Have you considered taking her to see a counselor? I was an A-B student most of the time, but the year I was 13, I dropped to being a C-D student. I was so miserable that year, I plain didn't care about homework or how I was doing. If she's doing poorly because she's depressed, the things you're doing may just be driving her further into that state.

Maybe I'm projecting too much, but 13 was such a bad year for me that I wish someone had recognized the signals for what they were. I think that back then, I would have been furious and resistant at the idea of seeing a counselor... but I also think that it might have made a difference. It may be worth thinking about for your daughter.

Sounds like she needs help to get organized. I'd step in and help her create a system that works for her. It may cost a bit of money but this worked well for my kids and just this year, a grandson. Some kids are hopelessly disorganized without support.

The quick answer is to have her teachers sign off on her log everyday to ensure that the assignments have been recorded acurately and that she has turned in the previous days assignments. You will need to sign her log to ensure that she has completed all of the assignments in the log. That is the quick answer.

The longer answer is more complicated. I know you love your DD and as a family you have struggled with your health and her behavior. I know you care and are trying to be a good parent to a difficult child. Something, however, is terribly wrong. No 13 year old, 8th grade girl should live the desolute life you describe: no tv, no phone, no computer, no friends. That has got to be one of the most depressing situations for any hormonally challenged 13 year old girl. Please go see a family councilor. I know you got to this place incrementally in response to her behavior. However, now that you are here, you can see that it is not a good place and it is not what you or what she wants. Please seek out a well trained family councilor and let them help your family become the happy and vibrant family you all want.

Best wishes to you and your family.

"So, she has nothing to take away. No tv/games on weekdays. Has no phone to text, does not take calls on home phone. No computer, no ipod. Does not have friends over, no going to friends. She goes to school and comes home. She does some chores if we stay on her like white on rice. I only take her shopping to get things she has to have. She just got a new hoodie because she has none. I guess I could have gotten her a plain grey one instead of a name brand. Hmm."

It sounds like she's very unhappy and I'm sorry to say that from the descriptive above, I'd be unhappy, too. I understand that you've had family challenges but I think that somewhere along the way you've gone overboard with your response to her behavior and it's making the situation worse. She lives in a home for goodness sake, not a prison. Your hard-line dictatorial tactics are obviously not working. I know this has been suggested before and I don't know if you've heeded the advice, but you all need to go to family counseling to help put your family back together before it becomes irretrievably broken.

I absolutely agree with geogirl1. Your daughter won't suffer from a relationship with a counselor/therapist.

Separately, you can't force/control/manipulate your daughter into turning in the homework.

If I were a teacher, I absolutely wouldn't chase her around, looking for her to turn it in. IT'S NOT THE TEACHER'S JOB.

All kids growing up learn about consequences. If you do or don't do something, there is a consequence. Not turning in homework has the consequence of a lower grade. Learning these lessons is part of life. While you may have a strong desire to protect her, you wouldn't be doing her any favors.

Please get your daughter some help and let her grow.

I agree that you perhaps have gone off the deep end in restricting her. Yes, you need to be diligent on what and where and who's she's doing things with, but I agree with the others that she sounds like she's depressed or at the very least gotten to the point where you can't take anything else away from her so why do the homework?

I would try the reverse psychology and propose her earning back things she wants with positive behavior. If she turns in her homework, she can watch TV. If her grades go up by next grading period, she can have her phone back. If things continue to stay positive, she can have friends over or go to a friend's house where there's supervision. etc.

You have to get her to the point that she realizes she needs to control her own actions. You have control over her to some degree now, but in a few years you won't and you'll have an angry resentful teenager on your hands.

Since you've taken it all away, try the tactic of giving it back if she does behave as expected. And honestly, a slip up here and there isn't going to turn her into a delinquent. If I remember correctly, the bigger problem your daughter has is she doesn't have alot of good friend choices to make. I've learned the hard way that it's really the friends your kids hang out with that affects their behavior and choices as they get older (I'm talking 17-18).

I would look into alternative schools for your daughter for high school - charter school, magnet school, private school. You need to get her into an environment where she is around kids who have good positive goals they're going after.

Our DS used to do the same thing. He had a long history of issues including anxiety and depression which, in elementary school, manifested as "bad behavior" to untrained teachers. Very long story, but he ended up in a therapeutic school until age 12, then a private middle school that was a nightmare, and finally, a high school that really worked for him. It was a small school that did not have special-ed services but was open to kids with "learning differences" and was very small (50 kids in his graduating class). The happy ending (so far!) is that he is now a first year student in college -- which is also turning out to be a great fit for him. It's a small, quirky/artsy school and he loves it.

