(((Hugs))) It is so tough when it is family and I have not had contact with my Dad for almost 8 years now. That is our last fall out and then a few years after that he went on to do something that is completely unforgivable to me. I think he fits the description of a Sociopath in a lot of ways. Except a lot of it seems to have gotten worse with the divorce from my mother. However that now has been more than 20 years ago and he still does stuff trying to hurt my mom. The last thing was just over the top and he refuses to acknowledge he did something wrong. I've been clear and direct and talked about what normal people would do and all I get after some of those are stupid letters with a bunch of hate and weird explanations that must make sense to him. I don't need that in my life.

I thought about it this way - if this was a friend would I continue to be friends with them. Just because it is family doesn't mean I have to like them and be with them. If I see them I will act nice, but avoid them if I can. Such as at a get together I would avoid them and try to be in another room and talk to other people, but say hi if I ran into them, but not try to engage in a conversation. BTW with them I mean in my case my dad.

If it were someone I knew I could cut ties with and never see/deal with them again, then that is just what I would do. Life is too short for those feelings of anxiety and dread.

However, in your case, it sounds like you will have to see your mother on occasion. This is harder to do but might give you the most peace. You have to emotional divorce yourself from her. That means you can smile and be cordial but that's it.

Don't share anything about your life, speak to her about vague things and have small talk about the weather, etc. When she says something you don't like, just give her a flat smile and walk away. Think about her like she's the nice lady down the street that you don't know much about.

It will be very hard at first but you can do it with enough resolve. You just have to work to get to the place where nothing she says or does can affect you.

Good luck.

Is there some deep underlying issuing between you and your mom that needs resolving? I think before you end your relationship with your mom you should do everything possible to save it, afterall she is your mom. Perhaps therapy would help.

"...afterall she is your mom." Attitudes like this too often just perpetuate guilt about irresolvable personality clashes, if I may speak frankly and from experience. Amj has a long history of not clicking with her mother, and sometimes that's just the way it is. You can't fix all relationships. She should trust her gut here and work on coping strategies.

I believe life is too short to have anyone in your life who causes such angst. My mother was an awful parent to me as a child and continued throughout my adulthood. She's the one who called when she and my dad began experiencing age related issues. My sister and I spent weeks and weeks away from our families (we all live in different states) relocating them, attending to their affairs, etc. I've seen her a couple of times in the past five years (my dad has passed), no other contact, and have no guilt or regret whatsoever. I grieved the loss of a mother many years ago; I'm all grieved out:)

I wish you the best.

I am there with you. There really is no way out of it. Walking away isn't an option because you would still feel empty. We all envision what "family" should be for each other. When they aren't it still screams at us every holiday, every event, weather we attend or not. I TRY and live the mantra "she is my mom, she is my mom", and that gives me an obligation to respect and be sure she is taken care of. I have it easy because I have siblings that live with in a block of her. The duty is relieved. Life isn't a fairy tale. Sometimes there aren't happy endings. Sometimes we just have to buck up and get through it. Much easier to say than do, believe me I do know.

I cut ties with my MIL 5 years ago except for the occasional family dinner. She lives 15 minutes away from us. In this instance life is too short for me to be around her, it is not healthy for me. It probably took me 5 years to come to the decision and to be strong enough to tell my husband.

I waited until my kids were young adults and so old enough to decide if and what kind of a relationship they wanted with their grandmother. My DH sees her on a regular basis and my kids seldom see her.

It isn't that I don;t get along with her but rather I just don't like her. She is a self-centered mean spirited gossip. She just isn't very nice. I don't like being in her presence because of the poison that comes out of her mouth. She has gossiped about me and my children and my own parents in a condescending way.

I guess I would ask you to think about what your falling outs are about. Are they disagreements about something specific like politics or religion or money, are they the result of insults to something directed at you or your children/husband, is there any envy or jealousy between the two of you. I'm not pointing fingers or laying blame but sometimes whatever the problem is can be ignored for short periods of time but other times if it goes to the heart of who the person is towards you it may not beable to be resolved.

