Not if I came up with enough evidence that would suggest no relation...sounds like you may have enough with the religion thing.

I probably wouldn't without more compelling evidence that there was a connection.

As the mother of an adopted son, I would do it in a heartbeat. I know how much my son wanted to find his birth parents and how overjoyed he (and they) were when they connected.

Religions can be changed. If the birth mother's parents were of two different religions, one may have converted to the other's church. It happened in my family, in several different directions.

At the very least, you will eliminate one thread of inquiry for him.

Ultimately, it can't hurt and it might help.

As the mom of two adopted children, I would do it too.

I understand your hesitation being approached by a stranger out of the blue. If indeed things match, what more would be expected of you?

It sounds like you have nothing to lose but a couple cells from a cheek swab. Why would you not do it?

An African-American friend of mine has done this and is coming up with all kinds of distant family links. Fascinating.

I'd do it. What, really, do you have to lose? As others have said, religions can be changed. As far as you know, none of your relatives were RC, but they could have changed in either direction over the years. The man's biological mother could have passed away since 1968. Any number of factors could be at play. You could help him rule in/out a very valuable piece of his biological history. And I do understand your hesitation but if that's all he's asking, and you'd have the information for yourself as well, then why not?

A maybe from me. Depends on the cost, and how asked I guess.

There would be no cost to me. He will send the packet for the cheek swab. I appreciate all your responses. I have nothing to lose, but may help him in his search. At this point I am leaning towards doing the test.

As an avid genealogist, I would do it. While I know birth parents were usually promised anonymity, I believe the child's right to know his/her lineage and, correspondingly, his/her health information, trumps that of the birth parents' rights. Both sides have a right to deny a further relationship; however, the information should be owned by both.

It is also not often an individual has an opportunity to affect a stranger's life so profoundly, with a minor show of kindness, such as this.

Bonnieann925, I'm glad you decided to help him.

I just wanted to respond to Deeinohio's statement "While I know birth parents were usually promised anonymity, I believe the child's right to know his/her lineage and, correspondingly, his/her health information, trumps that of the birth parents' rights."

I agree that the adoptees rights trump all others, but most birth mothers were NOT ever promised anonymity. The anonymity was a construct to keep the adoptive family secret from the birth family, under the premise/fear that the birthmom might change her mind and try to reclaim her child.

Most birthmoms of that generation do not search because of all the beliefs (most erroneous) that their child won't want to know them or be imposed upon, that they no longer have any rights, etc. It's very, very complicated, but there is a great majority of mothers who would be very glad to be found, to know their child is safe, and know about the life they lived, etc.

I hope the man you are helping finds what he is seeking.

I didn't read the answers so as to avoid bias.

This is an interesting ethical dilemma, but here it where I come out: No.

You would be helping someone, but that person is a stranger.

There is a very real chance you could deeply hurt someone at the same time, and that person is a relative, not a stranger.

I would not risk hurting a relative(s) to help a stranger.

I've been in the situation and if DNA could have told me about relatives it would have been wonderful. Most birth parents and adoptees do not intrude and search with respect unless they know it is wanted. As for paperwork, it is never the complete truth. Adoption is complicated and most of the times made even more complicated skewing information. To the point of the biological parents never having a chance to know if their child lived safely and healthy. Nor the child knowing who the are, or why they are.. Agree there are some who wish all remained a secret. But I am for the adoptee and rights available regarding background. There are many ways to do this without intrusion should birth relatives not want contact or information kept silent.

Oilychick is very versed on the histories and outcomes of adoptions.

"I would not risk hurting a relative(s) to help a stranger."

Ah, but this stranger might be a relative.

Good for you! I think you did the right thing.

tina

I'm happy you made the decision you did.

Olychick, I was thinking of when they used to "seal" records partly so the mother wouldn't face the stigma of having birthed an "illegitimate" baby., though it also protected the adoptive parents. The sealing of these records offered a sense of anonymity to these mothers.

Bonniejean, I'm so glad you made the decision you did.

When our son was adopted, his records were sealed until he was 18. Then he, and only he, could decide whether or not he wished to open them. (The laws varied by state.) I believe whole-heartedly that the child's needs, both emotional and medical, trump all others.

I won't give details of who I'm talking about, but someone I know recently found out they had an older full sibling that their parents gave away at birth. This was their first child and they were married at the time. The father is still alive, but will not say a word why they gave their baby away. Not all the younger siblings are accepting of this new found sibling.
That being said, no matter what you do, there will likely be some happy outcome and some sad.
Another family member, such as in your case, gave their DNA which led to these findings.

