I empathize with your feelings. I have a similar situation. I try really hard to keep a positive attitude and practice two visualization techniques. One is to wear mental armor that protects me from the nitpick arrows shot from my mother's bow. Another is to see myself floating in a river of patience and goodwill. Sometimes, though, I just have to excuse myself for a few minutes and go scream in the closet. Just be sure to stuff your face into a thick coat or sweater so nobody can hear you...LOL!

With some of my relatives, I pretend that I'm an anthropologist, studying some rare species.

You know, as Aunt Sue starts in on her usual harangue about politics, I think, "So the beta female starts to attempt to attract attention from the gathered familial herd. Her voice becomes stident, her face flushes red. She spouts the latest 'news' from a popular blog. She grabs an alpha male's arm to focus his attention on her."

Step back and create a "wall" between them and you when they get tiresome. Observe their behavior and make non-judgemental comments on it to yourself.

If possible, try to keep them busy when they are at your house. Find stuff for them to do. Or have them record stories about their childhood for future generations.

so funny camlan!

Camlan, that is hysterical.

I think that complaining is just a bad habit that older people pick up and then no one tells them it is unpleasant. I have had some degree of success with my MIL by repeatedly confronting her about it.

I don't know what your relationship is with your mother nor how receptive she would be, but as her daughter, maybe you are the right person to bring it to her attention. She walks in the door and starts in, and you raise your hand, interrupt her and say "no, no, no, this is a no-whine zone, tell me something good that happened to you today."

My MIL is the queen of complaints, so I know it's an uphill battle. But I would rather confront the problem than listen to the complaints. And then redirect the conversation.

My MIL never had a nice thing to say or was she interested in helping with anything. When the kids were small, it drove me nuts.

I finally learned to be selfish and just keep busy ignoring her negative ramble. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her. Am laid back, so maybe this is easier for me to shut down and go to my own comfort space.

The hard of hearing is more difficult to deal with. Don't want to be rude and ignore, but it does become trying. I really don't understand how they deal with this, it has to be as frustrating for them as for us.

My son is near deaf hearing (service related_ on one side). Try to remember to be on the good side for a conversation. He is in his mid 40s and has a hearing aide, but as many, will not wear it. They must be more of an irritation to use than not being able to hear. At least he sleeps well on the good ear side.

This didn't answer the hearing issue. Looking for other's suggestions

Aging is really challenging. I think I actually performed a useful service for my mother by being the complaint and criticism hearer. She couldn't do that with just anyone. It would have destroyed her self image to act with others the way she acted with me.

Where does the aggravation/angst/frustration/paranoia go if you can't complain it out? In some old people, the negativity becomes worsening depression, anxiety, a dark sadness. Complaining is one of old age's survival skills.

This is how I've come to see it, anyway.

Of course some people age more gracefully, but I'm not sure how much choice we have in the matter of feeling bad.

I guess my attitude was that the complaints were like the contents of a dirty diaper. They had to come out in order to preserve proper functioning.

I live about 2.5 miles from my elderly mother. Needless to say, she sometimes drives me crazy. This is mean to say, but I am so happy that it is really hard to exit from my street onto a busy road, so she does not drive over here much at all because it scares her. Hee hee.

Anyway, I have learned mental self defense by always keeping in mind all she has been through in her very long life -- the loss of my older sister from cancer and my father moving out when they were in their 60's (sometimes I don't blame him). So, I just let things go. When she delivers one of her zingers at me, I just nod and smile. She has mellowed over time, thank heavens. She really could dish it out when she was younger, although she would be reduced to tears if anyone dared to zing her back. Oy -- just the memory of it!

She is also hard of hearing and won't get hearing aids. Sometimes I wonder if deaf-ish people understand how wearing it is to constantly have to shout and repeat yourself. I find that makes me testy more than almost anything. Also, listening to the same stories over and over and over. I just act like I am hearing it for the first time but inside I am ready to scream "you told me that ten times already".

Can you not be home when they arrive early? Then when you get home and find them on the doorstep just innocently say "oh, we said 5 o'clock! I wasn't expecting you now". Hopefully you live somewhere cold so they soon learn their lesson.

Good luck. Depending on their age, they are not going to change. You just have to let it roll off your back.

I am not a fan of compulsive talkers or complainers and a couple of my relatives are like this. I'm able to just zone out when some people are talking- I appear to be engaged (I hope!) but in my mind I'm thinking my own thoughts. I start by relaxing and slowing down my thoughts and thinking of pleasant things like forests and lakes.

loved your post camlan

When my in-laws would stay with me for weeks or months at a time what finally worked for smooth sailing was blunt honesty. Year after year the visits would always start out nice but slowly over time my mother in-law would wedge herself in between husband and me to set herself up as the alpha and discredit any and all of my decisions or ways. It caused many problems. Over time I tried it all, tried ignoring, tried snappy one liners (some worked and some did not). Finally, after deciding I wasnâÂÂt going to put myself through that sort of stress anymore I sat them down and told them we needed some ground rules. My message was simple and to the point, there is only one female boss in this house and itâÂÂs me.
It worked wonderfully! My mother in-law was actually very sweet but couldnâÂÂt help herself from being a meddler until I would not allow it.

