jterrilynn, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the loss of your aunt and your mom possibly playing games again. Personally by what you've written about the changes in the last couple weeks I think it's just another way to gain attention.
I always had an amazing memory so when I first noticed it really slipping I made an appointment to see my long time doctor. She asked me a few questions about what I was forgetting and what was going on in my life at that time. She then told me it was most likely I just had a very busy life and I wasn't taking the time to "store" the things I was forgetting adding that when I forgot things like how to tie my shoes or that I was suppose to turn off the stove after cooking and things like that, then I could start to worry about Alzheimer's.
So when you're with your mom this weekend look for signs of her not being able to do daily tasks that we do without really thinking about them. If she's showing signs of that kind of memory loss, then I'd make an appointment with her doctor.

Well, whether or not it is a ploy, your aunt has passed. That is first priority. Showing the proper respect for your aunt and grieving for her are your first priority. There is nothing urgent about your Mom's condition (if it is a condition) and I would safely ignore it for the time being.

Under the best of circumstances, it can be hard to diagnose dementia, of which Alzheimer's is one form. Usually people with dementia work to hide it.

I agree that your aunt's funeral should be your first priority. I guess if I were you, I would allow your mother to act however she wants. Just keep answering her questions without getting upset (hard to do, I know).

If she wants to suggest that she has Alzheimer's, you might tell her not to worry, that the stress of losing her sister is probably having an effect on her, and if she gives it a few weeks, she will be back to normal. This sounds like one of those situations that is going to play out over time - it will go away in time or it will become evident over a period of months that something is wrong.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Sounds like Mom has munchausen's syndrome.

If she has dementia, she will start showing signs like inability to tell what time of day it is. My MIL would start looking for breakfast at 10:30 at night...things like that. She also started cutting up her underpants trying to make them into adult diapers...she seemed to lose the ability to distinguish the difference though she'd been wearing them for many many years. My aunt also lost the ability to come up with words...tomatoes became red things and cucumbers became green things. The confusion gets to be pretty obvious...a lot more than just an excuse to call you. Serious dementia, they may forget how to even use the phone.

I agree with mtnrd. Focus on your aunt...if your mother does have dementia, it's nothing that needs to be dealt with immediately.

If you or your sister can come up with an excuse for your mother to draw a clock for you, you could try having her do the clock draw test. If she's faking and she doesn't know it's a diagnostic, she won't think to fudge it.

Basically the person is asked to draw a clock that shows the time 10 after 11. If the clock looks messed up (there are a lot of examples on the internet if you do a search for clock draw test), she may legitimately have a problem. If the clock looks fine, it suggests that dementia isn't her issue or that her impairment is very mild.

I have dealt with a dad with mental illness. His psychiatrist flat out told me not to allow dad to get away with anything. Going along with crazy does not make crazy better - it makes it worse.

I would ask her if she has been diagnosed by a doctor. If she says yes, ask to see her medical records, perscriptions, doctor's orders, etc. If she says yes but it's none of your business, tell her you don't believe her. If she says no, tell her you would be happy to assist her with getting an appointment.

You might also ask her about giving someone power of attorney and to start looking at assisted living facilities - that always snapped my dad out of his manipulations real fast.

They will jerk you around as long as you allow it.

Honestly I thought I was a little more immune to all this stuff but think the grieving part has surfaced some wounds. My other aunt is also going through some of these anger/concern and guilt for anger issues as well with mom and I have been getting sort of hate towards mom tx’s from her. I am not confiding in her and trying to keep the hate down to a minimum. Those two have never gotten along. A while back my sister and I filled my living aunt in with what really went on in our house when we kids were small and I’m afraid we made matters worse on that front.

You have all helped a lot! Mom’s situation…or non-situation is not the focus the next few days. I will try hard not to let crazy get to me (it will be hard since my normal pragmatic self has low defenses right now). I will try hard not to allow crazy if it’s obvious. Mostly I need to stop making this all about her, JUST LIKE SHE PLANNED. I will keep an eye on little things she does to see if there is any reason to be concerned about Alzheimer’s. Apparently she has done some silly things since my aunt went into hospice, like blowing a cup of coffee up in the microwave because she put the timer on 45:00 minutes instead of 45 seconds. That same day but later she blew up a bowl of food in micro the same way. However, at that point they were told my sick aunt had hours not days to live. Everything with mom started to get bad around then and after.

It's an odd thing, but the more we try to resist and change our feelings, the worse it gets. Try instead to feel, accept, and let it go. Let it wash over you without sucking you in.

Hang in there, kiddo! Keep your chin up!

The microwave explosions may just have been she was thinking of her sister and not paying attention. Don't worry yourself until you have to. As hard as that may be to do when you feel the added fear coming on, take time to breath. If you're a believer, pray. I'll be praying for you and your family at this hard time. I'm so sorry for the loss of your aunt.

I was the caregiver for my grandmother who had Alzheimer's and now my father-in-law who has age related dementia. With both it came on slowly and very subtle. They are often not aware it is happening and if they are, most often try to cover for it. Your mom appears to make the point (over and over) in letting you know she can't remember.

Perhaps after the service you might tell your mom you would like to accompany her to the doctor who diagnosed her. Curious as to what her reaction would be.

