Anele! I think you are much too hard on yourself!! Also, I think we often see ourselves differently than others do . . .

tina

Aw, Tina-- I don't think so! I have heard comments over the years . . .one was from a (male) hairdresser. He compared me to my friend (also a client), and said something to the effect of how I was not nearly as good looking as she, but I had a good personality to make up for it. (No, I did not go back to him!)

Another time-- my first boyfriend, very cute. . .his friend told him he could do better (and yes, he told me!). Things like that.

My friend just told my 11 y.o. that she looked so much like me, and I could see her heart sink. She said, "I thought I looked like dad."

One of my friends told me I looked so much like one of her friends. Someone overheard and made a face and said that I was better looking (implying what my friend said was an unintentional insult). I went home and looked up the friend on FB-- she was NOT attractive at all. And, we did sort of look alike!

On the plus side, I think my husband is very good looking, so while I don't like what I see in the mirror, at least I get to look at him. :)

I tell young women who are insecure about their looks that they need to go to a live female impersonation show. If a man can transform himself into a woman - and a beautiful woman - then a woman can transform herself into anything she wants. A lot of it is in how you carry yourself.

Many years ago, a man told me I looked like John Denver. I didn't let it bother me, but obviously I never forgot it.

I think we are our worst critic: I've been going through my DD's wedding pictures and of course, I've been seeing myself a few times and my flaws are there in bold colour.

DD said " if there are some you want retouched, the photographer can do it" and I thought to myself

"this is what I looked like that particular day, it's truthful and I'm owning it"
even if the photographer could perfect my pictures, I don't think I'll bother, I was at my best that day !

I'll only do some cropping of my arms on certain pics, I took off my see-through shawl after the dinner and my naked arms are too "truthful" looking, lol……..

anele, you're hard on yourself I think !!

Anele, it made me so sad to read this. I have always found you to be one of the nicest, most interesting, and creative people here.
I don't know how old you are, but as you get older you will find that among your peers the line between the pretty ones and the more average ones gets blurred due to aging- and you realize that it really IS true that looks aren't nearly as important as who you are as a person.

Anele I have such mixed emotions reading this. I'm sad, as nancybee said because I also carry an image of you in my head of someone worth knowing based on what you write, how you respond to people and present yourself here. I also agree with mitchdesj that we are our own harshest critics. And the truth of that statement makes me angry at the world we live in that makes people feel 'less than' based on looks - there is nothing permanent about looks or meaningful as a way to determine a person's worth and nature. There is much truth in what grawings says about how you carry yourself in the world and how much is available to us to 'adjust' our image. It doesn't lessen the wounds we feel from an awkward remark no matter the intention behind it. But it can make us more aware of our own words and judgements and hopefully we are kinder people as a result.

side note to mitchdesj - good for you ! I dislike almost every picture I see of myself these days and my first thought is destroy or alter which means there are almost no recent pictures of me.Your story is a good reminder for me.

As far as retouching pictures go, I think that sometimes it helps make the picture look more like how you look to others. I know that probably doesn't make sense, so I'll explain why I came to the idea.
At the real estate office I was working at a professional photographer recently came in and took the agents' pictures. Since everything is digital these days, after the photo shoot the photographer sat down with the agent and they reviewed the pictures. Since this was happening in a common area I got to see the process. I'll tell you, those raw images did not look to me the way that I saw those people. When I'm talking to someone I don't focus on their wrinkles and gray hairs, but thanks to the high resolution camera, in these pictures every flaw seemed magnified and frozen in place. I found that I was so distracted looking at the lines that it was hard to see the person I knew. When the lines were softened they looked more like the people that I know.

Anele, I was struck by your thread title, and also by your post. I hope you're hearing all the great things people here are saying about you.

I spent a good deal of my life avoiding the camera because I always hated pictures of me. I was convinced I was so ugly. I was miserable and especially disliked certain features and constantly compared myself negatively to others.

At some point, I learned I had a distorted image of myself. In its severest form, this is called body dysmorphic disorder.

Now, I have a healthier view of myself. I am actually quite nice looking, but had a distorted perspective due to low self esteem.