Camlan, you are so funny!

Camlan, you are funny. I cared for three of our elders who moved in with us. 'Mom' (my MIL) used to drive me crazy during visits. She'd interrupt my shower to let me know another bathroom was getting low on toilet paper. She complained about having too many grandchildren constantly. She didn't have the money to buy gifts for all eight of them...

Finally I decided to be honest with her. I was nice but matter of fact. 'Mom, you already lost one grandchild. Which one do you want to lose next ? Aren't you a little wary about making wishes like that?'

'Mom' was a victim her entire life. Things happened to her. Once I was able to be bluntly honest in my response to her, my feelings got in the way of a close relationship. When I was able to respond to her by allowing me to be me, we got very close. She died here in March and I find myself thinking fondly of her a lot.

The key for me was not to let things build up. Good luck with your visit.

camlan - that is so funny. From now on my mother is a rare species.

When they arrive early, go into the bathroom and take a few deep breaths.....then think of some activities to distract them....Mom, can you peel the carrots? Maybe have some DVD's of their favorite old shows on hand to pop in?

I moved away when I was in my early 20's. I had a good relationship with my parents and loved them dearly, but even when they were still in good health I determined that one week is a long enough visit. And I have told my husband that when we retire and move away in a few years when we do visit the kids it will be for no more than a week and we will preferably stay in a hotel. They were fairly easy guests, but a week is enough. We have friends whose husband got a job here and he ended up staying with us for 3 months while his kids finished the school year and his wife packed up and got the house sold. We are still friends, but I think those 3 months took a toll on the friendship.

They are not going to change, so it seems the best you can do is to have things for them to do when they are there...and duck into the bathroom and count to 10 as often as you need to! At least they are not under foot and staying with you for two months!

First of all, if they want to come 2 hours early, give them a key and have them let themselves in. You have a life, and their visits shouldn't interfere with that. Making time for dinner, sight seeing, shopping, etc. is great, but your life shouldn't be put on hold or restricted to spending all your time with them. Don't feel guilty!

As for your Mom and her 'rant', just agree and don't give her ammunition to continue. I'm 71, a Mom/Grandmother, and visit my kids who live in other states. I have never expected them to entertain me. Again, don't feel guilty!!

My mom loves complaining about stuff and when I try to give her ideas of how to fix whatever she's complaining about, all she does is put up road blocks for why that won't work. So I finally realized that she doesn't want to fix anything because then she won't have anything to complain about. So instead I say, "It really sucks that you have to deal with so much injustice." I'm being completely sarcastic but she doesn't hear that and will sincerely say something like, "I guess I'm just too nice." Whatever.

Anyway, I bet this lady doesn't complain about anything!

Here is a link that might be useful: 88 Year Old Gettin' Down!

My Grandmother is just like the dancing 88 year old in the video ... except she is 94! She has never been a big complainer, can't say the same thing about her daughter (my Mother)!!!

My in-laws used to dicker with each other nonstop, all the time. One time I was taking them to the train station and we weren't 2 min from the house and it started. I tried to give them a hint by talking about what a lovely morning it was, etc. No avail. Finally I got fed up and said, if they didn't stop dickering, they could walk to the train station. It got very quiet for a couple of minutes, and then my FIL said, "Did I tell you what I saw the geese do the other day..."

That worked really well, but only for that car ride.

DH and I used to make bets as to how long it would be from when we walked in the door to when they started dickering...used to be about 30 seconds at best.

A gal I worked with had the same issue with her in-laws. She fixed it by giving them a cat. She said it was amazing...no more dickering and instead all they talked about was the cat. A big improvement.

Part of the problem is they don't have enough to do. Had I thought about it, I would've put Dad to work labeling family photos. Now we are stuck with acres of photos and have no idea who is who. Put Mom to work helping cook or fold laundry or whatever. If they know you will give them projects to do, then they will be happy if they enjoy doing them and you will get some stuff done. If they don't enjoy doing projects, they'll stop showing up early.

And remember, only you can make you feel guilty. As someone told me, if my MIL had her way, she'd have me taking care of her 24/7 and guess what...there was no one else in line for the job so it was mine if I wanted it. If I didn't want it, it was my responsibility to set the limits where I felt appropriate. When my MIL would start to get testy with me, I would go to her, hug her and tell her I love her. Worked every time.

As far as hearing aids, my mother was a peach and struggled with wearing one until she got the open-air version. She was much happier with it as the sound was more normal so she wore that one much more regularly than the old ones. For hearing the TV, she got a wireless thing and head phones so she was able to hear the TV effortlessly without cranking up the volume so loud as to deafen the rest of us.

lol Annie! I think you mean bickering. Dickering is trying to make a deal by going back and forth with the price, or haggling. I'm not one to correct someone as my English is always perfect, but I have a feeling that's the word you meant to use.

It sounds like you have the in-laws under control.

