Ever hear the old saying -- "A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son til he takes a wife."

I don't believe it has to be true.

We are lucky that our son and his family live close and we see them often...but a lot of that has to do with the fact that my husband and our son stil enjoy the same interests and do them together.

ML

I have two grown sons, both in their 40's. Neither is married, but that is another story! I have met so many girlfriends I have told them (jokingly) to stop bringing them around until they find "the" one.

There was a long period of time that I rarely heard from my older son. There was no fallout. I don't know why it was that way. As he got older, we began to communicate more. In the past year he has started to call me frequently and sent me gorgeous flowers, candy, a balloon and a sweet note for my birthday. I think part of this change came from a tragedy in his like. He and a beloved girlfriend had recently broken up. She died of a medical condition unexpectedly and he was totally shaken. I think it opened his eyes to the importance of the people in his life and that they will not live forever.

Son #2 lives not far away and I hear from him a few times each week and see him at least once a week. We are close and go out for dinner from time to time. We went to see the movie Gravity in 3D and IMAX last week, which was a hoot. It is a joy to have such a close relationship with him.

Nevertheless, I know my friends with daughters have a different sort of relationship with them. I think part of it is the female propensity to talk and confide in each other. Mother-daughter relationships also seem to be more emotional. Some of my friends have had rip roaring arguments with their daughters that have been very painful. I hear less of that with sons.

So, to finally answer your question, I do think mothers and daughters are closer. Married sons seem to become part of the wife's family, which doesn't mean that they cannot remain close to their own parents. Of course, that is not always the case.

Life just gets so busy. Maybe try reaching out to him more often. Maybe he feels a little closed out by the females in the family -- not intentional but just the difference in men and women. Maybe your daughters need to include his wife in family interactions more, so she feels like a daughter, too? Just an idea.

"I do think mothers and daughters are closer. Married sons seem to become part of the wife's family."
I'm very close with my family. DH doesn't seem to want to spent much time or keep in contact with his. We like them and they don't live far, but it's rare we see them. This bothers me for a couple different reasons.

DH does spend a good bit of time with my family, but he likes to relax at home.

I've had coworkers tell me their son (20's) doesn't keep contact, etc. No fall out. It totally crushes the moms. You're supposed to let go but for them to never really bother? A bummer sounds like an understatement.

I've also noticed our one friend, who's married with a kid, loves his mother dearly and makes that extra effort to keep in touch, etc. His wife constantly rides him how he needs to 'cut the imbilical cord'. She's so annoyed by it. I've noticed that seems to be a common reaction to any guy who seems to keep more in touch with their mom.

I hope our DS keeps in contact when he's older.

Wow...that would be hard to take. Can't imagine....are you close to the grandkids?

I have two boys and two girls. Youngest is 42 as well. I can't say we "chat" like i do with the girls or "shop" like we do, but we certainly are every bit as close.....either a call, a text, or an email at least every week or ten days, and I see them fairly often.

I have 5 kids, 3 girls who I very close to, and 2 boys, equally the same. My youngest son is single, age 47, and we see each other once a week, either Sat/Sun. We enjoy shopping, auctions, antique malls, movies, dining out, and other like interests. My oldest son, 49, lives in Wilmington, NC and calls every weekend, and sometimes once during the week. He visits me twice a year and always tells me to 'get my list ready' of things I need him to do~he usually stays 5 days. I also visit him and his family at least once a year.I raised my kids with the belief family and siblings should always be an important part of your life. They still call each other on birthdays/ holidays. Their spouses have become as important to me as my own kids, and know the bond we share, which includes them as well. I've tried not to be a meddling mother, and let the kids solve their own problem as they arise. However, if they ask my opinion about something, I always give my honest opinion, whether they like it or not.

All my kids live within five miles of me. They have families and now their kids are grown so the whole system we had seems to have gone by. We always did cookouts, fourth of July together at the lake house, gathering for meals every few weeks and we did that for years. Now they're in their 50s and their kids are gone and they go on trips etc. We all email each other frequently but my daughter I see more, the two boys are quick to jump if I ask for anything but some times it seems like they're forgetting but I know how darn busy they are. They all see my husband and I as very active people with busy lives which is true so they probably think we're not as available which is also true. Life changes, we adjust. I have one granddaughter age 26 who is devoted to us, she talked two hours with my husband last night and today we all went out to lunch. We're very blessed.

