I've decided on a nightclub with a decided Cuban vibe, because I want to be surrounded by the music that I love most. We'll have a group of tables reserved and will have the party late afternoon/early evening so it's more of a happy hour than anything. We may have some appetizers on the tables and will probably have a birthday cake. Here are my questions re proper etiquette:

1. I would like for guests to buy their own drinks at the bar. Does this need to be made clear in my invitation? If so, how on earth does one say, "You're on your own for drinks." ... " I may be overthinking this, and it's probably a given for most of my friends, but I just want to be sure.

2. I would like for attendees to bring a gently used article of clothing to be donated to a women's shelter in lieu of a birthday gift for me. I fully realize that even implying that the request is in lieu of a gift suggests that I may have expected a gift, but I think this would be a good way to do something nice for someone else. Of course, nobody is obligated to participate - but I know my friends, and they all have bulging closets that need to be cleaned out. Would a request for a gently used pair of blue jeans to donate be out of line? We may have covered this in a related thread awhile back in this forum, but I'm not recalling the outcome. I'm old now and the memory is shot. ;-)

I'm afraid Miss Manners doesn't allow much to be stated on the invitation except, who, what and where. I think that's a shame, especially in the case of donations. If these are mostly good friends and relatives, I think I'd skip the invites and either email them or give them a call. Explain your intentions in a more casual manner.

Jan

"soft drinks and water will be provided at the tables but drinks may be purchased at the bar ...."

Just a thought ...

Thanks!

I would do whatever seems best. I'm not sure too many know the difference and even those that do are so jaded by now that almost anything goes. Either way, you are not asking for anything for yourself, that is the thought that will be conveyed and is most important.

As far as the bar, I wouldn't mention it. Those that want will find out.

I prefer "no host bar"

Isn't that the truth.

Have fun celebrating at your soiree, Sunny! I'm right behind you two months later with the big 5-0!

I would also make sure there are plenty of snacks. That's the time of day people get pretty hungry, unless they plan on going out to dinner afterwards.

My 50th was lovely. I was bedridden until my hysterectomy the following morning. lol.

But I do remember buying myself a very large bakery cake when the boys were little for my birthday. I had it decorated in G.I. Joe stuff. My boy's loved it!

You have permission to throw your own party, but you must provide all food and all drinks appropriate to the venue. And while I am being a total wet blanket, skip the used clothing idea as well. I would rather see something like this on the invite, "Please, please, please no gifts. If you must, please sent donations to X charity . . ."

Has anyone here ever been invited to a birthday party where you are asked to buy your own food and drink?

I have not. And I wonder how I would respond to such an invitation.

I think the invite might be better accepted if it came from your husband or a close friend.

Sunny, is there anyway a close friend of yours might send out word that; "our Happy Hour on (date) get together will be to celebrate Sunny's 50th Birthday!"

Ml

Please join us as we celebrate [Sunny's] BIG 5-0 with a happy hour at [Club Name)!

[Club website]

Snacks, birthday cake, non-alcoholic drinks will be served. Cash bar available.

ABSOLUTELY NO GIFTS - BUT, if you are so inclined, please bring an article of gently used clothing to be donated to the Presbyterian Night Shelter.

Evite to be sent under my husband's name.

Still planning to suggest a clothing donation to the night shelter. This is a very worthy cause that many of my friends are already familiar with.

Maybe it's a regional thing. But if I were inviting friends to a club or restaurant and calling it a birthday party, I would assume that I'd be footing the bill. And in fact, I did just that last year around this time for DH's birthday. On the other hand, another friend just had his 50th at a bar -- they rented out the whole place (it's small) for the night -- and no food was provided, and there was a particular beer on tap that was 'free' but if you wanted anything else, you had to pay for it yourself. Oh, they did have a cake, though. I was actually surprised in that case because the invitations did NOT say anything about a cash bar.

I have no problem with asking friends to bring a clothing donation, as long as it's optional. We had a holiday party once and asked everyone to bring canned goods for our local food pantry, and pretty much everyone brought a few things and thought it was a great idea.

Happy birthday!!

As far as a special event...can't think of anything that would include DH (my first thought was 'spa day' -- well, I guess some guys might be into that) but will think about it. Or how about buying a piece of art? Make a day out of gallery hopping, lunch, etc.? Or an overnight at a swanky hotel with a fabulous dinner, room service breakfast, etc.?

My dear friend flew in from a distant state, and stayed at my house. On the appointed day, we showed up at the nice restaurant the Birthday Girl had selected, some distance from my house. Dishes had been previously selected, and appetizers were on the table. We were very impressed by the lovely venue and the spread. We selected our own beverages, but the rest just flowed from the kitchen, all selected by the Birthday Girl.

