As the mother of 2 college aged daughters and a RN, I have some input into this topic. My one daughter is over six feet tall and lanky, athletic, eats a not very well balanced diet, blessed with "good" genes. I was much like her as a young adult. My other daughter is 5'10" (the runt of the family as she says!) and carries a little extra weight. She does not have the best self esteem and the added weight (size 16-18) doesn't help with her body image.

I have addressed it with her as it not being so much of a problem now, but setting you up for a much bigger problem in the future. We have talked about weight I have gained as a adult and how I am not the tall lanky person I was at her age. Have also talked about how much easier it is to maintain control versus battling to lose weight gained. We have recently made dietary changes and each lost 25 pounds. It is amazing to see the change in her. Smiling, willing to go shopping, holding her head up high.

As a OB RN, it concerns me that the new norm for weight gain in pregnancy is 70 pounds. The extra weight is not lost and then they get pregnant again. Many of our patients are over 300# and we consider 225# as thin at work. How sad is this?

"I am really struck by how many people think a parent should say nothing to a child whose behavior is clearly self destructive--- particularly if a person is gaining 50 pounds in a single year! Let's substitute "eating" with "smoking"....how many would tiptoe around that issue?
Surely there is something one can think of to say that falls somewhere in between fake declarations of "you are perfect just the way you are" and hurtful, obvious statements like "you are fat."

Amen to what kwsl says. This is why many of the college age students I see are so clueless about how to eat. I don't know why the topic is taboo. Yes, eating disorders are very serious, but even if you don't say a word about "healthy eating" to your kids don't you think they feel the pressure from their friends and classmates. In fact, I think (purely anecdotal) arming them with knowledge about healthy habits can help protect them against outside pressures. I agree that any talk needs to be "health" focused and not "weight loss" focused.

I'll also agree with ellendi, you can't exercise away a bad diet, it catches up with you. I tell people to focus on exercise for all of the great benefits it offers, but weight loss shouldn't be one of them. Especially as you get older, exercise for your heart, your muscles, your bones, your mood, your stress level, etc. Don't exercise to lose weight or you will quickly get frustrated and stop if that is the only reason you are doing it.

(kitschyKitch - I feel you).

Deeee - I love your idea of tying the discussion into all of the things that she will need to know as she branches out on her own. I am sure she saw the things that her sibling struggled with and would like to leave your house armed and ready!

Go to the center for science in the public interest web site and order their nutrition action letter. Leave it in places she will most likely read it, like the bathroom.

I especially enjoy their back cover which includes a panel on the right stuff and another on food porn.

Here is a link that might be useful: Nutrition action

If my daughter would smoke legally, I would absolutely not allow it in my house or enable, but ultimately she would do what she wants to do. We can't control anyone (I've tried!). In cases of the 1000 lb people, someone is enabling this, but it doesn't sound like the case of the OP.

kitschy, you can tell me I'm wrong, but I don't appreciate the implication that I'm being dishonest. I am not backtracking. My point in bringing up access to resources like a trainer, info, and genetics, etc. was that those were part of suggestions given to the OP. In other words, just because we have tools and knowledge (some suggested that is what her daughter needs), the real issue, as I originally said, is the word "struggle." When I said "that's OK," I only meant, if you have this info and have genetics you don't like, so what. It's better to just accept yourself vs live a life of a perceived struggle since I doubt it is a medical issue with Mtn (health not affected). Gosh, even if her health were in jeopardy, only she can choose. I still wouldn't judge.

This morning, I went to an outdoor festival. Thinking about the convo, I was struck by the sheer absurdity of the idea of everyone looking a certain way. It is physically impossible, and in my view, undesireable. There is such tremendous variation, and thank goodness. I certainly am no super model so I am thankful my DH likes how I look.

Sorry if any of this sounds hasty or rude. Not meant to be, just have my little ones here and am distracted.

Thanks, Bumble and Kellie.

Anele, I just find your own response to appear very judgmental, yet you are so worried about being judgmental you think Moms should totally ignore a problem. It is a problem if it makes your kid unhappy and or may make them unhealthy. I cannot ignore problems.

"It's better to just accept yourself vs live a life of a perceived struggle."

I think a life well lived, with challenges and aspirations and defeats, involves some struggles. We can't shirk away from them, yet as parents we need to show (and feel!) unconditional love. These things are not mutually exclusive.