I do have more constant contact with my daughter, she's the type that likes to check in often, whereas my son is not like that , both are very different in their communication style. There's a flow when you are in daily contact hence you are closer.

I remind DH to call his mother sometimes.

I know of many families where the sons are less in touch than the daughters. Somehow, in most of my couple relationships, it's the ladies who make the dates and call each other...even with couples where I first met the husbands through work, it's the wives that seem to keep in touch.

DH and I both stayed in touch with his folks a lot but that was because he was an only child so there was no one else for them to fall back on.

But I know my mother treated my brother very differently when I was growing up as my father did me. And my GF admitted that she expected a lot more and put more responsibility on her daughters than she did her son.

Oedipus/Electra...still at work.

I am very close with my Mum and have a cordial relationship with my in-laws. (Funny story- recently my FIL called the house looking for my husband. He stumbled over how to indentify himself and finally settled on "it's Mr. Smith". When speaking to him, for the 20 years I've been married to his son, I've always called him Hank. I've been snickering about this for weeks.)

My husband sees his parents every Sunday at church and calls them once a week. A few times a year, they do things together that do not involve me (eating at a particular buffet restaurant) and I join them a few times a year for holidays and special occasions. I think we are all happy with the arrangement. We see my Mum often and even take vacations with her.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your son and DIL so that should make a sturdy base to build upon. You will have to take the lead on this and not wait for them. I think you were wise to step back and let him establish his own life but that doesn't mean you can't become more of a part in it now.

Why don't you start by texting and emailing brief things to both of them. Be careful not to go overboard and inundate them with messages. It may be a fine line between the level of their interest in keeping in touch and yours so I'd let their responses guide you. A text or email is better than a phone call because it can be read and answered at their convenience. It might take months for the situation to change but if you're interested in more of a relationship I think it would be worth pursuing.

Obviously, I don't know the full story but the female sheesharee mentions is displaying her insecurity. Why wouldn't she view her husband's relationship with his mother as a good model of behavior for how her own kids should treat their mother (her) when they are adults?

Until my 40 year old son married his second wife a few years ago, he was in constant contact. My 37 year old daughter and I are very close and in contact several times weekly. Son lives 2 hours away, daughter 5. I visit and see my daughter several times a year, son much less often!

In my situation, I believe the second wife has curtailed my sonâÂÂs communication efforts. I notice that he only calls when sheâÂÂs not around! We get along okay, but this woman has her own agenda, and doesnâÂÂt seem to want to keep in frequent contact. We raised our grandson, SonâÂÂs son, until he married wife #2, because he was in the military and constantly overseas on long tours - so we raised grandson from his first year until he was 13. Son married wife #2 when grandson was 14, and from that point on she appeared to resist our attempts to maintain contact with grandson - she wanted to do the complete âÂÂmomâ thing and take complete control.

ItâÂÂs difficult, because I miss the frequency of contact with Son and grandson, but donâÂÂt want to interfere with the balance of his marriage. Our daughter complains, too, that since the marriage, sonâÂÂs once frequent contact with daughter has stopped, too. Apparently this wife resented their contact and closeness, also!

I have 3 kids in their 20's. DS1 is recently married. They have always gravitated to her side of the family. DIL does not like us/me. I have accepted it and am merely cordial when she is forced to see us on holidays. I don't think I have ever said or done anything over the line or unforgivable. I felt horrible about our lack of a relationship for a long time, until a dear old friend said "Sara could have gotten the mother in law from hell and she didn't...she's a spoiled, ungrateful brat and doesn't care who she hurts to get her own way." That opened my eyes, but it still breaks my heart. Apart from seeing family and friends from out of town, the wedding was not joyous for me. I don't think anything I say or do will be the right thing in her eyes...dammed if I do/don't. DS does make an effort to see us at least once or twice a month, but comes alone. We plan to move away when we retire and DH laments the fact we won't know future grands (as do I) , but I know we will only see them when they need a babysitter so it makes that decision easier.