I'm about the same age as Annie and I have caught myself using the wrong word a few times recently. I even went back and edited a post that was several hours old! I posted confidant when I meant confident. All you young-uns have so much to look forward to! ;)

Thanks patty-cakes, we always called it dickering as they were quite dickish (brash and insensitive to the feelings of others) when bickering. But I can assure you they are now both well under control...at Woodlawn Cemetery.
;)

But I can assure you they are now both well under control...at Woodlawn Cemetery.

That's the first big laugh I've had today - thanks!

BTW, Annie used the correct term.

Hahahaha....here we use bickering if only women are involved.

Dickering if one man enters the arena.

ML

Any chance of bringing in some fresh blood now and again? I mean, by having someone else as a guest who can entertain your folks and have them be the center of attention for a couple hours?

My sister's BF mother is very much the controlling Queen Bee...my poor sister was really dreading Thanksgiving day-but I stepped in and offered to run interference and I made it a point to give the old gal some fawning over and my sister (and the rest of the family) were able to enjoy the day. When the in-laws left, QB hugged me tight and kissed me good bye. She did let off a zinger at my sister, but I managed to take off some of the insult and my sister felt a lot better.

On the other hand, if your folks are like my mom & her DH-a ringer is a problem. My mother doesn't like strangers and her DH is horribly inappropriate-he discusses sexual things with everyone. Enhancement products, adult flicks, you name it-he'll tell you all about it. Doesn't help that they are alcoholics either. If you dare say anything to either of them, he pouts and starts to get maudlin, she'll rip your face off and start a big fight. So it's a no-win there!

I used to complain about my late MIL being a pain-she'd show up early, too-and she and I butted heads more than once, but I DO miss her now that she's gone. The key was to limit contact and give her a job to do. So when she came early, I'd give her kitchen jobs to do. As for the hard of hearing-my mom's DH has hearing aids, too, and will complain to everyone about how expensive they were and how he just can't stand wearing them, but they were so expensive.

I have suffered a lot of hearing loss myself, so I think maybe some that have and don't do anything about it actually don't realize that they have lost hearing range. I NEED to get in to see about hearing aids, but just haven't gotten that to my list. I now just tell people that I've got a hearing loss up front so they know if I ask them to repeat it, I'm not being a pain on purpose.

Good luck-just make sure to give yourself an out. Let a lot of the small, but highly annoying stuff go if you can. It DOES get old...maybe try distraction? Humor? Honesty, too. "Mom, I want to have fun with you, so when you complain every time you come over, I worry we're not going to be able to enjoy each others company".

Kelly, I've never heard it used in that context. Usually when two people are going back and forth and neither will concede, I've only heard banter or bicker used. I can also understand why/how dicker could work, but bicker seems the more obvious.

Here is a link that might be useful: dicker

Now this is interesting, an urban dictionary, something new to me. I think it first needs to be determined if the *argue-ees* are in fact, dicks. lol

Here is a link that might be useful: dicker

hahahahahahh patty cakes

In my opinion, dicker is not a synonym of bicker. Dicker is a synonym of haggle. But I understood what Annie meant.

Are we done bickering about dickering? I believe this is exactly what the OP came here to avoid....

Someone on another forum I visit recommended this to someone else who is also dealing with family issues...thought I'd share it here...

Here is a link that might be useful: Deflecting hostility

If the above ideas don't work or maybe instead of them, just hug your folks and tell them how much you love them when they start to bug you. Believe me, someday you'll forget this as it's not as important as the time you get to spend with them.

I'd give anything to hear my folks pick at each other again. Or watch my Dad disappear as he slowly descended the steps in our split foyer home getting closer to the door after he'd told my Mom it's time to go and she and I keep visiting. One day he even walked out the door. I have no idea how long before we noticed because he even drove away before we realized he was gone. Mom was so mad, but I couldn't help but laugh as we both knew Daddy was ready for some time to go home. Once I laughed so did Mom. Luckily they only lived about ten minutes away.

Mom's been gone 18 and a half years and Daddy over 12. I'd give anything to see them again. Even in their picking at each other there was lots of love. My hubby and I do that too, so maybe that's why I understand it now. It's kind of a flirting really.

Sorry Annie, don't mean to dicker-bicker over usage of a word. Now I'm done.

Justgotabme, I like your train of thought. Sometimes you have to grin and bear it, all in the name of love.

Thank you Patty.
I can honestly say the only regret I had when losing my folks was that I wasn't able to spend more time with them. We lived out of state for all of our marriage until we moved to Omaha (where my folks lived) in December of 87. Mom passed seven and a half years later of a massive heart attack five hours after walking into an emergency room. The female doctor that came out to tell us (we left while they did some testing) cried and told us how much she adored my Mom in just the short time with her.
While living in Omaha my folks and my family spent allot time together. I'll always feel that time was a gift from God as we were happy in Texas when out of the blue my hubby got a job from a head hunter for a position at an Omaha hospital. Daddy spent allot of time at our house in the six years after Mom passed before he joined her.
Becky's (that's me) words of wisdom are"
So yes, I highly recommend love as the answer to when someone is getting on your nerves. It's more than likely what they need. I strongly believe as we age we crave the extra attention we had as children therefore we tend to act like children do to get it.