PS Melsouth, I do want to point out that I am glad you shared your experience and many of us can identify with your concerns and the desire to be helpful and not hurtful. It is especially hard with teens.

Deleted and done.

This post was edited by red_lover on Mon, Aug 11, 14 at 1:17

Unfortunately, most of our nation's food sources (and their marketing) have been so compromised that it's nearly impossible to trust our physiological responses to food anymore. Our youth will not learn healthy eating habits on their own.

When my kids smell, I talk to them about good hygiene. When they struggle with organization, I help them identify ways to improve. When they experience difficulties with friends, we discuss choosing friends with values they share. When they make poor food choices, I talk with them about how that food really makes them feel, the ingredients, where it came from, and what might be better choices to make. When I point out the need to exercise, I explain that it's as important to take care of their bodies with exercise, as it is to take care of their brains with school (we're still on that fundamental basis).

Good habits, and especially good eating habits, require guidance by parents. Personally, I didn't learn how to listen to my body and its nutritional needs until I was in my 30s. I guarantee our kids aren't learning this intuitively given our nation's current food culture. I have an obligation to discuss eating habits and exercise with my kids. Who else is going to teach them?

I'm the one who mentioned about the "3500 calories being in a pound...". That was meant to be an example of being educated NOT a dictate of what to do.

To further explain however as my comment was so misconstrued which was perhaps my fault for not being more clear.... In 2009 I did lose 42 pounds in 9 months and have kept them off and that was by analyzing my calories - empty ones and otherwise. I already ran 3 days a week and went/go to a strength gym 3 days a week and at the age of 55 (at the time) I was certainly not going to start adding more exercise to my week. My exercise program is still in effect as is my weight loss. My opinion is that weight loss only works in the longterm if you are educated about nutrition and food. And certainly exercise is part of a healthy lifestyle.

kitschy, re: "Anele, I just find your own response to appear very judgmental, yet you are so worried about being judgmental you think Moms should totally ignore a problem. It is a problem if it makes your kid unhappy and or may make them unhealthy. I cannot ignore problems."

"It's better to just accept yourself vs live a life of a perceived struggle."

I think a life well lived, with challenges and aspirations and defeats, involves some struggles. We can't shirk away from them, yet as parents we need to show (and feel!) unconditional love. These things are not mutually exclusive.

Of course, a life well-lived includes challenges, struggles, etc. That's a given. I don't understand, however, for the life of me . . .why a parent would go out of their way to create a struggle for their child. Life will bring them plenty of disappointments, sadness, and pain all on its own. In fact, the OP's daughter is already frustrated with this situation; we don't know to what degree.

That's why I said that, if she approaches the mother, then yes-- offer her a resource and help from an objective, neutral party. This isn't ignoring a problem at all. It's about being responsive and supportive according to what her teenage daughter needs, and what she is ready for.

It isn't judgmental, in my opinion, to say that we are better off accepting ourselves vs. feeling like we are letting ourselves down repeatedly when we are genuinely doing the best we can do, especially when our "best" is hurting absolutely no one. Our best may not fit into society's standards, but why should we allow society to rob us of joy? (I am not suggesting that Mtn or anyone here feels this way, but I know it is true for some in this situation.)

Peony, I agree that truly listening to our bodies is key. We encourage our children to do this on a regular basis. We talk about eating a wide variety of foods, eating without distraction, that no food is off-limits (no allergies here!), etc. We don't do things like eat in the car except in rare cases and never in front of the TV. I don't refer to food as good or bad. Instead, we help guide them making food choices by saying things like, "You have carbohydrates on your plate; now choose a protein." When they serve themselves a snack, they have to get a dish and put what they want in it vs engage in mindless eating. We never suggest they clean their plates, only that they need to eat when hungry/stop when full. They know their bodies' needs pretty well now, and my oldest is only 12. In fact, I think children are born knowing what they need to eat, but adults often get in the way . . .I have repeatedly witnessed toddlers and young children pushing away a plate with unfinished dessert on it when they've had enough. They know.

Pleasant dreams!

This post was edited by melsouth on Mon, Aug 11, 14 at 3:58

Melsouth, I don't think any of this is simple. But I fear that many parents are avoiding talking with their children about eating habits, exercise and weight for fear of hurting their feelings over body image.

You noted your fears about high blood pressure and diabetes regarding your daughter's weight gain. These are legitimate health concerns. It doesn't matter what your impression of your skinny aunt is... for goodness sake, get past that, and don't tiptoe around a health issue with your daughter because of something so superficial.