DD lives 400 miles away. She hardly ever calls, unless she wants something or has a problem. That said, I do think kids today are way more into texting than calling. She and her old BF used to text constantly...they lived two hours apart. ..one day I said jokingly..." Do you two ever actually talk on the phone?" She and I do email several times a week.

DS2....awwww...he will be the one to take care of us in our old age! He relocated back home 6 mos ago and lived with us for three months. He lives about 40 min away now but always comes over. He's upset we plan to move away in a few years when we retire.

I have 3 kids mid-20's to 30. We live in Midwest; one child is on East coast, one is on West coast (at one time lived half-way round the world) and one lives w/in a mile of us and works with us. We cherish the few times a year we see the coastal kids (once when we visit them and once when they either come here or we get together somewhere else). We talk on the phone maybe once or twice a month and email maybe once a month. I chat via gmail with my daughter once a week or so. Since we see the son we work with all the time we don't do much socializing with him. His GF is a few hours away so he's on the road a lot to see her. I've found I'm much happier if I have minimal expectations but enjoy and be grateful for the time we do have together. We don't have demands that they "have to show up" for certain holidays or family events. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't - but I know their hearts are always with us because the times we do communicate and are together are so good!

My SIL has all of her kids family's close by and I can see that it brings challenges of its own. Each of us can look at the others situation in a glass half-full or empty situation. I see her having the benefit of kids close by but the challenges of intruding on daily life (perceived or real) and being the go-to babysitter. I have the benefit of travel and freedom here at home but the challenge of finding time together and occasional feelings of isolation and loneliness.

The younger generation is living such a different communication and familial style than generations before. We as parents need to adapt. I told my kids when they moved away to be sure to have a good support system in place in the area where they live because we will not be able to provide the immediate hands-on assistance that parents in close proximity are able to provide. In order for them to establish that support system they need to develop relationships and spend time with those in their immediate area. Challenging for me- you bet! There are a few times I'm lonely and wondered if we let them spread their wings too far; however we raised them to be independent adults and to follow their dreams. They are happy with the locations and careers they have chosen so I am happy for them.

I was just thinking about this same situation with my own two kids this morning . . . and yesterday . . . and the day before, etc. It's Sunday and I'm hoping our son calls today to chat for a bit. He's now 29 and DD is 19.

DH & I gave both our kids wonderful, happy, fun, loving childhoods. We never favored one over the other. One son; one daughter . . . one of each! Firstborn and Last-born. Both very much loved and wanted. Both smart. Neither got into any trouble at school or home. Just normal, happy times.
DS went off to his college of choice at the University of Oklahoma and stayed on to get his Masters. Went into the Army directly after for 3 years. Right afterwards, he took a job as a civilian contractor for the Army in Arizona. His girlfriend lives with him now. We know her and like her a lot. She likes us, too. We don't call and pester him/them. Never whine or complain. Try never to give unasked for advice. (Sigh), but it breaks my heart that he can go for weeks without calling us. I came from a very close family of nine kids. We're still all very close and we call our parents at least once a week to chat and each other frequently, as well. We even spend our big Summer vacations together at the lake every year.

I guess, I always just expected that our kids would stay close and close by. I know DS loves us, but gosh, do we miss him!

With DD, we hear from her just about every day. She's a sophomore at the University of Oklahoma (her college of choice, as well). We get along wonderfully with her and laugh a lot when we talk. In retrospect, I am so glad we have a daughter, as I would be heartbroken with just one son who called home only sporadically.

Sadly, most daughters and sons do seem to be different, as adults. I envy and am so happy for any of you who have close relationships with your sons. I hope someday mine with DS will change for the better, as well.
Lynn

One son here. Still close and we talk or text a couple times a week most weeks, although there is the occasional week when we don't. His wife is a sweetie and she and I also talk at least once a week. I adore her. They live five minutes from us, so we also see one or both of them weekly-especially since we often have their dog over on weekends to run with our two maniacs.

