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sixtyohno

DS -15 years of drinking

sixtyohno
9 years ago

Do you know anyone who has actually recovered from alcohol addiction?
It's been 15 years for DS3. He is a binge drinker so we go through normal times and then it starts again. I have enabled, separated, been loving, cold, available, ignored, done Alanon, rescued, paid for cars, lawyers, rent, on and on.
Now it all looked so good. A lovely girl, a new condo and a good job. So the drinking started. The job is gone. The girl will stay if he is clean and can pay his share. He is smart, good looking, can be loving, funny etc
So Tuesday I took him to a rehab. It is the 5th time. He wanted to go. because he has too much to lose now that he has this girl and a lovely place to live. (no job). He really loves her. He is detoxing. The insurance company has to be called by the rehab after detox to see if he can stay longer. I am hoping, but insurance companies are nasty and don't want to pay. So we will see.
I read the statistics on recovery and they are horrible. But I keep thinking, maybe this time. He has so much to live for that he never had before.
Do you know anyone who has recovered? Was there a catalyst? Is this the life I am doomed to live? I do have some happy times, but then he crashes and I crash too. He doesn't have a clue what he does to me and DH. And he doesn't want to hear it.

Comments (67)

  • dedtired
    9 years ago

    I've seen people overcome it and I've seen people who just couldn't. I've never had to deal with it directly. I just know how much I love my adult sons and would be torn apart by the situation. As with any kind of negative behavior, the decision to change has to come from the person. You can't make it happen. I'm sure you know that. Wishing you and your son the best. I hope it beats it once and for all. My good friend's daughter overcame alcohol and drugs. She goes to AA meetings regularly even though she has been "clean" for at least ten years.

  • missymoo12
    9 years ago

    As long as your son has someone willing to pay his way for him he will most likely continue on his previous path. He hasn't hit his bottom yet. It is HIS bottom.
    I used to work in this field. Psychiatric and addiction. My opinion is the most successful find God and put God first in their lives. As in give your life over to God. This is the hardest and easiest way to overcome. He will need to see the way for himself and until he does it will be uphill.
    Prayers for you.

  • violetwest
    9 years ago

    I've already directly answered your question, but I want to add a couple of comments. First, to acknowledge your pain in having a child with this problem. It hurts. It hurts me just thinking about it, and I hurt for you. Both SILs have drinking problems, and I hurt for my DDs and my grandkids, but there's nothing I can do.

    Second, about that article -- I read it also, and what I took away from it was that there are alternatives to AA, especially for young people who are struggling but cannot deal with the spiritual aspect and/or the thought of lifelong prohibition.

    I also want to say there are new movements and new tools for alcoholics. My ex is involved with Faces and Voices of Recovery, which (afaik) is a movement which attempts to remove the stigma associated with alcoholism and by extension, the anonymity which was essential in the old days. I think this is a good thing.

    As for you -- love your son, but for goodness' sake, stop bailing him out (literally or figuratively). His problem, his life.

  • allison0704
    9 years ago

    You're receiving good advice, and I appreciate everyone sharing. I'm sorry you're having to go through this and know exactly how you feel. I have been dealing with the same thing (plus more issues) with our oldest daughter for also 15 years. I finally told her to never push a loyal person to the point they no longer give a $h*t. It honestly didn't make a difference in her behavior, and it really is all up to her.

    Looking back, I know I have done things that helped, but I also enabled. Stepping as far back as I could/can reduces my stress (and DH). And after 15 years, I am no longer willing to be a part of the drama. She calls herself a train, but as long as she sees herself that way, I don't see things changing for her. But I can choose not to take part.

    I hope your son learns to work through his addiction, and he realizes it is a day to day struggle.

  • outsideplaying_gw
    9 years ago

    I've never had to deal with this directly, but know of a couple of people who are recovering. Plus another friend, who has recently started a blog, has a son who has been clean for almost 2 years now. He's 22 and they really struggled with his drug addiction. This couple is amazing, running a local non-profit, we have supported and been involved with for the past several years. I've linked one of her blogs below which might be useful to read. If you scroll through the blogs you will find others about her son.