Or, do you want to wait until your daughter actually receives a diagnosis, and support her then?

You seem a thoughtful, sensitive person who's capable of supporting her now in taking preventive measures, rather than later when she has to backtrack and deal with bad habits. No one's suggesting that simply talking about it will cure everything. But avoiding the issue isn't the answer, either.

Deee,

How is your weight? I ask this because it matters as how to approach your daughter. I have a 12 yo dd who hit puberty and became "uncomfortable" with herself. Part of the reason for that was she was now the same size as her mother-heaven forbid. I think it will be an uphill climb for you if she has never seen you struggle with your weight. I have always been a small but strong woman and I want nothing more for my dd. We as a family have always done activities centered around a healthy lifestyle. We go to the Y together, play bball, hike, 5ks, etc. and also eat ice cream,make cookies, etc. but you can never out train a bad diet-never. I am grateful that we experienced this so young. I think the seeds for your daughter have already been sown at this point, she is 17. You say that you eat relatively clean and have established good habits as a family so trust that. You can always learn new things though so knowledge is power.

It goes without saying to let her know that you are there for her in any way she needs but I would have her watch "Supersize Me" and that should cure her of her want for fast food-it's disgusting.

Go to the gym with her then she won't think that this is all about her, make it about you too. Set a goal-sign up for a 5k color run or a tough mudder, have her friends join too. You don't have to be an elite athlete you just make a commitment and do it. Remember you're always beating the person on the couch. It's amazing how you can bond through sweat! Even if you are thin you can always be stronger :)

Good luck!

It's absolutely stunning how fast foods/prepared meals can impact your diet.

Re nutrition action letter, this month's food porn: Starbucks Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccino which has 600 calories. (When I was calorie conscious, I was eating 1200 calories a day, so one drink is 1/2 day's calories!) It includes 12 g saturated fat and 21 teaspoons of sugar. Of course, being a drink, it doesn't stick with you and you will still need a meal...especially if you think of this as just a coffee drink!

They also have an article on Xtreme Eating Awards where they review restaurant foods for calorie and other contents. For example Cheesecake Factory's French Toast Napoleon comes in at 2,900 calories or the equivalent of 2 days worth of food. Sure this looks like it's rich, but 2 days of food? Nuh-uh.

So education about nutrition, IMHO, is an ongoing, lifelong task, from childhood to old age, as they keep coming up with new foods, new extremes, new ways of hiding calories and sweets in ever more tempting packages, designed and marketed in ways that are absolutely geared toward making you want more.

Seeing as, IMO, weight control and nutrition education are lifelong, I think it would be something for mom and daughter to work on together. Most people can certainly improve their fitness and their diet, even if it's already pretty good. And doing things together where you can encourage each other is always more powerful than going solo.

I also think, if you are going to have that conversation, it's important to discuss the emotional aspects of eating. Are there other things going on in her life now that make her feel especially insecure, socially or otherwise, that are pushing her to find comfort in food? Certainly, she's at that stage of life where lots of changes are going on, not all are easy to deal with. It's far easier to push down our emotions and seek comfort with food, but it's far more healthy to deal with the emotional aspects directly, physically, mentally and spiritually.

And of course there's that common vicious cycle...I feel bad so I eat...I eat, I gain weight which makes me feel worse...so I eat more.

One more thing-have her checkout "My Fitness Pal" app. Super cool, you input your weight, desired weight, activity, all food. It's a great visual aid to "see" how many calories the food you are putting in your mouth has. Best of all she can do it in complete privacy. It's a great motivator to keep you on your path to health.

My daughter became ill near the point of death with anorexia at the age of 12. We are a family of thin, active people who never, ever talked about dieting, calories, or "bad" foods. She was slightly pudgy and (unbeknownst to us) decided to go on a diet; her anxiety over her weight blossomed into a full disorder.

As part of her illness, our daughter developed a very unhealthy fixation with calories, compulsively exercised and calculated calories burnt, avidly studied food labels, and refused to be weighed. During her years of recovery (after a month in the hospital with a feeding tube), we were told by psychiatrists, therapists, nutritionists, pediatrician, and the anorexia specialist to NEVER make it about the numbers--not her size, not her weight, not her calorie intake. We were to focus on "being healthy" and wean her from her obsession with the numbers. Today she is healthy, active, and has no fear of food. She's actually leaving home today to start a DVM/PhD program at Penn.

