I'm not sure how old your son is but since this is his first sleepover I'd call the Mother and let her know that your son requested a lunchbox from home. Tell her it will make the transition easier for you son and then offer to send along enough for both boys.

The only time I would send a box like that is if allergies are involved, otherwise I think sleep overs are a great way for kids to learn how to go with the flow and adjust to new circumstances. This is his first sleep over so of course he's nervous and unsure; I would just tell him that the other mother is making a family favorite for dinner and it will be ok. Just keep in mind that whatever you do now will probably set the tone for future sleep overs as well.

How old is your son? I think that it is never too early to learn to be a gracious guest, actually, so don't worry about answering that. ;)

It is one night. He will survive and no one will feel hurt to know his friend doesn't like his snacks!

If your son is a picky eater, I don't see the harm in bringing these snacks. I would talk to the other mom and explain that your son would like to contribute snacks for the sleepover. Explain what he would like to bring and ask what her son's favorite snacks are.

I well remember my first sleepover...and I was probably around ten!
I was homesick and cried!
So to me, if it would make him feel more secure and comfortable, let him take the snacks. You could encourage him with the idea that they are for back up if he really needs them but I would call the mother and make enough for two.

Everybody learns social skills at a different rate so to expect him to deal with it, learn from it, move on, seems to be a bit broad brushed.
It took me years to learn certain skills but I remember all of the difficult childhood moments getting there.

He is wanting the snacks as a security blanket not because he is rude and doesn't want to eat their food and must have his food. It doesn't mean it will always be this way either.

The snacks sound really healthy ..
Bringing enough for both the boys sounds like a great idea.
Once your son reaches the age where he can "hunt is own food" I don't expect you'll to be packing his snacks for him.
Right now he doesn't quite have the social skills to tell his friend
"this is what I like and I'm bringing it with me ".

Better yet~
You could always call the other mother and get a list of her sons favorite treats,throw them all in one bag,then let them have at it .
That way he doesn't have special treats..Just a bag full of treats to share ....

This post was edited by forboystoo on Wed, Oct 9, 13 at 22:24

I'm not into kids and mothers and the politics thereof, but if a guest (dinner or overnight) brings food for everyone, I'm more than happy to serve it.

I also think talking to the Mom is a good idea for a number of reasons, not just the food situation.

Thanks for the opinions! Our son is quite young not yet 5. I am a little worried it is too soon, but my husband thinks I'm ridiculous. He started sleepovers at 4; i started at 6. So i always assumed wed start sleepovers in first grade... But as my DH pointed out this is when I will be at my sickest after this round of chemo and it's probably a good thing for our son to be with a friend and not see me so sick. I guess I fear that he'll get homesick and be miserable. However, he's an adventurer and loves new experiences. Not to mention I love his friend and his friends family. I know he's in good hands.

Anyway, i really like the idea of making a mystery box for the boys. I think I can stuff it with treats each boy likes and I'll even include some dinosaurs toys and nerf balls as a surprise for each to keep. A hostess gift of sorts?

Annie, rest assured I have had several conservations with the other mom. My husband and other dad were fraternity brothers. So we know and trust the family. I guess I shouldn't be so afraid of discussing food with her, but I don't want to come off as the annoying vegetarian mother. As I said she already made sure to alter their dinner so my son feels welcome.

This is tricky.

Presumably, good hosts consider feeding their guest a part of hospitality. It is possibly offensive to indicate at the outset that you or your son does not believe the host will be able to feed him to his liking. It also sends the message that food consumption is as important as the visit itself.

The complicating factors are 1) his age (we don't know what it is), 2) the length of the visit. I think the fact that he wants something "healthy" isn't terribly relevant.

All in all, I tend to think, as another posted mentioned, that part of the experience is to experience differences, not to replicate home. No real harm can come in 12 hours. Tank him up before he leaves, and have him bring food as a gift for the family (something you think they'd enjoy however, not just a Trojan horse for him).

