If you don't know her well I wouldn't do it as you can't predict her reaction. She may be totally "creeped out," as my young adult kids say, or she may be flattered. But if you have to ask you probably don't know her well enough, would be my guess.

Weird thought - what if you sent her a similar but not same coach bag? Or a coach wallet or something? Something Coach, basically, without making it evident you creeped her on pinterest. UNLESS -- she told you her pinterest. In which case I think it's fine!

Since pinterest is public, I am not sure how stalker-like it is.

I think the real question is how "significant" for lack of a better term, the price of the bag is in her/your circle. I personally would feel uncomfortable receiving a gift that I thought was "too expensive" from someone I did not know very well. And if might feel pressured to reciprocate "in kind", if not necessarily at the same level of spending.

This is a tough one because it depends upon what the "value" of the Coach bag is to you, and to her. We have a few patients in one office that send the office rather expensive "fruit subscriptions" or that type of thing, and this is their standard "impersonal present" to a number of people and to them this is no big deal, they spend thousands and thousands on gifts like this every year and write it all off. But sometimes it is difficult being on the receiving end of relatively valuable gifts and receive gracefully if it seems like "a bit much" from someone at that level of acquaintance.

I didn't answer the question but it may help you reach some sort of conclusion.

I would think that if you posted something on pinterest, facebook, instagram, whatever, etc. and made it available for the public to view, that you would assume that anyone and everyone could see it. So why would it be creepy for someone to look at things you have posted for the whole world to see? Isn't that the whole point of pinterest ... to organize and share the things you are interested in?

hmmm, interesting thoughts! It's so easy now to "stalk" people online, when it's all out there for anyone to find! It kinda makes it easier to buy people gifts . . .

I had the same thoughts as Pal. I personally would not feel comfortable accepting an expensive gift from someone I did not know that well . . . even if I am soon to be part of the family. Maybe after she is part of the family and you know her better.

Since you don't know her well at this time, I would hold off sending an expensive gift.

Doing so may put pressure on her to think she has to reciprocate with a gift to you in the same price range.

ML

There are many people that are still under the delusion that their online presence is visible only to anonymous strangers or only to people that they want to see it.

They get offended when Uncle John stumbles across their open twitter account or someone's Mom mentions a Facebook post.

Even if you follow each other on Pinterest I still think there is a risk that the gesture may seem slightly stalkerish.

Putting aside price, how do people feel about the Pinterest angle?

Putting aside price (which I am not sure
i can do without some reservations) ---maybe the
Pinterest thing is slightly stalkerish, because I am not sure if people really expect people they know to run across their Pinterest?

We found the Twitter accounts of the tenants who rented our house from us before we moved in quite by accident trying to find one of their contact information, and we were privy then to all sorts of unsavory goings-on in the house including multiple pictures one of the girls passed out in a pool of vomit on the stairs. And of course we could never say anything about this or yell at them for going on the roof or having the police called to the house, because officially we weren't supposed to know about any of it.

I hate to bring that up in a thread about a Coach bag, but the point is that people put all sorts of stuff out there for people to see without really expecting anyone but close friends or maybe some random stranger, to see it. Pinterest isn't a gift registration site and it could also be a random passing fancy.

That's enough votes in the "possible weird" camp. Darn. I can't recall if she told me she is on Pinterest or not.

And here i thought I was soooo clever!

If you don't know her that well to know whether she actually would like the bag and doesn't already have it, I would not get her the bag.

Personally, I have a number of images pinned of things that I was thinking of getting for my parents, and I also have not deleted images of things I already have purchased.

My 15 y/o teen would say that is stalkerish. She called me a stalker after I went onto Twitter and found the account of a 13 y/o girl who was behaving incredibly inappropriately with an 11y/o boy (friend of my son) at the ice rink. His mother told me what happened and I wasn't surprised b/c I knew this girl was a bit "mature." I went online to check out her Instagram account and saw that she also has Twitter. I looked at her Twitter account and was absolutely shocked at the things she was tweeting. When I asked my dd if she followed the girl on Twitter (they are acquaintances despite the age difference), she said no and told me to stop being a stalker when I told her about the disgusting and inappropriate things she was tweeting. IOW, she felt that I had no business looking at a 13 y/o girls OPEN Twitter account. Which, of course, let to a discussion about how if it's out there in the public domain, there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to look at it, especially considering she may, at some time, have contact with my boys and I don't want them communicating online with her.

