O.K., terri, that one finally made me LOL...

I always pronounce the L in "caulk" too, even though I know I'm mispronouncing it. It just sounds better to ask, "where can I find some cauLk"...

Anyone here ever bought one of those things that helps you find studs?

Jeesh, I never even thought about what I was saying. Now I'll be on guard every time I head there. You guys are hilarious. Tell us more.

How about walking into HD and telling guy in lighting/electrical you needed longer nipples?

True story, I was looking to use decorative light kit with my builder-installed (and firecaulked) bathroom fans, I had bought new fans but the motor wouldn't fit in the box, but the threaded bolt (nipple) holding the flat plastic grill and light cover wasn't long enough for me to just substitute the nice domed alabaster light and ring.

ajsmama,I can just picture the look on that guy's face!!!! Did he automatically check out your chest area?

Funny!!!

It doesn't help that I'm a 40D, and yes, he did break eye contact.

OMG these are hilarious!!

While DH and I were dating he called while I was at HD and I said my studfinder broke so I was looking for a new one. He got quiet for a second and then burst out laughing once he figured out what I was talking about.

At another point we were at Lowe's and DH asked if I had seen where the hoes were. We were going to do some landscaping and walking through the garden section. I burst out laughing and then he realized what he'd said and there were some hot women standing nearby so he got very embarrassed. Afterwards we had a huge laugh about it and now we have so many hoe jokes between us. We can't stop ourselves when in the garden section if we walk by the hoes.

Ha. too funny. As soon as it flies out of your mouth you know it was allll wrong.

Dilly - I always use those words too but it's how these were said that makes it comical.

Sorry - my mistake. Back then I was probably 36C but still busty. I've gained weight.

If your car's battery dies don't be surprised if the man smiles after you say..."can you give me a jump?".

I've also learned to think before asking questions at a hardware store. For instance....know ahead of time if you need a male connector or a female connector and whatever you do, don't ask them what that means.

In my area "caulking" is fairly common usage for the product as well as the act of applying it, which I'm sure spares the easily-embarrassed a few blushes. (Peeve: WHY do so many people insist on spelling this "chaulk"?!)

DH and I were going through the Evil Orange a few years ago when I stopped a middle-aged male clerk and asked where the stud finders were. He paused for a moment, tilted his head toward DH and drawled in that flat Nuh-Hampshuh accent "Whut, ain't 'e 'nough foah ya?" to which I gleefully retorted "Nope!" and set DH off into fits of laughter. I think the clerk was slightly bummed that he had not managed to fluster me.

The hardware store can be a festival of double-entendre entertainment if you just relax and let yourself have fun with it rather than going all puckerbutt.

I just had to ask for a jump at the tire store 2 months ago. Thank goodness the mechanic didn't blink - I had DD with me.

LOL

For what it's worth, nobody's Dh would appreciate it if their wife goes in stating that their caulk was all dried up. I admit, I could have a lot of fun with this.

Issues with a septic tank also sends you into a whole 'nother cesspool of fun jokes

Even some paint color names get a little "Risque"...

These are actual current C2 colors:
Vixen, Venus Envy, Fetish, Love at first bite, Obsession, & Gold Digger.

Dead Car Batteries...
I've mis-spoken a few times, and said "Ma'am, can I jump you"? (welllll, it IS very cold up here...)
I'm serious...LOL! You think I'd learn....

CauLk?! Yes, I've got a lot.
I like to help Women get what they need...;-)
.....aaaannnnndd, I DON'T break eye contact!

(Oh no...now I'm gonna burn in H#ll!!)

Faron

This has got to be the funniest thread I've read in a while.

"...rather than going all puckerbutt."

LOL. Never heard that term before. Thanks, Mari!

Well bigger is better when you are talking about caulk. You don't want to run out in the middle.

Yeah, but if you don't use it all you risk having it dry up and clog the tube.

"Well bigger is better when you are talking about caulk. You don't want to run out in the middle."

LOL!

You still on those pain meds? :)

DH walked into the local (very country, very Texan) farm and ranch store and declared he was "just looking for a cheap hoe." Boy, did he get looks, especially since he's well-known and dignified around here. Apparently gardening implements we not what jumped to mind.

