How it went - Wedding and funeral

10 years ago

Again, I want to thank every thoughtful, gracious person who took the time to respond and acknowledge my grief in my other posting. Normally, I like to recognize every single person, but I just can't right now. I will say there were a couple of posts which particularly helped me, but every one of them helped me get through a difficult day.

I wanted to let everyone know how it went. I am glad I went. Like Annie said in the other thread, it was a distraction and allowed me at brief intervals to forget. Unfortunately, I am going to have to try very hard to get over the bride's behavior. I won't go into a lot of details, but first was her lack of even mentioning our loss to us, even to my brother, her new father-in-law. But, there were other, much more egregious issues, some from ignorance, most from self-involvement.

As for the funeral, my father would have been pleased. It was all the comfort one hopes for in their grief.

The most comfort, however, came the following day. During the viewing hours, we had a DVD of his life, with the very old song he used to sing to me as a little girl running on a loop. It's a bluegrass song, but it is "him". I always imagined that the song would be too painful to hear after he passed, but it wasn't. So, the next day, DH and my brother were cleaning out his room at the assisted living while I visited with my mother in the Alzheimer's section. The Director was doing activities with the residents--reading the newspaper, talking about the weather, etc--when she said "Let's sing some songs. What song do you want to sing?" One of the residents shouted out the name of my Dad's song immediately, and they started to sing.That was the only song any resident requested, though they sang several more. I am not religious, but I will always believe my Dad was there watching over my mother, and letting me know he loved me.

Thank you all so much,
Dee

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Comments (12)

fourkids4us
10 years ago
Dee, I missed your other thread and only saw it just now. I'm so sorry to learn of your father's passing. I'm also sorry that the bride behaved in such a self-centered way.

However, it sounds like you received great comfort during and after your father's funeral. What a special way to remember him and feel his love and presence with you that day.
pammyfay
10 years ago
I'm glad you found a way to smile! He's certainly watching over all of you.
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DLM2000-GW
10 years ago
That sing-a-long will be a treasured memory always.

As difficult as it may be, I'm sure in time you will put the difficulties with the bride into a small place in your memories where they belong. Ignorance and self involvement don't surprise me as I'm sure she's young. It's just unfortunate that she was unable to muster a few words to you.
cyn427 (z. 7, N. VA)
10 years ago
I love your song story! DLM is right that it will be a treasured memory.

I would also be gentle with the bride. Often, it is hard to know just what to say when grief is so raw and close. It is especially difficult for young folks who usually have little experience with death. Once she is older, she may often think of her wedding day and wish she had had the right words (or any words) for you that day.

Also, do be gentle with yourself. You will certainly find yourself surprised at how some little seemingly unconnected thing will have you tearing up or smiling with memories of your dad. It has been years for me and it still happens. And that is okay.
blfenton
10 years ago
I was thinking about you this week and wondering how you were doing. I'm glad that the funeral and that the singing activity at the assisted living helped bring you some peace and that your Dad would have been pleases.

As for the wedding -weddings are fraught with emotion at the best of times. As others have mentioned, take those incidents with a grain of salt, excuse them perhaps with some ignorance(unintended, hopefully) and the self-centeredness of bridal youth and tuck them away. The bride had the obligations of her parents, bridal party and guests and was probably already frazzled and perhaps just didn't know how to handle the rest.

Don't be hard on yourself or others. It is a difficult situation all around. Take care of yourself - it's all you can do.

Thinking of you. (((hugs)))
tinam61
10 years ago
I'm sorry I also missed your other thread. So sorry to hear of your loss. Your story is so sweet about the assisted living center! Yes, what a sign from your father.

I'll have to read your other thread to learn about the wedding.

tina
maddielee
10 years ago
It sounds like you are doing well. Keep in mind that there may come times when the emotions will come rushing back.

..about the bride. Everyone handles death differently. She may have not known exactly what to say so she said nothing at all. And there is always a chance that the new groom suggested to the bride that he would save his grieving til after the wedding. I can understand wanting to try to keep the 2 events seperate.

ML
golddust
10 years ago
There is a very unique beauty to death. I'm glad you found it. (((hugs)))
teacats
10 years ago
Also sending along my deepest sympathies for your loss -- and a hug and a thought to think gently of the bride and the wedding. Time will tell about the whole incident ...

Breathe, breathe and breathe deeply again ....
Annie Deighnaugh
10 years ago
Thank you for filling us in and it sounds like you had a few unexpected gifts along the way, like that song, that kept your heart open. Tragedies always seem to bring unexpected gifts with them. Sending you thoughts of comfort.
neetsiepie
10 years ago
The loss of a loved one can bring about such a wide array of emotions from everyone. Grief has no set method.

It just occurred to me today that I have not grieved my MILs passing. I was in the throes of pain and sick about my BILs new (horrible) wife, plus a lot of other emotional issues-and I just compartmentalized her loss. I amy break down one day, or I might accept her peace. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So you may surprise yourself and find that you no longer feel sad over losing your dear father-or you might be down for weeks yet. Its all normal.

Im just glad that there was the singing...a very special tribute, even if some did not recognize how significant it was to you.

As to the bride...well, some people's children...
yayagal
10 years ago
I too love the song story, moments like that are what I call God-incidences not co-incidinces. I'm glad you went too.