My mom and I are very different people but we are able to peacefully co-exist. I don't get her and she doesn't get me but we love each other and we don;t let our differences get in the way of our relationship. I remember driving with her on a holiday not too long ago, I was driving and we were going to see my sister and part way through the trip she says too me -" I don't understand you at all, I don't know how your mind works but I love you so much." And I'm like - wow!, Thanks mom.

Oh and I have zero interest in mending the fences between my MIL and me - no therapy, no apologies, no explanations. Once I cut ties with her it was like a great weight had lifted of my shoulders, no more tension headaches and no more teeth grinding.

"I don't understand you at all, I don't know how your mind works but I love you so much."

Yep, that really is love!!!

I'm really sorry. It's hard to live with the reality of a failed relationship with a mother when the world wants to believe the Hallmark version. Maybe thinking through boundaries and practicing how you will state them could help. I don't know how to post links yet, but a while back, Marguerite Kelly wrote a column in the Washington Post on divorcing your mother and her advice was very thoughtful. (I found it just now when I googled it.). And deciding what is important to you in terms of filial responsibilities and protection of your own well being could help you decide what your terms for proceeding are. I hope you find resolution and peace.

“What is your stance on dealing with people who you just don't get along with?”
Normally we (my family - growing up) always tried to ‘keep the peace’. More than once I’ve gushed and gooed on here how my family is awesome and I’m close with them - blabbity blah. I’m always talking about the one side. Unfortunately there have always been issues on the other.

I had a falling out with someone. That caused an uproar with other relatives and that somehow (it shouldn’t have) created other family issues. My whole family hasn’t talked with any of them in 5 years. What bothers me most is I no longer have a relationship with my other grandparents. That makes me cry. Two years ago my grandma sent my Christmas card back unopened. I got the point. She’s never met her great grandson and, sadly, probably never will.

I love them all, don’t wish them any harm, and forgive them. Sometimes you just have to love people from a distance. You can’t force someone to change and only have the ability to change yourself.

As for a positive, I can't tell you how many different situations have come up over the 5 years that would've been SO MISERABLE had everyone still been in contact and just 'keeping the peace'. Life IS too short and I don't have time for a bunch of nonsense drama anymore. It just drains you.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

This post was edited by sheesharee on Fri, Oct 18, 13 at 0:08

I am sorry also that you are going through this but as others have stated above, you have to put yourself first, and leave the guilt behind, guilt accomplishes nothing, it just destroys you from the inside.

You logically know that you are right in how you are feeling and how this relationship affects you. You owe it to yourself and your close ones, partner, kids, etc... to not invest any time being guilty or nurturing a losing battle. Accepting what we can't change is so hard !!
good luck in finding some peace in this matter.

Boy, nothing cuts our hearts open like family issues.

I've always believed that just because we are related to someone doesn't mean we have to like them. But we do have to respect them and require that we be treated with respect by them. It is especially hard though when it's your Mother. I always said Mom knew how to push my buttons as she installed them!

Remember that only you can make you feel guilty, no one else can. You have the right to create as much or as little of a relationship with her as you wish. If you are going to be at an event with her, go for courtesy and respect and minimize engagement. Do what is most comfortable for you. Easier said than done, but try not to maximize her presence in your mind on these occasions, but focus on others and let her fade into the background.

As Diana Nyad said, "Find a way." Find a way to deal with her with some degree of comfort so that she doesn't drain your energy. Find a way to focus on the now so you don't spend so much energy awfulizing and catastrophizing before the event. Find a way to change your thinking, behavior, perceptions and expectations so your relationship with her can reflect the reality of your personalities. She isn't going to change, so you will have to to reach that level of comfort, both for your sake and hers. Very often, when one changes their energy, it affects others and their energy will change too.

I'm sending hugs and courage your way.

I'm going to turn the tables and ask....if it were your mother writing in and she wanted to cut ties how would you feel? Relief, disappointment, anger, confused?
Do one or both of you find any value in the relationship?
If you cut ties today and she died ten years from now, how would you feel?