I regret this now, as I am getting older and never enjoyed the fact that I am a beautiful person. Even though many have told me I am pretty, I never really believed them.

You may be filtering things people say based on your own self perception, and even magnifying them.

Plus, we tend to view people we love as more attractive, and conversely, people we don't as less attractive. You are a cherished individual, and loved by many, no doubt. Know that you are also beautiful to others.

Did you see the story about the artist who painted pictures of women based only on their descriptions of themselves verbally without actually seeing them, and then again with seeing them in person? The difference was dramatic. It showed the difference beteen self perception and other perception.

Jan I would LOVE to know who that artist is.
I can relate to Anele. I think she has shown real courage by verbalizing her feelings on this forum. Women are so hard on themselves. I can remember being a teenager and in my 20's, thinking I was fat. I am 5'5 and weighed 118 on my wedding day, but I felt so fat. (I wish I weighed that now). I still also don't like how I look, but I like how I've turned out as a person. Looks fade, and it's not what is important. My husband finds me HOT! and that is all that really matters looks wise anyway. When I think about it, the people that I have loved the most, and love to be with the most, and make me feel the BEST when I am with them are beautiful to me, but not necessarily beautiful by the world's standards. That is what I want in my life. To make others feel that way ... special, valued, beautiful.

joanie38 - I'm not sure if this is the artist Jan mentioned but Dove did something similar - the differences are stunning.

Here is a link that might be useful: Dove

Anele, I also envision you as a beautiful human being. I'm sad to hear how you feel about yourself. I'm another one who hates pictures of myself and pics of me are few and far between.

For your daughters sake, you need to work on this! If you have convinced her you aren't beautiful, even through subtle comments (in front of her) about certain features you don't like about yourself, it can really affect how she feels about herself.

I am no great beauty myself (never have been) but it's up to me to teach my children and grandchildren how to accept and love themselves.

Beauty is as beauty does and you are beautiful!

What a wonderful link maire! I teared up watching it. We certainly are hard on ourselves aren't we?

Maire, that's the one! Thanks for finding and posting it!

There are things you can absolutely change about your appearance. I had a neighbor that had an aura about her. The way she spoke and carried herself showed her as a person with high self esteem. She was also on the snooty side. One day, I took a really good look at her. She is not attractive at all but comes across as if she is. She keeps her weight down, always has on make up, nail polish, and high end clothing.

I would like to understand what we can do to help. We know you by your personality alone. The consensus is, we like you!

I feel sad that people have hurt your feelings in this way.

Yes, there are things you can't change, but there are so many things that you can.

Be honest about your body. Are you doing all you can to look fit?
Your hair. Go to the best place possible and treat yourself to a good cut and color. When your hair looks good, everything follows. Get a consult first, maybe you need to grow it out first?
Make up. Even small touches can make a difference.
Your smile. Do you need dental work? Are your teeth yellow. Crest strips really work!

Therapy. We need to get you to a place where you are OK with you. There are do many people who go through life not caring around how they dress or look. One of my sisters is like this.
But for the rest of us,we do care.

We have all gone through times when we have not been happy with our appearance, but I think you are at the point where you really need to make some changes.

I'm like anele.

I know I'm not attractive but one thing I won't do is voice that to others. I want others to look at me not as I see myself because we are our own worst critics, but I'm hoping that others see me differently than I see myself. I'm hoping that when I smile my face is transformed, just like in the Dove link that was posted. I'm hoping that when I talk my face and voice become animated and interesting. It may or may not happen but that's what I hope, My sons are nice looking, so I've been told, so some of the DNA has to come from somewhere, right?

anele: I like seeing your name here because I know that your responses will be thoughtful, pleasant and for some reason I always associate softness with you. So, what you see in the mirror is not what is actually presented to the world. Your smile will transform your face, your eyes will light up when you laugh, your face will become interesting when you're talking.

And please, don't pass your thoughts onto your daughter. It might be too early but what about, not necessarily a make-up session, but what about a joint skin care appointment (maybe light make-up) with you and your daughter. Maybe your session could involve more make-up for you with your daughter along to see how faces can be transformed with the smallest amount of make-up. Just a thought.