My niece (the same age as my daughter) is a "chronic anorexic," as is my SIL who, when my niece was 12 years old, put on her daughter's jeans to show off how slim and trim she was. In their household, there is constant talk about BMI, how unattractive "fat" people are, and every bathroom in every house has medical scales. They sneak and hide food, agonize about clothing sizes and appearances, and criticize each other about portion sizes and unhealthy foods. They fired a housekeeper because she was too large. Their lives are dominated by food--avoiding it, fearing it, desiring it. My SIL has been in and out of eating disorder treatments all her adult life.

I think that we Americans have a very, very complicated relationship with food--it's the enemy, it's the solace, it's even medicinal (paleo diet, gluten, vegan, etc.). I think it's important to be armed with basic nutritional information, but I also think our culture places way too much importance on appearance. Good health should be the goal, not a dress size.

Unfortunately the health and food industry makes it all about numbers. Weight watchers with their points system, the food industry with so many grams of fat or sugar or fiber in this or that product, follow this diet and lose 10 lbs in 10 days, and on it goes.

Nutrition education is a lifelong undertaking because each decade or perhaps pregnancy or illness requires an adjustment in nutrition knowledge. If we don't take care of ourselves and our health I'm not sure that the medical system (for me it's Canadian but my impression is that the American system is similar in this manner) just isn't going to be there to take care of the results of our lack of exercise and our poor eating habits. Both systems are overtaxed as it is. And aging baby-boomers are just beginning to hit the system. (Ok, off my soapbox).

The daughter of one of my running buddies was diagnosed with anorexia at 17 and was hospitalized several times. She is now 24 and seems to have survived as a very strong woman. But, I remember running one day with my friend and her daughters birthday was coming up. She just broke down in the middle of the trail because she didn't know if she would be buying her daughter a birthday present or burying her.

I actually like Weight Watchers. They emphacise an adequate amount of nutrition based on your needs (age, sex, current weight, acitivity level, etc). If you follow the plan, you have daily goals for healthy oils, fruits and veggies, water, dairy products so you are sure to get the nutrients that you need. They stress eating all of the points that are allotted to you. It helps teach portion size and "budgeting" of food. There are no "bad" or "off limits" foods. I always compare it to a bank account. If you have $1000 and need to buy a pair of shoes, you can either purchase a pair of Louboutins only or you can purchase a lower cost pair AND a dress to go with it AND a new coat, etc. It as a good way to make you accountable to the choices that you make. It is easily adaptable for any type of dietary restrictions. There has been lots of talk about making healthy lifestyle changes and I do think that is the focus of Weight Watchers. If it is in the budget for patients, it is certainly one that I recommend. If you aren't a "meeting" person, they have an online version.

Hi deee;

I hope you will take my post in the spirit it is meant.

At the ripe old age of 17, you still have care, control and custody oi a minor. Your job is not to be her friend, it is to be her parent. We do not pander to our children. We set boundaries and rules.

As a former juvenile officer and a psychologist specializing in behavior modification with juveniles, I have dealt with MANY teenagers, as well as raising 4 children of my own.

Your post said you "gave" the daughter a car. Why isn't she earning it? A car is a huge responsibility. She needs to learn to pay for HER car and insurance.

Okay, you find fast food wrappers in her car. She is "eating out with friends at all hours". Why is she out at "all hours"? She is still in school. Set a curfew on school nights. Also tell her she cannot go out until her homework is done as well as any chores. In by 10, NO exceptions.

"Nothing is flattering on me anymore". Whose fault is that? Certainly not your fault. Don't assume guilt or responsibility for her actions. Let her know she needs to change her behavior. BE HONEST with her. We do not do our children any favors if we hedge with them or lie to them.

If she is constantly outgrowing her clothes, make her responsible for buying new clothes. You, as a parent, are responsible to dress your child decently for school. However, her eating habits are on her head. Ergo, if she continues to choose junk food, then she can replace her clothes with her paycheck. When kids have to start spending their own money, they tend to start dancing to a different tune.

If I had a magic wand, I would wipe 14 to 18 out of the life cycle. They are hard years. Kids are in the throes of hormone poisoning, peer pressure, and a lot of vacillating emotions. They need a LOT of guidance in addition to love. Your house, YOUR rules. Set parameters and stick to them. Tough love never hurt a kid if done with love.