    Here is a link that might be useful: http://dreamingwithyourfeet.com/2014/06/23/a-mothers-worst-fear/?blogsub=pending#subscribe-blog

  • sixtyohno
    Original Author
    9 years ago

    Allison-thank you.
    I know that sometimes "fixing" has been done to relieve my own unbearable stress and that of my DH. The last time I bailed him out, 18 months ago, he was in a 3rd world hospital in Thailand after a one month binge. They had pumped his stomach many times and jacked him up on meds. He was basically incoherent. I took him to a little hotel and stayed there for a week until DH could make flight arrangements for us. He had 10 days to get out of the country or get arrested. We came home and he moved in with us for a short time. 3 months later he drove drunk and smashed his car. Then he had a good year. Terrific girl, job and a lovely place to live. Drinking started again 2 months ago. Since then I have done nothing except help him find a rehab last week and drop him off there. If the Thai episode had happened in the US I would have let him get arrested etc. But an American in a Thai jail was just too frightening.

  • debrak2008
    9 years ago

    I'm a daughter of an alcoholic and the other parent had a drinking problem. For me a true alcoholic is one who physically needs a drink, as in will start shaking and trembling every few hours without alcohol. The drinking problem was one who used alcohol to escape from life. Alcohol finally claimed the life of the alcoholic. The other, as life improved, needed alcohol less and less. I've also been around others with alcoholism and drinking problems.

    My take is this. Tough love. Part of me is still mad at my mother for staying with my alcoholic father. I would have dumped him. He obviously loved alcohol more than his family. I don't believe it is a disease. An addiction yes but not a disease. I understand that some may not agree. I do know and have explained to my kids that there can be some susceptibility to alcoholism that is hereditary. They need to be very careful of that.

    Enablers. I see people who have lost their drivers license for DWIs and other people drive them around. Are you kidding? Let them ride the bus or walk. People actually feel bad for them. I totally agree that the person must hit bottom. But when they do YOU can't help them through it. Let them suffer. It is the only way for them to learn. I could write a whole bunch of true stories here but it would be too long. So one story. A women (I knew her 2nd husband) had a great life, a family, money, etc. Her and 1st husband got into coke. She ended up a herion addict. Lost all her family, all the money. Regular rehab and stuff didn't work. Hit bottom and locked herself into a box trailer in a truck stop parking lot. All alone, no bathroom or running water, no window or fresh air. Went through detox in that environment. Very dangerous. Her 2nd husband heard her calling for help. They ended up getting married and she has stayed clean. She needed to hit bottom. Knew what she was doing might kill her but was determined to get clean. I think addicts need to reach that point. Where they will do anything to get & stay clean and lead a healthy life.

    I will be praying for you and your son.

    This post was edited by debrak2008 on Sat, Sep 13, 14 at 10:53

  • Jamie
    9 years ago

    I will pray for you and your DS.

    Here's a perspective I have gained on smoking and overeating, my own particular downfalls.

    I had to quit smoking over and over and over again. Finally, it was just as if I were quitting every day. All that practice and drilling actually grew into one solid mass of days. So although I had several failed attempts, they actually were necessary and useful. After many attempts, it "stuck" permanently.

    (Now we all probably know more former smokers than former drinkers, and so it might seem easier to quit the one than the other, and maybe that's true. But I think the lessons are nonetheless applicable.)

    And, yes, it is very good to have the dieting done and over and to be at a proper weight. But whenever I have eaten well and lightly for a period of time I am better off, even if I fall off the wagon and have to do it again and again. That time on the wagon is worth it and should be appreciated for it's own sake, and not simply measured against permanence. The liver recovers the psychology adjusts, new attitudes and relationships are formed. Some of this makes the next attempt easier, if you let it, rather than beating yourself up over it. Repeat efforts are actually a sign of impending success, if you want to look at it that way, which I choose to do. Failure is when I give up, buy bigger clothes and overeat.

  • Oakley
    9 years ago

    I haven't read the replies yet, but yes, I do know someone who drank much longer than 15 years and recovered nicely.