Rather than disconnect completely, could you set the expectations from the relationship low, and enjoy the few good times you experience and ignore or let the bad times go. That allows the opportunity for future reconciliation but doesn't push you to force the relationship.

I like sheesharee's comment to "love her from a distance". You don't need to have "get-togethers" which you say bring you angst but decide on the means of contact that you can handle. Perhaps a periodic note or occasional phone call. She "is the mother that she is" and you can't change her to meet your expectations. That's not so say she won't change over time. That's why I'd keep the door open a very little to allow that opportunity for a future relationship and you won't have any regrets or unanswered questions when she ultimately leaves this world.

I agree with Hilltop and should have made the same point in my post above. If there is anything in the relationship worth salvaging, by all means do it.

I have spent thousands of sleepless nights agonizing over issues with friends, coworkers, family....then it dawned on me....they're skipping down the road happy as clams and totally oblivious to my angst. The flip side could also be---is life to short to carry grudges, sever relationships, and worry about things/people you cannot change? Everyone has to answer that question for themselves and do what their gut instinct tells them to do, make a decision, and move on.

I've pondered this question for myself with family member.

What always helps me is, thinking about how I would feel if they died tomorrow. Would I have any regrets? Wish I'd done anything differently?

This is such a hard question and there isn't just one right answer.

The desire and/or social pressure to maintain a relationship with one's parents is huge.

So - pretend you cut off ties. You move on in your life.

At some point down the road, chances are she will pass on before you do.

When the time comes, will you go to her funeral?

When you think about going to her funeral in this scenario, how do you feel knowing she died without having any contact from you for X number of years?

How will she feel if you cut her out? Or don't you think she will notice?

(I'm not posing these questions to be mean....just saying that for me, thinking them through is what lead me to the answer in my situation....)

For me, I finally came to realize my family member wasn't deliberately setting out to cause me angst. Almost all of us are deeply flawed humans, you know? (I can forgive a lot if the intent isn't to hurt.) In my case I was dealing with someone who seemed to lack insight into their own behavior.

So I took a step back and realized I had to emotionally detach, but I couldn't completely walk away. I just stopped engaging on a level which would allow them to hurt me anymore. That was the right path for me.

I really do hope you find a solution which gives you peace....because you are right, life really is short.

Thanks for all of the feedback so far. It is surprising how many of us are in a similar situation. It is sad that there are so many sour relationships out there.

Part of me feels like I need to give specific examples of incidents that have led to this tension, but I won’t because it would be a very LONG post. In a nutshell, I always felt we had normal relationship until I moved out and then started my own family. Now that I'm an adult I see things clearly. I am beyond trying to “fix” this relationship. Trust me, we’ve tried. It usually ends with her telling me that she will follow up with some topic (she needs more time to think before responding), then she never replies, and then I forget about it and life goes on until the next blow up. I’m just at the point where I don’t want to start the cycle again.

As for our personalities she has told me that she doesn’t necessarily like me either. I’m okay with that since it came out when I told her the same thing (not a screaming fight, but a real conversation about why there is so much tension between us). I know she doesn’t like me, yet she wants to be around me. It doesn’t make sense. I suppose she is of the mindset that family is family, regardless of the circumstances. I, on the other hand, do not go where I am not wanted. I accept that there will always be people who don’t care for me. After all, I don’t necessarily care for every person I meet.

I just can’t be around her without feeling physically and emotionally awful. My sweet husband has offered to take our kids to visit her just so I don’t have to deal with her. The kids ask about her, so that fuels the guilt too. When we see each other we are cordial, but that’s about it.

Lyfia: “if this was a friend would I continue to be friends with them.” No.

Kellyeng: “Emotional divorce” I like that description. That is what I need. I’m working on it.

Roseabbey: There are a lot of issues and we’ve discussed them at length. “She is my mom after all” is the underlying cause of my guilt. As for therapy…. Ugh. I can honestly say that I just don’t care enough anymore to invest the effort. I suppose this is how divorcing couples must feel towards the end.