At the conclusion of the festivities, the Birthday Girl thanked us all for treating her to the lovely luncheon, and the guests (about 20 women) reached for their wallets. My dear friend and I were aghast! We laugh about it to this day--and gently decline all invitations to any parties "hosted" by our former roommate!

That being said, it sounds like your friends are casual people and it is all going to work out--I hope you have a very Happy 50th Birthday.

I have never heard the term "no host bar" but that term doesn't negate the fact that the host is not willing to pick up the bar tab--which is not necessarily a bad thing, depending on the kinds of friends one has.

With the litigious society we have, it's not necessarily a bad thing not to pay for excessive alcohol consumption.

I say provide the drinks you want--soft drinks, wine, beer, and if someone wants hard liquor than can take care of that themselves.

But to specify "cash bar" on an invitation always makes me think people are cheap; I think it's better not to mention it.

One can phrase it any way or explain about how a group understands it any way you please...but it still isn't considered a polite or correct way to host a gathering. Sorry to be a stickler, but there just isn't any way around it.

And since I'm already the skunk at the picnic, you can't say anything about gifts/donations/etc either. It is rude because you are then assuming and expecting that people will bring gifts and that is not polite. Period.

It might help to substitute "wedding" for "birthday party" in the little item below. Here's a Q&A that covers it well:

*****
Question

My daughter's wedding will be small. The wedding reception will be held at a nearby hotel/restaurant. She and her fiance do not plan to pay their guests' costs. I don't know what to think. A quick survey at my office found people thinking it was odd, if not rude. If you think it is acceptable for guests to pay, how is that worded in an invitation?

Answer

Yikes! The simple rule is: you invite, you pay. It just may come across as: "Hey, come and witness our wedding and don't forget your wallets, because you are paying for the reception." And, sorry. There is no polite way to word this on an invitation. Please help your daughter understand how this will affect her guests and how it may be viewed.
*****

Make sure you get the tiara, SunnyCottage! (I just realized who you are, I am SLOW!)

I don't really have any opinion on anyone's plans, as presumably they wouldn't make them if their friends would be horrified by the proceedings. My SIL gives herself a birthday party every year at her own house, with wonderful wonderful food and drink, and EXPECTS everyone to bring her a present, which she sits and opens in front of everyone. I think that is a little weird and my mother thinks it is so strange she won't go, but it's the norm in SIL's cohort and they all really enjoy it..

We were invited to the 50th birthday of one of DHs colleagues. Very fancy invitation, held at a fab hotel in Bel Aire, live band, open bar, dinner, etc......cost, $50 per person. I wasn't sure when I looked at the invitation. In fact I almost called the hostess (his wife) to ask her if that was a TYPO. Heard from friends later that it was a great party, but no typo--- those people paid for it! I would rather be invited for hot dogs in a tent than that sort of shindig, where the guests pay for the band and entertainment--- that situation is much closer to runninginplace's scenario than the proposed happy hour gtg, IMO.

And that is all I know about grown up birthday parties. A few years DH had a big one and our kids were all away at schools and I surprised him with a long weekend in Paris..... We need to do that again :-)

Best of all Good Wishes!!! -- I know for a fact that you will be the prettiest gal there! :)

Cheers!

Last year my daughters arranged a surprise party for me at a restaurant and they did have food, but a cash bar. They DID tell people I didn't want gifts, but people brought them anyway. From what I understand, most seemed to be a bit surprised that there was food, I think most figured they'd be buying their dinners with cake provided.

I wouldn't compare this event to a wedding...it sounds like it's going to be a blast. Have a glass of Sangria for me!!

Funny you mentioned hot air balloon...I was just looking in to it for us for a fun activity...shoot, we could go away to a B&B for a weekend for what the 3 hour event would cost! How about a couples massage? Or facials? That's really kind of fun, actually.

Honestly if it were me, I would've probably kept it casual and just talked or emailed them but an invite is kind of fun.

If I were coming to your party I wouldn't expect you to foot my bill and none of my friends would either. And it's not like you're asking them to do something crazy elaborate like fly to xyz and go here and there, etc. If it were something any of us felt was more than we wanted to spend, we'd all just be honest about whether we could or would follow through with the idea.

IMO, the example here doesn't compare to a wedding.

I hope you have a great 50th birthday!

As for the gift thing I would also not mention it, but if somebody asks you what you'd like then I would say what your wish is. I'm sure your friends will talk amongst themselves and the word will spread.

tina

I can't see where this is ok anywhere. I haven't thrown parties in 3 years since hubs cancer because we can't afford to host- period. No Bar-B-Q; no please bring a dish. I also think it's tacky to do at weddings. I went to one wedding like this & did not bring money except what was already in the gift envelope. Had I known I had to buy my own drinks; I would have adjusted their gift.. I don't really drink; but it's nice to be able to have 1 or 2 spread out over a few hours but not if I'm paying my own.