    An acquaintance is in his 60's, and according to his sister he became ill from drinking about 5 years ago and he was hospitalized. When he finished the physical withdrawals they sent him to rehab for a month.

    I talk to him every now and then about his past drinking, and he loathes alcohol now.

    The thing is, if your son is a heavy drinker like our friend was, he needs to quit ASAP before it's too late. I knew someone who was a heavy drinker, and he started bleeding through the mouth and nose when he was asleep. He died on his bedroom floor. :(

  • cyn427 (z. 7, N. VA)
    9 years ago

    One note about the thought that it isn't all or nothing. Medical and brain studies show that an alcoholic's/addict's brain reacts differently than other people's brains to the substance. There are actual detectable changes in the brain that take place after years of addiction. We were told by medical personnel that it will take about one month of recovery for every year of drinking for the brain to return to its healthy state. That was three years for us. I have noticed some issues that are concerning to me and sometimes worry that some damage can't be healed, but that is not in my power to change.

    I would be very cautious in accepting the idea that an addict can use occasionally and not be drawn in again.

    From personal experience, I can also say that the addict will probably find another addiction of some sort (diet cola, shopping, etc.) and with luck it will be a fairly innocuous one.

    I know some people don't like the idea of AA. We are not religious at all and my DH does not need to have a "higher power" that is divine in nature. One can adjust the program to make it work, I think.

    I also think there needs to be a point or moment when denial cannot be sustained. I do not think threats or horror stories of terrible outcomes in other cases are helpful to anyone (I know you are not doing this, but I also think neither you nor your son are helped by that-you obviously understand the seriousness of the situation all on your own). Back to moment of truth: Ours was in the hospital where they were so solicitous until the blood alcohol test came back. Wow-we were sent out pretty darn quickly and then I had proof of the lying. Had he not agreed to go to the hospital, I think he would be dead now. That result gave me the cold hard facts I needed to say I wasn't going to live like that anymore. I had a couple of dear friends come to talk to him on Saturday morning and our son came as well (one at a time not all ganging up at once). He agreed to go to rehab.

    I never bring up the past. Over and done with. Can't change it, so we live each moment as it comes. Much healthier, I think.

    This post was edited by cyn427 on Sat, Sep 13, 14 at 12:32

  • violetwest
    9 years ago

    incoherent in a Thai jail? That is indeed a terrifying story. I probably would have done the same.

  • polly929
    9 years ago

    My uncle has been sober 39 years. Unfortunately the catalyst for him to get clean was the death of his younger brother (my other uncle) to a heroin overdose and the realization that his own father died from cirrhosis of the liver at 42. My grandmother kept that truth from her children and it only came to light when her son died.

    I wish your son luck and hope he can maintain his sobriety this time.

  • jellytoast
    9 years ago

    Deleted post.

    Mine and others use of the word "enable" seemed to incite the wrath of a few posters, so I have deleted my OPINION in order to avoid having this thread run off the rails.

    All the best to you, sixtyoneono. I hope you find peace that your son finds sobriety.

    This post was edited by jellytoast on Tue, Sep 16, 14 at 19:49

  • sixtyohno
    Original Author
    9 years ago

    Jellytoast-you are not too harsh. I can stay away and do nothing when he is out of control. What I can't do is not think about him and worry.
    Outside playing-those are remarkable, generous kind people and I am so happy that their son recovered.

    We are actually going to dinner with friends and then a movie. We have heard nothing from the rehab, so we assume he is there and hopefully listening.
    I really appreciate all the help I am getting from GW.
    Laura

  • texanjana
    9 years ago

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I do know recovery is possible, as I know many people with many years of sobriety. I also know the absolute heartbreak of having a child with this disease. Our 25 yo son is an alcoholic who has been to rehab mutliple times but still drinks. Before I found Al Anon, his disease drove me to contemplating suicide. I truly believe that Al Anon saved my life and helped me to realize that nothing I did or did not do could compel him to get sober.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers, it is a painful road to walk.

    This post was edited by texanjana on Sat, Sep 13, 14 at 23:05

  • zep516
    9 years ago

    "so we assume he is there and hopefully listening. "

    This is the 5th time, and the message is the same from rehab, go to AA, get a sponsor, work the steps of the program. 90 meetings in 90 days after rehab.