Of course, that's not really relevant to you getting a gift for someone, but my point is, that I think my generation looks at it a bit differently than the younger generation. Even though they KNOW this stuff is in the public domain, somehow they think it's inappropriate for other people, perhaps outside their very wide social circle or with no apparent connection to them, to be looking at it. IOW, unless you are following this person on Pinterest and she is aware of it, then in my daughter's opinion,it would be a stalkerish kind of thing to buy a present for this woman. And TBH, in this particular instance, I might find it a bit odd if someone bought something for me even if I had it on an open social media site. I can't really explain why, but I think it would make me feel like someone was using my social media to "research" me, even if I knew that I put the information out there in the public domain. But that would only pertain to someone I didn't KNOW was looking. IOW, if I had a book on Pinterest and a friend of mine IRL that I know followed me on Pinterest bought me that book, I'd think that was pretty neat. So yeah, I know, double standard, but just being honest!

So I guess the question would be given that you don't know her well, unless you follow her on Pinterest and she knows that you do, then she may find it a bit off putting.

It is clever, really.

But for some reason really well-intended and thoughtful ideas don't always go over so well because as a culture we are a bit squeamish about generous well-intended, friendly gestures.

I see I'm late to comment, since you've decided, but price aside I would think if you've discussed your Pinterest accounts and know it's a pin she dreaming about actually owning, versus it's pinned for another reason, than sure. If you haven't discussed your shared interest in Pinterest, than no.

You'll know if she thinks it stalkerish by her behavior once she officially enters your family. If your wedding invite gets lost in the mail, if she blocks you on Facebook, if there's always an excuse why she doesn't visit your house when her spouse visits, then you've gone too far.

How about a gift that is representative of her soon to be new family? A photobook of pictures of many of the relatives, some real and some fake, and tell her there will be a quiz. A piece of pottery, glass, collectible that everyone else in the family already owns. Something to do with a family tradition? An ugly teeshirt win the family name and seriously tell her she's expected to wear it on the annual summer get together. Might as well test her sense of humor and commitment to fitting in.

Wow.. i am surprised by the responses here. Pinterest is a *social* network and one that is very clearly setup to encourage sharing interests and ideas with like-minded people-- not specifically friends or followers. My hairdresser comments on my pins every time I am in the salon-- specifically. I just don't see public boards as a private (unless you've set a board as private. My bf and I use private boards for items we are considering purchasing/comparing. We also use it for movies we might want to watch LOL).

Further-- and i know you aren't asking about gift price-- but "rules" for gifts for someone you don't know very well just don't apply to someone who is going to join your family IMO. I suppose it could depend on the relation but even still, that's up to you. My parents have always purchased gifts for the mates who were significant enough to attend Christmas festivities and they were in the same range as gifts they bought for SIL/DIL.. maybe not as personal but financially equivalent.

I say go ahead and get it.. I'd rather spend my money on something I know they'll love and appreciate! I'd be tickled if someone got me something I'd pinned!

One more thought-- I don't think you can compare adults reading/monitoring/creeping teenagers' boards/feeds to adults doing the same with fellow adults.

I think it depends on the personalities involved. Mtnrdredux, trust your instincts. If you are feeling slightly uncomfortable with your idea, then there's something that is making you feel that way.

Well, how did you find her on Pinterest? If you found her by stalking - then no don't do it. If you found her because Pinterest suggested you follow her (or whatever happenstance that lead you to her board) - I would get it for her and include a note about how you saw her pin.

I would think you very clever and kind.

DS is 23. Since he was 15 or so he believed if you looked up a phone number in a phone book to call anyone about ANYTHING that is "stalking". The mindset of the younger crowd is TOTALLY different than my generation. They post their ENTIRE lives on PUBLIC media but they still define anyone not invited or declared to be welcome who reads any of it as STALKING.

All that is important to your question is:
#1 would you get her a gift anyway?
#2 is it in the price range of the gifts you usually give?

Why does she ever have to know where you found out she liked it? As far as she knows the male you are related to told you!!

I'll have to admit, I haven't read all of the responses, but I will later today.

If she is on Pinterest under her own name (I use a pseudonym), then I don't think it is out of bounds for you to have looked at her boards, if for no other reason that to see what her tastes are so you could buy her a gift she likes.

And if you can't remember if she told you she was on Pinterest, then she probably can't either. You tell her she told you she was on Pinterest. And while you were looking at xyz, you noticed this adorable Coach bag that she had pinned. An acceptable "social white lie"

Do you have a Pinterest? If so, you could follow her, then she'd know that you are seeing all her pins and boards so she wouldn't be likely to think you a "stalker" for gifting her something she had pinned. However, you are not sure who she had in mind when she pinned it, was it something she liked for herself or something she thought her sister/mom/best friend might like.

( I pin gifts ideas for others. I don't spell it out on the pin, but I know who I had in mind.)

I don't think I would characterize it as creepy, stalkerish behavior anyway, but following her boards would eliminate that completely.

They recently got engaged and so this it the first time I would have thought to give her a gift. And btw, they do not live locally, but she has spend several weekends at our summer house and one at our primary house, so while i do not know her "well' I am not out of the blue either. We would typically give her fiance (my stepson) gifts and or money equal to the value of this Coach bag, so it seems appropriate to spend a similar amount. And certainly not a situation where either ever feels they are supposed to reciprocate in kind!

