Is there something in particular that is making you feel like you need to intervene and determine his activities? I'm not retired so no expert on that but I do know people are very different in their need/desire for a busy social life - retirement or not. DH would be busy doing something with people all the time if he could. I on the other hand can be quite content by myself and could spend days puttering around the house without doing anything with other people. I would find it very annoying to be pressured to do stuff with people when I didn't feel like it. It's kind of like DH who likes to talk to everyone all the time and I often prefer email or text. He keeps telling me to call people instead.

I would let him do what he wants unless there's some compelling reason you need to do otherwise.

I think my DH will handle retirement just like yours. He doesn't have much of a social life (other than couple friends, whom we go out with 99% of the time together...meaning he doesn't see the husbands that much unless the wives are there too) and his one hobby is pretty solitary (photography). The tricky part is that he wants to retire in about 6 years, when he's 58. So that is a lot of years of "nothing," assuming he lives another 20+ years. We do plan to travel, but I have a feeling in between trips, he's going to hang around the house with his face in his iPad or watching TV. I've already told him he needs to do something part-time or occasional consulting or *something*. Also, our friends will not be retiring as early as he will be, so he won't even have guys available to have lunch with or whatever.

I am hoping that my dad will be an example to my DH. He is 78 and works part time as an area coordinator for Meals on Wheels. He works about 4-5 hours a day, then goes to the gym, and does volunteer work at least 2-3 nights a week (he calls the numbers at Bingo, helps with weekly dinners at Elks Lodge, etc. -- he belongs to every club in town!).

It's hard to say. People handle retirement differently. My husband and I both look forward to that time, but we are not wishing our life away waiting for it to get here. I think my husband will retire at 62 or before. Unless the economy hits rock bottom again. ***sigh***

We both have outside interests, friends we like to do things with, elderly family that could use our attention, community work, etc. We also enjoy doing alot of things together - boating, camping, hiking, etc. along with a love of antiquing. My husband is probably not quiet as social as I am, but he would not like being home on his own all the time either. Right now, I still like the social aspect of working. My husband also does contract work in conjunction with his job and will probably do some of that once he retires. He has a home workshop with the equipment and enjoys it. It would give him something else to do, bring in some extra $$$ and I do think being occupied, etc. helps to keep you young. I have known people who retire and are not happy - or perhaps satisfied is a better word.

I do think thinking about it ahead of time and having some idea of what you want to do with your time is a good idea.

tina

My husband retired 4 years ago, and it has been a bit difficult -for ME, not him! He's a more solitary creature than I am, and also loves routine. I need to be with people occasionally, and I like surprise and variation in my days. This difference between us has never been as big a problem as it has become these days. I am finding my way around it, but it's been a very big adjustment. I work part-time (teaching and tutoring). He took over the grocery shopping, which I very much appreciate, but four years later, I have to just accept that he will always do it differently than I would. If it's not on the list, he doesn't buy it. DD and I don't like to eat exactly the same thing every week (go figure) -and when I shopped, I'd look around and see, say frozen crab cakes, think, "Oh that would be a good dinner", and pick them up. That will never happen with DH. So I let him do the basic grocery shopping and I make a stop or two a week to find some special things. Same thing with cooking. If I'm tutoring into the dinner hour, he has to prepare dinner. It's always excruciatingly simple, certainly doesn't include a recipe... I can get very frustrated by this (he has plenty of time, why doesn't he prepare a few fantastic dinners?!?!?), or I can accept that we are different people....

I've had to accept that we're just different. I'm kind of a constant learner, always looking for inspiration and adventure. He is more of a plodder I guess. There are strengths in both styles. He always planned to have a garden once he retired. So he planted one, but as challenges came up (pests, droughts, unknown problems) he just abandoned the effort rather than diving into it. Again, I can get mightily frustrated with this, or I can accept that we're different people.

He does volunteer one day a week (thank GOD!), and he spends most of his days outside. So when he's here, he's not underfoot.

I've made a bit of progress with him recently trying to get him a bit out of his every day rut, to go kayaking with me one day, etc. I suspect we'll have another adjustment when DD leaves the nest in a year. I'll feel like we have nothing keeping us home day-to-day, but I've come to realize that that is really his preference, and the excuses he's made all along are just that. We may have to live slightly separate lives, and I think that'll be okay.

No, Gibby, I'm not actually seeing any indication that things will go bad for him if he continues in his homey, solo way.

It just seems that that everything I read says you're supposed to reinvent yourself, etc. I guess I feel responsible for sharing my thoughts and insight with him. Even though they seem not to take root, I somehow manage to feel worried or guilty about him.