All that said, the Mom, as a good hostess, should ask you if there are any special dietary needs or preferences. I always do! Even for adults. And when adults are polite, sometimes I press (who wants to make something your guests won't enjoy).

PS I once had a good Japanese friend, whom, when I asked what she wanted me to make, proceeded, in all seriousness, to describe a Thanksgiving dinner. She was intrigued by these things. I laughed, said sure, and had her over a few hours early to help!

Honestly, I don't think bringing some snacks along is a big deal. If someone wants to get offended by it, then they have bigger issues they should be worrying about. A five year old shouldn't have to get caught up in all that adult stuff.

Wow, that is a hard one.

On the one hand you have this teachable moment with your son about being a guest and giving up control.

On the other hand, he has been there before, and has perceived a problem, and come up with a solution. Bravo to him on that.

I think maybe he deserves a big complement for that, but that he also needs to be able to understand that his friend is anticipating their visit and making plans for what they will do and eat.

I think that if you discuss with him and you both come to understand that IF his reason for bringing the snack is to control the experience then you explore how that is hurtful to the friend because it removes from them the pleasure of hosting.

But that as a guest it is always polite to ask what can I bring? Would you like me to bring a snack for after dinner? Etc.

And I am sorry about your health issues, and hope you get the care you need.

ps. May be a good idea to let the other parent know that it is OK to call you until 11 pm if son is tired after dinner and playing and won't settle down. Our daughter had one friend who loved the slumber party except the sleeping part. Even in junior high her dad would come and get her at 12:30

Given his age, I'd probably go with sending the food. If I were the mother of his friend I certainly wouldn't be offended, and he will no doubt grow out of this stage sooner rather than later.

Really like the idea of sending a serves-2 "care package," but it could end up that the boys are having so much fun, and both are enjoying your taco recipe, that your son may well just go with the flow.

But will your son get annoyed if he knows he has to share, if his friend asks?

Thank you all for the varied opinions. I appreciate it.

Julie you touched on my husband belief. Our son identified a problem and came up with a solution. The dh thinks it is very clever. I on the other hand want our son to be a polite guest and not feel the need to control every situation. Good suggestion on the out clause, I just assumed that was understood, but I'll be sure to mention that tomorrow at soccer practice.

Mtn, thank you. The hostess has made an effort to accommodate our vegetarian eater in their omnivore household. However I just did not feel comfortable suggesting he only drinks non dairy milk. When I ask what I can send along now to play dates etc, the other mothers look at me like I'm sprouting a third eye, they all suggest I take it easy etc. I imagine they think giving me anything to do would be burdensome. Although I would welcome the normality.

Pammy: Our son loves to share. That won't be the issue. I fear the word gross may come out of his mouth though, he doesn't quite grasp the concept of the truth can hurt and sometimes people should say nothing at all (iykwim); Although, we are working on this.

To clarify I doubt the boys will be focused on food, they usually are too busy playing soccer or hockey or building first or finding a way to terrify me by showing me the "awesome" snake or frog they found in the garden.. You know typical boy stuff.... But my son brought this food issue up and I felt compelled to address the situation in some way...

Although I think maybe taking the middle ground is the right call in this situation? Talk to him about being a polite guest in others homes, appreciating differences etc. But give him a little bit of an out by taking along a care package/hostess gift of hummus cups and carrot sticks ( not sure if both boys like) trail mix, and vegetarian gummy worms, cashew milk boxes along with vegan pb chocolate cookies (both boys love these) in jack o lantern containers with toys for each boys. Agree/Disagree?

Funny story regarding my son when he was around 12 years old. He was invited for dinner at a neighbor's home. At first, I said no because the husband would be home, he works very hard all day and doesn't need another kid at the table,etc. I finally relented and reminded my DS to be polite,eat everything, say thank you (you know, the usual mom stuff). While eating dinner (he was shoveling the salmon in his mouth), the mom asked him if he liked salmon? He replied: NO !! My girlfriend thought it was hilarious. My point,teach him to be polite--that's all that is ever needed. Role play a few lines with him if there is a food item he is not comfortable with.