Anyway, we had the same homework battles throughout high school. Sometimes he wouldn't do the work (hated math, so didn't see the point in putting in any effort there) and other times, he'd do it but wouldn't hand it in. It was a constant battle and often, DH and I would try just backing off and saying nothing, figuring DS was somehow enjoying this conflict with us in some strange way. I can't say that we ever found the right solution, although finally in his junior year he was diagnosed with ADD so our understanding of that helped in some ways. I can also say that now that he is in college, living two hours away, he obviously has to do his work without us hounding him, and he seems to be doing it! It hasn't been perfect -- he had to drop a class to stay afloat -- but he does seem to be doing better than we expected.

I agree that an alternative school may be the answer for your daughter. We found that the right high school really turned our son's life around. And it looks like taking "everything" away is not helping anyone. I agree with Caroleoh that positive rewards work better than punishment. It's NOT EASY. I know that. We had some ugly moments with DS during his high school years especially.

Have you tried any counseling?

"So, she has nothing to take away. No tv/games on weekdays. Has no phone to text, does not take calls on home phone. No computer, no ipod. Does not have friends over, no going to friends. She goes to school and comes home. She does some chores if we stay on her like white on rice. I only take her shopping to get things she has to have. She just got a new hoodie because she has none. I guess I could have gotten her a plain grey one instead of a name brand. Hmm"

If all of this was done because of her behavior problems (sorry, I don't know the back story on her), then I think her not turning in the homework is her only way of protesting. Counseling for all of you to help her find better ways of expressing herself might be useful.

One thing you could try is to slowly give her back some of her privileges if she turns in her homework. One week of every single homework assignment turned in on time, and she gets X hours of TV during the week. Miss turning an assignment in on time? No TV.

You can do the same thing with her chores. Stop monitoring her chores so closely. Just note if they are done or not. Done every day for a week? She gets a specific privilege for the next week. Not done every day? No privilege the following week. No yelling, no arguments, no tears, no drama. Just her parents checking to see if the trash was taken out, or the laundry done or the dishwasher emptied or the bathroom cleaned on schedule.

To take all this away from a kid and not give that kid some system to earn at least part of it back, sends the message that no matter how good they may act in the future, there is no hope. They will never get the chance to do anything fun. They mess up--they get nothing. They do well--they get nothing. Why bother to be good, if you are treated the same way as when you are bad?

It sounds to me like she has finally won the power struggle. She is "being bad" and finally there is no way for you to "punish" her. You have taken away everything and now have absolutely no leverage. You have essentially backed yourself into a corner and have perhaps broken your child like one would break a horse.

I have read your posts over the years so I am aware of your back story. I don't think that solving big parenting problems is something one can do on a decorating forum and you have big parenting problems. You know it. I agree with those who suggest you need family therapy -- lots of it and right away.

As the mother of a 17 y.o. girl I can tell you it just gets tougher. If you don't get a different plan soon, you may have a disaster on your hands.

I don't know your back story, but I do know that every child is different. I think you need to figure our 'why' she's doing this.

My DS would never do homework either - he could take the tests and make A's, so he felt like homework was redundant, boring, and unnecessary. I tried several things, but the one that worked best was for him to do homework at the kitchen table (so I could see him doing it) for an hour (or two), then he got an hour (or two) or so of TV, video games, etc. It got to where he was asking to do the homework so he could get the reward. If he had no homework, he could read a chapter, do more math problems, or I could choose to give him a day 'off' occasionally.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure the lines of communication are open. It's hard at that age, but so necessary. Be sure to take time to talk to her about her day in a friendly way so you will know what's going on in her school life and in her head. I'm not saying be her 'friend' - you are her parent - but you want her to know she can come to you about anything. And you can't just tell them that. You have to show them that every day.

Good luck.

I know your "back story" and agree that family therapy is long overdue!

I know you have taken everything away from her because you love her and want to be on top of her, but it is obviously not working. I agree with everyone who has said you need family counseling. Thirteen is such a tough age, it was personally the worst year of all my adolescence. Combine that with all you and your family have been through the last year, and you have the perfect storm.
When I was 13, my mother did the same thing to me. I would back talk, and my phone priveliges were taken away. Any rule I broke, she would punish me in some way. I remember getting to a point where I didn't care anymore, and I purposely broke rules, or I was mean and said awful things, just to punish her because I was angry she took all my priveliges away. When I was 14, she was at the end of her rope with me, and we started family counseling. My mom was SHOCKED to learn how damaged I was from my parents divorce (which happened when I was 9). To her, it was something that happened to her, she never once thought of the impact it had on her kids.

My gut feeling is there is a LOT going on in your 13 year old's brain that you don't know. Taking things away from her is not the way to go, she needs more. I agree positive reinforcement goes a long way. But I also think there is a lot more going on here that will need the help of a professional to solve.

Sounds exactly like my DS. Super smart kid, could ace tests and was a whiz at math. He'd do the homework and assignments but would not turn them in. He'd get detention, have to do the work in the detention hall, and STILL never got it turned in.

