Self validation is a human 'condition'. Since you were not at the gathering and not aware of a collection for him, make this known. Actions speak louder than words, so my suggestion would be to buy all the makings for a Christmas dinner~turkey, potatoes, sweet potatoes, chicken broth for gravy, stove top stuffing since the person doing the cooking may not know how, cranberry sauce, and a fresh pumpkin pie. If you feel this is beyond your budget, just buy the turkey. When you give him the groceries, that's when you can tell him you weren't there so want to make this your personal gift to the family. If there are small children, a small gift might be extra nice.

No matter what you do you have no control over what anyone thinks about you. That cannot be your motivation. If you feel the desire to help this family out, do so. For me it would be frustrating because now any gift given will seem small..how does one make an impact all alone? Possibly you could approach the original organizer, suggest not everyone was made aware and start again targeting a wider audience and give another donation with what is collected after the new year. Yours could be the first donation to the new fund. Their need will continue.....

You have an admitted track record of inconsistent giving.

if you want to do something for this man and his family, do it. Make it something that is between you and him...a card with an enclosure or whatever you decide to do.

I would ONLY ask the organizer to include you in the future for this type of thing. And then be prepared to be included for ALL solicitations. You will either reinforce or change your track record. if you're not prepared to be included for all future solicitations, then say nothing and move on.

I'm not very vocal about things bothering me and approaching another wouldn't happen either. My comments come from what I would do personally.

Knowing you like this man, and will have future contact with him, doing something personal sounds like the right thing to do. Perhaps letting him know you are sorry the information for a group contribution was somehow missed. And doing something personally actually makes you feel a deeper part of helping out.

I'm not sure what the personal efforts should be not knowing the family as a whole. But your contact with him will help find the best ideas and suspect you already know a few things needed. Usually in situations like this, the kids are the ones left on edge more. I would focus a bit more on them. Find out if they enjoy building things, where they like to go (a movie has probably not been for awhile). And forget about computer games, too much of a way for them to avoid all and not enjoy the world outside of current situation.

As jmc said, you have admitted to an inconsistent track record for giving. That said, I can't believe everyone in this office gives to everything, every time they are asked.

Yes, you can do something personal for the family, but you are already doing this by covering him when needed.

Your question is if you should talk to the organizer. If this someone who has been organizing all the collections? If so, yes I would talk to her because you do want to donate to other collections in the future, you just can't do all of them.

On a side note, although helpful and caring, we each do have our limit to what we can do. I used to work in a group home in a residential neighborhood. A nearby neighbor left her cats and moved. Long story short, my boss took in five cats! Somehow, collections started and I donated at first. But, I only worked part time and donating what the others were doing did not seem fair. And, actually donating period did not seem fair, although I loved the cats. I started giving less and finally stopped. I am no longer working there, but I assume they are still asking for donations!

My first reaction is that it's bizarre and inappropriate for coworkers to take up a collection for the man. (I especially think the inclusion of bullying of his child in the context of financial woes is extra weird.)

Having said that, whenever such a collection IS taken up, it should ONLy be done anonymously--- "from your friends at corp. xyz" or "from your supportive coworkers" or even "from the real holiday elves" or something similar. Having individuals who donated ---or were perhaps coerced to give--sign a card is unbelievably crass. Did they also note the amounts each person gave?

Giving anonymously gives an additional gift to the recipient--- it frees him of the need to act grateful to his coworkers (and thus lower his own workplace status). It also confers dignity on the givers, acknowledging that they did not give for recognition. But, clearly in this case, all who gave did so for their own aggrandizement. Most giving of this type is best done anonymously.....if not, it's pretty clear the motive is not wholly charitable or altruistic. I certainly would not worry about being excluded from that particular group.

Ditto what kswl said. I was trying to formulate the same thoughts in my head while reading the earlier messages, so thanks, kswl, for saying so eloquently what I would have tried to say!

Whenever I have been in a situation where maybe not the whole group contributed to a gift or donation, the card still was signed "by the group" rather than listing individual contributors.

Giving him the donation in such a public manner is beyond tacky. Hey, let's make his private problems public, while patting ourselves on the back for being so thoughtful. Nothing like having confirmation that your personal issues are being discussed and analyzed by all your co-workers. It should have been done quietly and anonymously.

Is it possible the organizer thought or expected that everyone knew about the collection, via an email or memo or water cooler chats, and those who wanted to give had the opportunity? If that was the case, then she couldn't be blamed for not seeking out those who didn't contribute to ask them about it. Then it would be her pressuring them into participating.

That doesn't forgive the inappropriate way the gift was presented but it might explain how some people were missed.

