want to do whatever i can to discourage serious romantic relationships (with a smile of course). And I think the future DIL or SIl should be worried about starting off on a good fit with me, and kissing up to me! : )

Seriously though, I think serious BF and GF are usually trying to curry favor!

Oh good point! One will bring us a bottle of wine if she`s coming for a family event dinner (not for a casual hey want to stay for dinner) and the other one doesn`t. Mmmmm interesting. LOL.

I look at the girlfriend/boyfriend gift giving as an enjoyable thing to do. To me it doesnâÂÂt make any difference one way or the other as far as encouraging a young permanent relationship.

We all know highly intelligent people that make us scratch our head and wonder why they were not more successful. Highly gifted people do not always have high ambition. ItâÂÂs the missing link for some. There is no way my youngest would ever consider marriage as young as he is as he has lots of plans for his future. It would not matter how much my husband and I liked the girlfriend. My oldest son is ambitious as well but not as freaky focused as my youngest, no way would he be influenced to stop his plans over a girlfriend either.
In my old neighborhood there was a family who had two boys my sons ages and neither one has dreams beyond just getting some sort of job. In their family it did seem to make a difference on the parents pulling the girlfriends in close. One was married at around twenty three and has a four year old already. The family as a whole is not overly ambitious and they all seem to marry young.

ItâÂÂs often an ambition thing that makes all the difference especially when they become young men and think they know it all. When kids are in high school parental opinions may make a difference but not so much when they become young men. Some people are just mid to low on the ambition miter. The important thing is that they are happy.

This post was edited by jterrilynn on Tue, Dec 10, 13 at 16:44

Sueb, you are kind to think of your son's girlfriend in this special way. But, since she is not spending the holidays with you and since your DS is going to break up with her, my vote would be to pass on a gift.
My oldest is dating her boyfriend for over a year now. It wouldn't occur to me to get him a gift.
Mmmm, I think waiting until they are engaged would be a time to start.

I dunno....wouldn't you just give a small, token gift as part of the spirit of the season? Especially if it's someone your child considers a friend? Heck, I even give token gift cards to the crossing guards who work along the route I take to work!

It's me, crotchety, again. I guess the issue is, but for the connection with your son or daughter, there is no relationship (I'm assuming here).

The crossing guards, you do have a relationship with. And I think it is lovely and appropriate to remember them!

Oh, meant to say that I don't know the crossing guards, except to see them on my drive in to work during the school year. I've never spoken to them except to say Happy Holidays when I gave them the gift card this year. I DO now get a grin and a wave from the one grouchy guy!

We like to open our house up to others for the holidays-our kids always had friends who came over, so I always got them a little something, too. One year we invited the grandparents of DS's then GF over for Christmas dinner and I even had a stocking for them with token gifts.

I guess I just feel like it'd be sending a message to your child-regardless of their age-that the person they chose to spend time with isn't worth your time to bother with if you didn't at least acknowledge that person. But gift giving IS a personal choice. I just figure that if the OP is asking, then it's enough of a relationship to acknowlege.

Trying to get a fix on the age of the couple. HS? then no I would not give a gift--unless like suggested she was going to be present for a gift opening and then I would give maybe a box of candy? If they were adults and you were thinking this was serious then perhaps more of a gift but only if she were present for the family gift opening. I do not understand your quandary now that you say son has plans to dump her. Why would she want a token from you in the future? When they graduate, IF he hasn't let her go yet, I can see giving her some money for graduation. Other than that STAY OUT OF his relationships.

I so agree with Pesky's take.. but a big part of that is the fact that gift giving is personal. I love to give small gifts to many around me... not something so big as to expect that they return a gift.. just something to make them smile and feel appreciated. It's what I choose to do. Sue has chosen to give a gift to the gf-- I think it's a lovely gesture and whether it's to acknowledge that she's a great girl OR to save her son some embarrassment if/when he receives a gift from her parents, no matter. It needn't mean anything more or less than what it is.. a small gift doesn't welcome the girl to the family and it won't send the couple off to look at engagement rings, Do you fear that a small gift to a special teacher will make him give all A's to your children? Or that a gift to a neighbor says "if you ever need a loan, just call"? It is just a gift. I don't get the big deal.

For me, the issue of the seriousness of relationships and the kids' future plans is a real one-- but very much a separate issue. How you help guide your kids as they forge their paths into adulthood is much more complicated, situational and personal. Sorry, there's no clear way to ensure that your child will achieve all that you want in their lives.. but I am very certain a gift to a gf isn't going to knock anyone off path.

Arcy, as I said, my DS is 18. No, they're not in a serious relationship in terms of being headed to the altar, but they have been together for quite a while, she's a nice girl, and while I don't think of her as a member of the family, she is I guess a "friend of the family" so as I give small gifts to my neighbors, some of my kids' teachers, and the mail carrier, I sort of put the GF in that category. I don't think there is any negative in giving someone, anyone, a small gift.