I can see myself making a very drastic change of life when I retire, such as dedicating myself and a lot of our resources to a charitable purpose. He's so compliant, he might just go along with me. I guess I feel responsible for him. Is it fair of me to make a big change, knowing that he's happy the way things are but that he could adjust to many other things, too, after initially putting up a big fight?

Part of me says "He's not doing anything anyway, so it's ok to commit him (as I commit myself) to an other-centered purpose". But that's probably not correct thinking - or is it? I know he would adjust and settle into contentedness. He always, always does. The transition part is really hard, though.

I so often have the sense that he's waiting, waiting... for me to do something?

I suppose I should be on the retirement forum.

oops duplicate

This post was edited by jamies on Mon, Aug 26, 13 at 15:04

Jamies, I understand your concern. But, you are looking at your husband from your perspective, and not his. You say he is a homebody. Now that he has extra time, that isn't going to change. He's not all of a sudden going to have an active social life when he did not have one before.
My DH has be "retired" for ten years now. I put that in quotes because he keeps very busy with real estate property that we have accrued over the years. He also likes to keep fit and actually enjoys running and going to the gym.
I have a part time job that I really like. DH is pushing me to stop working, as he feels it limits us in being able to be spontaneous.
I am concerned about not working. My job is fun and very social. I am not sure how I will fill up all the hours.
I agree with Gibby, if your DH seems fine, I would let it go.

DH retired 13 years ago, I retired 3 years ago. He is faithful about going to the gym 2 hrs/day, 5 days/week and that is his social life. As a result of his contacts we have used people he's met there: accountant, realtor, real estate lawyer, remodeler, car detailer...

As far as the rest of a social life, he relies on me to schedule dinners and get togethers both with his friends and family and with mine. It's been a good balance.

But generally I think women are better at maintaining a social life than men, unless they have a social hobby like golfing or bridge. I have a lot of social engagements with my GFs for which he has no counterpart....

I think he's comfortable with himself and his routine, and if it's not interfering in your life, 'let sweepings dogs lie' . I know a woman who can't do a thing w/o her DH wanting to 'just tag along' , and she has to lie to get a few minutes away by herself. Be thankful he does't rely on you to plan his days.

My DH had retirement forced on him a couple of years ago and I made it very clear that I was not going to be his hobby. But he got involved in a variety of volunteer organizations and has kept busy. He is though, looking to go back to work because he misses it.

But if your Dh is happy puttering about the house I would leave him be. As long as he doesn't mind if you have your own social outlets I would leave it. When you retire there might need to be some adjustments made and by that time he may be ready for some light socializing as well.

It sounds like your husband is an introvert. My oldest dd and I are too. My dh and youngest dd are extroverts.

My older dd is a Columbia university grad and a successful principal of one of the highest performing high schools in Chicago. I was rather successful in my pre-twin life as well. We are both well adjusted and neither of us are depressed.

We are just the first ones to leave the party or to come up with an excuse to not go in the first place. We renew ourselves through solitude. My dh hasn't been able to change me yet. Your dh may never be a "joiner". If he is happy, I wouldn't try to change him.

I'm also wondering if this is partly a function of partners coming from completely different perspectives. I get the sense that several of these posts are from SAH wives of men who have been working for a long time outside the home. Like it or not most folks get social interaction working a job.

OTOH, as a SAH wife, I suspect one must expend more efforts to be social, see other people etc. Not that being SAH means being at home all the time of course. But it does usually mean a different rhythm of interactions at least in terms of not having a daily requirement of going somewhere for the majority of waking hours during which you are required to be around other people.

I have increasingly been thinking about retirement in a few years, and about the benefits of no longer having to be engaged actively with others on an hourly/daily/weekly/monthly/yearly basis. I haven't had to seek that out, it's part of my job. Which I've thoroughly enjoyed, by the way. But the idea of, as my father said when he retired, getting up every day knowing that my time is mine to do as I wish is a powerful and very alluring prospect

So speaking for myself, after almost 40 years of steady employment, I think stepping away from the requirement of being social and active every day sounds pretty darn pleasant :). Obviously some have a very tough time with this transition, and if a person is miserable sitting home alone that's certainly an issue.

But if one gets to the point in his/her life where there is enough money and time NOT to have to be 'on' every single working day, that doesn't necessarily seem like something that needs fixing. Finding outlets is a good idea. But what seems important to a person who has been at home for decades and who has had to try to get that social interaction may not match what the person who's been more out in the world needs or wants.

Just my opinion and as always, worth what you paid for it!
Ann

Ann,

I did step away after I had my twins in my 40s after years of steady and often stressful employment. They are in school now and I have to say I thoroughly enjoy not being "on" all of the time and my time being my own. I do find it pretty darn pleasant most of the time.