I am sorry for the loss of your aunt. You certainly have alot on your plate, not an easy time for you. Take care.

Thank you everyone! I just know I’m going to get bombarded at different points of time while up there, most likely by my aunt and my sisters husband. They will feel I need to be told what my responsibilities are and will be doing so to protect my younger sister who they think cannot handle it. I told everyone long ago that as I lost my childhood I had no plans on losing my older age years as well. My Aunt who just passed knew this and coaxed mom into setting herself up in an environment that has assisted living. I contacted several facilities and had literature sent to her as well as info on all senior amenities in her area. Mom was under the notion that it was all her idea, picked her place to live and she uses most of the local senior services. Of course I will do my share but had to say those things to get the ball rolling while mom had all her wits. I do love my mom but do have to limit the responsibilities to somewhat shared responsibilities with my sister as I live five states away. I have decided not to have any conversations with others regarding mom (except with sister) while up there. My response will simply be “its Karen time” as in, my aunts’ funeral time. And, instead of getting myself worked up over likely “mom” topics from family members I’m going to think of Annie’s words and let it rooolll off me lol. Thanks for that Annie; I’m already putting that great advice into action. This morning I was getting worked up again and visually pictured myself awash with comforting warmth starting at the top of my head and moving down over my body taking all negativity away.

Mattie, I have no idea how you have cared for two elderly persons with Alzheimer’s/dementia. My potential problems are nothing compared to what you do on a daily basis. I do not have it in me to be a caregiver for elderly. It’s a selfish thing to admit but true. You are a special person!

Kellielog, I know you get what I’m talking about. I had an alcoholic parent and a mentally unstable parent. I’m not sure but do I remember that your dad was both? I know I always felt like the real parent as young as age five or maybe even earlier. It’s not something you ever get over. It’s something that takes over against your will. Being that I’m a very strong willed person it still catches me by surprise.

To all, your kind words really have helped right now and I mean that.

If you've always been the go-to gal, and your Mom is difficult to handle, everyone else in the family has an incentive to make sure you continue to be the go-to gal as it alleviates them of the responsibility. And don't you just love how many people think "being helpful" means criticizing what you are doing, telling you what you should be doing, then walking away? If they really want to be helpful then they should put some skin in the game. If they aren't willing to do that, then they should stop being "helpful."

I don't know about your personal situation so what I'm about to say may not apply, but I do know we get stuck in family roles. Neighbor of ours had a "fragile" daughter who suffered with depression and other issues. The rest of the family always worked to "protect" her as they were afraid of what she could and couldn't handle. Now Dad is gone, Mom is elderly and dippy and frail, and other daughter lives far away. Would you believe, the "fragile" daughter has stepped up to the plate, broken out of her old role and has found this opportunity to grow and demonstrate that she can do it? It's actually helped her grow and change and take on responsibility. Interesting turn of events.

I'm glad you found my suggestion helpful. I'll share with you another stress reducer. As you are upset and your mind takes you to all kinds of places, try to focus on the now. Don't dredge up all these things from the past as they are past and can't be changed. Don't awfulize and catastrophize about what's to come...your imaginings are much worse and far more intense than the reality as your mind takes all the potential events to come and focuses them on you all at once.

Fear is not fact.

As you find your mind dwelling on these things, when you notice it, just return your attention to what you're doing now. After all, all you have available to you is this very moment to deal with what you have in front of you at this moment. The future will meet you one step at a time, the past is beyond your reach. But you do have this one precious moment.

I'm sending you hugs and courage, strength and comfort.

Jterrilynn, my dad has a "malignant personality disorder" and pretty much terrorized my family when we were kids. My brother is an alcoholic. Dad started with his health/money manipulations after all his kids stopped communicating with him and he realized he would die alone. The difference between you and I is that I have no love for my dad and so it's much easier to remove him from my life. My mom always tried to "counter" dad and was a very good mom considering what she had to work.

I'm the strong "go-to" person in my family too and I just decided that I can't have that role anymore when it came to dad and my siblings didn't feel the need to step up so, at this point, there is zero contact with him.

I'm very sorry you have to go through all of this while trying to grieve for a beloved aunt.

Has your mom had a complete physical and battery of blood tests performed recently? All other problems aside, I ask this because forgetfulness and confusion in the elderly can be brought on by such things as urinary tract infections, dehydration, and low levels of magnesium and potassium to name a few. I know this because my mom had what seemed to be a sudden onset of forgetfulness and confusion at the end of last summer. She refused to see a doctor, but did wind up being hospitalized after a fall. Thankfully, she did not injure herself, but we found out that she had a urinary tract infection and her levels of magnesium, potassium, and sodium were very low. Once the urinary infection was taken care of (often undiagnosed in the elderly due to lack of pain or blood in urine) and fluid levels were brought back up to normal, the fog of forgetfulness and confusion was greatly reduced.

This post was edited by goldengirl327 on Wed, Oct 16, 13 at 20:08

jterrilynn,
I'll be thinking of you and sending you all kinds of strength vibes. Great advice here. My only thought would be that if you can manage to stay somewhere besides with your mom, maybe that would help.

Good luck, and I'm very sorry about your Aunt.

Beth P.