My husband has done some DNA testing, Autosomal, which is where you match cousins and that is probably what he is asking you to do. The other hubs did was Y testing, trying to find males with the same surname.

One thing you can do to have a little more control over the results is to 1) make sure you have the kit number and that you set up the password. I had ordered kits for two people and paid for them myself. This was so I could see the results but I also included their email addresses so they would get results and match notifications as well. Once I determined if hubs was related to them (one yes, one no), then I had them change the passwords so that I can no longer get into their kit information. Our situation is a little different than yours but again in our case, like yours, these were total strangers who agreed to help us out.
] Be aware that there are sites that the DNA information can be downloaded to sites like gedcom where people that have different companies that test can compare results. This person may then have your information out there for anyone to compare your DNA to theirs. Names are not listed, just your kit number and he would probably put his email address as the contact person. There is an option of not putting email address at all but then that limits possible matches from contacting him/you.

These are questions you should discuss before you do the test. Know if he is having the results sent to him only, you only, or both. If you have them sent only to you, then you can request him sending his to you and you could be the one who sees if there is a match.

The person who hubs did not match still appreciated receiving the information and we still keep in touch. The one who did match has helped confirmed our lines matching back to the GGGF in the late 1700's.

The autosomal testing is not as definite. We get matches all the time but the probability is small. It has helped to find some relatives that we weren't sure of.

Do you know the name of the company and type of test?

My family is active in adoption reunification and confidential searches on behalf of birth parents and adoptees. I know that much of what was written on adoption paperwork (at least in mid-20th century) may not be accurate (names, ages, religion- all of it!).

A dear friend who was adopted has had some health issues recently. She's tried finding her adoptive parents simply for more background information that may be useful in addressing her health issues. The agency her adoptive parents used only provided generic information.

Sure, she's curious about her birth parents. But what's of the utmost importance to her now is maintaining her health for the sake of her children and family. She'd gladly forgo meeting her birth parents if she could only gather their health information to address her needs.

I wish I knew more about DNA testing but this seems like a real stretch - if at best you're only 3rd or 4th cousins then would your results be sufficient to answer his question?

Even siblings don't necessarily share the same DNA unless they're identical twins. I know I tend to be a little skeptical at times but I wouldn't do the testing unless I knew that this would give him a definitive answer.

Here is a link that might be useful: DNA

peony4, your friend can get free help looking for her birth family. Here is a link to a well respected source for finding a "search angel". She should NEVER pay anyone for help; the search angels do it for free and are the most dedicated, passionate group about helping reunite families.

Some states also have opened the records to adoptees so they can get their real birth certificates with their parents' names on it. Many adoptees aren't aware that might be possible, so she should check her state to make sure. Sometimes the court will provide adoptees with their adoption file, when there is a medical need. There is also a group of search angels who specialize in searching for people with critical medical situations. The are called Emergency Medical Locators and you can find them with google.

Good luck to her.

Here is a link that might be useful: Search angel directory.

Justgotabeme,
If that if the Mona Simpson/Steve Jobs story to which you refer, it is fascinating.

To the OP, one thing I never thought of when I posted without reading any others opinions, was you may have already decided!

It's a very tough decision IMHO with no right or wrong answer; hope it works out ok for you!

mtnrdredux this is not Simpson/Jobs case. The sibling just a couple years younger than the sibling that was put up for adoption married a very close family member of mine. The sibling that was adopted had a wonderful life, but wanted to know their roots and found a cousin through a popular website.
I personally think someone should write a book about it.

justgottabeme, there are many situations that you describe where it is known or discovered the baby is NOT the father's child. Perhaps he agreed to marry her (or they were planning on it when she became pregnant by someone else) with the agreement the baby would be surrendered for adoption. Perhaps why he won't speak of it. Lots of possible scenarios...including rape or incest resulting in pregnancy. He may be protecting the mother's private story and memory of her.

I'm very sure there are cases such as you wrote about olychick, but in this case, further DNA was done so they know for sure that this is a full sibling.
The only thing I can think of is the baby may have been the "wrong sex" as the rest of the siblings are of the opposite sex. That is completely my thought, not of those involved. At the time of the adoption they were living far away from family so the pregnancy could have easily been hid from anyone.