Aw, marti, no need to apologize to anyone here. I bet we would all say that we love listening to others work through their decisions and renovations!

One thought about your MIL: maybe you could bring her over once a week for lunch or breakfast and share the bedlam of the construction with her (she might actually enjoy the hustle and bustle). Or escape from it all with her and take her out for a leisurely brunch or lunch one day. You could use the break! Even if you have no intention of taking her advice, you could even run ideas by her. Heck, propose an idea you know she will be able to improve upon (and which you don't really intend to do) and then you can gush over her suggestion.

It sounds as if you are being very sweet to her. Kudos for that!

Keep your eyes on the finish line. You will make it through all this!

Thanks cyn. She doesn't like coming out here because of all the trip hazards. I thought I'd start taking her to something at the senior citizens center once a week and see if she bonded with anyone her age there.

I try to be good to her even though she can drive me nuts right now, because she & fil were so good to me for so many years. And I know her annoying quirks now are really because she's so lonely and wants attention. Monday we are going to play bingo. Oh boy.

You are a good DIL. Bingo? You are a treasure of a DIL! ;)

I just went through this in a similar version with my daughter's knee replacement. Knew in the beginning it was 24/7 care for at least 3 weeks. She was great about getting back to normal and work. I was proud of her for getting through this.

What I wasn't ready for was her not being able to drive her car which is a standard. Actually neither of us thought about this, we both have shifts. There was no way she could handle a clutch with the new knee, even though she was well on the way to full recovery.

Well, I became a Taxi and in some ways it was more intense than staying with her. She would call at the oddest times to do things that could have been scheduled or at least give me a heads up needing/wanting something. I started getting very grumpy. As with you, the cut into a day, even an hour is actually forgoing getting things done or having to cancel on our end.

So, I think I understand in my own way. Although with me, I knew there was a day ahead for getting back to normal. And I would never have gotten grumpy with her, nor even consider not helping.

The senior programs are great and hope she is open to being part of some interest. Is she showing a bit of dementia too? You are wonderful to go out of your way to help and support, taking the time to find activities for her and sharing your time.

This is never easy and a reality many do not think about before it becomes a necessary part of our lives. I would say to all, regardless of your age or of your parents....there will come a time they need you. They may not even know they do and might not even be the person you remember their being. But help will be needed and knowing what is available to you and your loved one will ease the transition.

Marti, I know you have had a great deal on your plate. My hope is you will be fine in your own right and can return to a bit of normal.

Thank you. I'm not as good as you think though.

Mil really doesn't want to go to the senior center. She put up a bit of resistance actually, but I wore her down. She would rather we go to her apartment and play games with her. She has one friend who is still mobile (age 91) who comes over at least once a week to play a game and that lady doesn't want to go to the senior center either. I'm trying to talk mil into having her come with us Monday.

When we get this remodel finished, we are going to put it on the market and move into town. I think it would be so much easier to do things for her if we were just a few minutes away.

What a fantastic daughter in law you are. She is so lucky to have you. I wish for you long stretches of peace amongst your obligations, and I hope the construction projects go faster and easier than anticipated. So glad you are sharing here. - Are there any other family members that can help?

No need to apologize, that is what we are here for :)
((((marti8a)))

Oh dear. Yes, elder care issues, IMO, are even harder to deal with than child care issues as at least the children have to listen to you...parents, not so much.

I know that finding solutions usually takes a lot of time too, which seems to be at a premium for you now. But in our area, through the senior center, there are volunteer companions who will come and visit with someone maybe once a week for an hour or so. Or, you can look into finding a high schooler who you can pay to visit her a few afternoons a week as a companion and do little things like the tv remote or open a can.

If you know that she is going to call you every day, and if it is so disrupting for you, then perhaps you would be better off planning and scheduling your visits. Perhaps it's the open ended nature of the situation that makes her more panicky, but if she knew you were going to see her every day at 3 or whatever, she wouldn't feel so needy.

I agree getting her to the senior center is a good idea...even if she resists at first, she will find others who she can relate to and activities she may enjoy. Socialization is so important for good health when you're older. And getting her out of her comfort zone is also important to help her stay strong mentally.