I wouldn't explain anything to him about why you did or didn't participate. If you're moved to help him in some way, do so, without explanation, justification or fanfare. A genuine expression of friendship and concern, done in a way to spare his feelings and not make him the object of pity, is what is needed.

I wouldn't speak to the organizer either. Someone above was right, she'll hound you for every single collection in the future. She is either clueless or she deliberately avoided you and others for some strange reason and you can't change either of those things.

Giving him the donation in such a public manner is beyond tacky. Hey, let's make his private problems public, while patting ourselves on the back for being so thoughtful. Nothing like having confirmation that your personal issues are being discussed and analyzed by all your co-workers. It should have been done quietly and anonymously.

Oh, my goodness - yes. I think that's what would bother me most about this whole scenario. The organizer probably had good intentions and her heart was in the right place, but the way that this was made public was completely inappropriate.

Since you are a large office, the coordinator should have sent a mass email to everyone to ensure that no one was left out...period. It should have not been based on what you did/did not contribute to in the past. Everyone should be included every time. As stated previously, Im sure in a large office not everyone gives to everything....you have to pick and choose or there goes your paycheck every week!

You might want to do something personal for him at a later date and if it comes up at that time tell him you were not lincluded in the preveious group gift. If you do it now, it might just look like you were embarrassed into doing something since your name was not on the card.

I would definitely talk to or email the coordinator (if she is always the ring leader) and say something like "Im sure it was an oversight, but I was not included in the group gift for Hank and it was embarrassing for me and others who also were not included when the gift was presented in public. In the future, please make sure you include everyone but with the understanding that not everyone is financially capable of contributing every time. In this regard, I also think a card from the whole group is more appropriate than individual signatures so no one is singled out for not contributing." (Yes, there will always be some who will never contribute because they will get credit anyway with the group card.....but better that than people being singled out.)

If there is no specific person who always organizes the gift giving..then I would talk to management and ask that the top brass send out an email to everyone stating the same thing...everyone is to be included in group gifts and the card should be from the whole group.

I also work in an office where numerousl smaller departments make up a whole building. I don't contribute or sign cards for people I don't know generally, but would probably make an exception in a case like you described.

I disagree that it was inappropriate for the group to take up a collection. I am thankful that I work in a setting where people are caring and compassionate. For all the little things I don't like about our workplace or the things that get on my last nerve, I am so proud of how our group pulls together when one of our own needs us (whether it be financial help, meals when someone is ill, etc., etc., etc.). Many people spend more hours with their coworkers than their family. The group I work with has become like extended family and when the going gets tough for one in our group - we pull together to help that person.

What IS inappropriate is the way it was handled. I am frequently the one who takes up collections or pulls together an "event" (baby shower, our annual Thanksgiving dinner, retirement reception, etc.) and never, ever does the recipient get a listing of who contributed to the gift. It kills me sometimes that there are those who NEVER contribute, but still, I don't think you can list who actually contributes. It's from "the group".

I think Pattycakes has the best idea for how to smooth things over with your co-worker. As for the worker who takes up the contributions, if you want to contribute more, I would ask that person to include you.

tina

Please do not complain to mgt about this. How will poor Hank feel if now a company wide email is issued about the appropriate way to give? Not only is his home life difficult, he is now the source of office angst about gift giving.

I also still say don't talk to Hank about any of this. How do you expect Hank to respond if you tell him you and others weren't asked to contribute?

Since you admit you're thin-skinned, I wouldn't recommend talking to the coordinator because there is too high a risk of further misunderstanding and hurt feelings. If others were excluded and feel strongly enough about it they will speak to the coordinator.

Hopefully, next time it will be handled better and the good intentions and supportive gestures will be the only noteworthy things about the incident.

The intent behind the collection, I have no problem with. But as many of you have said, it's how it was done.

There was an e-mail that was sent out -- to certain people. Whether it was an oversight that some people who have worked closest to the recipient didn't get an e-mail, or whether it got lost in the computer system, I don't know (that's part of my question -- do I ask the organizer point-blank whether she included me but there was a computer glitch?)

One explanation that another co-worker gave me was that the organizer didn't want people pitying this guy, knowing everything about him. So even tho I never saw the e-mail, she would have had to explain -- even in vague terms -- what the reason for the collection was, so that doesn't ring true to me. Besides, concerning 2 of the reasons I mentioned in my original post, a lot of people were aware of anyway. (And pity wouldn't have been the reaction of any of my co-workers -- most are a lot more compassionate.)

Well, this organizer has been off for a couple of weeks, so I'll have to wait another day or two should I decide to share my advice for the next time this situation arises. Thank you for suggestions to show my concern to the family.

Figuring out how other people's minds work is an exercise in futility sometimes!