Oh I'm so sorry you feel this way. You have to understand that we don't see you the way you see you.

I'll tell you a story about my Mom who always thought she was an ugly duckling. She used to spend hours as a young teen staring at herself in the mirror. Her mother accused her of being so vain. In fact, she was looking hoping she could find something attractive or some way to make herself attractive.

What we see as glaring flaws in ourselves, others don't even notice.

Well one thing that always bothered my mother was she didn't have nice teeth...she had two eye teeth on one side and none on the other. This ate at her her whole life. When she was in her 50s she finally decided to get that fixed and went for cosmetic dentistry and told no one. She expected everyone to jump up and down and be so excited and tell her how great she looked. Instead, no one noticed. No one. She finally pointed it out to us and we were like, Mom, that bothered you, but it never bothered us. You are you and we love you for who you are. We wanted nothing more for her than to be happy, healthy and to continue to spread her loving kindness...it was truly her heart and her spirit that made her beautiful. And she looked most beautiful when she was happiest and most loving. And what I wouldn't give to have her back here on earth with me, even if she looked like a shrunken apple doll.

It's hard for me to say that I've met any really physically ugly people, but I have met many, many spiritually ugly people, and regardless of how attractive the wrapper, they are truly repulsive.

Here is another part of the dove campaign...how they transform a girl into a model and her picture into an ad. It really sets up unrealistic expectations of what beauty is.

Here is a link that might be useful: evolution of beauty

Anele,

I think you have been hurt by thoughtless comments over the years (who hasn't) and by silly standards of "beauty".

As for beauty, I know you are wrong about your assessment of yourself. I just know you are. Good looking boyfriends and husbands don't materialize out of nowhere.

For many of us, unless you work at a toll booth or Grand Central Station, your ideas around what people look like are distorted by media images, because the media makes up the bulk of the strangers' faces that you see. So if you watch TV for an hour, between ads and actresses and "news readers", you are bombarded by images of people who make their living being attractive, and whose natural attractiveness quotient is greatly enhanced by people who make their living making other people look good. Who wouldn't feel that they don't measure up?

Try this. (it may sound odd but it is eye opening) Next time you go to the supermarket, look at every woman you see and ask yourself how you stack up to her. I think you may feel differently about yourself.

As for the externals, there are indeed many things we all can do to enhance our looks. And these things can be surprisingly powerful.

But, and this feels to personal to say (but your post IS very personal), i don't think the way you are feeling is actually about how you look. I think you are really being abnormally harsh on yourself. IMHO, happy people overestimate their looks! I always think I look just fab, LOL. I kind of mentally edit out the parts I don't like when I look in the mirror. I don't want to overstep, but I think you may want to consider talking to a therapist about why you are being so mean to yourself.

You might also want to look at some of the "Killing Us Softly" videos and information by Jean Kilbourne on how advertising and marketing campaigns are setting us up for unrealistic expectations of beauty to get us to spend more money on more products and services as we struggle vainly to achieve a perfection that is simply not possible. In the process, women are increasingly objectified, sexualized and find their self esteem damaged, bombarded with the message that it's beauty over brains that counts.

Here is a link that might be useful: Jean Kilbourne

I feel the same way. In my case it started with a mean mother who always said I was ugly, then a first husband, abusive and cruel, that continued the stomping of my self esteem. Dear 2nd DH loves me but has never complimented me.....dont expect lies, but a "you look nice today" would go a long way. I know, I know, you should not base your self worth on someone else's opinion.
fast forward, I am now 63....and recently looking at some old snapshots, I realized....while I am not pretty, I AM NOT UGLY afterall. Why did it take me this many YEARS to feel that way?

Oh, I still don't like to look at myself in the mirror, and like the OP, I would like to rearrange my face....(and my body)...I know that is not going to happen.