I think I went to her Pinterest because she was sharing wedding ideas, IIRC.

DS is 23. Since he was 15 or so he believed if you looked up a phone number in a phone book to call anyone about ANYTHING that is "stalking". Hilarious, and that sounds just about right!

Mtn your last post inspires a different answer: if they are newly engaged I would buy her the Coach purse for Christmas, when you also give your stepson a gift. That seems entirely appropriate and thoughtful. Scary though, how fine that line seems between the perceptions of thoughtful and stalkerish!

Congratulations, btw! Our daughter got engaged over this past weekend and I have a feeling I will have to put aside my dislike for pinterest so we can collaborate. I have just learned that there is a "secret" setting to keep others from seeing a board, and since your future step daughter-in-law (DFSDIL ?) did not use it...

Oh wow, KSWL, how very exciting for you! DFSDIL, LOL. We are not close, partly due to geography, but they are a good couple and we like her a lot. Already a bit of a kerfuffle since they'd thought about having the wedding at our home (which we are only to happy to do, but not everyone is comfy with, ... understandably I suppose). Hopefully there won't be much of that (there has not been before, but weddings bring out craziness sometimes!)

Yep, we have already had the -zilla conversation :-) I don't think she's likely to veer off in that direction but you're right, weddings can be, well, revealing. DH and I eloped and I was actually hoping they would as well, but that doesn't seem likely.

As the person in the fiancée position in years past, I did enjoy big gifts from my future inlaws up to and including a Mediterranean cruise...didn't feel weird to me (felt like heaven to be honest). Thank you inlaws!

Could you call your ss and hint around?

I'd probably go for it.

This post was edited by robotropolis on Mon, Dec 8, 14 at 19:59

Robo, I don't generally find that members of my family are uncomfortable with gifts, and especially younger members.

Maybe a little TOO comfortable ;) Actually the few times we tried to say something was too much we were told in no uncertain terms just to say thank you graciously and accept (and write the thank you note of course).

If this soon to be family member is younger, would she enjoy a "Made in the USA" product?

If yes, how about a leather product from Shinola? They are a fairly new company, based in Detroit, and their main products are watches, bikes and leather goods. All assembly is done here. The leather is tanned at Horween, a long time Chicago tanner.

She might just be the first kid on her block to have a Shinola product.

I've had one of their leather banded watches for about 14 months now and the leather quality is as good as, if not better than Coach, plus it's made here.

Here is a link that might be useful: Shinola

Congrats to both kwsl and mtnrd and their children.

Kwsl, I hope your daughter's wedding planning goes as smoothly as my DD's did. When my DD got married, the only conversation that was even close to cross went like this

Me: you must invite more people
DD: no

She won. There were 12 guests at her wedding - exactly as she wanted. Some relatives were unhappy but they got over it rather quickly.

There was no reception. Everyone at the wedding went out for dinner together after the wedding.

I too have noticed that younger people are creeped out by the idea that "old people" are following them on social media.

I can imagine awkwardness caused by the giving of what many would see as an extravagant gift? But maybe she comes from a background where such gifts are the norm?

My husband's 20-something nieces have advanced degrees, own their own homes, and could purchase, for themselves, all the designer purses they desire. But we have never given them gifts >$50. Thankfully we have all decided to forgo gifts this year!
Edited to clarify purses, LOL

This post was edited by maureeninmd on Mon, Dec 8, 14 at 20:50

Bbstx, that sounds like a winner to me!

Congrats to both kswl and mtnrd!

Does she need to know what inspired you to buy that gift at all? Can't you just be a very intuitive, thoughtful, prescient FSMIL? If she wants to know how you knew that's what she wanted, can't you just say it was something you thought she'd like?

Maureen, Not sure if Pinterest is quite the same, as say Facebook or Twitterfeeds IYKWIM. And as I said, I am pretty sure she told me about her use of Pinterest when she was sharing wedding planning with us.

Am i supposed to give less extravagant gifts then I used to because of some ... assessment ? I think that would be odd.

ETA: a previous poster has posted something about not giving a gift of a certain value unless I assessed that that was the norm for her, which i why I responded as above. I think they reflected that it might sound odd or might not be what they meant so they edited out "asessement". But anyway, the gist of my post is not about the value of gifts. That is a completely different topic and I'm totally comfortable with what we do. It was really all about the Pinterest angle... and again there are enough people who think it may be odd to give me pause.

This post was edited by mtnrdredux on Mon, Dec 8, 14 at 20:55

I think that when you clarified what "joining the family" was-becoming a daughter-in-law-that definitely changed things. I was thinking extended family kind of joining as in a cousin or niece or nephew getting married. This is quite different, so I do not think cost is a factor at all. I would wonder whether she might have already bought it for herself, though. Maybe you could ask your stepson.

kwsl, it was.