Remember this deee, your daughter has to WANT to lose the weight. It will be HER CHOICE, not yours.

Ok, I think we've now got a representation of the other end of the spectrum. Needless to say, I believe it is a huge mistake to approach a situation like this as being the child's "fault."

This is just mean-spirited:
If she is constantly outgrowing her clothes, make her responsible for buying new clothes. You, as a parent, are responsible to dress your child decently for school. However, her eating habits are on her head. Ergo, if she continues to choose junk food, then she can replace her clothes with her paycheck. When kids have to start spending their own money, they tend to start dancing to a different tune.

And coming from a "former juvenile officer and a psychologist" this is frightening:
If I had a magic wand, I would wipe 14 to 18 out of the life cycle.

I wouldn't trade our kids' teenage years for anything---they were years of outstanding self-discovery and fun and learning. Those years are part of what has made them the adults they are today.

Whoa.

This post was edited by kswl on Mon, Aug 11, 14 at 14:32

Sargeant Bizzy,

WHOA!

Your post said you "gave" the daughter a car. Why isn't she earning it? A car is a huge responsibility. She needs to learn to pay for HER car and insurance.

GET REAL: DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY THAT IS TODAY? SHE SEEMS LIKE A GOOD KID FOR GOING OUT AND GETTING A JOB, WHICH IS HARDER TO FIND THEN EVER FOR TEENS. NOT ONLY THAT, MOST OF US WANT OUR KIDS TO FOCUS ON EDUCATION AND EXTRA CURRICULARS TO ENHANCE THEIR COLLEGE PROSPECTS; IT LEAVES LITTLE TIME FOR THE KIND OF HOURS YOU NEED TO FUND A CAR.

Okay, you find fast food wrappers in her car. She is "eating out with friends at all hours". Why is she out at "all hours"? She is still in school. Set a curfew on school nights. Also tell her she cannot go out until her homework is done as well as any chores. In by 10, NO exceptions. WHERE ARE YOU? IT IS SUMMER! AND WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT CHORES.

YIKES. If no-nonsense KSWL thinks you are mean-spirited, you KNOW you are mean. LOL, love you KSWL.

Wow, some strong opinions out there! To Dee, your daughter has mentioned in your clothes shopping experience, that nothing looks good on her anymore. I would take this as your opportunity to ask her how you can help her achieve what she wants. You can locate some professionals, if needed, like a nutritionist or a gym membership. Let her guide this journey in her life, but you can be there to support her. Many young girls use extreme techniques to lose weight and obviously,that is NOT the way to educate yourself about nutrition. Good luck to you both.

Wow! Some very strong opinions here and way more than the OP asked for! I think she is quite capable of raising her own daughter, would just like a little support/suggestions on THIS ISSUE.

I wasn't even going to respond, since I am not a mother, but I will give you a daughter's perspective. My parents, especially my mom (who stayed home with us), blessed their daughters by being our best cheerleader. There wasn't a thing my mom (or dad, he just wasn't as expressive) didn't think we could do. She encouraged us to think for ourselves, to go after what ever we wanted, to believe that we COULD do ANYTHING we set our minds to. She did not put an emphasis on beauty/body image, etc. instead letting us know that she thought we were beautiful individuals with minds of our own. She was much more concerned with how we acted, that we developed healthy habits, etc. than how we looked. Of course she always thought we were beautiful! If I had a problem, she would be right there to listen and offer her support. It's because of her that I grew up with a healthy self image and outlook. I am a strong and confident woman because of the way I was raised.

I do agree that weight loss, etc. should be focused on being a healthy, strong individual rather than how one looks. We should teach our children how to eat healthy and I agree with Anele's thoughts on wanting to eat well to live a long and healthy life. I also agree with her on making sure our children have a positive self image. I do think that a mother can work with her child if the child comes to her with a problem. I think it would be better if the mother can educate the child on how to eat healthy (and lose weight if need be), making sure they don't rely on the wrong methods. I also like the suggestion(s) of joining a gym, etc. with the daughter. Just my two cents worth and I hope it works out for your daughter!

I posted a long answer correcting Blzzy's misconceptions about my daughter and my parenting. After I posted, I realized Blzzzy just registered today. So ... never mind.