I think you will enjoy retirement :-)

I enjoyed your post.

Thanks Red. One of the reasons I enjoy discussions on this forum is to hear about others' experiences. I *think* retirement sounds great, but of course never having experienced it I can't really *know*.

My husband does remind me when we discuss it that almost all my social interactions and positive feedback are tied to my career. He warns me that I'd better have something lined up to do! He's fortunate in that he has a volunteer passion that keeps him engaged and from which he derives a lot of positive feedback and enthusiasm for his efforts. When the time comes, he will walk away from his "real" job without a backward glance because he can then do his volunteer work fulltime. In fact he is clear that the good salary he earns is the only thing keeping him plugging away.

I need to make an appointment with a financial planner recommended to us because I'm trying to build a general timeline of when I would like to be financially ready to retire. Guess I should also start thinking about a mental timeline and about what comes next.

Ann

I worked long hours outside the home and am now working part time in the home. My work is not very social; any friendships I make at the workplace have to be groomed outside of the place.

I was hoping to get a long view of the potentially 20+ years of retirement that a healthy person might experience. That's a long time! It seems there is room for change and growth in there, and I'm wondering how it "goes". One couple I know cycled for the first 15 years and are now in an assisted living type place. Other people are totally absorbed in grandchildren, but phase 2, when these kids are all grown, brings what?

I guess I can see my husband in happy self-renewal mode for 20 years without participating in any organization or group.

So now I have to figure out where that leaves me.

My mom has been "retired" for about 16 years. She and my dad had us later in life. She is 81. My dad died when I was 13, so she has been flying solo for awhile (a different situation than yours).

My mom is extremely active. Even though she has a lot of grandchildren between just my sister and me, she does not spend very much time on them. She would always help if we asked, but we avoid asking. For awhile after she retired, she went back to work, but as a professor (for the first time). That kept her busy. Eventually, she ended that, but moved into of volunteer work, including groups she has initiated/created vs. joined. Her interests lean towards social justice and education, and both of these keep her out and about.

Since she is healthy and active (knock on wood!) people who are both younger/older than she somehow seek her out to help them. She took care of an elderly neighbor for years, and once she passed away, began helping a younger (but ill) friend more. There is always someone waiting in the wings!

My sister and I sometimes wish she'd do something "normal" like gardening instead of weekly protests, but that just wouldn't be her . . .

I think retirement can be anything you want it to be. The big issue is health. If you are able to maintain your health and that of your husband's, the sky is the limit.

Of people I can think of who have retired it runs the gamut from introvert homebody who watches TV, reads books and sees family to people who play golf, tennis, entertain, maintain and spend time at multiple homes, travel, go fishing,etc. I also know people who have "retired" from their career to management of their rental properties. And I know people who were self employed and never really retired but just cut down their hours to however much they wanted to work. It's nice if people can choose to do whatever they enjoy in retirement rather than what they have to do to make a living. I think the ability to do that depends not only on health but also on finances.

I retired from nursing in late 2004 to take care of my Mom who was living with us. She had been dx with Lymphoma and needed more care and I was also tired of working full time. I immediately started working in DS1's restaurant as the full-time dishwasher. A job which I never imagined I would love so much or would be SO hard. I eventually moved up to hostess , Mom passed away in 2005 and I ended up working a total of 5 yrs for DS1.

I started bicycle touring in 2010 with friends just as DH retired after 31 yrs as a professor. He has always played piano professionally and was doing so all the time I was at DS1's restaurant...DH played there as well as other places. I rode away without him for 2 months at a time for 2010 and 2011 and then for 5 weeks in 2012.

We have always gone to the gym together and DH has always played his music. Now the bicycle touring bug has bitten DH so we just got word that the tour from Vienna to Nantes in 2014 for 45 days is a go. We will be doing that together !

I am now baking more than ever for our local farmer's market. It has really taken off ! DH is making his pasta to sell also. We are in the kitchen together which works as well now as it has for our 42 years together.

We are very different people in some ways and very much alike in others. We each have decidedly different hobbies and share some too. We each are content not to speak for a whole day and then join up at dinner and share our thoughts .

Retirement has been wonderful for both of us. We are busier than ever and have more plans than time ! It is definitely dependent on money as Gibby said and health.Our crystal balls don't work all that great so rather than try and guess how things will be in the future we both try to live each day the best we can and hope that we fill it with love and joy and contentment . Whatever life brings I hope that I won't have a lot of regrets about not having done what I wanted to do. I know DH feels the same.

Very interesting thread and it really is a feature of different personalities dealing with the time of retirement in different ways. It never hurts to start early thinking about it. c