A few thoughts from an veteran (sounds better than old :) mom:

-He's just a baby...I thought initially we were discussing a child much older than 4. At that age, going on a sleepover is pretty darn remarkable on its own, much less one at which he will be expected to handle entirely different eating habits as well as a different house. Just talk to the other mom, send along food he likes, enough to share, and call it done.

-You caught my heart with your remarks about trying to do what's best for him while you are undergoing chemotherapy. I salute you for doing everything you can to help him through this very difficult time.

Ann

I would send one drink and one special snack with enough to share with the family, especially if there are other siblings.

I think sending all the treats you proposed (especially for just one night) draws too much attention to his picky eater status and doesn't give him the opportunity to learn about trying new things and being a gracious guest.

Good luck with your chemo.

Our posts crossed. First of all, I wish you the best with your health.

Second, I don't think you should worry about being the "annoying vegetarian mother". If she asked, especially as you are fairly close to the family, you should just tell her exactly like it is. I am sure she wants to accommodate her guests!

FWIW, as a Mom of three, I think 5 is way way too young for a sleepover. Sorry to add that in, and I guess it might depend, but it still seems young. I would definitely check in close to bed time to see if he still wants to stay.

Also, as a faceless stranger, I can be honest --- what you are talking about sending over is the "trojan horse" I mentioned. Ostensibly a gift, but in reality a way to hide the he is bringing his own food because he doesn't think the hostess can provide for him. I would send the cookies, since you know they both like them. Sending hummus and cashew milk is pretty clearly not a "gift" you chose to please a 5yo boy. Just being honest!

I agree with mtn and think you could also be setting yourself up for sending a "treat package" for every sleepover! Sounds like you know these people well so they probably are aware of your food restrictions? Send some of the vegan cookies and I'm sure he will get enough allowed foods to eat from their house. She's already making dinner, the cookies will be dessert.

Also, just a thought from another seasoned mom. We have done "almost sleepovers" when our kids were young. Meaning, the kids get together for dinner, a game or movie, whatever, have their pj's on...but then the guest goes home at bedtime. Not saying that's what you need to do, but it's another option when kids are young.

If you do the sleepover, I think you need to tell the mom that she can call you ANYTIME, not just before 11 pm.

I wish you the very best with your treatments.

Thanks guys. You have been very helpful. I stressed that our friend could call anytime if son wasn't comfortable. I assumed that was understood but just reiterated the fact. I too think a sleepover at this age is really young. On a nadir weekend after this latest round of chemo, we usually send him to grandma and grandpas but they our out of town. Seeing as he loves sleepovers with the cousins and our discussions with the hospice counselor make me believe a fun sleepover with a teammate and friend is preferable than a weekend at home when dh is on call. So hopefully all goes well :)

Have a great day everyone.

Mtn- you're right. It was the Trojan horse. I am going to just send him with his pillow and a plate of cookies for the entire family.

You are correct your son is too young for a sleep over. Relatives are different, don't compare. But saying that, this is too easy to fix. Call the other mom thank her for the invitation and tell her in return for her hospitality you will be sending along snacks for the boys. Be warned, this sounds like an issue you will have forever. Chances are fair the shoe will be on the other foot one day. You will be hostess. Kids are crazy picky these days. Be ready for the assault on your choices.

So you arent' sending the healthy snacks? I think you have to do whatever makes you comfortable, but I do think your son found a good solution. I do understand the issue of being gracious, but I also think way too many people are forced to eat food that is bad for them, and that staying strong in your beliefs for eating healthy is a valuable lesson. If he had wanted to bring cookies to a place that only offered him fruit and veggies, my answer would be different. :)

sending you positive healing thoughts and a virtual hug and pat on the back for giving your son such healthy eating habits. It is not easy!