I was checking out at the grocery store recently and was listening to the conversation between the clerk and customer ahead of me. Obviously couldn't (and wasn't trying to) catch it all but was struck by the positive attitude of the clerk. I don't find many people to be unattractive but this gentleman would not be considered attractive based on physical features alone. My turn came and we immediately started talking and laughing. As I was about to leave he said,"You are nice and funny, ma'am. I enjoyed talking with you", he shook my hand and introduced himself. He made my day and I think he is one of the most attractive people I've met in a long time.

I was checking out at the grocery store recently and was listening to the conversation between the clerk and customer ahead of me. Obviously couldn't (and wasn't trying to) catch it all but was struck by the positive attitude of the clerk. I don't find many people to be unattractive but this gentleman would not be considered attractive based on physical features alone. My turn came and we immediately started talking and laughing. As I was about to leave he said,"You are nice and funny, ma'am. I enjoyed talking with you", he shook my hand and introduced himself. He made my day and I think he is one of the most attractive people I've met in a long time.

I feel the same way. In my case it started with a mean mother who always said I was ugly, then a first husband, abusive and cruel, that continued the stomping of my self esteem. Dear 2nd DH loves me but has never complimented me.....dont expect lies, but a "you look nice today" would go a long way. I know, I know, you should not base your self worth on someone else's opinion.
fast forward, I am now 63....and recently looking at some old snapshots, I realized....while I am not pretty, I AM NOT UGLY afterall. Why did it take me this many YEARS to feel that way?

Oh, I still don't like to look at myself in the mirror, and like the OP, I would like to rearrange my face....(and my body)...I know that is not going to happen.

I thought the model transformation was exactly what directs so many regarding their looks. She was a pretty and welcoming girl prior to the change. I would speak to her before far more easily rather than the after.

Always hated having my photo taken. Know there is a good side and always get the bad side, they never come out looking the way I want to see myself. Although recently the kids have been digging through old photos and surprisingly there are some which I can see as attractive. But...the time has passed also.

Yes, it is something from our personal history which reflects this thinking. I can never remember my mom telling me I was pretty. What I do remember being told is not to be selfish. Mixed messages of what wasn't and may have been regarding who I am.

My daughter has gone through life very differently and lived through a great deal of nasty comments, abused publicly because of her albinism and being legally blind. She is the happiest gal around, with 100 to my 1 or 2 friends. She found her center and ran with it as a teenager. Never looked back, people love her and we are always meeting someone who knows her well reaching out to express how great she is.

She is a lesson of value for even her mother to learn. I wish I was as brave and significant in person as my daughter became.

technicolor, your daughter sounds like a wonderful, exceptional person. As for the nasty comments and abuse, what is WRONG with people!!!

It is so great that she overcame stuff like that.

Anele,

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down about your appearance. I know how the comment from your daughter was most especially piercing. *hug*

I've gained weight in my early 40s, mostly in my abdomen, as a result of insulin resistance and incipient diabetes. Since I was sort of straight up and down before, at first I looked like a snake that had eaten a mouse. Then my butt plumped out. And my ankles. I've been very careful to communicate to my daughter that I watch what I eat for health reasons, not to be thin, but on several occasions I've seen her flick her eyes to my waist and hips and then politely decline the desert that I'm offering.

Anyway, I have some thoughts, and I hope they'll help you.

Your looks don't actually affect you, they just exist.
What actually affects you is how you FEEL about how you look.

You can't really change how you look, but you can change how you feel about how you look.

It seems that you have many little scenarios memorized that confirm your opinion that you are unlovely.

For example: your daughter would prefer to look like your husband instead of like you.

Damaging interpretation: I'm so unattractive, my daughter is crushed to be told she resembles me.

Less damaging interpretation: my husband is very attractive, more so than me, and my daughter is disappointed to think that she doesn't resemble her most attractive parent.

"Another time-- my first boyfriend, very cute. . .his friend told him he could do better (and yes, he told me!). "
Damaging interpretation: Everyone who meets me immediately judges my appearance and finds me wanting.
Gentler interpretation: That guy friend made a comment because of who-knows-what dynamics/issues in their relationship. Were they competitive with each other, was it just superficial immaturity? It doesn't really matter, because the first cutie boyfriend Chose you. So he saw some sort of combination of appearance and personality that pleased him. And isn't that a more powerful positive vote, than the other guy's comment?