    Half measures availed us nothing...

    I'm recovering 10 years for the second time...

    You have to really want the sobriety.

  • marlene_2007
    9 years ago

    To all of you who are going through this, I am so very, very sorry. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.

    My cousin started shooting heroin at 12 (this was around 1963 or 1964. Her mom put her in every rehab and/or program that there was. She would be ok for awhile and then back on drugs. This went on for decades. She has now been sober for over 20 years. I really don't know what the catalyst was or if there was one. She did contract HIV but I don't think she knew until after she became sober.

    My husband has a friend who was an alcoholic for decades. She has been sober for at least 25 years. She has recently gone through terrible health issues (not related to her past alcohol abuse) and she still remained sober.

    There IS hope.

  • Campanula UK Z8
    9 years ago

    things change. Over 40 years addiction to narcotics (heroin, morphine, then methadone, a brief hiatus with alcohol (but never really been my thing), a couple of years on crack (phew, they were the closest I ever came to complete failure.....but when I found myself spending more money on plkants than drugs, I enrolled into hort.college to learn how to propagate)......but, I also have a first class degree, a doctorate in history and 4 years of horticulture at the RHS (Dip.Hort), 3 grown-up children, all gainfully employed (although youngest had a 2 year ketamine stint a few years ago (grim, and I had to trust or risk being a hypocrite) and they all went through a ravey ectasy period). I have my own gardening business and own 5 acres of woodland I am rehabbing....and still have a regular script for IV methadone...and may be till the end of life. My point, somewhat long-windedly, is - your son is not just his addiction - he is a whole human being and needs luck and love to live a life which may not be perfect but will be without regret or dishonour - it is entirely possible whatever we encounter along the way. Look beyond the drinking - someone must see a possible hopeful future.

  • jan_in_wisconsin
    9 years ago

    Just wanted to say that you're not alone.

    I have learned I cannot control another person; that I can only control myself. The Serenity Prayer is something I keep close in my mind daily.

    That said, you can stop enabling, which is doing something for your son that he can do for himself. You can also start taking care of yourself and enjoying your life more. Try to let go of the outcome of your son's situation. Live well each day, and be kind to yourself. This is not your fault, and you can't fix it.

    The sooner your son becomes uncomfortable with his situation, the more likely he is to make better decisions. I don't believe someone has to hit bottom before change is possible. In fact, the sooner in the addiction process, the better. People can and do recover. Sometimes it takes many attempts. But I'm sure in all cases, the individual must want it and decide to take the steps to do so.

    Don't let your life pass with your days spent worrying and waiting for things to change. Maybe they will and maybe they won't, but you can accept that uncertainty and still live well.

    I know it's hard to let go. I live by the mantra 'Let go, or be dragged!' It's true. I'm sorry for your hurting mommy heart.

    Here is a link that might be useful: Check out the forums here for support

  • sixtyohno
    Original Author
    9 years ago

    Texanjana- I have long given up the idea that I can fix it. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. I have been to Al anon and I understand it. I just get paralyzed with fear and dread to the point that I can't function. I am seeing an addiction counselor and she helps.
    I hope both our sons want to change and they both do it. (((((())))))))))
    Zep516 Thank you for telling me it can be done. I just spoke to him and he says he is committed.

  • runninginplace
    9 years ago

    As so many others have said, this is a heartache that is sadly all too common. For me, it is my sister. I love her dearly and she is a beautiful soul who has battled her alcoholic demons for most of her life. She started drinking abusively when she was 12 YO and is now 46 so that's 30+ years. My dad has paid for multiple rehab stints, and several years ago when she bottomed out badly I went through a series of detox cycles as the primary caregiver.

    What I've learned has been said over and over. I will add that I've come to accept that my own ideal of what a successful life would be: complete abstinence from drinking, leading to finding a compatible mate, buying her own home for future financial security, etc...is probably not ever going to happen. My father tells me he feels if she is able to continue to function well enough to hold a job (she's got a decent though not highly paid govt position) and take care of herself well enough to live independently, that is a successful outcome. I know he is right, but it still hurts my heart to see that she has a well of misery and emotional darkness combined with a physical prediliction which keeps taking her to that place where drinking is her self-medication of choice.