HH makes some good points that I didn't think of. If it were me, I'd still want to do something for the guy. You don't have to tell him you were excluded. Really, all that doesn't matter. What matters is that you and whoever else chose to - are helping this guy and his family.

tina

"One explanation that another co-worker gave me was that the organizer didn't want people pitying this guy, knowing everything about him."

If that were the case, why was the gift given publicly? Does not compute.

I would address this impersonally at the level where the decisions to do such fund-raising are made. If that's the organizer of this event, so be it. Just say politely that it would seem to be a good idea to give all employees the chance to donate or not as they choose, rather than have that decision made for them. Or limit the appeal to a specific, defined group, such as a department or branch, instead of random people throughout the organization.

You don't have to get into this specific incident if you don't want to. You can just keep repeating that you would like the opportunity to make your donation decisions on a case by case basis, and that means getting the announcements for all such occasions.

Pam, please check back and tell us how this was resolved.

I think you should absolutely not speak to your higher-up-the-chain organizer. Can't see what possible positive result could be obtained and almost certainly there would be negative repercussions. If nothing else you will be branding yourself as a complainer, particularly since you don't contribute regularly anyway.

I would let it go. Even the suggestions about doing something individually edge uncomfortably close to turning this poor guy into the office's pet charity project; after a public hoopla has been made, to sidle up and do your own thing may be perceived as jumping on the bandwagon even if you don't intend it that way.

Again, my advice is to release this one into the world of organizational dynamics run amok. Enjoy the holidays, be a good colleague in the best way you can and move on.

Ann

You're a kind person, tinaM, and obviously speaking with a kind heart. But not everyone is a happy recipient of this kind of gifting, which is why IMO it should be done anonymously. And when i read this

"Many people spend more hours with their coworkers than their family."

I think in that situation boundaries are even MORE important.....jJust a different perspective I guess.

What kswl said... Tacky, tacky, tacky.

"But, clearly in this case, all who gave did so for their own aggrandizement. Most giving of this type is best done anonymously.....if not, it's pretty clear the motive is not wholly charitable or altruistic. I certainly would not worry about being excluded from that particular group."

How humiliating for this gentleman that they gave him this "gift" in public.

Do your best to let it go and move on.

I'd take care of both sides of this situation quietly.
One, if you want to give to this man's family then do so without anyone else knowing. Whatever you give do so when no one is around but you and he.
Two, I'd talk privately to the coordinator telling her you somehow missed the message about the recent collection and though you can't give to everything you'd like to be given the choice so you could give when you can.

So no one should ever bring concerns to management for fear of being labeled a complainer? Pammy indicated that some people were excluded, whether it was intentional or not, she and the others will never know unless she/they have a polite conversation with the organizer. Like someone suggested, maybe the organizer assumed word got around and Pammy and others did not want to contribute. She might be mortified to find out that some people never knew about it and will make sure everyone gets the message next time. However, if certain people are being excluded every time then management should be made aware and address it...I didn't mean "tomorrow" on the heels of this incident...but perhaps in a few months or when the next group gift comes up. I doubt it will need to come to that and all can be resolved by talking with the organizer.

Joanie given your original suggested phrasing:

"Im sure it was an oversight, but I was not included in the group gift for Hank and it was embarrassing for me and others who also were not included when the gift was presented in public. In the future, please make sure you include everyone but with the understanding that not everyone is financially capable of contributing every time. In this regard, I also think a card from the whole group is more appropriate than individual signatures so no one is singled out for not contributing."

I do think that sending a note with what you wrote above to a higher level employee is courting some very bad reactions.

Telling someone who is above you on the org chart to "In the future please make sure....etc" is not only harsh but strikes a tone of directing a subordinate who has done something wrong.

I can't honestly think what positive result will come out of that and it does come across like a complainer to me. Especially coming from someone who doesn't always contribute anyway; if the OP had diligently chipped in every time and been excluded, that's one thing. But such is admittedly not the case here.

Maybe this is acceptable in your work environment Joanie . But to reprimand a superior after not being a 'team player' (and I'll bet that is what some people, fairly or not, already think of the OP) is just not a good idea in my opinion. I still say let it go.

Ann

Thank you KSWL. I see your point and I agree that we look at this with different perspectives. But nothing wrong with that!

tina

"Reputation is what others know about you; honor is what you know about yourself."

If you need to do something for this person, for your own honor, fine. Ignore the rest of the drama with the organizer.

I didn't read all of the responses but can completely understand how you feel. If it were me, I would do whatever I could afford to do (no matter how big or small it is) and give with an open heart. Even something as simple as your favorite home baked desert would be special. I also wouldn't make a big deal out of the oversight of not being included, but I would just let him know you weren't aware of the collection being organized for him but that you wanted to contribute to his holiday as well. Don't let the ignorance of one spoil the beauty of the gift.