I find myself trying to actively re-write scripts in my head, and it helps. You DO have a choice in how you interpret the feedback that hurts you. Be strong, and make a choice to construe things in the most positive light possible.

What if your 11 year old had the same hairdresser experience that you did? What would you tell her? How could you frame that experience so it didn't crush her? I would tell her that some people in the world are stupid insensitive clods and she should downgrade the importance of their opinions accordingly. I don't know, how would you frame it? Be no less protective of your own self. Mother yourself well.

My photo: sweaty, tummy and thighs in complete evidence.

Negative interpretation: I can't use this photo for my child's photo album. I'm too icky and disheveled and I should have positioned myself so she blocks the view of the tummy and thighs.

Less negative: I really dislike this photo of myself. I felt fat and out of shape all day. But I was the only mom that brought my daughter to a hunting and fishing festival. We both got a chance to shoot skeet with a bow, to bow-fish with fish targets in the water, to shoot a .22, shotgun, anda muzzleloader. We both got to walk a 2 mile bow hunt thru the woods to find and shoot 24 3D targets, got to watch hawkers hunt toy rabbits with Harris hawks, and many more similar things. So I am going to interpret this photo that although it is not flattering, it will remind my daughter of a day when we were strong and active and adventurous. And apparently I need to work on not dropping my elbow when pulling the bow.

And Anele, your "voice" here is lovely and pleasant.

This post was edited by kiki_thinking on Sat, Nov 16, 13 at 9:08

Anele, I don't post too much but I read the forum often. I must chime in that you come across in your postings as an uncommonly kind, sensitive, thoughtful and intelligent person. But no one is perfect. Even if you are as ugly as you feel (which I seriously doubt), and could trade in some of your good attributes for some better looks, which attribute would you give up? Would you choose to be selfish? Stupid?

I totally understand how you feel, but others have said lots of positive things I need to go back and re read.
One thing I will say,growing up my sister was always considered the cute one, and me plane Jane. Many years later I can't remember how it came up, but there were several family members present, but not my sister--anyhow my DIL said -You think Judy is better looking than you-and I said well of course she is--and she said definitely not-and the rest of family members agreed.

My friend just told my 11 y.o. that she looked so much like me, and I could see her heart sink. She said, "I thought I looked like dad."

I really hope that you are interpreting her comment as disapponted through your own appearance insecurity and that she hasn't already learned to mimic your attitudes toward her appearance. She might have simply meant I thought I looked like Dad, not I don't want to look like Mom.

Why would your friend make that comment unless she saw it as a positive thing? Do you think you friend thinks you are unattractive and thought it would be helpful to an 11 yo's self esteem to point out the comparision? No, of course not.

Aren't you a mother to many girls? How do you want them to see themselves as they grow up? Carrying the same burden about their appearance as you do? What can you do/are you doing to be sure they don't grow up with insecurities about their appearance? If they notice that you're sad that they look like you, and there's a good chance if you're their biological mother they will look something like you, what is that doing to their idea of who they are and how they look?

I love what Nancy said because it is so true "I don't know how old you are, but as you get older you will find that among your peers the line between the pretty ones and the more average ones gets blurred due to aging- and you realize that it really IS true that looks aren't nearly as important as who you are as a person." This is the truth.

Kiki--you go girl.

Anele--it is so painful when you feel hurt by one of your children. Even if your 11 yr old dd did innocently mean what you think she meant, give her time. She will see your beauty. And that it is so much more than mere prettiness. I am a middle aged, overweight mom of twin 11 yr old boys. Sometimes I embarras them because they have a mom that people think is their grandma, but I know that they will see my true beauty as they get older.

And your daughter will see your beauty. Give her a little time.

I don't believe in a "ugly" or "unattractive" appearance. Only personalities make someone seem that way.

I have a very dear friend who is petite with small features except for a big Streisand nose. She has dark circles under her eyes that are genetic and very droopy eyebrows. Strangers might consider her "ugly" but who the h*ll cares what they think!