    I've also come to truly accept that I cannot do a single thing to make her live her life without drinking. Knowing that in the end she is the only one who can live her life has been one of the toughest but most important lessons I've ever learned.

  • jellytoast
    9 years ago

    "I don't believe someone has to hit bottom before change is possible."

    Agree with this when referring to the "bottom" as lost everything, in jail, skid row, etc. senarios. "Hitting bottom" is just a way of saying that the individual has reached his or her own personal limit on their downward spiral ... some don't have to go far before they have reached "too far" and others go way beyond that.

  • sixtyohno
    Original Author
    9 years ago

    (((((((runninginplace)))))))) You have tried so hard and now you are accepting her on her terms. It must be so hard.
    DS called last night. He leaves rehab on Wednesday. That's 8 days total allowed by his insurance. I said I would pick him up and drive him home. There is no public transportation where he is and I would have to pay for a car service.
    He has no money and no drivers license. I told him I would be his taxi to his meds person and that's all. I think it is just 1 time a month. I feel firm regarding what I will do and not do, but my anxiety levels are on the roof.
    I hope this is the bottom and it all clicks this time.

  • anele_gw
    9 years ago

    Sixty, I am deeply sorry. One day at a time for him AND for you. Treasure each day he doesn't drink without worrying about tomorrow. Today is all we have.

    I am the adult child of an alcoholic. My dad went to one AA meeting and liked it, but said it wasn't for him. We had an ntervention and it only angered him. He died at the age of 60, but more from not caring for his health in general and bad doctors.

    I know of several people who stopped and never drank again (passed away now). It is possible.

    Someone close to me is dealing with this now with her DH. He's about to lose his wife and child and he won't stop.

    Thanks to all who have shared. It seems so very common. I've already warned my oldest DD that she may likely have the gene and to avoid drinking. I rarely drink and very carefully married someone who drinks rarely as well, though one never knows.

  • jellytoast
    9 years ago

    Deleted

    This post was edited by jellytoast on Tue, Sep 16, 14 at 19:32

  • sixtyohno
    Original Author
    9 years ago

    Thank you Anele. DS is adopted. Both biological parents were drug/alcohol addicted. So we know that if there is a genetic component, that might be part of the problem. But we still hope for recovery.

  • rob333 (zone 7b)
    9 years ago

    My mother has been a recovering addict so long, neither of us remembers the number of years now! I think it's 34 full years and she thinks it's 33, coming up on 34. My sister over a score of years. And my oldest brother even more than she. It does happen. I am not an addict. But out of five us (mom, dad, sis, bro, and me), two aren't and three are. Had my father also been an addict, my chances jump from a 25% chance to a 50% chance.

    It can take many tries, and falling down many times. As long as he keeps getting up, that's all he can do. But don't give up hope! It can happen!!!

  • raee_gw zone 5b-6a Ohio
    9 years ago

    It is possible. One thing that I discovered, not being an alcoholic or drug addict but being one of those women who marry them, is that it will never happen until the addict takes responsibility for his addiction. One ex-spouse finally did and had a successful life; one did not and was dead at the age of 48.

    If he doesn't want to hear about the consequences of his actions and blames you for being "a lousy mother" and "bringing him down" then he is not taking responsibility, he is shifting it to you. They do this in large ways and small. How they feel and cope is always the fault and responsibility of someone or something else, not themselves. They pass guilt and shame off themselves and onto someone else.

    When they take responsibility they don't say "I am an addict because of this" or " I can't stay sober because of that" or "I need this substance because of whatever". or "you/he/she/they are making me feel/do/choose..."

    When they take responsibility they say "I have chosen to drink/drug in my life and I will choose to stop and I will deal with the mess I have made no matter what life experience I have, no matter how any one or anything has treated me, no matter how hard it is, it is MY FAULT and mine alone."

