So sorry to hear of your mother's stroke. Those things are so devastating. Hopefully she will make significant gains while recovering. It happens but takes a lot of work and determination, at the beginning, on their part. She is lucky to have you!

Oh man, I am so sorry to hear this. Wow! It's so hard to make decisions to know what is best for everyone involved, especially when you are emotionally reeling from the shock and the worry and everything else.

First thing to do is breathe. You will get through this.

Second, make maximum use of all of the social services that are available. Those people are wonderful and know the ins and outs of the system, so let them help you and don't be afraid to ask for help.

It's hard to know what to expect when Mom leaves rehab as you don't yet know how much capability she will recover. But the intense physical therapy is really her best bet at this point.

Seriously, is there a way to take vacation or a leave of absence from work to get your home situation straightened out? Looking back on when I was losing my Mom to cancer, I wished I had. Instead I just kept telling myself it was a work/life balance issue that I had to manage and I put myself through all kinds of he!! getting it all done and trying to keep it all together, as well as not being able to spend as much time with her as I wanted to during her final months on earth. Regardless, shed whatever burdens you can, even if just temporarily.

Also, rely on friends and neighbors...can they help with transporting your child about at least temporarily until your life gets more settled?

Perhaps the worst of it is everything that comes crashing down at once including the legal aspects, the financial aspects, the physical toll, the emotional challenge as well as the situational ones, and even the mundane like her mail and newspapers and did anyone empty her fridge or water her plants.... It's a lot of burden to carry. Can you get help with any of that from your husband or siblings or even cousins if you have any?

As far as having Mom move in, you'll have to play that by ear based on her condition when she leaves rehab. We found our local senior center helpful in that they have a loaner closet for equipment to make the home safer and more user friendly for the elderly. Find your local medical supply place...you may need waterproof mattress covers and diapers and even a hospital bed depending on how mobile she is. Also, the social services and visiting nurse people can help you with in home care, PT, and other services like wheel chair rental. As you learn of her condition, you can decide at that time to perhaps have a day person in to help her while you work...maybe just 4 hours a day to cover lunch time...if you can do bkfst and dinner. The social services people can put you in touch with agencies that provide those services.

Finally, I know it's impossible, but do your best not to awfulize and catastrophize. It will be what it will be and worry won't change the situation at all...it will only exhaust you. Remember, fear is not fact. Try to live in the moment. Do what you can to reduce stress be it to make lists, or talk to someone or post here to unburden yourself. You will get through this.

Sending you comfort, courage and hugs.

I can't add anything more useful than what AnnieD so wisely said, but just wanted to give you emotional support, GWlolo. It's a really tough situation you've been thrown into. You'll probably manage it well, but please continue to come here for friendly encouragement. Wishing & praying for all the best outcomes for you.

Wow, I am so sorry your mom is going through this.

I have nothing to add to the excellent advice Annie gave, except that you need to feel out whether your mom wants to come to your house versus an assisted living situation. Is this something you talked about in the past? Try to involve her in the planning process as much as possible.

So sorry about your mum and -- of course -- sending all strong coping thoughts for you and your family too!

Yes -- another one to echo Annie's very wise thoughts and ideas ... clear your own plate first ....

Breathe! Breathe!

I am sorry to hear of this.

That she is in a stroke unit and then to specialized rehab sounds like she is in good hands medically. That your mom was already physically active is likely going to help her a lot in her recovery.

You may want to look into leave from your job if need be. Do you have vacation or sick leave? Can you qualify for FMLA?

You may have to weigh the pros and cons of her being with you vs. home vs. a facility.

I am so sorry to hear this, GWlolo. Agree-take a deep breath. To be honest, this will not be easy. My mother also had a massive stroke several years ago. She required a wheel chair after leaving rehab because a walker requires strength in both arms.

If you are in the Philadelphia area, Bryn Mawr Rehabilitation in Malvern is the place to go. The tough thing about rehab is that once someone stops making progress, they send you out. I showed up one morning and was told she was being released that day, despite my having specifically asked that we be advised 24 hours in advance. This is one of the best rehab centers in the country and I did not see it coming. Anyway, we had to scramble to get a room in a nursing/assisted care facility since we hadn't found live-in help yet. Whew. No fun.