This post was edited by deee on Mon, Aug 11, 14 at 17:13

Mtnrd, I had a good laugh over your comment, which is SO true..... I am the mom who periodically gathered up all the clothes on the floor of a certain teenage girl's room, put them in an opaque trash bag and would only sell the bag (no looking to see what was inside) back to her for $10 or $20, depending on how annoyed I was. No nonsense is right :-)

Deee, you gave a more gracious response than was deserved.

This post was edited by kswl on Mon, Aug 11, 14 at 17:20

Chiming in as the (former) kid. Although my parents were very supportive, my mom has always had a "thing" about my weight (I am short and dumpy, my sister is tall and lean). To this day she mentions it and mentions being fit and/or healthy. I know she means well, but it's extremely grating and makes me feel compared to my sister in a negative way. Especially because my mom is unhealthy and doesn't get any exercise (I'm heavy but get 4-5 hours cardio a week and do yoga). By contrast my dad is very supportive, very fit, and invites me out to exercise with him. His approach suits me much better and our relationship is much better for it.

As a person who has struggled with her weight all her life, I offer this suggestion: Talk to her--once. Tell her you've noticed a change in her eating habits which don't seem healthy, that learning to be an adult and juggle adult responsibilities and healthy eating is a struggle for everyone, and that you will work with her if she wants to make changes.

Once, only, and be gentle about it, because it will hurt. Any more than once is nagging and will make the problem worse. No one else can do anything about it unless she herself is ready and asks for help.

The throw pillows in my room have to be perfect.
I need the perfect paint color.
is this the perfect fabric?
I need perfect flatware, white dishes, rugs....

perfect, perfect, perfect.

Go ahead. Make a child just like the next decorating project. Voila! perfect!

Dee, You have described yourself as a SAHM who has structured your children's lives. Nowyou want to have chats about how you can structure your daughter's college time. What else in her life should you structure?

Bizzyy has a lot right in her comments. Stop and reread them again slowly.

Also chiming in as the naturally thin 51 year old daughter of a critical mother (who I think has body dysmorphia and is unhealthily thin IMO) who still critiques my weight, my hairstyle, etc. I am also the mother of 3 kids (2 thin boys and a 21 yo girl who has become very overweight since going off to college and not playing sports anymore). If I have learned anything, it is to zip my lips when it comes to my daughter's weight and food choices. She knows what healthy choices are since she learned that growing up, but she chooses to eat crap. That is her choice, and I hope that some day she will figure it out because I do worry about her health.

It took me until my forties to stand up to my mother and explain to her that her critiques of me were not welcome. She has definitely reduced her comments, but began to comment on my daughter's weight recently and even offered to give her a large sum of money if she would lose weight. I can't tell you how outraged I became when my daughter shared that tidbit with me. Needless to say, I have repeatedly asked my mother to stop commenting on my daughter's weight as it is not helpful.

Sorry to ramble, but I do not ever think it is ever appropriate to make comments on another person's weight. If you have taught your daughter about healthy food choices (and I assume you have given her age), then you have done your job and the rest is hers to figure out.

To me, there is a huge difference between criticizing and genuine concern and offers to help. I think Bizzy comes across influenced by her job, but in essence, is on track.
Every child is different, some can take help without feeling entitled, others need a little kick.

Oh, c'mon Bizzy is clearly fake and we were taken in! Deee pointed out they just registered.

It is someone who wants to say it but, even more anonymously than an anonymous Gardening forum! Wow, that's pretty wimpy.

Edited to add:
Can we please respond to these questions without attacking the original poster or directly attacking anyone's parenting? It's fine to say "I would ...." but inflammatory to say "you should not ...". I think it is counterproductive especially if it makes people wary of posting about problems where we can help each other.

This post was edited by kitschyKitch on Mon, Aug 11, 14 at 20:45

I certainly don't think whoever Bizzy is - is on track by telling another mother how they should be raising their child. She's also assuming quite a bit more than what Dee shared, as Dee explained in her response (before it was deleted).

Precisely, TinaM.

Let's help each other without taking any cheap shots, especially about people we really know nothing about.

Dee is probably knocking herself upside her own head about now exclaiming sheesh I coulda had a V8.

Hopefully all these posts lead to the conclusion that women in general must be approached at all different angles on this subject, and according to their personality type and with the main plot being health (no wonder men don't get us). Dee is sensible and will handle it accordingly I’m sure. Sometimes we all just need to vocalize or write what’s bugging us.