    ( in a way that conflicts with some addiction treatment theory that says addiction is not a matter of fault -- BUT if the addict doesn't stop putting the blame elsewhere, stop seeing themselves as a victim, as they almost invariably do, they don't succeed in maintaining sobriety)

    Best wishes, Raee (aka 60ohNO!too)

  • peony4
    9 years ago

    Wanted to add that the concept of enabling is ridiculous, when you think about it. It assumes one has the power to influence another's addiction, and places blame and responsibility for addiction where it does not belong.

    Sixtyohno, if claiming you're going to stop "enabling" your son frees you from guilt if you decide not to support him, this is fine. Most people who deal with addicts reach a point where enough is enough, and they have to walk away from them. It's certainly understandable for you to do this.

    But if you choose to drive him to help, give him money for meds, and so on, please do so if this gives you peace of mind. You will NOT make him worse. Don't let the ignorant term "enabling" keep you from doing something that brings you some peace and comfort in this whole mess.

    You cannot make his addiction worse by supporting him. Likewise, you will not improve his condition by turning your back on him. Unfortunately, you do not have that kind of power over his addiction.

    Yes, I've known alcoholics who stopped drinking. I've also known a few who've relapsed several times, but ultimately spent more days sober than drunk. In all cases, their success or failure had nothing to do with the actions of others.

    Editing to add my brother is an alcoholic who's been sober most of his adult life. He relapsed once, but recovered. My uncle, on the other hand, couldn't stop drinking and died from liver failure. Both had the love, support, frustration, anxiety, and so on from our family. Why one persevered and the other didn't cannot be explained. But my prayers are that your son eventually finds peace in recovery. Best wishes to both you you.

    This post was edited by peony4 on Tue, Sep 16, 14 at 12:06

  • sixtyohno
    Original Author
    9 years ago

    I do have "enabling" boundaries. I went to Thailand and hauled his sorry a$$ home to keep him out of jail. That was a $10,000 trip after I paid the hospital, hotel, planes etc. If he drives drunk and gets stopped, I won't help. If you have to drink, at least don't drive. I do, and will always make sure he has his meds and if I have to I will get him to medical appointments. This is so hard.
    Today the rehab is asking the insurance company for 5 more days. That means Sunday instead of tomorrow.
    Thank you all for your time and kind thoughts and experiences.
    Laura

  • sixtyohno
    Original Author
    9 years ago

    sorry Double post.

    I do have "enabling" boundaries. I went to Thailand and hauled his sorry a$$ home to keep him out of jail. That was a $10,000 trip after I paid the hospital, hotel, planes etc. If he drives drunk and gets stopped, I won't help. If you have to drink, at least don't drive. I do, and will always make sure he has his meds and if I have to I will get him to medical appointments. This is so hard.
    Today the rehab is asking the insurance company for 5 more days. That means Sunday instead of tomorrow.
    Thank you all for your time and kind thoughts and experiences.
    Laura

    This post was edited by sixtyohno on Tue, Sep 16, 14 at 16:04

  • mtnrdredux_gw
    9 years ago

    I am really glad Peony posted, because this denouncement of "enabling" sticks in my craw.

    I think enabling has been a catchall, overused term.
    Driving someone to and from rehab and medical appointments seems entirely appropriate to me --- as long as the friend or relative wants to help. (And fine if they don't.)

    But to say a Mom is wrong for giving that type of help? I so disagree.

    If you do absolutely nothing for people, leaving them in a desperate situation, then who is there to help them? Other addicts or alcoholics, in a lot of cases. Or, they may be compelled to turn to crime. Or habituate to begging or whatever.

    Like most things in life, it takes judgment to decide what enables bad behavior, and what enables good behavior!

  • DLM2000-GW
    9 years ago

    mtnrdredux - you beat me to it but probably said it more calmly and rationally than I would have, so thank you for saving me from flying off the handle.