This is why weddings have gotten out of hand.. Back in my day we had so much money & rented a hall & provided everything that we could afford; not where can we go with this much money & let everyone else foot their part of the bill; yet the bride wears a wedding gown that could have paid for the drinks.

I think I have decided to do away with my suggestion for a clothing donation though. I can just as easily make a donation quietly on my own - no need to throw that into the mix during happy hour!

The parties I give are usually church type of things where everyone is invited and those close to me will ask how they can help. I may or may not choose the help.
I guess everybody entertains differently.

I've always declined invites to birthday bashes where I had to pay my own way. The only way I'd do it is if family only were getting together.

I also doubt Miss Manners would agree with this.

I actually like the clothing idea & would verbally tell them that you'd like to do this for your 50th.

Your friends are going to be excited to be there and HAPPY to buy their own drinks!

Perhaps I shouldn't have asked "What Would Ms. Manners Do?" in my subject line. You're right - I really don't care what she would do ... I was seeking thoughts on how to best phrase the invitation for the type of event that I am planning.

I'm a bit surprised that some of you seem to think this is such a terrible idea - that I'll appear cheap. We are all very low key people, so I have no qualms about proceeding as planned. I'm not going to pretend it's a surprise party, because it isn't. It is what it is (to quote a ridiculous but oft-appropriate phrase), and I know it will be alright by everyone or I wouldn't be doing it. We'll have fun eating birthday cake and drinking sangria and will probably end up dancing on a table or two. Maybe that sounds a bit redneck to some; to me, it sound like fun! ;-)

Thanks for the input!

BTW - you can send my evite by contacting me on My Page ;)

On the used clothing idea -- A friend of mine recently hosted a great 'Clean your Closets' party that I'd like to suggest you consider. She strung up some clotheslines and set out some big folding tables, and invited all her girlfriends to clean out their closets and bring the stuff they no longer wore to her house for a 'swap then donate' party. All the attendees got 'dibs' on the items first, then everything else was donated to our local women's shelter.

It was a lot of fun, and only about 5% of the stuff - maybe even less - got re-homed. It felt SO GOOD to have cleaned-out closets that we all got pretty picky about what got admitted back in... (And I came home with some great stuff that I really wear.)

I'm suggesting a separate event because it really did take up a lot of space, and cleaning your closets is so much more satisfying than just digging out a single item.

I do think the article of clothing can be left out though. But that's just me. For some reason I've never liked, "In lieu of a gift, you can donate ABC to XYZ." Unless it was a funeral and flowers are going to be replaced for a charity. I find having to donate to be a bit impersonal.

I'd much rather buy a little gift for the recipient.

Impersonal to donate? You are helping someone who really has a need!

tina

I love the Closet Cleaning idea, but what do you do if at least one in your group is considerably larger than the rest? Wouldn't she feel excluded?

Patty, have you never been to a potluck before, or had one? They're not "dinner parties." Dinner parties are more of a semi-formal affair where everyone sits around a table. Potlucks are casual and people sit anywhere they want. Indoors, outdoors, wherever. And they serve themselves. They're a lot of fun!

We received a few presents anyway, but lots of $$ went to a local non-profit that we both care deeply about. IMO making a donation instead of a gift is not impersonal in any way, shape or form, rather, making a charitable gift in someone's name is *highly* personal and an honor, regardless if it's a cash donation, a gently used item of clothing, an hour of volunteer time or anything in between.

sandyponder

Sandyponder, I agree with you about charitable contributions as gifts. One of the most thoughtful things ever done for me was when a longtime friend made a donation to our local public library in memory of my grandmother shortly after she passed. She had been a librarian and instilled in me a lifelong love of reading. I was so touched that someone chose to honor her in a way that would keep her memory alive, if only in books or supplies for the library. She would have loved it too!

Sunny - I thought the same thing earlier this year. My mom has been gone two years next month. The son of a good friend of my mom's did not hear of her death until later, and he had been out of touch with our family. A few months ago we received a card telling of a donation he had made in mom's honor. She would have been thrilled!

tina

i think it's very appropriate to ask for 'presence not presents'!!! and, i love the idea of asking for clothing donations to a local shelter!!! i think that's a wonderful gift to you---being able to deliver a load of nice donations!!
i've been to several christmas parties thru the years which have requested donations of hats/mittens,etc,etc to go to a shelter or a church's gift tree instead of customary hostess gifts. i think it's a really great thing to do and can be much more meaningful than receiving alot of trinkets!!!

We also brought accessories and jewelry, so there was something for everyone -- And lots of things are kinda 'one size'. Or do you have only one larger friend?

Well, of course not. Makes sense to bring accessories as well - sorry that I didn't understand that from your original description of the event. Sounds like a good time, and indeed a very productive way to clean out a closet or two. I can envision this working with home decor, kitchen items, all sorts of things!

Enjoy your party SunnyCottage and Happy Birthday early! :)