It's also an interesting insight into the different styles of parenting older teens and young adults, with some unmistakable undercurrents of 'I had to do it on my own and so will you,' regardless of how painful or unnecessary.

Not all conversations with teens about weight and healthy eating habits are destructive to the child's body image. We've read examples in this thread from members whose parents clearly took ineffective approaches.

If we don't talk with our kids about their eating habits, then General Mills, Pepsico, Nestle, and other food processing corporations will do it for us. Then Cosmo, Shape and Fitness magazines will make them feel self-conscious about it. And then our $20 billion weight-loss industry will encourage them to fix it.

No one is advising the OP to make her daughter feel badly for her choices. No one is advocating an approach that makes her daughter feel guilty or ugly or unhappy with her body. But if we sit back and do nothing, what if our kids one day ask us, "Why didn't you talk to me about this stuff?"

Hi All,

I truly appreciate all of you that posted thoughtful and detailed responses. I would love to answer many of your specific questions but at this point I don't want to give the bad apples any more ammunition to nit pick and misquote out of context.

I promise I will update and let you know how things progress.

dee

I will only add this to my original post because I lived it as a child, teen and adult. My parents never brought up my weight, loved me unconditionally, but supported any effort I (with a capital I) decided to make, like joining WW. This I think gave me the confidence to be in the school musicals, go to dances, football games etc. Yes, I would get bummed I couldn't wear mini-skirs or bikinis like my friends, but I didn't let it rule or ruin my life.

When other well-intentioned family members would bring it up it only got my back up, caused anxiety, hurt, shame and of course would just send me straight to the kitchen to binge.

Your daughter knows she's overweight, she doesn't need anyone---least of all a parent---to remind her. When she's ready, she will lose the weight. Just be supportive. The best thing you can do is to keep her trigger foods out of the house and set a good example and it sounds like you are doing this.

I have to say that I don’t completely agree with “she will get in shape or lose the weight when she’s ready” or she knows what to do so will figure it out” (in all respect to you all). It has been many years since I was a certified trainer and managed a women’s gym but in most cases like Dee’s the person just needed a structured kick start by a trainer. Rarely did the parent and daughter buy dual training sessions together. However, when it did happen the end results were great. I did observe a few things though and that lay in the amount of sessions a week. Sometimes people are overzealous and do four times a week. Most people will not stick to that as life gets in the way. You can still get into shape and lose weight with two sessions a week. Instead of three sets of 12 alternating upper and lower body days you do two days of full body with four sets each of say 14, 15 or 16. Two longer sessions! Leave a day of rest in-between. The rest of the days you do physical exercise you enjoy whether it is home exercise videos in yoga or Pilates or range of motion or balance, walking, biking or running ect… Do things that are convenient to your schedule on these days. Most people do not need more than a four month package to be able to continue on their own. You do have to watch that the trainer communicates on what muscles are being worked if they get overly creative with cross training. You need know. There are some trainers out there that seem to not communicate purposely on this so you rebuy in your confusion. If there is good communication you might be good to go on your own after two months.

I think it’s kind of sad that body image got in the way of many here in the event of full happiness as a teen. One doesn’t have to be a twiggy to have good body image but what does make a difference is that one feels they have some control over it, that they are doing something for themselves to look and feel better. To become more healthy! The effect on the self-esteem is phenomenal. One of the first things a good instructor will ask when you arrive is what you had to eat that day and how much water you have drank. A parent can’t always get away with those questions depending on the personality type. Set an example and bond, do it together starting with a trainer so there is no floundering around at the start.

I haven't dealt with weight, but my own daughter went through an intensely difficult period during her adolescence; she tells me now (she is 22) that she truly felt almost suicidal about the way she looked then including her very curly hair, a large nose etc.

And she has said to me MANY times how much it meant to her that I never, ever, ever criticized her appearance, that all I ever said or conveyed was that she was beautiful to me. In her case I tried to also listen to her feelings, and I supported her in some actions she wanted to take about her appearance. She did those things, and she grew and matured and today she is happy with herself including how she looks.

All of this is shared because I think if I understand what Anele was trying to say, it is that as a mother your impact on your daughter is profound in ways you might never realize. Several people have shared stories of how devastating it was to hear their mothers' criticism or 'helpful' suggestions about their weight or other issues, and how much it hurt them.