He has hinted to me that he will probably break up with her before they both go to college, but that is not to say he's dumping her any time soon. I think it will likely be one of those "let's see other people" breakups...but obviously anything can happen at any time.

Arcy, I do feel like your admonishment to "STAY OUT of his relationships" is harsh. I am no more involved in his relationship by giving the girl a small gift than I would be if I didn't give her a gift. I mean, really, I'm not giving her a subscription to Brides magazine!

Thank you, funkyart and pesky and others, for your input.

I think the beginning of my original question may have been misleading -- what I really wanted were gift ideas, not really whether or not I should give a gift. But I do appreciate everyone's feedback, as always.

Lululemon scarves are always good gifts!

"I mean, really, I'm not giving her a subscription to Brides magazine!"

Lol, sue!!

Fwiw, I was merely commenting on a tangential point in the discussion, not apropos of your son's situation with the gf and apologize if anything else was inferred.

As sort of an amusing follow up to this saga...older DS just called to say he is back together with an on-and-off GF, and she can't fly home for Christmas, so he wondered if she could come here on Christmas Day. Now, I know this young woman much less than I know my younger DS' GF, but if she's coming here on Christmas Day, I really feel like I should have a little something for her.... need to go through the few extra little "emergency" gifts I have stashed away...

I just found out that my eldest is bringing a friend who is staying with them this week. Hes literally a transient right now-flying in from a temporary job in Jamaica to Oregon for a week, then to Chicago for 3 months then back to his native India for a while.

I had picked up some cardamom flavored nut brittle, so im going to give that to him as a token gift. Did get him a stocking, too, since tjat is a tradition in our family.

Im learning to keep token gifty items on hand, since my kids tend to have quite the village in their lives!

Pesky and Sue, how generous your hearts are! The essence of your gifts, to me, is that by giving something you are demonstrating tangibly that someone is seen, is known and is appreciated for being part of a celebration. Especially coming to a family or other gathering at which s/he may feel like the odd one out, the gift recipient will almost certainly feel that receiving anything is a delightful surprise.

Happy holidays to everyone who reaches out to those celebrating, no matter who they are and why they are under your roof!

I have a family Christmas Eve dinner gathering here and have had a number of BF's, GF's of family as well as couple of neighbors that would be alone. I always have something for them to open, like an I tune gift card, a Christmas ornament that would be of interest to the receiver. Nothing that would make anyone uncomfortable but something that makes them know they are included.

So funny! So now inquiring minds want to know, Sueb, what did you wind up doing for the girl friends?

ellendi, it was sort of funny... for older DS' GF, who we have only met a few times and they have only been together for maybe 4 months, I happened to go to a fancy grocery/gourmet shop two days before Christmas so I bought a pretty tin of Christmas tea, a tiny jar of fancy honey, and a tea strainer thing. I gave it to her just as they were leaving to go to a movie Christmas night and she was over-the-top appreciative. Later, younger DS' GF came over (still on Christmas night) and I gave her the little Kate Spade cosmetic bag (that I got for like $20 thanks to funkyart's tip) and she was like "oh, thanks, I like Kate Spade." Like she was not at all surprised. She is more shy than the other GF so I didn't expect an over-the-top response but the difference between the two was sort of amusing.

Anyway, I was glad to have something for both of them because they were here on Christmas day, and a couple relatives were here w/ us exchanging gifts, so no one was left out!

I'd sent a tin of Christmas goodies to my son's GF and their roommates, just a little something for holiday cheer & good will. They all live far away.

But I was surprised when my son, home for the holidays, handed me a small gift on Christmas day, a book his GF had picked out for me. Evidently she & I had a conversation last summer that resonated with her somehow, so she got me a book on the subject we were talking about. I was touched by her sensitivity. I'm really looking forward to reading the book, too.

It's always fun getting an update. thanks Sueb.

I had a couple of holiday surprise guests too--at noon, with the gathering scheduled to start at 2 pm, my son asked if it was ok for his ex-girlfriend to come! They split quite awhile ago (he broke up with her) but I knew they were still reasonably cordial. I'm not sure exactly what the status of their relationship is now but I have always liked that girl so it was nice to see her.

And my daughter asked if a close friend could come. Friend is a Jewish vegan so it was a little challenge for me to ensure there was food she could eat.

It all worked out and I am so glad I always have a few gift items on hand. Gave ex-girlfriend a Godiva chocolate bar sampler and a nice candle. Daughter's friend got an iTunes gift card and a joke book of the world's worst album covers (she and my daughter are both into the indie rock scene here).

They both seemed to have a great time. Son and ex(??) went home to her place together, and my daughter's friend told her afterward 'Christmas is fun-I might have to find a Christian boy to marry!' :).

Ann