I love her features and consider her beautiful. To me, she looks unusual and interesting. To me, standard beauty is just average, boring and plain. Look at all the models on fashion runways. Most are very interesting looking and would not be considered traditionally attractive.

My friend is witty, intelligent, funny, quirky, compassionate - when I visualize her, she's twinkly eyed and laughing with her head thrown back.

BTW, her DH is a knockout too.

I wish gardenweb had a "like" feature for so many responses. Anele, you sound like a beautiful mom.

Anele, I know just how you feel. When I was young, I was cute enough, but never what you'd call pretty. I never liked my teeth either. My front teeth cross a little and are uneven and it's always bugged me. My parents didn't have the money for braces, and I've never had the money for anything either.

As I've gotten older, I've gained weight, my neck has sagged to the point that I really have no neck, and I have puffy bags under my eyes. I started noticing that I looked just like my mother about 20 years ago and it scared me. I've always thought my mother was rather unattractive, and the older I get, the more I look like her.

I get the "you look just like so and so" all the time. It used to be you look just like my daughter, niece, etc. Then sister, sister-in-law, cousin, and now aunt. I'm just waiting for great aunt. I doubt I look just like so and so, as much as both of us are probably non-descript. I am so non-descript that I am almost invisible. If I walk into a store at the same time as another woman, the other woman will always get waited on first, and I might not get noticed at all. It used to bother me, and now I just think I would be the perfect secret agent or private eye. I can go almost anywhere without being seen.

I met a couple of high school friends yesterday for a day of shopping. One of them lives in our hometown and is still as cute as she was in high school. She made my day yesterday when she told me she saw a guy from our class that I barely knew and in conversation she mentioned that our group of ladies went to San Francisco this summer. He wanted to see her pictures, and particularly he wanted to see a picture of me. He told her he thought I was gorgeous in high school (I have no illusions; I wasn't) and when he saw my picture, he wanted to know if I was married, and if there was a chance my marriage wasn't going to last. lol

I see that picture and think I am the ugliest woman in the group, so ugly that I wonder why my friends are willing to be seen with me. And yet, this guy didn't see me that way. It's possible he just couldn't really see what I looked like on a cell phone photo. And it's also possible that I'm not quite as ugly as I feel. Just plain. A blade of grass among roses. Still valued, just different.

I'm going to give myself a break and try to start feeling better about myself. Do it with me, ok? You are a wonderful person, and I bet you are not seeing yourself as others see you.

I love what graywings said about the female impersonators. I'd never thought of it before, but if a man can transform himself into a woman, just think what we could do!

This post was edited by marti8a on Sat, Nov 16, 13 at 0:09

Anele - Personality really goes such a looooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnng way. I don't care how Sofia Vergara someone is. If their personality is mean, hateful, rude, and self centered it really does make them ugly. I know I blabber about makeup at times on here and I'll never apologize for loving the stuff. However, I truly believe it only really matters what's inside.

I have a lovely image of you because of how you present yourself on here. As others already mentioned you're always thoughtful, helpful, and kind.

"You can't really change how you look, but you can change how you feel about how you look."
I agree with Kiki 100% and like the suggestion to look at scenarios from a different and positive perspective.

I can relate to some of your feelings.. I was never the beautiful one. The most I could carry off was "cute".. and that was only on a good day. I am ok with this.. I love who I am and I know my friends and boyfriend love me as the person I am.

I went through a rough patch recently-- I was feeling beaten down and as a result, I translated things others said to me as negative. I put my own spin on them.. I was hearing things like "you are stupid" "you aren't good enough". This wasn't at all what they were saying but my "dark voice" took their words and twisted them to fit the negative image I had of myself. It took some real soul searching for me to see and accept what was going on.. that it was what *I* was saying not what anyone else was saying. It took a lot of work to fight the tendency to project my negative thoughts into others' voices. I wonder if this is some of what you are struggling with.

As others have said, we are our own worst critics .. we need to watch out for the point where healthy self analysis and critique become distorted and damaging. Be good to yourself. Cherish the things that we all see in you-- that your husband sees in you-- and that your daughters see in you. You are a woman who makes others feel valued and loved. It's clear in the way you talk about your family and friends, your home and life. Embrace this beautiful energy that emanates from you. You are intelligent, passionate, thoughtful, patient, gracious, fun and so very interesting.. you can't look at a still image and capture this anymore than you can look at a photo of your house and capture the beauty of the home you've created for your family.