DS has that lovely habit of saying "Just a sec" every time you ask him to do something. We were in Target once, and he was playing with the sample video games, and I was trying to get him to leave, but he wasn't done with his car race, and he kept saying, "Just a sec."

I became frustrated and said, in a fairly loud voice, "Bobby*, NO MORE SECS!"

(You might have to say it to get the full import.)

I was mortified, to say the least. He's 14 now, and we get a kick out of it. He was about 9 or 10 when it happened.

(*not his real name)

Thanks ladies... I went into my local hardware store today at lunch and ran the other way when a guy asked me if he could help me. I bought some vintage hardware that needed screws and I didn't need to say the word "screw"!! lol

A few years back I was up at our second home by myself for the weekend. DH called to check in. When he asked me what I was doing, I said "stripping and caulking". I was - stripping furniture and caulking a sink!

Walked into a hardware store in a tough part of town in short shorts... and asked for a stud finder.

Did I mention I was the only woman in there?

> Well bigger is better when you are talking about caulk

Not necessarily. As ajsmama noted, if you don't use it all you risk having it dry up and clog the tube. That's been a problem for me - since I haven't done many renovation projects lately, my caulk dries up before I get a chance to use it. Fortunately, if you look in a hardware store you'll see you can get caulk in either of two ways: it can be long and hard, or short and soft. The former type is called a cartridge and requires a caulking gun to use; the latter type is more like a toothpaste tube and you just squeeze it and it will ooze out. The squeeze tubes hold much less than the cartridges yet are almost as expensive, so they look like a bad deal. But for those of us who don't use much caulk, they're a better choice. It's embarrassing to be at a job site and be squeezing the caulk gun lever as hard as you can and still nothing happens.

"Yeah, but if you don't use it all you risk having it dry up and clog the tube." That is one repair a HD associate cannot help with.

You guys have me so rattled I'm afraid to say anything now. Today I was on the phone asking questions to a guy in customer service regarding a special dryer for dogs. Before I knew it these words came out of my mouth, "when I blow him...MY DOG!...".

After reading thru this thread, I have officially "L'd MAO", so there's no way I could go all puckerbutt even if I tried!

I neglected to mention....

There are STRIPPERS near my paint counter!
Some are much more expensive than others...
Some only take off a couple layers...
Some have small cans/jugs...
(you pay more for larger jugs I guess...)
They're directly across the aisle from the fancy C2 & RL paint cans!!!
I have my hands on these strippers everyday too...
The "Poles" are real close to these as well. Honest.

;-)

Faron

DH in tow...I entered a local hardware store looking for some fancy tools (I love tools).

I bought several (DH does not do tools but was along for the ride) when I passed a stud finder. I said something to the effect of "Oh gad perfect, my last studfinder was a total dud" to which the guy replied, "Ma'am he does not look that bad to me" heh heh

In HD last day after inspection to sell home...I needed to close a couple of sliding doors to a bad deck permanently. My contractor told me about some special screws....

Me to overweight guy at HD working in screw isle "I need a 300lb screw quickly"

At tile store, getting a few things I missed for the install...."I need some black caulk"

And still not with my brain on at said tile store..."No wait, make that two, two is always better than one"

I try to shop silently...

Never but never ask for the color "Pearl Necklace" in the hardware store. I couldn't resist, I saw it on Flipping out. Someone explained it to me later, cause I didn't get it.

.....Jane

Can you explain it or is it too risque for this forum? I don't get it. Then again, it took me a while to get what everyone's saying about "caulk" since the two words are pronounced differently here.

Speaking of caulk - clogged tube. Nothing a razor blade and some duct tape won't take care of.

segbrown - LOL on the "secs"

faron - you are BAD!

Ajsmama they would kick me off of here, if I explained it. Ask Faron what it means. (lol)

I wondered what was so funny when Jeff and his assisant were giggling when the color "Pearl Necklace" was mentioned.
It's rather disguisting and I couldn't repeat it.