    Enabling is not a one size fits all diagnosis and just because a person chooses to bare their soul to an online forum does not mean they should be whipping boy for the enabling police. Been there, done that and being shamed (even if that shaming is unintentional) by the people you are turning to for solace and advice is not only not helpful, it really undermines the person asking for help.

    sixtyohno/Laure - I've been reading since your first post and living/reliving all of this with you. I am truly sorry this is the situation in your life and that your son is experiencing so much trouble finding his way, establishing stability and sobriety. I would have been on that plane to Thailand as well - please don't ever second guess that decision and thankfully it doesn't sound as if you have. I left my home (with my DH's full support) to live 1200 miles away with my son for 2.5 months to keep him alive, deal with legal matters and get him into rehab. Your time in Thailand sounds like a breeze! Not really - sick mom humor - sorry :-/

    Sobriety is possible and I would never give up on that hope but as has been said over and over, it's not yours to attain - he has to do it. You can't travel that path for him but you can travel a parallel path to your own 'recovery' that quite possibly will be more helpful to him than any overt actions you can take. He does need to figure out how to access the things he needs (how to get to his meds person) but immediately post rehab he is not going to have those resources in place. Take him, be his taxi but verbalize your intention - I will take you to the first 2 appointments but you need to find a way to get there after that - and stick to it. You have a legion of moms to lean on.

  • eibren
    9 years ago

    Did he relapse on purpose, or was there a physical trigger?

    I am talking things like mouthwash, cough syrup, etc etc that have alcohol in them. Even flavors such as vanilla have alcohol carriers.

    Many are not mindful of such things, or the need to avoid them.

  • anele_gw
    9 years ago

    "You cannot make his addiction worse by supporting him. Likewise, you will not improve his condition by turning your back on him. Unfortunately, you do not have that kind of power over his addiction. "

    Exactly. Beautifully said. I was angry at my dad a lot those last few years, thinking that perhaps my anger could control him. Of course, it didn't, and now I wish I could have that time back with him and would have just been gentle. It wouldn't have changed things either way, but at least I would have brought some peace and kindness into the life of someone who was deeply sad. I was young, though (he died when I was 13), so what did I know?

  • Bumblebeez SC Zone 7
    9 years ago

    By this point, he should know the triggers, as that is something focused on in any rehab. The basic HALT- hungry, angry, lonely tired are often key triggers.
    Some will say there are no triggers but they are different for everyone and must be recognized in order to cope.

  • sixtyohno
    Original Author
    9 years ago

    Anele, I'm so sorry. It's a roller coaster. You were just a child. And those of us who are not addicted get so angry. It's so easy. JUST SAY NO. Ha! And just when you think it's all ok, it's not. My list of regrets is enormous, but useless.

  • mtnrdredux_gw
    9 years ago

    "I was angry at my dad a lot those last few years, thinking that perhaps my anger could control him. Of course, it didn't, and now I wish I could have that time back with him and would have just been gentle." - Anele

    Anele, that is every touching and thought provoking.

  • sixtyohno
    Original Author
    9 years ago

    dlm2000- It was snowing in NY. I was on a warm sunny beach in Thailand for 9 days, swimming and dining and scared beyond belief. I don't know how you managed 2.5 months. I was frantic and he was toxic from the psycho drugs they gave him in the hospital. He couldn't write, read, walk straight or remember. I didn't know if this was permanent damage.Two days back home in the hospital and he was detoxed from this overdosing and his cognitive abilities came back. But the nightmare continues.
    My thoughts are with you and your son. I hope all is well.
    Laura

  • blfenton
    9 years ago

    "My list of regrets is enormous, but useless." `Well said.

    I try not to let my childhood affect me in my adult life. It definitely made me who I am, there is no avoiding that. I chose, however to live with my Dad's strengths rather than his weaknesses and I do know he loved me. My sister, unfortunately, chooses to live with his weakness, or what she perceives to be his weakness, his drinking. It has made her a very angry person.

    My dad died a number of years ago and so there is no going back.