You are a wonderful, wonderful DIL and she is so lucky to have you.

As far as your remodel, maybe the decisions come more easily to some than others, but I know I have sweated over a lot of the decisions I made, but it only seems easy in the aftermath, once they've been made and the project is done. So don't be hard on yourself. You're in the midst right now, but it will happen.

Take a deep breath, don't be hard on yourself. And there's a whole bunch of wonderful people here who are willing to help and listen.

Sending you patience, courage, strength, comfort, and creative juices to see you through your challenges.

No need to apologize. We are here for you for decorating help (mostly everyone else, I'm not so good with that stuff) and emotional support. Vent your fears and frustrations here. I'm always so impressed with all the helpful advice people here provide. It's great to get so many different perspectives.

Stay strong. Take care of yourself, too.

So many wise words here! Hugs to you, marti.

We were going through so many of these same things last year at this time with MIL. She passed away on Dec 28. We purchased the home and did a little remodel on it. Dd just moved in and is so excited. Last night as DH and I were backing out of her driveway, I looked at the house and suddenly missed my MIL so much.

God bless you for all of the things you are doing for your MIL. You are juggling a lot and still coming through for her. You won't regret it.

Thanks everyone. I know I'll be asking a lot of questions and reversing my decisions though and I know how annoying that is. I annoy myself when I'm doing it.

About mil. Annie, my dh drops by her apartment every day on his way home from work to see if she needs anything and make sure she's ok, so she does know she'll see him. I think she may be having something like panic attacks, or loneliness attacks and talking on the phone isn't enough.

I usually call and see if she wants to go on an errand with me, and sometimes she does. I'm going back to the flooring store today and she may go with me. She is trying to get out of going to bingo Monday though. She said today that 10am is too early for her. So we'll see.

I'm really not the wonderful dil you think. You're only hearing a few minutes of my thoughts. I do a lot of griping too and put her off a lot.

This post was edited by marti8a on Fri, Nov 8, 13 at 11:58

Wow, when it rains, it pours. Lucky for you these are all things that can be dealt with one way or the other, not to minimize the stress on you.

I suck at taking care of other people. I do try and I genuinely care, but I get resentful of the time and energy. I really should spend more time with my elderly mom. She is extremely independent and keeps herself busy, so I am lucky that way.

I had a difficult relationship with my MIL. She insisted on staying in her enormous house which she could not afford. I think she was too depressed to deal with moving and the house held a lot of memories for her. Still, she had a sad life (young widow and a daughter who died at 30) and I wish I had tried harder.

As for decorating decisions, if it is any comfort I made a number of mistakes in my kitchen and bath remodels. All you can do is the best you can do. We all get caught up in analysis paralysis. I think I was worse than most and I attribute my mistakes to overthinking rather than going with my gut.

Good luck!

[Warning-long]

I was ready to jump in and say your husband-her son-should be doing more UNTIL...you mentioned he sees his mom every day!

I'm in a similar situation; my MIL just turned 90 last week. She lives a couple of blocks away and has dementia; her short term memory is completely shot. She doesn't overtly demand attention as yours is doing, but she has no friends, no activities, no life at all really. So she sits alone all day long. Visits from my husband who stops in twice daily and his brother who comes by weekly are her only contact with the world.

What has worked for us is that we divide our commitment to MIL into 'operations' which is my husband's role and 'logistics' which is mine. So for example, he sees her every day, visits, talks, listens to her repeat the same question or phrase, literally, every 2 minutes for the duration of the conversation. I handle the administrative end of her needs: I was the one who figured out how to order copies of her birth certificate needed for ID renewal because she is far too gone to even know she needs one, much less get it. I was the one who advocated for her care, and figured out the billing and financial fallout from the hospital and rehab facilities when she broke her hip-my husband was the one who visited her every single day. I also went to see her but I knew he wouldn't miss a day, and he knew I wouldn't let her be gouged by incorrect charges that would have also freaked out her depression era mind.