Anele, If I am not mistaken, isn't your husband Asian? Your daughter's expression, which you may have misinterpreted, probably wasn't about pretty or ugly but about her ethnicity.

I love mtnrd's perspective about the media.If you are constantly comparing yourself to the photoshopped, botoxed and surgical enhanced you will never measure up. Even the images of regular people on facebook or blogs rarely represent how they look day to day.

I have an acquaintance that was a Mrs. South Carolina. She photographs well and looks good on stage but in person all the makeup and attitude come across as hard looking and mean.

I hope you are feeling better today. Hugs.

I have never been "the pretty one" but since high school I have frequently been the cute one, more for my short stature and quirky personality than for how I actually look. I agree with the others who say that the way you carry yourself, behave, etc., can make people not even notice how literally "attractive" you are.

I look at myself in the mirror and see bags under my eyes (which I've had ALL my life), not great teeth, too many freckles and sun damage, and especially this fall, more lines around my eyes and starting around my mouth. Don't even get me started at what I see in a full-length mirror. Those are the things I focus on, I'm sorry to admit. I don't notice that my features are pretty well proportioned, that my eyes are a nice dark brown, or that I have a nice clavicle (a funny compliment that a friend paid me a few years ago and we still laugh about it). I have no idea what other people see when they look at me. Certainly no one ever stops me to tell me how pretty I am! I do get compliments on my haircut, my earrings maybe, or a nice sweater -- so maybe that's what people (the ones I hang around with, anyway) notice, and not my crows feet and overbite?

I remember learning in a psych class that people are attracted to others who are of similar attractiveness to themselves (I'm sure the book said it better!) so I'm guessing if your husband is good looking, then you are cuter than you think you are!

Here is a pic of my "ugly duckling" mother in her mid-70s. Wasn't she beautiful? She just beams happiness.

I remember being with her when she would try on a hat or glasses or something and look at herself in the mirror, she'd put this most unnatural expression on her face...one I never saw otherwise. I would say, why are you doing that? That's not what you look like. As soon as she turned away from the mirror, she looked like herself again. It was so funny.

She would watch me put on my make up sometimes and always tell me how beautiful my eyes were and she wished she had such beautiful eyes. I pointed out to her that while the color was different, she and I had the same shaped eyes. She was stunned, but saw it. A real wake-up call to her.

You might have someone secretly video tape you for awhile and play it back to you so you can see what you really look like to others. I know it was a shock to see myself in action when giving a presentation...I was not at all like what I thought I was in my mind's misperception. I remember thinking, I don't know who that gal is, but she's pretty good!

Annie, are we sisters? My mother would do the same thing with hats and glasses.

Kiki, I see a fabulous woman having a great day. I do not see a collection of body parts. That is an awesome photo for you to remember.

Anele, I agree, you come across as beautiful in spirit from your posts and highly intelligent. I know you've had a stressful year with a new baby who got sick, DH who lost his job, etc. You probably need some time for YOU, but I know that is probably really challenging.

I agree with gscience. When we are stressed, we tend to focus on the negative. Ten people can say something nice and we look at the one snarky comment.
Sometimes we don't have our "filters" working. This may have been the case with your friends.
What good could come out of saying negative comments about appearance.

You might want to read the "untethered soul" by Michael Singer. He talks a lot about the "neurotic roommate" in our head that delivers all kinds of ridiculous messages to us, often beating us up. But we have to realize that those are just random thoughts that come and go...messages that have been placed in our head from who knows when that aren't useful and don't apply. We are not those thoughts. We shouldn't believe everything we think. Instead we are the one who is aware of those thoughts.

Someone just posted this on another forum - about how we see ourselves vs how others see us. Very interesting.

Anele, you are one of my favorite posters here and I always love to read what you write, whether your perspective on others' posts or about your home and your family.

Here is a link that might be useful: How do you look?