Awm03: Yes, coping strategies. I need those!

Funnygirl: Perhaps I am just waiting to reach the point of being “all grieved out” with my mom and then the guilt will pass.

Arcy: yes, I try to get through it but it is tough when she makes contact and wants to get together. It certainly would be easier if she would back off too. I do feel her absence on special occasions, but the sadness of her absence is more tolerable than the angst of her presence.

Blfenton: I love what your mom told you! I know my mom loves me, and I love her, but we just can’t be together. Love from a distance I suppose.

Larecoltante: Thanks for the article. It gave me a label for why I want a divorce: she is “too self-focused or too difficult for you to bear any longer.”

Shee: I rave about my family too. They’re awesome except for you know who! I feel blessed to have the family that I have, even with a bad apple. I’m sure you feel the same way.

Mitch: I wish logic didn’t conflict with emotion so much!

Annie: I do make myself feel guilty. If I saw her at a family event that was hosted by someone else it wouldn’t affect me. Unfortunately, I host most of the events. Then she hears about it and asks to come. I say “fine”. Then I have guilt about not inviting her in the first place and anxiety about seeing her. I should just say no then only have the guilt.

Hilltop: if it were your mother writing in and she wanted to cut ties how would you feel? Relief, without hesitation I would say relief.
Do one or both of you find any value in the relationship? I think we both value that we are mother-daughter but that is all. It's just a label in our case. We don’t bring joy to one another.
If you cut ties today and she died ten years from now, how would you feel? I would be sad that she died but I don’t know if I would wish that I tried harder to mend our relationship. I really don’t know. My MIL is always telling me that I need to fix it but I can’t bring myself to do it since I’ve been down that road too many times before.
I have a very low expectation of our relationship already. I send pictures of my kids and am polite when we are together. I’m content with that. She wants the Hallmark relationship but I no longer think it is possible.

Joanie: I agree. I am working on finding my answer.

I haven't read all the replies.

First, I'm sorry. I am sure this has been a difficult part of your life for a long while. Parents are people, people are flawed, and some very deeply.

All i care about in this scenario is you. I would only do what you need to feel at peace with this. I would just want to make sure you never have regrets. To me, I try to do just a little but more than what I think someone "deserves". Like 10% over that line. It's my "regret insurance".

I don't know if that makes sense ...

My DIL has a difficult relationship with her father (her mother is deceased and he is remarried). It's so odd for me to hear her talk about it because it is obvious he loves her, he's just wired differently and doesn't show it in the way she thinks he should. She almost didn't have him walk her down the aisle; fortunately, she was convinced otherwise. I've tried to explain to her that his intent is never to hurt her. There's a difference between evil and ignorance. Her step mother recently told DIL that he cries at night sometimes because of the distance between them. I think/hope that was a wake-up call for her.

So, I'd ask if she just isn't the mother you want or is her intent to hurt you. If it's the former, I'd advise to continue to try find a way to have some sort of relationship with her, hard as that may be.

Patriceny, I know your questions were not posted to be mean. They are thought provoking. I've been thinking about this all day. I like the idea of regret insurance. I truly understand what you mean mtnrd.

Funnygirl, your comment about intent really hit home. I know she does not intend to hurt or anger me. It only happens, I believe, because we are like oil and water. Once I identified the key point that there is no intent to harm, I felt like I need to have some type of relationship (within the regret insurance boundaries). First thing on my list would be no visits in my home. I feel like it is too personal and I am trapped. If we met someplace public I could easily go if things were going badly. As I thought about resuming our relationship I could feel my heart pounding and my stress level rising. That was just thinking about getting together. Maybe I'm not ready yet, but I will continue to ponder all of the advice I have received here.

Good for you AJM, for working so hard on this. This may sound unusual, but what about seeing a counsellor? A lot of health plans cover it. A professional can provide neutral ground, referee, and may be able to guide you both to the best relationship you can forge, whatever that is.