....Jane

About 15 years ago I worked in Macy's gift wrap during the christmas season and one of my coworkers was this adorable little old 90 year old lady named Millie. She was just working there to have something to do (and she didn't do anything but stand around and chat but no one seemed to mind because she was so charming).

Anyway one day she is telling me this story about how she wanted to buy an electric organ from the want ads. So she calls up the number and made an appointment to go see it. She brought her tape measure to see if it would fit in the spot where she intended to put it but it turned out to be too big. She started blushing at this point where she said that she could barely tell this handsome young man but she was sorry, his organ was just too big and would not fit.

Hmmmmmm....
Newdawn,
Just what color IS a "Pearl Necklace" anyway....?!?!?
What color clothing is considered correct with one of those?!?!?
Remember...I've "made" a Vixen many times!

I s'pose I COULD give....Oh, never mind....;-)

Ajsmama...
All the comments on this thread, and you call ME bad?!!?
;-)
(I kinda think of myself as the "Austin Powers" influence here!! Do I make you "randy" baby....c'mon...DO I...?!?!?)

Faron

Well I just looked up pearl Necklace in Wikipedia- guess what = it's there in all it's glory.

uh, guess this paint stripper will have to go to check out the wikipedia now. Enquiring minds want to know. I think.
Oh, and yeah, I do know about small tube vs. big tube of caulk drying out. My pain meds at the time didnt let me make my point as clearly as I could have. which is probably not a bad thing.
We have too much fun going to the hardware store- either joking about what something is really called, DH daring me to go ask for something, or us just walking around and talking loudly about risque sounding but innocent hardware items- i am always amused and amazed at the variety of double entendres(sp) you can shop for there.
Faron, see you there.

Wow, I didn't expect to see that on Wikipedia!

OK, I checked it out too - I didn't think you could post pics (illustrations) like that on Wiki! Sorry I asked...

uh maybe I won't look. LOL

So Lee, you're seriously trying to convince me that short, soft caulk is better than long and hard caulk?

Somehow, I just can't consider it a coincidence that the nicknames for so many male parts and hardware items are the same. Sounds like a guy thing...

Well, I learned something new too! Although wiki forgot the caption "drawing not to scale" or "length embellished" or even "yeah right!"

> So Lee, you're seriously trying to convince me that short, soft caulk is better than long and hard caulk?

Only if you don't use your caulk very often. Less obtrusive and frustrating given those circumstances.

And BTW it's actually the same caulk; it's just in a different form. The package can vary, but the contents are the same.

So much ado over latex sealant; I don't get it....

This is a great thread, I needed a laugh, thanks very much!

You people crack me up. If I ever need an extra long screw or a little short screw, I'll just find it myself.

I asked the male clerk at the post office for a roll once. I forgot to say "of stamps." He said he got off at 5! Got off work, I mean.

I am soooo glad this thread hasn't gone missing during the forum problems!

OK, this is not something I came across in a hardware store; rather, I stumbled upon it whilst looking for something entirely different, although it certainly looks like something one might find at Home Depot or Lowes:

{{gwi:1528080}}

Looks rather like one of those oversized 25' tape measures. But then you remove the cap:

{{gwi:1528081}}

My question for you guys is, what is this thing, and what does it do?

Prehaps a portable pocket-sized electric fan you can whip out whenever the heat becomes overbearing?

Nope!

(NSFW, but then, neither is the rest of this thread....)

The above device also bears a startling resemblance to Antec's computer case fans:

{{gwi:1528083}}

What ever happened to imagination in industrial design?

And now back to things that really can be found in a hardware store.... I always have liked answers to questions nobody asked, like, "why doesn't anyone make a combination hammer drill and vacuum cleaner"? Now somebody does! Meet the Bosch 11221DVS Rotary Hammer:

It actually does serve a useful purpose - you know how when you drill a hole in a wall, dust usually falls onto the ground below? Now you don't need a separate Dustbuster to vacuum it up. It costs $356, but it's easily worth that much if only to scare the bejeezus out of people you don't like by aiming it at them while shouting something maniacal and threatening. And as the Gizmodo folks noted, it looks like a leftover prop from the '80s film "Ghostbusters". I gotta have one.