One thing to keep an eye on is that a stroke can affect mental acuity in ways that are not immediately obvious. My mother's stroke did not affect her speech, but she really wasn't on top of things as she had been prior to the stroke. If anyone saw her for a brief visit, they thought she was fine, but it became apparent rather quickly that she couldn't manage her affairs any more. Luckily, we had gotten her to give my sister and me power of attorney when she was still in the hospital.

There are lots of issues to think about before moving her into your house. Some are financial and others emotional or practical. We had to turn my parents' den into her new bedroom because of the stairs issue. Of course, their house had stairs galore. Had we had more time to plan (and don't we all wish that when something like this happens), we could have redone the lowest level of their house to include a bedroom and built a full bath in the laundry room where a half bath was. You were smart to redo your bath to be accessible!

Do not run yourself into the ground whatever you do. If you would have had a difficult time moving her in and living with her before the stroke, you may want to think twice about doing it now. If you are close and she is wonderful, no worries. Just realize that chances are she will probably need someone round the clock, at least in the beginning. If the paralysis is not helped through rehab, she will need assistance with just about everything including eating, toileting, even sitting up in bed at first. It will probably be so frustrating for her and for you, so be gentle with yourself and her.

If she is not set financially, talk to someone. There is lots of help available I believe, but you may have to use her own funds first. Maybe consider selling her place and getting a condo with an elevator if she doesn't need a lot of help after rehab. I think a progressive assisted living facility with nursing care when the time comes is the best option. She won't be sitting around every day with no one but the care-giver for company during the day. I know some good ones in Virginia (Westminster-Canterbury) and in the Philadelphia area (Waverly, Beaumont, and Dunwoody) if you need recommendations.

Hang in there.

I am so, so sorry that this happened to your mother and for the upset and turmoil in your lives. My father had a debilitating stroke years ago. His wife found a wonderful aide who stayed with him all day. She could not have managed his care on her own and did not want him to go to a nursing facility. It really took two to care for him -- lifting, bathing, dressing. If you have Mom at your home, you will surely need help.

Yes, you are eligible to take unpaid time off from work to care for your mother. It is the law -- the Family and Medical Leave Act. This is probably the time to use it. Wishing you the best.

Here is a link that might be useful: FMLA

So sorry this is happing to your family.

I had a friend go through something similar, and one thing she found very useful was to outsource as many household tasks as possible to free up mental energy and time.

Find a drop off laundry facility to take care of the wash.
If you don't already have housecleaning and lawn care services, consider getting them now.
Find out about mail order services, like drugstore . com to get everything from shampoo to shaving cream to toothpaste delivered by UPS to your door.

When you friends ask if there is anything they can do, let them go to the store for you.

Also years ago our DD2 was ill for a prolonged time frame and I was staying overnights with her at the hospital. During this time DD1 was in 5th grade with all of the activities that entails.

I had 1 other parent serve as my activities coordinator. She made sure that my DD1 got picked up from car pool, had a ride to and from girl scouts, soccer practice, band, etc. I didn't know which one of my friends had my daughter that day, buy I knew it was covered and that someone would bring her home at 6:00 when DH was home. It was a great blessing and freed up a lot of mental energy and worry to focus on DD2.

cyn is right about mental affects. My GF's father had a stroke and while it didn't affect him too badly physically, it did have mental and personality impacts. He was a very devout xtian...3 times a week to church, daily bible studies, and extremely straight laced. But after his stroke, it damaged his "filter" and he became something of a dirty old man...using bad language and flirting with women. It was so strange to see!

The only thing about FMLA is that you have to be in an eligible employer (50+ employees) and be at your job at least a year. For people who are self employed or who work at a small business, unfortunately, it isn't really an option. For example, I would be eligible for FMLA , but DH would not should something happen to MIL or me.

Similar to drugstore.com, maybe consider Amazon Prime.

Explore your options now, but don't make permanent plans until you see how much function your mother recovers. And those options should include assisted living facilities.

In making your decisions, you need to consider not just your mother's needs and wants, but those of the entire family. It may be best for your mother to be in your home. It may be best for her to be in an assisted living facility with around the clock care. There are 4 people to be considered in making this decision--your mother, you, your DH and your child.

It is very easy, and understandable, to make a decision at this point that is in the best interests of the affected person and not in the best interests of other members of the family.

Do explore home health care options--the social workers at the hospital should be able to give you lists of agencies that can help.