I often wonder why a DIL would be worried about a husband's closeness to his family and why some men don't keep in such close contact. I wonder if we are raising our daughters to be less secure and our sons to be less emotionally connected. Just curious really.

Interesting thread! Our grown son lives several states away but he's always called weekly, texts and emails regularly. He's always been very open, communicative, affectionate, solicits our advice, etc. This has not changed since marrying a year ago. We were even fortunate to have just taken a trip with him while his wife went to her home country for a visit.

DD lives an hour away and we see her fairly regularly depending on what is going on with her social life but we can also go for longer than I like without hearing from her. She opens up to us but it is on her terms (meaning when she wants our advice, needs to talk, etc.). She's on the quiet side anyway but I feel she holds too much in (she also doesn't share with her friends much. I remember one time she described a friend of hers as "high maintenance" because she likes to discuss herself, issues, etc. I remember thinking, "Um, yeah, that's what women do!" DD said she thinks anyone would be bored hearing about her and any problems she might have). She's very affectionate with us, shares her feelings in cards, verbally (she has to initiate it), and physically (she still puts her arm around me when we are out walking, shopping, etc.). Anyway, a little different twist from the above in that our son is the more open, communicative one.

For those of you wondering about a husband's closeness to his mother and how it can be a negative - it's a negative when your 8 and 10 year old sons are asking me why does daddy love nana more than them. It's sad but true. My sons are now 24 and 25 and still wonder why. This isn't a MIL thread so I won't go any further. Suffice to say she is a self-centered B**** and I have learned how not to be a future MIL from her.

My sons are still at home but are seldom here. They have both finished university and are in the beginnings of jobs in their chosen careers. I relish the times that I do see them but I also know that when they marry I will seldom see them. I will cut the umbilical cord. Whatever relationship I have with them will be of their choosing. I remember being their age and still finding my place in the adult world. If and when they have children I hope that there will be a place in their lives for me - if not it will make me sad but my sons will be taught that their first allegiance is to their wife and children and not to me.

Bl, I am sorry your MiL was so awful.

I do think that both partners need to put each other first, then their children, then their families, but that doesn't mean daughters and sons can't still be close to their families. I suspect that my son might have asked the same question had I stayed, but I decided that if his dad couldn't put us first, then we couldn't stay. Best decision ever. He was greatly loved by my entire family and my friends. He grew up secure and confident and I hope someday I have grandchildren because he will be an amazing dad.

I have a friend who has 1 son and 2 daughters. Her daughters frequently drop off their children to be babysat by grandma & grandpa. She complains because she babysits her son's child only about once a month (daughter-in-law's choice).

Thanks to all of you for your comments. It sounds like all of us have different ways of handling our sons but mine doesn't sound that far out of line. I'm going to step up my game a little. I think I've been too standoffish. My Dh is not a warm fuzzy person. He would never see the kids or grandkids if it were up to him. He doesn't dislike them he just has none of the normal (to me) human connections. If one of them has a problem he is right there. He makes me feel like I'm over involved or that I need to be more involved to make up for him. Crazy making.....

My MIL had only sons - four of them. My DH was in regular contact with her just like you are with your daughters. Seems there's no reason males need to be treated differently. In either case I think one has to be perceptive about how frequent involvement in married, adult children's lives is perceived and accepted by the daughter or son in law.

Umbilical, sorry.

For the couple where the husband loves his mom and wife gets upset, I don't know the whole story either, but you can tell it's definitely a thorn.

For my own DH not spending time with his family... I know why he doesn't. His parents do have some distinct quirks (like all of us), but I don't feel it's a good enough reason to not see them more often. On the flip side, his parents are always on the go - very busy, busy - so that does make things harder.

It can be this way even if they are not married. My son just does not stay in touch with us very well. We got used to it when he was in the military but it has persisted since then. He stayed with us a few months this summer and we got along great. I felt like we were so close, then when he moved away for school again, nothing! It was wierd to go from that closeness to this again. Daughter on the other hand, is much more chatty and spending time with us. Always was, even in high school, my friends were jealous that she would tell me all about her day every night, but sometimes it was too much, and I needed a break! lol