Put me in the group that feels as a mother the best and highest gift we can ever give our daughters is unconditional love and support for them, reflecting back that they are wonderful just as they are. Not to say it's not important to support them if and as they say they need it and if and as they want to change something that isn't working for them, be it weight, hair, etc or any other external issue. But in the end, our loving acceptance is, I think, the most important thing in the world we can and should do for our daughters.

Ann

Running I'm happy to hear that your daughter did not commit suicide over her poor body image. I think there is an "In-between" on this topic though such as let's go get healthy together. Don't you wish you could have better helped her through her suicide thinking days? Do you think if you asked her if she would join you in some training classes (without personal attacks) that would be a bad thing?

Probably not the best idea to say anything. I would assume, like much of life, she's on a pendulum, headed towards the extreme end of freedom, and will likely come back to what you taught her. In the meantime, saying/doing anything likely won't be effective to help her get to your goal.

"Put me in the group that feels as a mother the best and highest gift we can ever give our daughters is unconditional love and support for them, reflecting back that they are wonderful just as they are. Not to say it's not important to support them if and as they say they need it and if and as they want to change something that isn't working for them, be it weight, hair, etc or any other external issue. But in the end, our loving acceptance is, I think, the most important thing in the world we can and should do for our daughters."

Love how you said this Ann. Much better than I did.

Ditto Red - I so agree with you Ann. Very thankful I had that type mother - and I'm sure your daughter is also.

I also agree with the unconditional love and support part and how helping our children through rough times isn't a bad thing.

Wondering what would happen if the child was failing a class and expressed verbal worry over it. I can't believe that offering to help, get a tutor, etc.---or even mentioning it--- would destroy the child's intellectual self image and be perceived as 'conditional' love.

Why can people Not see this as Not focusing on an attack of the child’s nose, hair or weight? Why is this also about unconditional love? Of course love should be unconditional. They are still children and are simply not worldly enough to handle everything on their own. Sometimes they need gentle guidance. Not personal attacks about their person. Just guidance and examples…unconditionally!

I just don’t get it. I agree with KSWL, when my son went through a “thing” in middle school and started failing science I drove him to science tutoring classes twice a week. It worked; he got back on top of his game. Why do some here have a problem giving the same courtesy to their girls?

I have my own pitiful story where I needed help and never got it.

"Why do some here have a problem giving the same courtesy to their girls?"

Society is too focused on a girl's physical image. What does her weight matter? Does this help? Now if we told her not to take her to be tutored in science, that would be a really different idea. While I didn't say it would ruin her self image, I sure see how it could affect it. I said, she's testing the freedom waters. I might feel really differently if she was testing it by using drugs? Probably. Needing help in a school course is very very different than how a person's appearance matters. To whom does it matter? No one is against helping a daughter.

As to your last statement, I am truly sorry. I have parents that never helped me with a health issue, and it helps me understand what you're saying. She completely invalidated that I needed help or it didn't matter what I said, or she thought I was lying? Something like that. Sucks when parents don't listen or, possibly, in some instances, care. You should've gotten the help you needed.

This post was edited by rob333 on Wed, Aug 13, 14 at 8:01

Yes, being told " let's get you a tutor for science" is totally different than being told " let's get some help for your weight problem"....... No matter how nicely you word it.

Thank you for the kind words ROB33, but I guess our views on this are just different.

To me health and wellness (mentally and physically) are the responsibly of the parent and are of equal importance to all other parental care. You can set them up for a lifetime with good eating habits and exercise. It’s really not all that difficult. If you do not have the money for a trainer simply have small areas set up in a basement or extra bedroom or whatever and carefully choose age appropriate exercise cd’s. All you need is a matt and hand weights (weights after a certain age). If it is a young pre-teen they seem to enjoy martial arts type cardio workouts. Keep a variety as what one likes the other may not. My kids are adults now but you know what? They still use workout cd’s, one has added a gym to his room for cross train and the other alternates home workout cd’s with periodic health club visits. And, I never told them they were fat and ugly to get them to use the cd’s either. I simply told them I was ordering some workouts and asked if there was any type of workout they might be interested in. Then, I also did the workouts to set an example.

Edited to add…
I had times frames I gave the kids for my workouts so there were no run-ins on the space. I did not set their workout times. I gave them time to play around a bit with sampling different workouts. After a time I just came out and asked what their favorite was. After being told I sought out other similar type cd’s so they wouldn’t get bored…and, I was encouraging but not pushy.

This post was edited by jterrilynn on Wed, Aug 13, 14 at 10:28