My father desperately wanted to stay in his own home. After he broke his hip, I quit my job to take care of him. There were complications from the surgery. He was in and out of the hospital and rehab for months. During that time, none of my six siblings helped out, although they did come on the weekends to visit.

My health suffered. I injured my back and knees because Dad insisted he didn't need help, when clearly he did. I managed to convince Dad and the rest of the family that he needed assisted living after 6 months of caring for him at home. It took a year for me to recover completely after that.

My cousin built a lovely in-law apartment on his home and moved his parents in. His father needed aides at night to keep him from wandering off, aides during the day so my aunt could get a break. Physical therapists had to come to their home, because going to an office confused my uncle.

For 4 years, my cousin and his family did not attend family events, because they were so involved in caring for his father. Once my uncle went into a nursing home, I swear my cousin's wife looked 10 years younger. They were able to visit with the extended family again. My aunt got a new lease on life, and was able to get out and about and visit her friends, some of whom she hadn't been able to see in 3 or 4 years.

No one wanted to put Uncle in a nursing home. But sometimes the toll on the rest of the family is greater than you realize.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I am asking that you take some time to consider all the options, get a good idea of how much self-care your mother will be capable of before she is released, and make clear, informed decisions that take the entire family into account, not just one member.

I would take a wait and see approach. She might be in rehab for several weeks. If her left side is affected, perhaps her speech will be unaffected long term. This would be awesome.

Long term outcomes tend to be better for hemorrhagic strokes than clots. So she might do better than expected. Visit rehab often and watch her therapy.. Get involved and let her know you are optimistic.

Honestly, just breathe right now. Don't make any plans until you see how she progresses. I'm so sorry this happened to your mom.

Thanks for all the advice on waiting and seeing. Being the planner that I am, I needed a voice of reason to stop me from researching wheelchairs. Today, we went and visited 2-3 acute rehabs where they have intensive physical therapy, OT and speech therapy for 3-4hrs a day and most patients stay 2-3 weeks. We found one which is a small inpatient facility as part of a larger hospital - but it is a separate building with garden paths and smaller areas. Now the insurance pre-approval process kicks in. The caregivers seemed kind and upbeat. I am worried because I think the extent of the damage is just sinking in for Mom. She seems really sad and we found her weeping quietly at night. She is a gentle person who is fiercely independent and it is very hard for her to ring for an attendant to ask for a bedpan.

Annie and others who advised that we look to this as a family decision are right. Just thinking about this as a joint problem has eased the tension somewhat for me. I am discussing with DH and we agreed to not make any decisions until we know the long term prognosis. My sisters are willing to come and help but have indicated that having her live with them if she is disabled long term is going to very difficult. Coming to help now will be helpful as my mom will need translation to work through the physical therapy as English is not her native language. Also it will be good talk to my sister face to face as we make some life and long term care decisions for my mom.

Thankfully both of DH and my job has FMLA and we have flexibility to work from home that we can avail for a few weeks.

You guys are great. I feel more able to be open and reach out for advice here than in real life sometimes.

I don't have anything to add to all this excellent advice, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.

(((Lolo))). My heart goes out to you and your mother! All the above advice is wonderful, so I won't repeat it again. Just one thing I would like to mention, though. From my many years working with patients in hospital and doctor's offices, one of the things I remember most was the frustration that I felt AND that stroke patients felt hearing their loved ones talking to them loudly, as though the stroke had somehow also damaged their hearing . . . which it doesn't. And/or being talked to in a simplistic manner as one would talk to a small child.
People suffering a stroke may not be able to speak or speak clearly, but their minds are usually still very sharp. They are frightened at what happened to them, apprehensive about what their outcome may be, and very frustrated (and often times, angry) that they can no longer communicate clearly and easily. Please encourage your family and your mother's friends to speak to her as they always have in the past. Be patient with her as she does try to speak. Be her watchdog and make sure that her dignity is preserved.
Lynn

This post was edited by lynninnewmexico on Mon, Nov 18, 13 at 20:11

I am sorry your Mom has had this life-changing event. I took care of many stroke victims as an RN in home health for 13 yrs. You mention finding your Mom weeping and that English is not her first language. I want to stress that depression goes hand in hand with any life-changing illness . Adding in the past history of independence and the difficulty that she will have with communication makes this all the more likely. I hope that she will have opportunities to interact with a professional counsellor as well as be evaluated for a prescription for anti-depressants. My heart goes out to all of you . c

I also am sorry and wish you well, what a life changing event .