  • sixtyohno
    Original Author
    9 years ago

    I picked DS up at rehab 2 days ago. He had a rough time which pleases me. The rehab was very regimented. Every second accounted for and one session or lecture every hour. There were many court mandated, formerly incarcerated, heroin addicts in the rehab. They were a tough group. A few were going through the motions because they had to for the courts. DS saw and lived in a whole new frightening world. He says he took it very seriously and never wants to be in that position again. He is aware that his problem is no different than that of his fellow patients. Just the addiction is a different substance and he is not facing jail.
    So now he is back with his really lovely girl friend. But she has no more tolerance and she is fully capable to be on her own. He knows that.
    His job is up in the air. He doesn't know if they will take him back, but he will wait until he has all his out patient commitments lined up before he contacts his boss. His drivers license is suspended until he pays a fine which he can't pay because he is broke. There is public transportation in his town and the outpatient facility is 1/2 mile away.
    So DH and I are not frantic this week. We are realistic and hopeful. Maybe this time.
    Thank you for all your support and giving me a place to scream.
    Laura

  • marlene_2007
    9 years ago

    Laura, you and your family will continue to be in my thoughts.

  • lazydaisynot
    9 years ago

    Laura, I am with you on the rollercoaster. It is a terrifying and isolating existence to be the parent of an addict. My heart goes out to you for doing everything in your power to support your son in his times of crisis. May this be the turning point in your son's path.

  • cyn427 (z. 7, N. VA)
    9 years ago

    Laura, thank you for the update. I have been thinking of you, your DH, and your son so much and will continue to do so.

  • lynndale
    9 years ago

    I have to respond to the "nasty Insurance company" comment since I am the person who would authorize treatment or not. After 5 rehab treatments, your son is well aware of the addiction and recovery concept. I am not saying that he is not entitled to another go at rehab to reintegrate into the recovery concept, but there is no "tincture of time" formula that proves that longer stays result in better outcomes. I'd recommend a short stay in rehab to complete a relapse autopsy followed by sober living, outpatient groups and AA. He needs to surround himself with others who have fought and are fighting this battle. This is just my unsolicited opinion as a licensed psychotherapist and behavioral health utilization manager. I also have a young adult son with mental health issues and know how heartbreaking it is to see your child on a destructive path. Do take care of yourself as well.

  • texanjana
    9 years ago

    Laura-thanks for the update. You and your son have been in my thoughts and prayers.

  • DLM2000-GW
    9 years ago

    Laura I'll continue to be hopeful for your son. Maybe this time is a sentiment shared by many. Remember, it's one day at a time for you, too, so if today is a good day but tomorrow is not, don't wait for another good day to come back and 'talk'. When you need support, ask - weekly, daily, hourly - we're here.

  • sixtyohno
    Original Author
    9 years ago

    Thank you Lynndale- DS stayed in rehab for 13 days. Now is in an out patient 2 nights and AA 5 nights. The insurance company becomes the "bad guy' when you are desperate and think maybe this is the time it will all work and then you are confronted with the fact that it is up to the insurance company if he can stay. Over the last 15 years we paid 2 rehabs that didn't take insurance. They were alternative and lovely looking, in the country, etc. Thirty days and useless, because he wasn't ready. Now I know that DS must want it himself, not because his life is a mess, or he has a dwi, etc. He has to be done and accept and buy into the help. We can only wait and see.

  • 3katz4me
    9 years ago

    I have been following this with great interest as everyone in my immediate family is/was an alcoholic/addict. How I escaped that fate I'll never know but I'm eternally grateful that I did. It's so hard to watch someone destroying their life as a result of addiction. One of my brothers died at age 47 of cirrhosis. My other brother went through treatment about a year ago and it seems he is not currently drinking. He lives out of state so it's hard for me to say. He very nearly died of cirrhosis and I do think he realizes he will die if he has anything at all to drink. I'm not sure how much longer he will live even if he doesn't drink but we have had some nice times together and wonderful conversations about our lives during this time that he's been sober. My mother quit drinking a few years before she died and we too enjoyed several years of wonderful quality time when she was sober - something we'd not done at any other time in my adult life. As someone else said - do enjoy the good times when you can and try not to dwell on what may happen in the future.

  • patty_cakes
    9 years ago

    I tried helping a friend for many years, and got so tangled up with emotion I needed to seek medical help for myself. It literally tore me up! Please try and stay strong, and do get help if you feel you might be 'sinking '. You don't need your physical, mental or emotional health compromised by a grown mans' bad decisions, even though it is your son. Keep *your* needs first!

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