I'm getting lost. Is the original question (1) is it all right to give a Coach bag to DSS' intended or (2) is it creepy to look on DSS' intended's Pinterest board and buy her something pinned there?

If the question is (1), my answer is it is perfectly acceptable if it is commiserate with other gifts that are being given to other family members.

If the question is (2) and she posts under her own name, and she told you about her Pinterest board when y'all were discussing the wedding, then I think it is perfectly all right to buy her something you know she wants, instead of the statue of Venus with a clock in the stomach that you have given all of DSS' previous girlfriends.

It's not really clear - is this to be a Christmas gift? Or a "just because we like you and want to welcome you to our family" gift?

If it's a "just because" gift, I wouldn't do it at all. If it's a Christmas gift, maybe. Is the value of this Coach bag a similar amount of $$ that you would typically spent on significant others of your family?

A true and wry-ly funny story: I have 2 sons. Both had very serious girlfriends several years ago. Son #1 was living with his girlfriend. In a burst of generosity and eagerness for my sons to provide me with daughters-in-law, I purchased BOTH girls a Coach bag for Christmas. The girlfriend of son #1 broke up with him by Valentine's Day, taking her Coach away with her. Son #2 married his girlfriend, but they were divorced 18 months later. There went the other Coach.

So, never again will I buy a Coach bag for anyone but myself. :)

We have a Coach outlet here, so a smaller Coach bag is really not much more than a department store bag.

If you are FB friends with her, you can always post a photo of a similar bag and see if she comments.

If she gave you the info to check out Pintrest for wedding info, I would not worry about using it as a Christmas list too.

Yeah, it would seem weirder to over-think this. I guess what I was trying to say (badly) is that I think it depends on what your family's traditions are (and her's).

(I just now see that this is a closer relation than I realized, and why you wanted to focus on the Pinterest aspect rather than the $).

I asked my DD, age 24, what she thought of this dilemma.
She said if you officially "follow" that person on Pinterest
Meaning - she knows you follow her - great then get the bag.
If you do not "follow" her, and she does not KNOW you on Pinterest, then no, sorry it would be creepy.

Maureen, Exactly, it was a pinterest question, that's what I meant by is it "stalker'ish".

Kippy, We don't use facebook, not me or my kids (who are much younger).

Little, These are Christmas gifts. We don't have a huge family, and that is about what we now spend on those we are close to, in some cases nieces and nephews too. Girlfriends I would spend less on usually.

Cyn, I think cost can be awkward with peers (though not always, depends on personality) but I find younger relatives are only too happy to hit us up. : )

Oh BBSTX, you are too funny! How did you know about my penchant for rococo clocks!? But you get a C- in reading comprehension. The post is only about the Pinterest angle.
Oh and I love your daughter's idea. Weddings are fun, but what do they have to do with marriage? To me, marriage should be pretty serious and private. Happy, yes, but not a wild party. My 2 cents.

PS A purchase has been made and sent. It was not Coach, because one of my DD recalled something else that she had mentioned. My to do list is shrinking, YAY!

Ignore me. Check out Shinola.

Hi JMC,

I'd much rather pick a gift I know for sure she would like, and in this case I had that information (something in addition to Pinterest), so I went with it.

But thanks!

PS One of my dinner guests was just telling a story about an impulse purchase of a watch from this cool company in Detroit. SHe then decided it was too extravagant, and went to return it. But the store was closed due to a bomb scare, so she decided it was fate and kept it. Shinola.

This post was edited by mtnrdredux on Mon, Dec 8, 14 at 23:16

Delete

This post was edited by jmc01 on Mon, Dec 8, 14 at 23:43

oh no now im gonna wonder what you deleted, jmc

That's funny.

Wait-- did you get it? I vote YES.

Pinterest is public. Not only do you know her, but she'll be family! (Congrats!) You are not doing this for a stranger. I would love if someone bought me something I WANTED! I would feel great knowing someone actually cared enough to check.

Too many things are bought for people w/o the recipient actually wanting it. Then we have to live with an item we don't want or have the burden of deciding whether or not to keep it.

If you don't get it, just think-- she may be writing on some MB the following: "I got this gift from my future MIL, but I really don't want it. What should I do?"

Lol, Anele.

Not to worry. One of my daughters reminded me of something else that she had mentioned in passing⦠And so I ordered that for her instead.

Other then small random gifts, I don't usually buy someone a gift unless I'm certain that it is something that they want. If I don't know something that they want I go with the "cash plus token "concept.

I think your usual way is the best approach (except in cases like this, where you know what the person wants). Cash is always the right size, and the token gift is fun to give/get.

Glad you found another gift that she will enjoy and will feel more personal!

And psst, congrats to Kswl, too!!