I tried everything, including planners, conferences, weekly check-In with teachers, but nothing worked. I couldn't afford to put him in a private school, and counseling turned up nothing (they said he was a bright, creative boy who was socially and emotionally well adjusted). I was at my wits end.

He ended up repeating his senior year of HS, but dropped out without earning his diploma. He took the GED and scored perfectly. He's taken college placement tests and is qualified for 200 levels in most subjects. He's a smart kid! But nothing, I mean nothing, I could do would get him to do what was needed to pass his classes.

He's almost 23 now and is looking to go to college since he got laid off from his job (apprentice to an artist).

My kids didn't do the traditional AP/college at 17 path, but I don't feel they're lacking in life. My eldest is almost done with her degree, and she's got a lot of life experience to add to her career path. My younger DD suffered thru HS but has excelled at college.

I guess what I have to say isnt really helpful, and reLly goes against the norms, but I suspect your DD is very gifted, and as such doesn't fit in the 'mold' of traditional school. She may need some alternative such as a charter school or something.

This story is painfully familiar, so I will tell you mine and hopefully it can help you. Hindsight does help here. I went through the same thing with my now 19 DS. He was always an A student, very bright and scored very highly (98th%) on standardized tests. He was identified as gifted in second grade. Socially had some problems all the way through school. He was the "nerd" if you will, not the popular kid! Anyway, his junior year we started to see his grades take a severe tumble. At about the same time, I received a phone call from a teacher who was concerned because he hadn't turned in any assignments and the teacher had warned him. The end of the semester was approaching and rather than fail the teacher was willing to accept his assignments late and grade at 80% instead of the 100%. Better than nothing. I talked with DS to find out if anything or anyone was bothering him and he said no, but wasn't able to articulate why he wasn't able to follow through with handing in his homework. He took his semester exams and scored 96, 98, etc on all of them! He also received a 33 on his ACT exam yet was practically failing in school! Something didn't add up! There was such disparity between his everyday school work and his exam grades. Depression came to mind, but I was at a real loss as to what was going on. Nothing was changing even after speaking with him. I was so concerned and frightened. Ironically, my husband had received an invitation from his boss to attend a fundraising dinner for a private school in our area that educates and supports kids with dyslexia and ADD and ADHD. MY DH's boss gave a very moving speech that night about his own son and the struggles they had had. They had sent him to military school, and also had an intervention of sorts where counselor's actually came at 4:30 in the morning to take him away for treatment. The reality of all this was that their son was not 'bad' or 'acting out', but was instaed finally diagnosed by a neuropsychologist with ADHD. Not something that the parents had ever considered. I sat listening to this with tear's in my eyes because EVERYTHING sounded just like my DS! I started going to websites to learn more. In the back of the program from that fundraiser was the name of a psychologist that specialized in adolescents with ADHD and he was in my area. Until then, I had never considered it because my DS was not loud and hyper but rather passive and quiet. I made the appointment and after some diagnostic tests and talking, my son had the diagnosis of inattentive ADHD. And boy, did he fit the bill! Inattentive is a great word for him. The next step was finding a medication that worked for him and this took some time. Not always easy, but we spent the better part of a year trying to find something that worked. There are lots of categories out there! I tell you my story because just like the night I attended that fundraiser, I had never considered ADD either. In fact, most teachers don't either. They don't always have the time with so many kids to teach. Things DO jump out at me now about him. He is extremely forgetful, a big hallmark of inattentive ADD, thus forgetting assignments etc. I even told the Dr. that when DS was little we nicknamed him "The absent minded professor"! His reaction was "BINGO"! His senior year DS applied to 5 colleges. He was rejected from all but one! Today he is in his sophmore year at Case Western and we take it one semester at a time. So far so good!
So, just like the night the angels led me to that dinner or our stars were aligned or whatever you want to think, I hope you will consider my story and start a conversation with your family doctor. You have nothing to lose! Good luck to you and your DD!

I am not going to be helpful here, but I have to say, I hate homework. I do not understand its purpose. Only the well-paid (and teachers) in our society bring work home. Why do children? A study was done about its effectiveness-- for high school students, the maximum amount of time was ONE HOUR daily.

I think your relationship with your daughter is more important than anything. I would spend no time talking about homework with her (or punishing her for not doing it), and I would spend every extra minute getting to know her more . . .doing something fun, talking, enjoying life. She is obviously a very smart person who realizes that she does not need to do homework to learn. School is too easy for her. I hesitate to suggest more challenging classes, however, because I think we all need to check out of the rat race. A gifted school might work as long as it isn't focused on being competitive, but rather about deeper, more meaningful learning.

If you have a chance to see the film Race to Nowhere (link below), please do.

Here is a link that might be useful: Race to Nowhere

Here is another good link . . .

Here is a link that might be useful: ODD