Just be careful. Living in Northern California, I see it all. I know people who are so obsessed with healthy food that they give their children enemas if they are contaminated. I have seen the affects on the children when food obsessions/disorders take hold on the Mom and is projected like religion on the children. Food zealots can really damage their children.

You have received good advice here. I say everything in moderation. It's possible to eat healthy and feed your children well. Just don't take it so far that your children can't function normally. It's easy to frighten kids into developing eating disorders.

Aimee has had a very intense and close experience with children of a raw food nut job. She twisted her kids minds with food rules but as the kids got older, they realized their Mom was eating healthy but her focus on food was strangely out of balance and the last thing she should have been focusing on.

Not suggesting you are doing this at all but tossing out a word of caution. Picky eaters can be nurtured into psychosis. It's not that uncommon in my community. I see it all the time in our local co op.

Good Luck with the Chemo and I am sure whatever you choose to send will be fine after all they are close friends.

Cl- thank you for the well wishes

Boop- it wasn't for a week or anything. Plus I knew he'd be eating lentil tacos with cauliflower rice for dinner. I would never encourage my kid to load up on junk food, however I want him to learn flexibility and gracious manners. I tend to agree with mtnrdredux sending a snack box wouldn't help foster independence and politeness.

Anyway, just wanted to weigh in and say he had a great time. While he complained about the lack of his milk he sent far more time telling us about games and toys. He was extra appreciative of his milk yesterday! Again thanks for all the advice. I think because of the cool headed advice from GW I was able to avoid the potential pitfall of always having to send snack packs for short visits.

Gold, I don't even know how to respond. I hesitated to ask the question because I assumed some misinformed person would rail against vegetarianism and children on the basis of nutrition. I never anticipated your comments. I find the whole idea offensive that because one raises a vegetarian child then that parent is more prone to zealotry or nurturing psychosis.

I only mentioned we follow a plant based diet.I gave no indication we maintain any sort of unhealthy relationship with food. Nor did I imply we have food rules. I merely indicated my picky (polite word for adventurous food snob) didnt like dairy milk or processed treats. As for milk, it is a texture and taste thing: he previously darnk dairy milk but after the age of 2 we allowed him to try nut and hemp milks. In the last year he choose to drink those exclusively. He enjoys cookies or a cupcake occasionally. But he wasn't raised on processed food or sugar, therefor he prefers veggie sticks with almond butter or hummus. I don't see the harm.

It seems you may have a skewed perception of vegans and vegetarians.
We, admittedly, follow an abstemious diet of fruits, legumes, vegetables. However that in no way indicates we are more prone to nurturing psychosis. We enjoy food. We don't quiz people mercilessly when we are guests at their homes on what went into the food. Im sure over the years I've eaten vegetables with butter on them or something that was cooked in chicken broth. I also know a few of those times I spent a lot of time in the restroom later as my body wasn't used to those additives. Sometimes we bring along dishes to share when we attend dinner parties or cookouts but only after asking the host if it would be all right if we did so etc. But often our hosts graciously accommodate our lifestyle choice by having something we would eat there. We don't discuss food politics around dinner tables etc. I don't see how my eating style is any more likely to encourage unhealthy relationships with food than any other lifestyle. We shop at whole foods or have our CSA deliver a box of produce every week. So I spend 0 time reading labels in front of my child. Unlike other women who are constantly obsessing over food points or calories etc. That to me sends a very perverse message to children especially girls.

RIGHT YOU ARE Golddust. I think of Michale Jackson when I hear of kids and diet enemas. But this is far afield from the question asked....

Then I certainly owe you an apology. I am sorry and it was thoughtless of me not to wish you well with your chemo. I have witnessed too many health fanatics whose kids have seriously been affected. I was making a comment about them, not you. It was a lame attempt at a cautionary tale. I'm sorry.