This balance takes care of her needs and perhaps as importantly it allows each of us to give what we can give best. I am not a patient woman so the dementia-fueled nonsense conversations drive me nuts--not to mention that as her social filters erode she regularly tosses zingers my way with no shame: "Are you wearing THAT to work?" "What happened to your hair? " "I've just never liked professional women".

My husband is her adored son and a male. MIL is one of the worst throwbacks to the men-are-gods mindset I've ever met so she never says anything snarky to him. While he doesn't mind answering the same silly question repeatedly, and he is happy to sit and watch tv with her while explaining the plot over and over and over and over, he is terrified and inept at navigating through online or telephone customer service portals and deciphering administrivia paperwork. We also stay in touch with BIL/SIL and try to balance the caretaking with them. Luckily they are both decent people who also want to be sure MIL is ok and it's such a relief not to have it all on our shoulders, although because we're so close we tend to more for her on a daily basis. My husband is a saint, in my book!

At this point for your own sanity my advice is pretty simple: stop answering the phone every time she calls. If her own child is visiting *every* *single* *day*, then she isn't left all alone. If she wants or needs more socialization or stimulation then you are actually hindering her taking control of her own life and getting that somewhere-because you are allowing yourself to be used by your MIL in that role.

If you are at the point at which you cannot give as much as she is asking of you with grace, it's the sure indicator you need to step back and allow your heart to refill to the point at which you can. Don't try to pour from an empty cup. Just figure out what you can do without resentment, do it and then know in your heart you are doing your best.

And please don't lose sight of just what a caring and loving daughter in law you are. Millions of elderly folks live without anyone in their lives. Your MIL is blessed no matter how much or little you handle, whether she knows it or not. Needs also change over time and with elderly relatives the changes are usually more demanding not less. Don't let yourself be drained now because she may well need you at some point for much more than errands and companionship. Taking back your life is going to help her too and taking care of your home and family is going to help your husband, of course. It's not being selfish, it is being wise to stop spreading yourself so thin you are disappearing!

Ann

Absolutely no need to apologize, marti. Agree that if your husband sees her every day you do not need to disrupt your days unnecessarily--- if you continue that you'll only end up feeling (more) resentful. It sounds as though your MIL is still driving, how old is she?

If she doesn't like the senior center I would make one or two standing engagements with her per week (including the weekend) and when she calls with a deleted channel, tell her your DH will take care of it when he visits that day, or you will when you see her next. By dropping everything and going in response to her calls you are basically training her to do it. And if you respond positively only sporadically, that has the exact same effect. (Intermittent and unpredictable rewards are as effective in reinforcing a behavior as consistent reward.)

Be kind but set limits on your interaction with her. You will like her better for it.

Wow runninginplace and kswl, great advice. Mil is 86 and yes, still driving though she stays mostly in town where the pace is slow and she knows her way around. She will come out here during the day or go to her doctor whose office is on the highway.

And I do back off from her when I've had all I can take, and dh takes up the slack. Dh's brother lives about an hour and a half away and he tries to come by every couple of weeks. Mil burned her bridges with my bil & his wife a few years ago. Before that, bil was her favorite son and called her every day.

My dh isn't as patient as yours runninginplace. He tends to get short with her when she complains about her health, or whines that the doctor says she will never get better when he really said that she may not get up to the same level as before her bronchitis if she doesn't start exercising. He calls her out on stuff like that.

And just as I figured, she doesn't want to go to the senior center today. She said she's been to the center a couple of times and the people weren't friendly. Somehow, she thinks when she visits somewhere that people should rush over to meet and welcome her without her making an effort. We keep telling her it's a two way street.

So, I'm going back to the flooring store today and she wants to go and we'll stop and eat lunch.

And yes, I will stop running out the door when she calls with a jar that won't open. I don't think her memory is really slipping too much yet so maybe we can train her to stop doing that. I'll let dh do the daily visiting and I'll plan an outing with her once a week. She likes to go shopping and Tuesdays most stores have senior discounts, so that should make her happy.

If any of you know how to get her to join in there, please share. Part of the problem is her not wanting to be the stranger in a group that knows each other, and part of it is that she is slow to get up and around in the morning and then wants a nap in the afternoon, so that leaves a small window for doing things.