I"m so glad it went well.

On a side note, I too would love your lentil taco recipe, if you are so inclined to post it.

Mtnrdredux-
I don't mind sharing, but it's not an original recipe of my own. Just something I came across on a blog.

We have two taco meals in rather frequent rotation ( once a month or so) in our house. The first is adapted from this recipe: http://blog.fatfreevegan.com/2013/04/lentil-and-cauliflower-rice-tacos.html

A few changes we make: 1. I add in about 1/2 tsp of mexican oregano and 2. fresh squeezed lime juice to the mixture before serving. We tend each doctor this differently. My husband loves this simply wrapped in warm homemade tortillas with a bit of salsa verde, onions, cilantro. I love it with guacamole onions and pico. My son loves his with "refried" pintos and lettuce on crunchy baked chips but also enjoys it in soft tortillas. It's pretty versatile and can be dressed anyway your family desires. Some nights I'll even shake things up and veggies like celery and bell peppers or corn to the lentil mixture.

The second recipe is super simple and crowd pleasing as well: http://www.veggieterrain.com/2008/05/crunchy-blue-corn-chickpea-tacos.html

We tend to make a double batch with fresh chickpeas so we have leftovers for lunch the next day. Again my taco seasoning varies a tad as I make up quite a large batch and scoop out as needed but whatever your family prefers as taco spice seasoning works quite well. The tamari sounds odd, but do not skip it. It lends an Unami note and helps the spices coat the beans. We think the chickpea tacos must be served with crispy blue corn tortillas for the best texture and taste combo.

And one more tasty blog recipe: http://thursdaynightsmackdown.com/2008/03/16/tacogate-2006-sweet-potato-red-chard/

Ive been making this for years. We substitute cashew cream or tofu sour cream for the crema. but other wise make no substitutions to this recipe. Weve made it for several pool parties and never have leftovers. It is so tasty and I'm always shocked when people seem confused to hear they like chard :)

Glad to hear of the update. I hope you are also feeling better.

Thank you for the recipes, too. I am one of those who feels like they are in a recipe rut.

I have a non-traditional (actually we are supposed to call them "post-traditional") student in my classes who is a mom of 7 ranging in age from college age to age 2. Their whole family is vegetarian which some of the other students think is rather odd that kids are vegetarian. They make it work, and the kids never feel they are missing out on anything.

I'm not going to add any advise because it seems you've already gotten plenty, but I do want to say I'll be praying for your chemo treatments and a cure. Two of my cousins recently found out they have cancer. It's an evil disease.

Thanks for the recipes! We are not vegetarians but we try to eat whole foods and grains and such. Its nice to find a recipe people have enjoyed that's also good for you.

Gs, I find the quickest way out of a rut when cooking is just to designate a few days a week to a geographical region. Then I will flip through a cookbook or blogs or friends taste books etc to find something new to try. I've mastered some new cooking techniques but now understand more about complex spice pairings. That now I can create many Thai or Indian inspired dishes on the fly. Interesting anecdote about your students. In southern India vegetarian children would be considered normal :) As your traditional students travel and explore the world, I wonder if they will continue to find it as strange. Lately, I've been trying to picture what the average American diet will look like 10 years from now. Meatless Monday is growing in popularity at many eateries in our area. Then there are the environmentalist who argue that Americans need to eat more plant based meals to help the earth. Will more people take a mark bittmen approach and eat vegetarian or vegan before 6 or at leat several times a week? Will the majority of Americans be whole foods based? Will big Agriculture or food corporations allow that?

Justgotabme- sorry to hear about your cousins.

Mtn- you're welcome.I understand vegetarianism isn't for everyone. But, I do wish more people focused on healthy whole foods as you do. If your family eats vegetarian meals occassionally you may also want to check out Michael natkin's blog herbivoracious.com